On the verge of a diagnoses

[Mike76]

I am still on the staying side and wish to stay here, so do not let any of my comments feel I should be on another board... .

I did recently think about contacting a lawyer, the MC told us there was nothing we could do until we get more individual T, and my individual T said I am just spinning my wheels and there was not much more they could do for me.  This all happened over the last couple weeks.

Things also have been deteriorating more at home and in my marriage.

Then last night she told me she had homework her T and wanted her space, I gave it so her.   I then caught a glimpse of a short book from her T that us called something like "Living with BPD".  My guess is she was given this at her last session.  

So today my emotions and feelings are rather confused.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sunshine40]

That is so awesome!

After 20+ years of my udbpfh refusing any sort of therapy, or sort of help, and frankly, me deciding that it is no longer a matter of "if" I end our marriage, but "when" I decide to leave, I finally got my H to go to a doctor for back pain.

The doctor, (a younger guy) was thankfully greatly aware of my H's anxiety and strongly urged him to take a test for depression. (which even when he lied to half of the question's answers so he would not "look as bad" as he really was) he was diagnosed with severe depression and the doctor (after LONG discussion) prescribed the lowest dose possible of Prozac (10mg/day). The doc basically implied thet the depression has a strong effect on his back pain.

Of course my H raged at me after we got home, and he was mad at the doctor etc... . but he agreed to take the medication anyway.

It has been two months. He has changed from an anxiety driven, angry, paranoid, bulimic man into a more stable reasoning human being. His back pain is greatly diminished AND he'll say to things that normally degreulated on that do not bother him as much "thank your little blue an white friend"... . and he no longer throws up every time he eats. There is more peace in my home, and  mostly it is due to the fact he was willing to accept a diagnosis of SOMETHING about himself and face the possibility of change. And that change can be good. And it did scare him to death,  but being willing to work at himself made all the difference. (this has not been without its bumps, but things are MUCH better.)

Diagnosis are awesome. Willingness to look at oneself is also awesome. I hope your wife is opening to make changes in herself, as my H did.

-Sunshine

[coasterhusband]

I probably speak for a great many people on this board when I say... . "Congrats! I'm jealous!"

We are seeing a MC, but on a very, very limited basis and I personally have little hope of ever getting my uBPDw to find her diagnosis. So the fact that a) your wife has somehow found her way to the *discussion* about BPD, and that b) she's willing to engage in that discussion enough to read a book, any book about it is a good thing.

I wouldn't let this confuse you though. You know what your limits are, you know what your needs are. Don't let her BPD diagnosis process (which may be a real awakening, or may be a BPD-style "don't leave me, I'm doing the hard work, see?" situation) throw you off your game.

Give it a few days or a week. See if she starts speaking the language of BPD (e.g. "Sorry I was dysregulating just now" or is willing to talk to you about what she's learning. Those are good signs.

By the inverse, if she starts saying "But I'm reading the book, what more do you want?", then perhaps not much has changed.

Stay true to yourself and your personal needs. Remember that one of the worst by products of BPD for the non-BPD spouse is the constant messaging that this is all your fault. It's not. Stay true to yourself, your needs, and your own beliefs in yourself and you'll be all good.

Crossing my fingers for you that this ends up being a great thing!