It's been a year...

[mlle24]

It's hard to believe, but as of Thursday it will have been a year since my grandma died.  My mom keeps trying to get me to do things with her, and when I told her I had to work she got upset.  She told me "it should be recognized".  I don't feel that religious anymore, which makes me feel guilty  but that's just expected... . I don't like spending time with my mom (uBPD) but I really don't like spending time when she gets to have free reign emotionally speaking. The anniversary of my grandmother's death isn't going to be a cheerful occasion, and I know she's just going to go nuts on how horrible things are, how I'm a horrible daughter  , etc.  I can just feel it.  I've debated on NC  , and somehow we seem ok. I think my boundaries have gotten more defined and my ability to enforce them is definitely better.

I guess I'm just talking I don't really know if I'm looking for a response, but don't get me wrong I'll take any suggestions/support/info that comes up from this. I just know that the cemetery isn't where I feel close to people who've passed away. Cemeteries really give me the heeby jeebies. 

Church isn't where I feel uplifted or better about life.  I started doing community service for my church and totally flaked out on them last year because I wasn't getting what I needed out of it and I was getting upset every time I went.  So I have a hesitation about going to the mass that is supposed to be "for my grandma" on Thursday morning.

So where does this leave me? Feeling guilted to go to the church service and spend time with my mom going to the cemetery. But going to the cemetery/spending time with my mom "the day of" means I will miss some work, which is hard to come by for me... . and considering how extremely broke I am, I probably shouldn't even consider it.  I want to tell my mom "I'm losing $x because I'm here with you" but I don't think she cares.  Even though I owe her money, so you think that she would care more because that's money I could be paying her... .

Idk what to do.

[Calsun]

Hi mile24,

Sorry to hear about your grandmother and the issues with your mother.  I can totally relate to not wanting to spend time with a uBPD mother.  The reality of my mother's serious dysreguation and abuse was so rarely acknowledged that I always felt like there was something wrong or selfish about me for not wanting to spend time with my poor, "selfless" mother.  But objectively what normal person would have wanted to spend time with someone so abusive, shaming, unhappy and out of control.  My feelings of not wanting to have much contact were absolutely legitimate.  And when my mother had legitimate reasons to feel badly it was worse.  She made herself into a martyr and victim over the slightest things, she would go around the house saying you don't know what I've suffered in my life, give her something legitimate to feel grief over and then it was free rein to tyrannize the people around her.  

I also know work and money is a big issue with my uBPD mother. BPD's want to control their children and keeping their children financially dependent is a terrific way to maintain control and manipulate their children. That has been a challenge in my own healing and recovery to break free of underearning because financial success is an expression for me of independence from my uBPD mother.  

Thanks for sharing.  You're not alone!

Calsun

[mlle24]

BPD's want to control their children and keeping their children financially dependent is a terrific way to maintain control and manipulate their children.

This is so hard for me.  I feel like as soon as I start to get my head above water, something happens and I'm back at her mercy.  I would say that right now, finances are my only tie to her.  And unfortunately, there's possibility for more financial ties in the future.