HELP How do I handle this situation?

[coasterhusband]

My uBPDw and I are supposed to meet a new couple friend at the movies tonight. My wife has complained for 2 years now that she doesn't know anyone in town and that she wants to make friends. This couple reached out to us and asked us if we wanted to go to see a specific movie. My wife complained about how she'd go, even though she really didn't want to see this movie. I reminded her gently that making friends isn't about always doing what YOU want, but about responding when others reach out.

She has been sick in the last few weeks, and last night was a pretty rough night of pain and no sleep.

We fought a bit this morning and when I asked for a break from the conversation and was leaving the room, she yelled out that she wasn't getting out of bed until she had to go to work and she wasn't going to go to the movies tonight. This may have had something to do with not feeling well, but realistically it was her lashing out at something she knew I wanted as a way to hurt me.

When we came back together, she made a point to raise that I "always dismiss my pain when I say I don't want to go out". I apologized for that perception (but not anything else beyond that) and tried to explain without defensiveness that I was reacting to the hurt she seemed like she was trying to inflict on me rather than any general thoughts about how she shouldn't ever get rest. Since she's uBPD, of course she couldn't say "oh, my mistake", and instead just moved to another topic that was less clear cut so she could get on me about that instead.

As she was leaving for work just now, she mentioned that she would try to go to the movie if she could. I said that she should do what she needed to do to take care of herself and I supported her decision either way. I also said that I would at least need to go meet the other couple at the movie, if not attend without my W because I was the one who'd bought the tickets for all four of us.

I then reminded her that her health was important and we'd figure out what to do depending on how she was feeling when she got home in a few hours.

So now I'm not sure what to do: If I go to the movies, or even to meet them and give them the tickets, I'm going to be an insensitive jerk. If I don't go, I'm cowering to her BPD pressures that she will completely mask in righteous indignation about leaving her when she's sick. (Nothing I can do here to help her feel better, FYI)

What do I do?

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[VeryFree]

I've been in this kind of situation many times. And I approached them differently every time, but have never found the right thing to do.

When I stayed home with her, later on she would tell me that I blamed her for not going and not having fun (I did not!).

When I went, I didn't care about her and only wanted to do fun things alone, without her.

When I tried to talk her into going, she would tell me I didn't take her seriously.

When I didn't try to tal her into going, she would tell me that I didn't want her to go along, or that I didn't want to go myself.

If it became a fight, I had provoked it, so we didn't have to go together.

And so on... .

Sorry that I can't be of any help.

[123Phoebe]

What do I do?

Go to the movies and have fun with your new friends!


 

[coasterhusband]

@VeryScared - I had laugh a little bit at your message... . in that "better laugh so I don't cry" sorta way. You just summed up my options. None of them good, but at least now I know I'm not alone in the The Crazy!

Thanks for the support.

[VeryFree]

No, you aren't alone. These boards are filled with people like us.

I tend to agree with Phoebe: go and have fun.

But be warned: in my r/s of 10 yrs things went from bad to worse after I decided that I should have fun, with or without her. Prepare yourself for that, besides of course working on communication skills etc (you're in the staying-board).

[Chosen]

coasterhusband,

Sorry I don't have any advice to give... . I'm kind of in a similar situation with VeryScared... . In these cases it'll be "doomed if I do and doomed if I don't", unless the reason for my H to not go is because he doesn't want to... . then he won't mind so much that I go on my own... .

[arabella]

I realize I'm replying too late to be of any assistance but... . FWIW, I agree with 123Phoebe. Just go. If you're doomed regardless of your choice, you might as well have a nice night out with your friends. If you go out you at least get something out of it! Besides, you have the tickets, it's one thing if you want to be a martyr (and that's what it is, because you aren't helping anyone by staying home) go ahead, but don't punish your friends too, you know?

p.s. Just reading what I wrote... . Sorry if that came across a little harsh! I think I'm in a bit of a mood myself tonight - my patience is wearing a wee bit thin (and I'm taking it out my lack of grace on innocent strangers who will hopefully forgive me because they know what it's like to ride the BPD rollercoaster!)

[coasterhusband]

Just to close out the thread -

Good news here, both in outcome and in my performance.

We ended up going out together and it was an enjoyable experience. I didn't bring up the issue in the slightest for the rest of the day. Didn't talk about, didn't ask her what she was thinking about it, just let it ride.

A few hours before we needed to go, she mentioned in the middle of another conversation that she was going to try to go. I simply said "That's great news, thanks for trying. I support you either way" (or something similar) and then dropped it and moved to another task. (My thought there was that the more I talked about it, the more it reminded her of her poor behavior earlier in the day, which means she gets triggered with her BPD emotions)

An hour later she asked what time we needed to leave, I told her and off we went. In the car ride on the way home, I mentioned to her that I had fun and that I was glad she decided to come. She said she did too and was too.

It's a good reminder that staying above the fray, not getting sucked down into an argument about nonsense, and being the smiling clown whenever you can physically manage it helps to drive success in these interactions.

[Bloomer]

It's a good reminder that staying above the fray, not getting sucked down into an argument about nonsense, and being the smiling clown whenever you can physically manage it helps to drive success in these interactions.

I'm glad it worked out. Sometimes it is more nerve-racking deciding what to do than actually just doing it! I agree completely with your statement above. I find the less I say and the more "normal" I act, the better. When they realize they don't have control over your happiness and hear supportive words, that's often the hardest thing for them to find a way to manipulate. No matter what decisions you make in the future, keep that statement written on your hand :-)

Even when my uBPD H starts to dysregulate, when I just put a kind smile on my face and let him go, I get the best results.

Good work!

 B.

[bruceli]

My uBPDw and I are supposed to meet a new couple friend at the movies tonight. My wife has complained for 2 years now that she doesn't know anyone in town and that she wants to make friends. This couple reached out to us and asked us if we wanted to go to see a specific movie. My wife complained about how she'd go, even though she really didn't want to see this movie. I reminded her gently that making friends isn't about always doing what YOU want, but about responding when others reach out.

She has been sick in the last few weeks, and last night was a pretty rough night of pain and no sleep.

We fought a bit this morning and when I asked for a break from the conversation and was leaving the room, she yelled out that she wasn't getting out of bed until she had to go to work and she wasn't going to go to the movies tonight. This may have had something to do with not feeling well, but realistically it was her lashing out at something she knew I wanted as a way to hurt me.

When we came back together, she made a point to raise that I "always dismiss my pain when I say I don't want to go out". I apologized for that perception (but not anything else beyond that) and tried to explain without defensiveness that I was reacting to the hurt she seemed like she was trying to inflict on me rather than any general thoughts about how she shouldn't ever get rest. Since she's uBPD, of course she couldn't say "oh, my mistake", and instead just moved to another topic that was less clear cut so she could get on me about that instead.

As she was leaving for work just now, she mentioned that she would try to go to the movie if she could. I said that she should do what she needed to do to take care of herself and I supported her decision either way. I also said that I would at least need to go meet the other couple at the movie, if not attend without my W because I was the one who'd bought the tickets for all four of us.

I then reminded her that her health was important and we'd figure out what to do depending on how she was feeling when she got home in a few hours.

So now I'm not sure what to do: If I go to the movies, or even to meet them and give them the tickets, I'm going to be an insensitive jerk. If I don't go, I'm cowering to her BPD pressures that she will completely mask in righteous indignation about leaving her when she's sick. (Nothing I can do here to help her feel better, FYI)

What do I do?

How did that statement work for you... . DW can't grasp that concept either.  I'm boring she says but never wants to do anything that I suggest because she doesn't like it... . Catch 22's and the double standards rearing there ugly head... .

[coasterhusband]

I reminded her gently that making friends isn't about always doing what YOU want, but about responding when others reach out.

How did that statement work for you... . DW can't grasp that concept either.  I'm boring she says but never wants to do anything that I suggest because she doesn't like it... . Catch 22's and the double standards rearing there ugly head... .

Well, to be clear - that statement wasn't inline with the argument where she claimed she didn't want to go as a way to hurt me. It had happened a few hours before when she was complaining about going to a movie she wasn't interested in. It was an upbeat (other than the general sense of complaint) conversation and I said it off-handedly with a smile. It went over fine... . or as fine as a pwBPD will say. There was, of course, no "you're right, I'll suck it up... . it'll be fun"

[bruceli]

I reminded her gently that making friends isn't about always doing what YOU want, but about responding when others reach out.

How did that statement work for you... . DW can't grasp that concept either.  I'm boring she says but never wants to do anything that I suggest because she doesn't like it... . Catch 22's and the double standards rearing there ugly head... .

Well, to be clear - that statement wasn't inline with the argument where she claimed she didn't want to go as a way to hurt me. It had happened a few hours before when she was complaining about going to a movie she wasn't interested in. It was an upbeat (other than the general sense of complaint) conversation and I said it off-handedly with a smile. It went over fine... . or as fine as a pwBPD will say. There was, of course, no "you're right, I'll suck it up... . it'll be fun"

Understood... . DW won't go to the movies AT ALL... . Too many people and it makes her anxious... . However... . bar or party filled with more people than a theater and she's TOTALY fine... . After a couple of months of dating I asked her about this... . her reply... . "If they would just allow alcohol in at the movies I would be fine."  Nuff said... .