Is Love Enough?

[MarkMo]

I have been through so much in the last  5 years of my marriage. She has now left me and our 3 children for a man over twice her age, the same age as her father. I have made many mistakes because in many cases, not all, I was reacting poorly to a condition I didn't know existed at the time.

I am not asking for relationship advice per se. I Love her so incredibly much. I have never loved anyone or anything more. I know that to protect myself and the children, she must get the help she needs before I allow her back into our lives. I cannot handle this hurt again.

Basically, is Love enough to help cope with someone with BPD that is getting help? If it is so bad that she is making the horrible decisions, can I overcome it or will I just end up so hurt in the end? Lastly, if she is making these horrible decisions now, (she has now intentionally hurt and attacked me), how long can I expect her attitude and emotions to last?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaybeSo]

No.

Love is Never Enough... . which is a title of a book written by Aaron Beck, a founder of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy ... . And he wasn't speaking just about BPD relationships, either!

Another good book is Necessary Losses, I think that is by Judith Crantz(Sp).

You need to learn to protect yourself and your children regardless of what she is doing in or out of treatment. And if she were in treatment, it generally takes several years to see improvement and improvement is not always targeted to areas of most concern for partners.

The degree of love you express for her can work against you. Many of us have issues with

loving too much... . sometimes that can become a dynamic where we don't love ourselves very

much, and don't take care of ourselves very well... . and we become instead overly

preoccupied With our loved one. It can take on an addictive quality.   This imbalance

actually makes both us and our loved ones more unstable and less healthy.

Because she is gone right now,  this is an opportunity for you to get healthy and strong.

The way to help make things better is to start focusing on you, and not so much her.

It sounds like you are "split black" right now. I suppose if she has done this before you can expect the time frame to be about the same; but really there is no scientific way to predict exactly what she or any person is going to do. We just don't have that degree of control over others, only ourselves. Start thinking about what you need to do for yourself at this time, regardless of her symptoms.

I am very sorry you have been struggling with pain and loss in this relationship. This has to be incredibly difficult for you and your children. Are you working with a therapist to help you during this time? It would be a huge help. This board can also be a real life-saver. I hope you get as much support here as you need.

Best to you.

[hanginon]

I agree with MBS that "no" is the answer.  Love is what makes us hang onto something that usually ends up damaging us as the one without the disorder.  Judging by what you say... . in my opinion, if you try to maintain the relationship, you will stick it out until someone gets hurt, or worse.  You may not realize how you will resent her and all that resentment suppressed can come bubbling up at a most inopportune time.

My BPDw just had her court date for assaulting me. She got anger management courses after I spoke with the prosecutor to help minimize the punishment.  That night she had a question that she didn't like my answer to... . painted me black and she bought another plane ticket and went home. I haven't heard from her in two days.

It is tough to deal with and those children and your well being should be your focus now. I read on this site somehwere that BPD's are mind ninja's.  They can really do a number on you.

Be safe and take care of yourself,

Hanginon

[MarkMo]

Thank you for your replies.

I have been seeing a therapist and today she wanted me to start writing the things down that she has done and to express my feelings for each. I told her a little about how I felt and just ended up forgiving her and she told me that I cannot be so easy to forgive and let people like her walk all over me.

She has caused a lot of pain in our lives and while I am not making excuses for my behavior, I know that she pushed me hard to do some of the things that I have done.

Right now she is starting to sink deeper and deeper and while I do love her dearly, I feel that I am starting to hate the person she is becoming. She is getting very mean and destructive and it is almost scary the complete disregard for my feelings that she has shown since she chose to stay with her new bf.

I know that you are all right. The hard part is getting to the point where I accept that I will not be in her life again in that capacity at least. Right now it would take a HUGE miracle for her to turn around anytime soon. While I do believe in those things, that is just not practical. A

Again, thank you for your help and I will probably check back in after her next attack on me which should be sometime in the next 24 hours.

[waverider]

To survive, you firstly need to learn to love yourself, and I dont mean that in a vain way.

You have to learn not to have your life dependent on someone else, you need a certain distance or buffer, otherwise you will not be able to make the strong and sometimes hard decisions.

You have to be willing to let go.

Fix yourself, and the way you interact. Then you will be able to better cope with how someone else behaves. The more stability you have in yourself as an independent person, the better the example and platform they have to hopefully work on their issues. You cannot do this for them.

The ninja term is not far from the truth in the sense that they can seemingly perform a surgical strike on a weak spot with no warning, then while you are reeling from that they have completely flipped back to normal with a stop making a fuss attitude. Thats why you need to be strong, and prepared for anything, no matter how well things are going.