I've been deleted, and want to cry

[emotionaholic]

I have fought so hard for this relationship.  I have been emotionally abused dumped numerous times while holding my head up as best I can.  I have never in my 40 years fell so hard for someone and put up with so much.  The best and the worst all wrapped up into one crazy drama anxiety depressive bliss and beauty fueled relationship.  The moment I saw her I was going to marry her there was just something about her I could not resist.  Two years it took me just to get a date and I fell hook line and sinker and it never through all of this BPD stuff ever went away.

Sorry I'm not here to rant.  A week ago the last thing I heard say to me in a very calm voice ":)on't ever call me again, this is all on you, don't try to reconcile." I have been doing my best to take care of myself stay busy and carry on.  Even yesterday I passed up a good paying side job to help her brother with a project at his house that I had agreed to do a couple of weeks ago.  Today though was tough.  I had to work, on a Sunday for that mater, and just put on my headphones on and did my best.  But the conversations and and past arguments especially pertaining to the reason she told me never to call her kept cycling through my head.  Its a long story and frankly makes no sense just jealousy insecurity and delusions on her part.   

I got home and went to the computer to check email and get to this site, where I have been getting such great insight and support.  while checking my email I noticed there was a name missing from my contact list on gmail.  It was her name missing.  Nether one of us do the facebook thing so to me this must be what it feels like to be defriended.  Through all the breakups and silent treatments over the last 3 years this has never happened before.

I am struggling with guilt, raised catholic I'll blame them for that.  I know what I did hurt her badly.  I know it is her pain to deal with not mine.  I know I did not do anything wrong. But I feel horrible for causing her so much pain.  And like she said I feel like it is all on me.

I want to stay so badly.  I just learned about BPD a couple of months ago and had the "light-bulb effect."  This was during a breakup I initiated.  We got back on speaking and intimate terms for a few weeks and I set my first boundary regarding my best friend of 20 years and his wife.  She hates these friends and due to a minor mistake I made 3 years ago has never trusted them or me.  I have felt horrible for distancing myself from them to save my relationship but everything I do makes it worse.

I know the answers as to what I should do.  Take care of myself, let her go, stop beating myself up over her pain and BPD.  It all looks good on paper but is very hard to implement.  I should probably post in the leaving board but the staying board is where I want to be. 

I have learned so much here and want to implement my new tools and communication skills, but I thing she may be forever done with me this time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[simplyasiam]

im sorry your dealing with this it takes time. i feel the same having only found this place after 6 years and 15 break make ups and now it maybe to late