What would you do?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I remember one particular incident that stands head and shoulder above anything that

had preceded it (an exponential quantum leap of insanity).  Up until this point in our

relationship it was pretty smooth sailing …

One day, out of the blue, she (exBPD) disappeared – gone, vanished into thin air! 

She didn’t respond to texts, phone calls, NOTHING.  I was out of my mind with worry

as you can imagine - had she been in an accident, raped, murdered, was she dead

or alive, what?   She just disappeared from the face of the earth …

This went on for about 3 days, so on the third day I rang her from a friends

phone (my phone needed recharging).  And wonder of wonders she answered

the phone (not realising it was me) in this happy/cheery little voice: “hello”:)

I then said her name and no sooner had I done that the phone went dead.

Click, beep beep beep …

So I now knew she was alive and obviously safe and sound and happy.  Of course

it was a tremendous relief to know she was ok.  But now, one type of anxiety was

replaced by another type of anxiety – there is the distinct possibility something

very sinister on her part is going on here ... .

Well later that night – about 3 am in the morning, after I had passed out from

sheer exhaustion (anxiety for 3 days) my phone rang.  So I wake up, a physical

and emotional wreck, and she tells me in a very calm (almost monotone, businesslike)

voice: “I just rang to say goodbye.  I’m a bad person.  I am going to disappear.  I don’t

want to live anymore. Burn my clothes. Goodbye.”  Click, beep beep beep …

I tried ringing back numerous times over the next hour but NO ANSWER!  Ok, I’m in

a really difficult position here. Is this person going to kill herself or not? 

What would you do?

[WXYZ]

I remember one particular incident that stands head and shoulder above anything that

had preceded it (an exponential quantum leap of insanity).  Up until this point in our

relationship it was pretty smooth sailing …

One day, out of the blue, she (exBPD) disappeared – gone, vanished into thin air! 

She didn’t respond to texts, phone calls, NOTHING.  I was out of my mind with worry

as you can imagine - had she been in an accident, raped, murdered, was she dead

or alive, what?   She just disappeared from the face of the earth …

This went on for about 3 days, so on the third day I rang her from a friends

phone (my phone needed recharging).  And wonder of wonders she answered

the phone (not realising it was me) in this happy/cheery little voice: “hello”:)

I then said her name and no sooner had I done that the phone went dead.

Click, beep beep beep …

So I now knew she was alive and obviously safe and sound and happy.  Of course

it was a tremendous relief to know she was ok.  But now, one type of anxiety was

replaced by another type of anxiety – there is the distinct possibility something

very sinister on her part is going on here ... .

Well later that night – about 3 am in the morning, after I had passed out from

sheer exhaustion (anxiety for 3 days) my phone rang.  So I wake up, a physical

and emotional wreck, and she tells me in a very calm (almost monotone, businesslike)

voice: “I just rang to say goodbye.  I’m a bad person.  I am going to disappear.  I don’t

want to live anymore. Burn my clothes. Goodbye.”  Click, beep beep beep …

I tried ringing back numerous times over the next hour but NO ANSWER!  Ok, I’m in

a really difficult position here. Is this person going to kill herself or not? 

What would you do?

[papawapa]

There really is nothing you can do. From my experience anytime my exBPD would disappear and not answer her phone she was off with another man.

[WXYZ]

Well, I had a choice didn’t I.

I could do nothing - but if she did top herself then I get to live with guilt

for the rest of my life knowing I could have done something to prevent it.

So I rang the cops. They put the burden of making the discussion squarely

back on me, i.e. is she going to go through with it?  How the f**k would I

know!  So I let it drop.

Ten minutes later the cops (cop psychologist actually) rings me back and tells

me I shouldn’t let the matter drop. They were going to pursue it to make sure

she’s ok.  Ok, fair enough I think.  Well, to cut a long boring story short, it all

turned out to be complete BS – she’s absolutely fine & not a problem or care in

the world. She just wanted to end the relationship.

Well, I’ve done my civic duty and fell asleep completely exhausted.  Next day

my mother rings up and tells me exBPD has rung her and abused the living crap

out of her.

I am so f**king p!ssed off this bhit put me through this crap.

Needless to say, exBPD tried to crawl back into my life. She started ringing my mother

professing her never ending love for me – ranting incomprehensible BS over and over

again. But exBPD hung up when mum passed me the phone. Ten minutes later exBPD

rings back and actually talks to me.

Here’s the thing. This is what she said: “how’s your heart? Have you lost the woman

you love?”  Yep, she needed to know I was heartbroken because I had lost her!

What a piece of crap you are exBPD - Human garbage!

The End

[Clearmind]

What would I do? - I would quit engaging! Let her go and in turn you will let yourself heal.

You are angry and under that is a lot of pain and hurt - the way this is right now is obviously not working for you yet you continue to go into battle. Move forward and move away from her.

[WXYZ]

Engaging ended a while ago - I’ve never gotten this little gemstone

off my chest till now – and it’s been a while – I felt violated … … …

Sorry for the outburst in the forum.  I just realised something I read

that goes like this: “with the judgement you judging, you yourself will be judged”.

It’s a sobering thought and I stand corrected!

[Clearmind]

Good observation Aussie... . i understand that feeling of being violated. Anger is normal - don't squish it! We all need to process our emotions.

[Reg]

I've been confronted with the same problems and at the end of my relationship my ex even suggested to commit both suicide, so that we would be together forever, so that everybody would have to leave us alone, people such as her husband, imagine that !

She has said a few times to commit suicide, and did drive away like crazy, leaving a lot of burning rubber on the road, making me come after her, and in each and every case I found her further at the side of the road.  It is all part of their behaviour... .

The women she cheated me with finally, (which was, we heard later, a high level BPD) was someone I knew a long time ago and who recently moved back into my street, and which we both stopped twice from suicide on one day, and after the second attempt her boyfriend came home, not knowing what had happened, saw the empty emballage of various pills and called 911.  After that she was scared as hell of having to go into therapy, and admitted she was terribly scared for death... .

That was the same person, months later, that when my ex attempted to break with her completely after I had given her the choice of being friends with her or with me, was sitting in her car, engine on, in the garage, saying to my ex that she was standing with her car in front of the railway and was going to kill herself by driving under a train (on a day that there was a union action and no trains were operating BTW) and my ex was in panic and believed her.

It is just another example how BPD's attract one another and play the same games with one anothers minds that are in their mind real life... .   It is not them, it is the borderline... .

Their mind is a living hell.  Afterwards with everything I know now on borderline, I do not blame my ex partner, I do blame the borderline, and yes I'm not happy that she lives in denial of her problem, is destroying the life of her daughter, of her family, of others.

I think the lmost difficult thing is to make them understand it is not them, that they have a problem, that heir lives can become as good as normal or even normal.

I also think that we must make a difference between an alcoholic, who has caused the problem himself and doesn't want to admit his problem, and with a borderline who did not cause the problem himself, but it was caused by others (in various ways or combinations)

But I understand your frustrations on the matter, I've been there myself !  Learning about borderline and the reasons for the behaviour did help me personally a lot.

[WXYZ]

Good observation Aussie... . i understand that feeling of being violated. Anger is normal - don't squish it! We all need to process our emotions.

hey thanks Clearmind

I reckon you're right ... .

the 'judgement' words help to keep me in check ... . it’s the antidote to violation/anger response… it helps put things in perspective big time …

Thanx 4 pickin' that 1 up

[WXYZ]

... . I also think that we must make a difference between an alcoholic, who has caused the problem himself and doesn't want to admit his problem, and with a borderline who did not cause the problem himself, but it was caused by others (in various ways or combinations)

But I understand your frustrations on the matter, I've been there myself !  Learning about borderline and the reasons for the behaviour did help me personally a lot.

Another good pickup ... .

[WXYZ]

Wow, after having a bit of dummy spit yesterday on the forum I feel so much better - a bit like I just coughed up a giant fur ball  .

I seriously should have joined this forum ages ago - thanks for being there guys