How do you think my exBPD will react to this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I've really cut down my interactions with my exBPDgf but she still calls and gets mad when I have ignored her for weeks. She wants me to be her friend but then she also says she misses me. I haven't picked up any of her calls in the last 3 weeks and have restricted contact to very brief instant message conversations. I've really only talked to her online twice in the last 3 weeks. Yesterday she said she still misses me but then also says that she thinks she made the right decision to get married. Doesn't make any sense obviously sense she still has feelings for me and has stated serious doubt about the marriage.

So I was wondering what all your opinions would be on me telling her that I'm ok with her current relationship/marriage. I've always been against it and told her she was making a mistake in the past but I was thinking maybe if I just tell her that I wish her and her current relationship the best maybe it will make her detach from me so I can move on even more. Do you think this could backfire? Thoughts?

[me757]

So I've really cut down my interactions with my exBPDgf but she still calls and gets mad when I have ignored her for weeks. She wants me to be her friend but then she also says she misses me. I haven't picked up any of her calls in the last 3 weeks and have restricted contact to very brief instant message conversations. I've really only talked to her online twice in the last 3 weeks. Yesterday she said she still misses me but then also says that she thinks she made the right decision to get married. Doesn't make any sense obviously sense she still has feelings for me and has stated serious doubt about the marriage.

So I was wondering what all your opinions would be on me telling her that I'm ok with her current relationship/marriage. I've always been against it and told her she was making a mistake in the past but I was thinking maybe if I just tell her that I wish her and her current relationship the best maybe it will make her detach from me so I can move on even more. Do you think this could backfire? Thoughts?

[Octoberfest]

If you want to move on, why not cut out the middle man and block her number and online messanger?  You CANNOT rely on her having the response you want to YOUR actions.

[danley]

You could tell her that she's married now and you don't think a friendship is appropriate or feasible for you at this time. Don't even need to mention what your opinion of her marriage is. Also, I think lying about how you feel about her marriage JUST to try and make her detach sounds like too much trouble. It's HER job to detach. Just be up front. Or you could also just ignore her all together.

[ScotisGone74]

If you really cared about her go No Contact and let her live out her happy marriage that she apparently really wanted.   If she's married and believes she made the right decision to do so then there is no reason for her to contact you in all honesty, and there isn't really any reason you should want to hear from her at this point, only to try to get some type of validation.  Its not worth it,  Do yourself a huge favor and block her number and email asap, and don't bother getting in touch with her again.  If you keep going like this you' re going to end up with your nose wide open and in worse shape than you already are, believe it.   

At the ending of my situation the counselor that I started going to gave me this advice, but I couldn't take it for the first couple of weeks, I had to find out for myself. 

[Reg]

ScotisGone74

I completely agree with you, I did shut all the doors.  She is convinced I have a new e-mail adress, I have a new cell phone number, blocked her on the social network sites.

me757

You can not change them, you will never change them and they have to seek help.  If they don't want any help it is useless, and do not feel any guilt, the problem is theirs, not yours, as hard as this may sound, you know it is the truth !

Reg

[me757]

Well she can't be that happy with the marriage if she still contacts me but then again maybe that's going to happen even if she is happy.

I emailed her saying to let me go and to focus on her marriage and I wish her the best. I also mentioned that NC is what I need. Maybe not the best email to send and maybe she won't accept it but I feel that this properly sets up NC for me. Now I feel like I can go away without randomly going NC. I could have just dropped off the face of the earth but we have been on good terms for awhile and felt that this way would be more appropriate. Luckily for me if she completely goes through with this marriage, then she will be moving very far away and I won't have to worry about running into her and her husband.

[Reg]

Me757

Believe me concerning one thing, she will never ever be happy, for the simple reason that she doesn't know what happy really is.  It can and will never be good enough.  Not for as long as she doesn't get real help.  Actually they don't even know love and what it really is... . as we know it.  You have to think about yourself now, so that you can move on with your own life... .

[eniale]

She is married.  She made that choice.  In my opinion, you should not be involved with her at all.  She is game playing.  I would send one final message: "My guess is your husband does not know you are contacting me. This is a game I do not wish to be part of.  I wish you well."  End of communication.  No further contact.  Block her, etc.  As it is, you are being a willing party to this.  You are not helping her and you are doing yourself a huge disservice.  Accept she made this choice.  She alone is responsible.  If she has BPD, she is playing you, big time, and you are falling for it, big time.  Get out of this and concentrate on yourself.  Look at it this way:  you have someone new in your life, and it is YOU.  Don't hang your star on wishful thinking.  You are wasting your precious time.  Let go.  Move on.

[me757]

That's what I did in my last email this morning. I told her she made her choice and to live with it... . without me in her life. I told her we were going NC too. She hasn't responded, which might mean she listened. I won't be surprised if she tries to bait me with calls and texts but I won't respond now that I've said my piece. Her being married makes it a whole lot easier to do this too. I ignored her calls for 3 weeks after she told me she got married but I just felt like I needed to send this last email for my closure and also we were on good terms. I didn't want her thinking maybe I had just been busy and not take the hint. She couldn't take the hint before so I wanted to be blunt. Hopefully she will stop calling me. I also did it because there is a new girl I want to pursue and I'm hoping my exBPD can just move on so i don't have to worry about her interfering. I guess I could block her phone but I don't really want to go to that extreme unless she really starts contacting me after this. Do you all think that this initiating NC could cause her to actually start trying to hold on to me more?

[recoil]

Do you all think that this initiating NC could cause her to actually start trying to hold on to me more?

If you can muster the strength to walk away, regardless of what she does or how she feels, you'll be doing yourself a big favor long term.  In the beginning of my detachment, I was so concerned about what she "might" do or think --- and how my actions might impact things.  Even though we were apart, I was still trying to do the "right thing".  I had so much false hope.

Today, I am indifferent toward her.  I am doing what I want, regardless of how she may perceive my actions.  Her thoughts and her life are no longer a concern of mine.  I mean her no ill will, nor do I wish blessings upon her.  All of my false hope is dead.

I go days without thinking of her.  And when I do think of her, I recognize the relationship for what it was -- a dance with a disordered person.

Live your life 757.  Let her and her husband live theirs.

[Clearmind]

Little passive aggressive here my friend and giving some mixed messages. She is telling you how she feels and you are acting in a way you feel – the two are not meeting.

You are waiting for her to detach from you! What ever happened to you making a decision for you? I’m perplexed!

Do you harbor guilt or obligation for stepping away completely? Do you hold out hope that if you stick around on any level there maybe a chance without you needing to cut your losses completely?

[me757]

I guess what I wanted was to walk away on good terms if possible. She can be reckless with alcohol so you never know whats going to happen to her. I didn't want to be on bad terms just in case something bad happened.

I probably harbor some guilt about stepping away completely but her getting married makes that a lot easier to walk away now. Before she would play the same game with trying to hold on to me but wasn't married. I admit that I probably stayed around longer because deep down I still wanted her current relationship to end. It still pisses me off and I hope they break up. If I still get angry then I probably am still attached. I know how good NC felt after 3 weeks of it and know that now that is what I really need to do. Not going to lie though... . even years from now if I hear she got divorced I will probably like it. I think I've been holding on more for that validation than a relationship with her, which is stupid.

[eniale]

NC is NC; does not matter whether she tries to contact you or not, you are finished.  You are not responsible for her life.  She has made her own decision, now she must live with the consequences.  When my sister's daughters had reached young adulthood, and they would announced to her something they planned to do, she would respond "Well, if that is what you want... . "  By saying that, she let them know the decision was strictly theirs.  I believe too many parents keep telling their children what/what not to do.  It prevents them from maturing.  Even if they rebel, do the opposite, they feel that somehow mom/dad is still the authority in their life & will always "pick up the pieces."  At some point, to become an adult, a person has to take responsibility for their own actions.  NC means you move on with your own life. Gradually, you will think of her less & less.  Probably not what she wants, but she wanted her cake (marriage) and to eat it, too (contact with you.)  You owe it to yourself to escape this game playing.

[me757]

It's funny you say that as she just called an hour ago. I didn't pick up as I officially started NC 4 days ago in an email which she never responded to. She then texted me a simple text asking where a certain store was. Probably a soft way of seeing if I will still engage. I didn't respond and won't. She does want her cake and to eat it too - which is so unattractive to me. She isn't the person I initially fell for and I'm glad I see that now. I'm denying her contact and it feels good. Really starting to feel detached more with me blatantly ignoring her. I don't need her. I don't even like her anymore. The only thing I miss is the idealization but at least I'm aware of that and can look into why that matters so much.

[clover528]

If you want to move on, why not cut out the middle man and block her number and online messanger?  You CANNOT rely on her having the response you want to YOUR actions.

I completely agree with Octoberfest. This is coming from a person who tried to do what i thought was going to get that exact desired reaction you speak of. IT DID NOT WORK!

PwBPD , feel, react, then sometimes think about what they just did. Sometimes not. That being the case, you have no way of knowing where they are in their path. They do not think logically. They are too busy feeling. You have no way to tell what happens during her day when you have the conversation, that will inevitably change or effect how she reacts to what you say and do. Its complicated. You cant possibly control her behavior or even begin to steer a reaction. You can control your behavior and your reaction.

I say NC is best. It isnt easy. Believe me. I struggle daily with this. But please listen to the insightful replies. It hurts now. But in the long run, it appears here, that there will be better days in the future.

[winston72]

Thank you ClearMind, for your clear minded exhortation:

You are waiting for her to detach from you! What ever happened to you making a decision for you? I’m perplexed!

I am so often muddled in my own thinking and struggle to see things clearly... . as clearly as I see them when I read the accounts of others.  Oh, how I wish I could apply that same mind to my own circumstances!

me757, I imagine that you would have some pretty clear advice if you heard your story being told by someoen else.  The facts are pretty clear:  She is married.  It is inappropriate and unhealthy for you to be relating to her, given your history as a couple and your current feelings.  :)o you want to be a person who undermines a marriage, actively or passively?  I doubt it.

And, as ClearMind, eniale, recoil, reg, scotisgone, danley, Octoberfest and likely others have said, it is solely your decision to end the relationship and move on.  You do not need her approval or consent.  And, by the way, she is MARRIED!

I am doing this myself in so many other places... . in the name of being responsible and caring for others, I am avoiding responsibility for myself.  Or, better said, my focus on others is/can be a way of avoiding what is happening within me.

[me757]

I totally agree. That's why I've kept NC since I started this post. I plan on continuing that. Actually, I took it a step further today and blocked her on FB (we weren't friends but still). The sad fact is that I delayed NC for far too long. I should have done it in January but kept getting sucked back in and wasted a good 6 months of my life with this borderline drama. It was too hard to detach back then.

Her getting married randomly before the actual wedding this August has actually helped tremendously. It shows me that she is 99% BPD and that I really don't like who've I've seen. She's not a healthy person, lacks complete empathy, makes tons of bad decisions and already doesn't respect her marriage. She called today after I told her to let go because she's married. The same would happen if I was dumb enough to marry her.

I realized that I wasn't holding on to her for her these last 6 months but for my narcissistic ways, wanting the validation of her current relationship to end. Well now I realize that fully and have stopped contact. I was childish in thinking I didn't want to "lose" the breakup. But holding on to her was just that. Besides, if she were to drop her husband and really try to recycle me, I think I'd have a panic attack. To date her again would mean instant marriage ultimatums (even though we were only together for 5 months), babysitting since she's an alcoholic (enough of a  to stay away), constant worry of her cheating (she's cheated on her husband a bunch before they got married but always "forgets" it), loss of any freedom since she can't ever be alone and pretty much all the other soul draining/co-dependent crap that comes with being with her. I put up with so much of this because she's pretty attractive. Huge life lesson learned here on not to get distracted by their looks. Plus, the way she drinks she'll prob lose her looks pretty quickly anyway.

[winston72]

Besides, if she were to drop her husband and really try to recycle me, I think I'd have a panic attack. To date her again would mean instant marriage ultimatums (even though we were only together for 5 months), babysitting since she's an alcoholic (enough of a   to stay away), constant worry of her cheating (she's cheated on her husband a bunch before they got married but always "forgets" it), loss of any freedom since she can't ever be alone and pretty much all the other soul draining/co-dependent crap that comes with being with her. I put up with so much of this because she's pretty attractive. Huge life lesson learned here on not to get distracted by their looks. Plus, the way she drinks she'll prob lose her looks pretty quickly anyway.

Oh, the human condition!  My ex sounds very similar to yours with the same behaviors including the marriage ultimatums.  And, if she wanted to recycle, I think I would turn into the proverbial "deer in the headlights" and would tell myself that "this time would be different."  Ah, desire clouds our thinking.

All the best to you.

[Clearmind]

I guess what I wanted was to walk away on good terms if possible. She can be reckless with alcohol so you never know whats going to happen to her. I didn't want to be on bad terms just in case something bad happened.

I probably harbor some guilt about stepping away completely but her getting married makes that a lot easier to walk away now. Before she would play the same game with trying to hold on to me but wasn't married.

me, its honorable to want to walk away on good terms however…….you can fill in the blanks here! ☺. If I were to fill in the blanks for what was true for my relationship break up “I wanted to walk away on good terms however,... . I knew wholeheartedly that neither of us were capable of reconciling the mess that was our relationship”.

I can understand you harboring guilt me! I did too... . not anymore. We are each responsible for our own part – she hers and you yours – sounds pretty simple huh and I agree its easier said than done. For me guilt was masked as shame – I felt ashamed that I could not help him. I certainly know where that came from – I spent my childhood being criticized by an abusive parent.

I admit that I probably stayed around longer because deep down I still wanted her current relationship to end. It still pisses me off and I hope they break up. If I still get angry then I probably am still attached. I know how good NC felt after 3 weeks of it and know that now that is what I really need to do. Not going to lie though... . even years from now if I hear she got divorced I will probably like it. I think I've been holding on more for that validation than a relationship with her, which is stupid.

We wait for the other shoe to fall off so we can then really believe that it wasn’t our fault. We tend to self blame because we have not accepted the relationship for what it was. In other words we hold onto the fantasy of what is was and wasn’t – its convenient to hold onto fantasy.

Years from now you will not give a care in the world. You would have worked on self worth and know that you deserve you better. For whatever reason you don’t believe that yet.

Not stupid my friend – hurting.

does want her cake and to eat it too - which is so unattractive to me. She isn't the person I initially fell for and I'm glad I see that now.

If we honestly believed that action speaks louder than words this contact would be a red flag.

She is in a new relationship and contacting you! If I was in a new relationship and my partner was contacting an ex the way she is and still engaged I would run for the hills.

The only thing I miss is the idealization but at least I'm aware of that and can look into why that matters so much.

Yep! Any ideas where that comes from? Those highs are like a drug.

[me757]

I think missing the idealization comes from having low self worth. On the other hand there are times when I think I have high self worth. It fluctuates. Maybe a bit of narcissistic issues? 

[Clearmind]

How do you define self worth me?

[me757]

My exBPD was my first real long term gf so at the time I thought that I was lucky to have her. I ignored a lot of red flags because I was attracted to her good side and she gave me a lot of attention and idealization - something I wasn't used to from a lot of girls. If I had some gf's prior to her or even other options at the time, I think I would have been a lot more selective. At the time I was just so desperate to finally have a gf and her and I really clicked like most BPD relationships start off.

As for self worth, I wasn't exactly happy where I was in life when her and I met. We both were still finishing college when most of our friends were way into their careers and we had no full time jobs. I felt safe from judgement from her because she was in the same shoes. Of course towards the end she would berate me about not having my life together even though she was in the same situation. I have to admit that because of the devastating breakup I have been working 100 times harder to increase my self worth and have made a lot of improvements I might not have made if we didn't breakup. At first it was to show her up but now that I realize that she is borderline, I don't care what she thinks because its distorted thinking. I finished college and she is going to take a break from it to get married next month and move 6000 miles away.

I define self worth as the ability to be independent, responsible, kind and doing what you really want to do in life as long as its not hurting anyone else.