uBPD Mother taking a local job and I am losing it (very long, sorry)

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It has been awhile since I first posted to these boards. You all helped me so much that things have actually been manageable for a long time. Part of this was my mother is a travelling nurse anesthetist and worked in different cities most of the year. I tried going NC but my grandmother (who helped raise me and is a wonderful normal person) called me and asked that I go to LC because she (grandmother) was worried that having open anger towards my mother would hurt me. I agree, since it was my grandma asking me, and with my mother travelling I only had to see her a couple times a year at most and didn't call her or email her.

In the past year I got closer to my father's sister. She is everything I could want in any sort of family member. Honest, supportive, cheerful and we have become close and I feel like I found a dear friend in her. My father abandoned my mother when I was 2, so most of my life my mother told me my grandparents on that side didn't love me, didn't want me. I only saw them a handful of times, and my mother acted like it was such trouble for her to bring me out of state to see them. They both are dead now.

Well, this past week my aunt and I were asking each other questions and she told me my mother did everything possible to make it impossible for her or my grandparents to see me. The only time I saw them was if they paid for my mother and me to come together (and later my stepsister). When my grandfather got too sick to work as much, my mother refused to come to see them. When I was old enough to ride an airplane on my own, they offered to pay for me to go; my mother refused. They sent cards; my mother apparently confiscated them because I only saw one item that my stepdad rescued from the mail for me. They even discussed suing for custody of me, but of course grandparents don't really have rights.

ANYWAY I am so sorry for this huge wall of text but I want to be able to frame my situation as complete as possible. My mother told me yesterday that she is taking a local job that starts next months. I am freaking out. I have PTSD and basically have been wavering between panic attacks and completely overcome with anger that she basically punished an entire family because of my father's actions, used that grudge long after she remarried, had more children and moved on with her life, used my child self as a pawn in some vendetta game that I cannot undo because the people most hurt by this are dead.

I guess I just need help, some advice, someone to tell me I'm not horrible for being so angry, I don't know. I am nowhere near being as helpless as I was before, but I feel like this year has swept the rug out under me just in time for her to aim a kick to my face.

I need someone to remind me of good ways to set boundaries and help me more assertive, I guess. I am okay at it; I need to get better in order to handle her being in the same area as me.

[Rusalka]

It has been awhile since I first posted to these boards. You all helped me so much that things have actually been manageable for a long time. Part of this was my mother is a travelling nurse anesthetist and worked in different cities most of the year. I tried going NC but my grandmother (who helped raise me and is a wonderful normal person) called me and asked that I go to LC because she (grandmother) was worried that having open anger towards my mother would hurt me. I agree, since it was my grandma asking me, and with my mother travelling I only had to see her a couple times a year at most and didn't call her or email her.

In the past year I got closer to my father's sister. She is everything I could want in any sort of family member. Honest, supportive, cheerful and we have become close and I feel like I found a dear friend in her. My father abandoned my mother when I was 2, so most of my life my mother told me my grandparents on that side didn't love me, didn't want me. I only saw them a handful of times, and my mother acted like it was such trouble for her to bring me out of state to see them. They both are dead now.

Well, this past week my aunt and I were asking each other questions and she told me my mother did everything possible to make it impossible for her or my grandparents to see me. The only time I saw them was if they paid for my mother and me to come together (and later my stepsister). When my grandfather got too sick to work as much, my mother refused to come to see them. When I was old enough to ride an airplane on my own, they offered to pay for me to go; my mother refused. They sent cards; my mother apparently confiscated them because I only saw one item that my stepdad rescued from the mail for me. They even discussed suing for custody of me, but of course grandparents don't really have rights.

ANYWAY I am so sorry for this huge wall of text but I want to be able to frame my situation as complete as possible. My mother told me yesterday that she is taking a local job that starts next months. I am freaking out. I have PTSD and basically have been wavering between panic attacks and completely overcome with anger that she basically punished an entire family because of my father's actions, used that grudge long after she remarried, had more children and moved on with her life, used my child self as a pawn in some vendetta game that I cannot undo because the people most hurt by this are dead.

I guess I just need help, some advice, someone to tell me I'm not horrible for being so angry, I don't know. I am nowhere near being as helpless as I was before, but I feel like this year has swept the rug out under me just in time for her to aim a kick to my face.

I need someone to remind me of good ways to set boundaries and help me more assertive, I guess. I am okay at it; I need to get better in order to handle her being in the same area as me.

[nomom4me]

You are not a horrible person!

I know how you feel, I have PTSD and it manifests as constant "what if's?" it's hard to stop!  A couple things that have helped me is have an answer for those what if's... . example, if your mom shows up at your door you (example) don't answer the door.

Getting out of the what if's is all about mindfulness, something I suck at but am learning more about.  I'm learning to be in my body more, simple tricks like thinking about my feet help - where are your feet now, are they touching the ground?  Sounds silly, but it gets you back in your body.  Just being busy with something that keeps my hands or body busy helps me too, a workout video or craft... . hope this helps!

[Rusalka]

You are not a horrible person!

I know how you feel, I have PTSD and it manifests as constant "what if's?" it's hard to stop!  A couple things that have helped me is have an answer for those what if's... . example, if your mom shows up at your door you (example) don't answer the door.

Getting out of the what if's is all about mindfulness, something I suck at but am learning more about.  I'm learning to be in my body more, simple tricks like thinking about my feet help - where are your feet now, are they touching the ground?  Sounds silly, but it gets you back in your body.  Just being busy with something that keeps my hands or body busy helps me too, a workout video or craft... . hope this helps!

Thank you so much for your reply! It feels nice to have a good word from someone. I feel so worn down recently.

I am usually really good at being mindful (I refer to it as being self aware) and yes! it made handling my mom so much easier. Feeling in control of my body and mind was a huge boon! I hadn't realized until now that I basically fell back into feeling numb and distanced from myself as a (bad) coping mechanism for dealing with all the stuff in my life.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention! I'm going to work on some meditative exercises and maybe get some real exercise in and get back in touch with myself, because that really did help.

[Rusalka]

Maybe I should have kept my OP really short... .

Perhaps this board is a lot slower than it used to be (which is good it means people are getting help and healing!)

I just wish I had someone to talk to about this.

[nomom4me]

It is slow, it's summer... . kids are out of school, people are taking vacations, etc.

You have allot going on, maybe look to other forums to talk about your husbands depression and nephews illness.  Are you in therapy?

Smear campaigns are a tough topic, I struggle with this too... . really, the damage is done.  All we can really do is live out own lives with integrity and show people we are not what has been said about us.

[Rusalka]

It is slow, it's summer... . kids are out of school, people are taking vacations, etc.

You have allot going on, maybe look to other forums to talk about your husbands depression and nephews illness.  Are you in therapy?

Smear campaigns are a tough topic, I struggle with this too... . really, the damage is done.  All we can really do is live out own lives with integrity and show people we are not what has been said about us.

I'm not in therapy, though I am looking into getting therapy with a local domestic violence group (DH isn't abusive now but maybe they could help me keep it that way) and I do what I can to help with my nephew.

On that topic, because he can't move/talk when my mother is around him he literally becomes a marionette for her to play with. She will make decisions for him and "speak" for him "<name> wants to do <x>" while holding him up. (like we were doing fireworks and she pushed his wheelchair right up to one going off because "he wants to see!" with NO regard for his safety) It makes me physically ill but my sister is too in FOG or entrenched to stop her. Or she will just say "<name> wants to eat guacamole!" and start feeding it to him even though he is on a feeding tube and unless positioned correctly can choke or have complications if stuff is just shoved in his mouth. My sister will scold her that nephew has to be in his special chair to eat but won't take him away or set boundaries.

I'm trying to figure out boundaries I can stick to. Like this past weekend we were getting together at my sister's house for dinner. I can't drive (legally blind) and so I was going to opt out because my husband was working 60 hours this past week and it is an hour drive if he were to drive me. My sister had already told me if I couldn't make it, it was fine, but my mother just showed up with a van she rented with two car seats, then lied and told me it was lunch we were having. So what am I to do? It seems like a nice gesture but as it turned out it WAS dinner and so all the prep I had to get done for MY family's Father's Day didn't get done because she picked me up six hours early and I couldn't leave until SHE said so. It made me so angry and sick to my stomach feeling trapped by her, but of course I have to swallow it because otherwise she will throw the rental at me and say I am ungrateful.

I'm trying to write things down and it is so draining to think I have to set all this stuff up again. Good thing is that because she is latched onto my sister and nephews, and because I make no qualms about standing up to her, she mostly leaves me alone even when in town.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there Rusalka,

Wow, that does sound very tough. I can see how hearing your mother say things that aren't good for your nephew would be frustrating and bring up a lot of strong emotions. It's really great that you're seeking to set boundaries.

I don't know if you've seen this link, but it's really great for helping set up boundaries. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

You also might like the information about different communication techniques which are so helpful when dealing with pwBPD and nons. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

[Rusalka]

Hey there Rusalka,

Wow, that does sound very tough. I can see how hearing your mother say things that aren't good for your nephew would be frustrating and bring up a lot of strong emotions. It's really great that you're seeking to set boundaries.

I don't know if you've seen this link, but it's really great for helping set up boundaries. BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

You also might like the information about different communication techniques which are so helpful when dealing with pwBPD and nons. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Thank you so much for the links. I will read them. I know I am half between venting and asking for help because I really have no one to discuss this with, no one to bounce this stuff off of and have them say, "That's not normal behavior." My husband refuses to hear stories about her because it makes him feel helpless and then angry. He wants me to go NC but everyone in the family is so enmeshed with her that if I did so it would cut me off from my family completely.

[Suzn]

This is a hard situation with your nephew Rusalka. That part is your sister's fight unfortunately. This would be upsetting for most.

It made me so angry and sick to my stomach feeling trapped by her, but of course I have to swallow it because otherwise she will throw the rental at me and say I am ungrateful.

What would happen if your mother called you ungrateful?