Ex-pwBPD's Birthday this Week

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been 4 months now since we were together before the chaos ensued. We were together for about 3 years. It's her birthday this week.  I have not made any contact what so ever.  And I want to keep it that way.  She has not made any contact either, although I did get calls from a weird number I didn't answer and swear I could've seen her driving through my work parking lot one day and then close to my new house. Can't verify it 100% though. I still think about her, dreams, and so on of course like everyone else on here.  But I know it's no good for me and do not want any contact no matter what.

My question is, am I an insensitive jerk for not messaging her a happy birthday?  I guess feeling guilty to break contact is a sign of the hold she still has on me.  What can I expect?  :)id anyone have something happen during their ex-pwBPD's birthday time frame? Did anyone break contact?

I'm very analytical and like to prepare my self for the worst. It's taken a lot to get where I am now.  I'm starting to date again.  I really don't want to be knocked back on the floor.

[jollygreen]

It's been 4 months now since we were together before the chaos ensued. We were together for about 3 years. It's her birthday this week.  I have not made any contact what so ever.  And I want to keep it that way.  She has not made any contact either, although I did get calls from a weird number I didn't answer and swear I could've seen her driving through my work parking lot one day and then close to my new house. Can't verify it 100% though. I still think about her, dreams, and so on of course like everyone else on here.  But I know it's no good for me and do not want any contact no matter what.

My question is, am I an insensitive jerk for not messaging her a happy birthday?  I guess feeling guilty to break contact is a sign of the hold she still has on me.  What can I expect?  :)id anyone have something happen during their ex-pwBPD's birthday time frame? Did anyone break contact?

I'm very analytical and like to prepare my self for the worst. It's taken a lot to get where I am now.  I'm starting to date again.  I really don't want to be knocked back on the floor.

[Cooper10]

I think you've identified the main reason not to break contact, which is for your own gold.  If you want to think about it the other way, though, I think it actually would be more selfish to wish her a happy birthday than to not do so.  I empathize with wanting to.  But, for me at least, when I got to the core of my intentions, the desire was motivated by a need to keep talking to my ex and remain in his life.  I missed him.   I wanted to make sure to recognize his day.  But that would simply have signaled to him that I wanted to reopen doors of communication and would have been inconsistent with what I said I wanted and what was best for both of us.

As to what might happen, it's hard to predict and there are a lot of variables.  Since it sounds like you've been no contact up to this point, she may mirror your silence and continue on the same path.   That said, although to say nothing is the mature route, my ex never understood that.   We had a unique history with happy birthday wishes; but, mine did reach out to get coffee a few weeks after his and mentioned my not having wished him a happy birthday.   We were in more of a gray area re: contact at that time though.   On my first post-breakup birthday, we were also in an ambiguous place re: contact and I was very upset when he didnt wish me one.   But, had we still been at zero contact prior to my birthday, I wouldn't have been as upset. It was the inconsistency that hurt, not the absence of the birthday wishes alone.

In any event, birthdays are hard on either side.   You are absolutely doing the right thing by not reaching out--that leads to serious backsliding and isn't fair to either side.  Do your best to distract yourself so you don't dwell on it this week, though I know that's easier said than done.

[danley]

If you have been NC and think it'll be a step back in your healing process then I don't think you'd be a jerk. My ex and I were LC and we work together. Both our bdays came right after the breakup. Mine came first and he wished me happy bday. I did the same for him on his a month later. If we had been NC and didn't work together,  I'm not sure if he'd wish me a happy bday. And since my bday is before his, I'd probably follow suit and not wish him one if this were the case.

I'd say you're pretty much moving on with dating and healing. It would be a nice gestures to wish her happy bday. Bit since you seem set on NC,  I would probably remain on that path.

[Clearmind]

You are no longer together - you get to write the rule book.

Look out for you now... .

[jollygreen]

Thanks danley and clearmind for really solidifying my choice. And thanks cooper for your story. I did not think of the mirroring concept in this scenario. But it makes sense. She mirrored every group of people she was around intensely towards the end. I'm definitely going to stick to my guns on NC. I really underestimated how much I would think about her during this time frame. My birthday is next and I'm sure it will come up again.

[Sparky2Blame?]

A year ago August I was 4 months NC with my ex and decided I would be mature and wish her a happy b-day via text.  She replied with a thanks, and asked how I was... .   And it turned into a week or so of texting and talking.  It started out good and dredged up feelings that I had thought were laid to rest. But eventually it lead to some conversations about delinquent bills and unpaid personal loans... . and our contact seized again after a few arguments.

At that time, I wan't sure what I wanted out of it.  And I think part of it was me making an effort to hang on and hoping for a reconciliation.  Being removed from another recycle, since, and having become more educated on what maybe going on underneath her surface... . this year I will let a sleeping dog lie.  We've been NC/LC for about a month.  And since we spent my b-day together during our recycle, I'm sure not saying anything will make me a jerk as well.  But it's nothing personal, and its not that I don't wish that she has a great day.  I will think about her when that day comes, and wish her well, silently.  I just know breaking NC will be a setback for me and where I'm trying to get to.

Sounds like you know what you will do.  Good luck!