I realized why I stayed, I NEED advice

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

oh god,

I read a post here yesterday about what is keeping us stuck and it hit me. I've thought about it so much but I never put two and two together. I faced extremely deep and hurtful betrayal from two very close family members when I was 14 perhaps (no incest or anything of that nature). They made such a hurtful lie about me to a point that I ran so far away from that part of the family. It was a no-win situation for me. It hurt me deeply, I mean damn it that's family you don't expect that and at young age it's downright hurtful. It's affected me for years but I've worked with it and I've come to forgive them. They also gave me half ass apologies that I never bought. I realize this now that they both suffer from severe PDs (not saying this to justify their actions but I've done intense thinking). I saw how much a lie, similar to the one that was told by my two family members, could affect a person and this person was my exBPD. I saw how much she suffered from what has happened to her (similar to my story). I guess I saw myself in her. I wanted to make it right coupled my naive thinking. my BPD ex had a ton of other issues I could never relate. I don't know where to go or how to handle this... . THose two fam. members discarded me like how i discarded them. My BPDex discarded me in a similar fashion. I guess that's why I held such anger. I guess it torn open that wound. It was just like going through it again coupled with the pain she caused me... .   :'(

Is this good? is this bad? I feel like complete crap. Anyone please I'd appericate any insight!

[Deleted]

oh god,

I read a post here yesterday about what is keeping us stuck and it hit me. I've thought about it so much but I never put two and two together. I faced extremely deep and hurtful betrayal from two very close family members when I was 14 perhaps (no incest or anything of that nature). They made such a hurtful lie about me to a point that I ran so far away from that part of the family. It was a no-win situation for me. It hurt me deeply, I mean damn it that's family you don't expect that and at young age it's downright hurtful. It's affected me for years but I've worked with it and I've come to forgive them. They also gave me half ass apologies that I never bought. I realize this now that they both suffer from severe PDs (not saying this to justify their actions but I've done intense thinking). I saw how much a lie, similar to the one that was told by my two family members, could affect a person and this person was my exBPD. I saw how much she suffered from what has happened to her (similar to my story). I guess I saw myself in her. I wanted to make it right coupled my naive thinking. my BPD ex had a ton of other issues I could never relate. I don't know where to go or how to handle this... . THose two fam. members discarded me like how i discarded them. My BPDex discarded me in a similar fashion. I guess that's why I held such anger. I guess it torn open that wound. It was just like going through it again coupled with the pain she caused me... .   :'(

Is this good? is this bad? I feel like complete crap. Anyone please I'd appericate any insight!

[Clearmind]

Phew my friend!

Its interesting how life deals us scenarios in order to work out some old wounds – I am sorry to hear you feel like crap however I am so pleased you have come to the crux of what brought you here – this is a fabulous thing. Things tend to feel bad before they get better – that is the nature of life and it’s the nature of processing traumatic events. Good thing is you are no longer in the dark - you are awake.

I came to the realization that my father is BPD after my ex and I split – that was hugely traumatic for me – I realized that my father was not who I thought he was. I have healed and now my father is everything I think him to be – honest, loving, knowledgeable and intelligent man who loves the only way he can. It was a revelation, it was also painful, and now its comforting to know that I now know.

Things will look up for you now Deleted. I promise!

Having a family member betray you is hugely challenging. If you feel comfortable in sharing where these family members part of your immediate family? If not, was this event something you feel you could have, at the time, share with your immediate family?

[ObiRedKenobi]

I saw a lot of myself in my exBPD. Not just mirroring but we'd gone through some of the similar life experiences. I think that actually happens a lot. She also had issues I just couldn't help with when I wanted to help make things right. I wish I had some advice but all I can do is offer some encouragement that your not the only one in this boat.

[Deleted]

Clear mind, I find your posts very uplifting. I was panicking in the sense that I have some sort of fear that I would suffer and feel the pain that my BPDex felt. No they were not immediate family but we were are close. They're older than me by a few years. I never spoke to any immediate family about this until a few days ago. I told my mother while I was visiting at her house. She knows about the BPD ex and all. She has been my support throughout this whole ordeal, and this site. I kept it In this whole time. I did speak with one of the family members and I got a half assed apology for his own agenda. I was deeply hurt and I did forgive in time. I just saw myself in her. I was very naive but this too kept me in. I can't and I refuse to act these sorts of things subconsciously without being aware. I'm aware now I guess the main thing is where to go from here. Thank you so much!

Obiredkenobi,

Thank you it's always good to know you're not the only person and that they're people out tere who understand. I guess we experienced the dark side of the force with our exBPD. The dark side  is certainly strong with them .

[Clearmind]

Deleted, a relationship break up like this one is likely to bring up some intense emotions.

My thoughts are that we seek a BPD mate to mask some inner pain and hurt - what better way to forget about our issues than to immerse ourselves in a fantasy world.

Sometimes its not the event that caused the pain that is so crucial to understand - its the underlying emotions that are more telling. So if you can let go of the event and concentrate on what emotions this has caused to surface you are 99% there.

Deleted I think for me, to move through past hurt is to reconcile what is my truth and what isn't - what it is that I can control and what I cannot. Hurt often escalates when we take on things we simply cannot control - its a downward spiral of negativity with no way out cause... . it wasn't ours to solve in the first instance.

It helps to begin to really accept that everyone on this planet has issues - some don't take personal responsibility for them and unfortunately their own angst and inner pain spills out onto others. Projection is not just for Borderlines. We, the partners of Borderlines here on bpdfamily do some of our own projecting onto our partners. It also sounds like these friends of yours did some projecting of their own --- onto you! Don't wear the cloak. Exercise empathy for those that cannot manage their own emotions - they have some healing of past wounds themselves - accept its not your responsibility.

Trust you are an adult with adult privileges - with that comes a plethora of life skills, some may need some honing - boundaries need to become our friends - boundary-less people get walked on and in the end are the ones left resentful, hurt and angry. We need to allow others to do what they want, and they will - we cannot control it.

The only thing we can control is our perception of the event, our perception of ourselves - our truth. The rest really shouldn't concern us - and if it does we need to dig deep to see what vulnerable emotions are holding us back.

Work on your self worth Deleted. Your worth got trampled on a little.

[bpdspell]

oh god,

I read a post here yesterday about what is keeping us stuck and it hit me. I've thought about it so much but I never put two and two together. I faced extremely deep and hurtful betrayal from two very close family members when I was 14 perhaps (no incest or anything of that nature). They made such a hurtful lie about me to a point that I ran so far away from that part of the family. It was a no-win situation for me. It hurt me deeply, I mean damn it that's family you don't expect that and at young age it's downright hurtful. It's affected me for years but I've worked with it and I've come to forgive them. They also gave me half ass apologies that I never bought. I realize this now that they both suffer from severe PDs (not saying this to justify their actions but I've done intense thinking). I saw how much a lie, similar to the one that was told by my two family members, could affect a person and this person was my exBPD. I saw how much she suffered from what has happened to her (similar to my story). I guess I saw myself in her. I wanted to make it right coupled my naive thinking. my BPD ex had a ton of other issues I could never relate. I don't know where to go or how to handle this... . THose two fam. members discarded me like how i discarded them. My BPDex discarded me in a similar fashion. I guess that's why I held such anger. I guess it torn open that wound. It was just like going through it again coupled with the pain she caused me... .   :'(

Is this good? is this bad? I feel like complete crap. Anyone please I'd appericate any insight!

Deleted,

I learned in therapy that if your hysterical then it's historical.

That is often why these breakups are often so unexplainably hurtful. They bring up old often unhealed wounds and damaging hurtful situations in our past. Situations that we all have probably tried to repress and bury so we could try to live our lives in a normal way.

My parents emotionally abandoned me. My mother was physically abusing, blaming, and undiagnosed clinically depressed. My father was a paranoid schizophrenic, used me as a child as a source of control... . and my parents had a superglued toxic bond based on control, abuse and manipulation. It was my inherited "model" of love and why I felt so alive with my BPDexbf.

So when I broke up with my BPD I was a mess and a disaster. All of these historical feelings came up and demanded nurturing, attention and validation. It's a journey. In self revelation we often realize that we ourselves have lived with deep unhealed hurts. Hurts that are desperate for our attention so we can be healed and feel whole again.

So to answer your question... . this revelation is pretty damn awesome... . you're on your way to validating your true hurt and truth.

Spell

[Deleted]

Thank you both for you posts. I'm not panicking nor am I frantic now which I'm grateful for. It's pretty crazy how after a year I'm still hung up about it and fearing that she might be better, if she's thinking about me and other thoughts. I never said ok, where DO I go from here? How and what happened ? How will I improve? I didn't start asking this until a few months ago.

I had a dream last night I was thrown down this underground cave by this demon like "thing", when I reached the bottom I kept saying to myself "ok I need to make fire, I need light ". I think my mind subconsciously said well deleted,  you're down in this dark area do what any normal human does, find light, understand and study your surroundings, when you're set, get the hell out.

[Emelie Emelie]

I am completely frantic and panicking. I'll be okay for a couple of hours then I'll be sobbing uncontrollably.  The intensity of my grief scares me.  Not suicidal by any means.  Just afraid I'll never get over it.  I'll always be sad.  And no relationship will ever measure up to the good parts of this one.

[Deleted]

Emelie,

I completely understand. The good times were AMAZING and to this day they were one of the happiest times of my life. However it doesn't erase the fact that the same person who I shared those amazing days also gave me some of te worst days in my life and a crappy year after I left her. Hang in there. It's been a turbulent ride but what's ahead is a better you. Seriously I know it's cliche but these relationships cause us to look at ourselves why we allowed it and really begin to look inside. I hope you can work with yourself and see that this is a blessing in disguise believe it or not. (Sometimes I don't believe it as well) but I have a great support group who quickly snaps me back to reality.

[pari]

wonderful discussion.

I am realizing so much about my own issues while hurting. That I always was a loner. Never let myself open up, thinking it was my strength. Trusted on myself for everything and never let myself be vulnerable. Thinking life will fall in place. I am out going, social, independent, responsible, care giving kind but didn't let people in my inner circle easily.  I waited for 28 years and found myself so alone, so lost. When I met BPDex, I was on cloud nine. He made me feel so good about myself. I counted all my hopes and dreams on him. Gave him so much of myself, thinking he is the love of my life. He was, until he replaced me.

Now I feel abandoned, like a child. I don't know what to do with my life. I used to strong but I let myself be vulnerable for this guy and he left me. My T gave a wonderful metaphor of him being a bad candy for me, a candy that I long for. Honestly, I am too scared now, too scared to trust anyone, let anyone be close, too scared to trust myself for letting anyone ( not just romantic r/s) in my life.

So yeah, I agree that he had issues. But I had issues too, because of which I didn't see the red flags, I let my guards down and let him treat me like toy. He can put blame on me and feel better. But I can't do the same. I need to take responsibility of my actions, my mistakes and learn to be a better person.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Pari and all,

     I do not agree at all with "... . and learn to be a better person."  Being abandoned sends a very clear message to a very vulnerable young mind that you're no good.  We internalize that and believe it to the very core of our beings -- and it is completely wrong.  You didn't do anything wrong.  It might help to think of someone else you respect and then imagine him or her doing exactly what you have done.  What would you say to them?  Would you, honestly, tell them (or even think) that they need to be a better person?  I doubt it.

     We are all in almost exactly the same boat.  Our half of this toxic mixture is that we briefly had the parental relationship(s) we both needed and still need so very desperately.  That was the perfection we felt with our pwBPD.  It truly was bliss and puts that person (in a very weird way) into an almost god-like category in our brain, as our parents really were god-like to us.  I don't think you can really ruminate and completely obsess about your BPDex any more once you fully accept this. Certainly, for me, it has changed my life.

     I will say that the Pavlovian conditioning -- seeing her or hearing her voice, followed by incredibly powerful reward -- has remained difficult to fully eradicate, especially since the reward pattern was intermittent, the worst kind for addicts (ask a compulsive gambler).  But it will just take time and some 'self-talk'.  I think we can beat this, even if it ends up being something we have to fight, to some degree, for the rest of our lives.  ":)eleted", you seem very well on your way.  Excellent!

LT