heard from ex and feeling funky

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex sent me an email Saturday night, one day before what would have been our one year anniversary.  Tomorrow is 4 months since he broke up with me. 

The email said "I've been receiving messages since last night. Do you wanna know?"  It took me a minute, but I realized he meant that he had been receiving spiritual messages from the Universe (this is part of our shared belief system).  I know this was meant to hook me back in.  I thought of responding with, "I appreciate you wanting to share your psychic perceptions with me, but what would help me more is some clarity on why we broke up.  Because I had no information, I ended up blaming myself for everything (rightly or wrongly)".

I decided not to send it, or any response, after talking with some good friends of mine.  They reminded me that I would never get a straight or clear answer from him.  In fact, I doubt if he even knows why he broke up with me.  I think it was more an impulsive decision based on him being destabilized that week. 

I still miss him, and I had told myself that if he emailed me again I would take it as an opportunity to try to get some clear answers from him.  But I didn't take that opportunity.  I felt I couldn't.  What would I really gain from it?

Still, it has left me in an unproductive funk ever since.

[leftbehind]

My ex sent me an email Saturday night, one day before what would have been our one year anniversary.  Tomorrow is 4 months since he broke up with me. 

The email said "I've been receiving messages since last night. Do you wanna know?"  It took me a minute, but I realized he meant that he had been receiving spiritual messages from the Universe (this is part of our shared belief system).  I know this was meant to hook me back in.  I thought of responding with, "I appreciate you wanting to share your psychic perceptions with me, but what would help me more is some clarity on why we broke up.  Because I had no information, I ended up blaming myself for everything (rightly or wrongly)".

I decided not to send it, or any response, after talking with some good friends of mine.  They reminded me that I would never get a straight or clear answer from him.  In fact, I doubt if he even knows why he broke up with me.  I think it was more an impulsive decision based on him being destabilized that week. 

I still miss him, and I had told myself that if he emailed me again I would take it as an opportunity to try to get some clear answers from him.  But I didn't take that opportunity.  I felt I couldn't.  What would I really gain from it?

Still, it has left me in an unproductive funk ever since.

[patientandclear]

I think you might learn some things, but it would NOT be why he really acted as he did.  As you say, I doubt he knows, and whatever was true, has been re-written in a self-justifying way by this point so the story will forever obscure what was really going on in his mind when it happened.

The two conversations I have no interest in having with my ex, with whom I am in touch, are whether he is seeing anyone (if the answer is yes, it will be over by the time I am halfway through processing it), and why what happened with us, happened.  Why he did what he did after (immediately got involved with someone else & professed the same things to her he'd been saying to me, after having told me he wanted to work through his intimacy issues to figure out why he kept getting stuck with our r/s).  I don't think he has any idea -- I think he is a consumer of his own stories and his own rationalization, and his own need to not have done terribly destructive things.

So really want to buttress your insight that he will not be able to explain to you in a way that is helpful or illuminating.

I do take what my ex says about himself, life, barriers he feels exist to sustained happiness, and so on, as interesting data that help me understand how he functions.  I do not take any of it as accurate information about why what happens, happens. He is constantly persuading himself of radically different imperatives ... . his impulses must be justified & he is armed with lots of wise-sounding quasi-spiritual justifications for any position that feels better to him at the moment.

[heartandwhole]

Hi leftbehind,

I feel for you.  It's hard to get that contact after so much time.  I recently was sent a message from my pwBPD, over a year after our breakup (we've had NC).  I also thought about just being kind and acknowledging the message, but not engaging with him (I just can't go back into any kind of r/s with him).  Then things started unraveling in my family and I was taken away from thinking about it.

I haven't responded, and I'm pretty sure I won't.  For exactly the same reasons as you.  What could we possible be to each other now?  Friendship hasn't worked, romantic didn't work.  What's left? I don't miss him or need any closure, I realize that the disorder took over and he didn't mean to hurt me, so that helps a lot.

I think you are very wise to realize that you probably won't gain anything and will instead probably be engaged in a way that might put you back in your healing process.

It's really difficult, and my heart goes out to you.  Just last night, my fingers  almost sent a "thank you."  So glad they didn't.

heartandwhole

[Validation78]

Hi LB!

I can really appreciate how hearing anything can make you feel "funky". What the others, and your friends have told you is right on target, IMHO!

We rarely, get the reactions from pwBPD that we hope for or expect because we never did experience the relationships the same way they did. Chances are, that even though time has passed, nothing has really changed for them. Re-engagement will likely lead to frustration for us, and if NC has aided us in our healing, there's no use in taking a chance that changing our course will set us back. Kudos for sticking to your plan!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[GreenMango]

"I've been receiving messages since last night. Do you wanna know?"

This statement would make me feel funky too!

Two reasons:

1.  Psychic phenomena episodes and mental illness can be scary and confusing.

2.  You needing rationale when he's clearly not rationale.

Looks like you sat with it and asked yourself important questions.

[leftbehind]

Thank you to everyone for your support .  I still miss him tremendously, and even though I am maintaining NC, I still think about him constantly.  So part of my brain is saying, "if you're thinking of him constantly, you might as well be in contact with him, right?"

I know that it wouldn't help me, and would most likely set me back.  But I feel I am set back anyway because I can't get him out of my head.  I can't have a conversation with anyone close to me without referencing him most days.

I am highlighting the parts from all of your posts that really resonate. Forgive me for not mentioning you individually, but I'm getting sleepy.

You needing rationale when he's clearly not rationale.

We rarely, get the reactions from pwBPD that we hope for or expect because we never did experience the relationships the same way they did.

What could we possible be to each other now?  Friendship hasn't worked, romantic didn't work.  What's left?

I think you might learn some things, but it would NOT be why he really acted as he did.  As you say, I doubt he knows, and whatever was true, has been re-written in a self-justifying way by this point so the story will forever obscure what was really going on in his mind when it happened.

These points are all spot on.  Thanks again.  At this point, it's been more than 48 hours since he emailed me, so I'm sure his head is in a completely different place by now anyway.  I wish I could have my old love back, but I need to keep realizing that the person he was is forever lost to me. 

The other thing I need to keep remembering is that he's not apologizing, saying he misses me, asking me how I am, or asking to get back together.  All he is offering is to share what he believes are spiritual messages with me.  Since he fully believes he is able to channel messages from Jesus now, I believe this is part of his mental illness and a further spiraling into disorganized thought for him.  So why would I want to hear what he has to say?

I wish he could be the person he presented at the beginning of our relationship.  I wish we could have been healthy and happy together.  Guess it's "See you next lifetime."  So sad.

[Bananas]

The other thing I need to keep remembering is that he's not apologizing,

I think that is what stands out for me, no apology.  And it is like he is baiting you, holding out the carrot out in front of you so you will bite with his mysterious piece of info and  "do you wanna know?"  My ex was so good at this, waving the carrot just close enough so I thought I could grab it but then when I tried he would pull it away.  Always just out of reach... .  

Good for you for staying strong and taking care of LB! 

[RedCandle]

The other thing I need to keep remembering is that he's not apologizing,

I think that is what stands out for me, no apology.  And it is like he is baiting you, holding out the carrot out in front of you so you will bite with his mysterious piece of info and  "do you wanna know?"  My ex was so good at this, waving the carrot just close enough so I thought I could grab it but then when I tried he would pull it away.  Always just out of reach... .  

Amen. AMEN. AAAAMMMEEENNNN!