Thanks

[ladygabsalot]

Hi All,

First of all I would just like to say thank you for this brilliant site and the wise words of wisdom you guys provide here.

I have recently started a new relationship with my dBPDbf, it will be 4 months in two days time. He was diagnosed 12 months ago after his fist suicide attempt. I knew of the BPD before we started going out and I tried to slow things down as we had both come out of marriages before getting together, however I had about 8-9 months of single-dom before engaging in this relationship, unlike my dBPDbf who only had a couple of weeks, however, he knew the relationship was over 1 year before and was not helping his recovery at all. However, as I have seen in other posts, I was immensely swept up in the dizzying highs of his overwhelming affection and adoration for me. I held off for a month before I gave in and we officially started dating.

At first he hid his BPD traits very well, he is extremely high functioning, and I didnt even think BPD was going to be an issue in our relationship, more like a blip on the relationship radar... . as the relationship has progressed however and he has learnt to trust me and open up to me about his past childhood abuse and neglect, his fears, abandonment issues, his eating disorder (which he denies is a problem) and suicidal ideation, I now realise I am almost in a 3 way relationship featuring him, myself and his BPD. We have regular downs almost weekly, of which suicide is often referred to and he even sometimes engages in self harm. Thankfully he never rages or is ever physically abusive and I could never see him that way (I hope that is not wishful thinking either), he internalises his anger and takes it out on himself with self harm etc, however he has manipulation down to a fine art and emotionally he can be quite controlling.

It has been common over the last 2 months for him to swing between his own new-found spirituality that helps himself be confident and realise he doesnt want to die, which is fantastic to hear, yet he then gets 'too high' and starts to cut me out of his life by saying things like "well I am doing such-an-such with or without you" when we already had plans to do said thing, constantly talking about leaving me and how that would be totally fine with him, he wouldnt even care really, and wanting to quit his job on the spot as he just didnt feel that his job was satisfying him anymore only to swing back and crash down hard, almost in a 24 hour period to lows that last for 3 days. Its been dizzying to say the least. Finding balance is almost a pipe-dream I feel at times.   

He asked me at the start of the relationship to please read up on BPD so I could be more informed however as I viewed it as a non-issue back then I didnt really take much of the literature on board. I had actually started reading 'walking on eggshells' but stopped after the forward as I naively thought, this is not my SO at all, this is useless... . I picked it up the other day and almost all the words, situations, and advice is spot-on (minus the outward aggression). I since joined this forum and the few posts that I have started reading have just been fantastic. I have already put into practice a few of the techniques that I have picked up so far. For example, yesterday, I received a text advising me that he had made an appointment for us to see his Psych this weekend. Big steps for him as his previous partner would not go at all with him or seek help of her own, I said "yes, that I needed to swap things around to make it fit in, but should be fine". Within 3 hours, I received this text stating that he really didnt need me there and that maybe it was a bad idea, and that really I couldnt offer him anything that the Psych couldnt etc etc... . I picked up that he may be feeling extremely anxious about me going so I called him and calmly spoke about the issue advising him that it was his choice if I attended or not but that I was happy to if he wanted me there. He came back with responses such as "well you cant mother me, and if you wish to do that then you can just leave, I have a mouth, I dont need you to speak for me"  and advised me of a time about 5 weeks ago that I did use the phrase "I think what **** is trying to say is... . " as he was literally lost for words. But rather than point out this fact, I just remained calm because his words were starting to escalate to get to the stage where he becomes nasty, but it was defused right there... . I know it only a small incident and one that is not distinct to BPD, but one that I feel I did well in starting to develop the skills for when the big meltdowns occur. I cant stand when we have the big meltdowns and I have always felt afterwards that I could have handled it better. I am just hoping that I remember to implement these skills soon when he starts off with the really biting phrases and horrible threats towards me.

I am really hoping we can make this relationship work as I feel like he is my soul mate. He is so loving, kind and has the most incredible soul and I am willing to try anything I can to do so. I am trying to establish my boundaries and having issues identifying in myself what they are. The other night I started a discussion with him about what my boundaries are and he was good considering I could see he was attempting to control his fears that he would project onto me at times. Is it appropriate to add them to the list as the time goes on and I discover them? I dont want it to be like "opps there is another one you cant do" in case he then feels like I add all situations to my list of boundaries.

Wow this post was longer than I thought. Thanks all for those that read and any feedback would be welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi ladygabsablot,

 It's great that you bf is seeking help for himself, and you're willing to learn all you can to help him. 

Basically, boundaries are things that help to maintain our values.  For example, if your value is: "People should maintain basic decency when they speak to each other."  Then perhaps your boundary can be: when your bf speaks to you harshly, you don't participate in the conversation.

You can let your bf know you have certain boundaries, but you must also be prepared that pwBPDs are people who push boundaries.  They don't like it.  Therefore, when he crosses the line, you take action.  Say he spoke harshly to you.  Instead of telling him, "See?  You were not polite.  Please be polite."  and continue the conversation with him, you may just end the conversation and say, "You spoke harshly to me.  I cannot accept that.  I will not continue this conversation." 

And you're right.  You may start off with 1 or 2 boundaries, then as time goes by and they are more used to you having boundaries, you may add more.

[Grey Kitty]

  and welcome ladygabsablot,

I didn't see a question I could answer in this; I do remember how glad I was to find this forum and realize that I could believe I was sane, and recognize that my situation was insane, instead of listening to my wife's voice (at the time) telling me in effect that I was the problem.

You are welcome to share and vent if you need to, or ask for advice if that is what you need instead.

 GK