Fear and Shame - learning to find safety to become vulnerable

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have such denial about the depth of fear and shame in me. Hard to even put in writing here. Yet, a friend in a a women's study group at church held me accountable for this on a rare day when I got out of my head and spoke tearfully, apologetically from my heart. And the apology was for the act of crying. Just could not hold the pain inside anymore and pretend I was strong enough to cope with the deterioration in my life, in my family. She later suggested I read ":)arely Greatly" by Brene Brown. It is a book about being vulnerable. It resonated with me, but was not enough. So I searched out her website found the previous book that is giving me some tools to work in that direction. "The Gifts of Imperfection". I can breathe so freely when I am reading this. She is talking about so many things I search for in balancing my life. About finding who I am, and LIVING IT.

Her 3 C's:  Courage, Compassion, and Connection

We are hardwired for these to survive well. My faith supports all of these, and my scripture reading supports this. The lessons here about boundaries and validation support these gifts too.

LIVING IT or DOING IT -- this is what I have been so lacking the past 6 months as so many things that i believed i had some influence or control with disintegrated around me. With my dh, with my gd8, with my DD27 and her friends that had wiggled into our life. All my old habits took over - old coping stratigies that didn't work before and don't work now. Dr. Brown's book just bored into my heart and rooted out that all these are still there, still active, and getting in the way of my being a healthy partner with others in my life.

Arrogance, pride, self-righteousness, whining, complaining, obsessive worrying, irratiblity and anger, fear, depression, physical pain, insomnia, isolation... .   Hopelessness... . Hypomanic cycling... . unable to make decisions then making faulty decisions... .

Building a few very safe relationships where it is healthy to be vulnerable and honest -- this was the first tool that I am holding onto. Saying too much to the wrong people only makes things worse, and drives people away from my entire family. As I am learning who it is OK to reach out to for help, I have less need to dump my crap on others. It is harmful even sometimes to others.

I don't know what I would do without bpdfamily.com. And without my new T -- who can put my needs first for a change.

Maybe this is all coming from my head still - is my heart still in hiding? I will let you know how it goes as I get into the "Cultivating" chapers of the book.

qcr

[qcarolr]

I have such denial about the depth of fear and shame in me. Hard to even put in writing here. Yet, a friend in a a women's study group at church held me accountable for this on a rare day when I got out of my head and spoke tearfully, apologetically from my heart. And the apology was for the act of crying. Just could not hold the pain inside anymore and pretend I was strong enough to cope with the deterioration in my life, in my family. She later suggested I read ":)arely Greatly" by Brene Brown. It is a book about being vulnerable. It resonated with me, but was not enough. So I searched out her website found the previous book that is giving me some tools to work in that direction. "The Gifts of Imperfection". I can breathe so freely when I am reading this. She is talking about so many things I search for in balancing my life. About finding who I am, and LIVING IT.

Her 3 C's:  Courage, Compassion, and Connection

We are hardwired for these to survive well. My faith supports all of these, and my scripture reading supports this. The lessons here about boundaries and validation support these gifts too.

LIVING IT or DOING IT -- this is what I have been so lacking the past 6 months as so many things that i believed i had some influence or control with disintegrated around me. With my dh, with my gd8, with my DD27 and her friends that had wiggled into our life. All my old habits took over - old coping stratigies that didn't work before and don't work now. Dr. Brown's book just bored into my heart and rooted out that all these are still there, still active, and getting in the way of my being a healthy partner with others in my life.

Arrogance, pride, self-righteousness, whining, complaining, obsessive worrying, irratiblity and anger, fear, depression, physical pain, insomnia, isolation... .   Hopelessness... . Hypomanic cycling... . unable to make decisions then making faulty decisions... .

Building a few very safe relationships where it is healthy to be vulnerable and honest -- this was the first tool that I am holding onto. Saying too much to the wrong people only makes things worse, and drives people away from my entire family. As I am learning who it is OK to reach out to for help, I have less need to dump my crap on others. It is harmful even sometimes to others.

I don't know what I would do without bpdfamily.com. And without my new T -- who can put my needs first for a change.

Maybe this is all coming from my head still - is my heart still in hiding? I will let you know how it goes as I get into the "Cultivating" chapers of the book.

qcr

[nolisan]

Sounds like you are doing some deep and hard work on yourself. Good for you. Easy does it. Rome wasn't built in a day.

[Cumulus]

Hi qcarolr, I really got a lot out of her books as well. She is encouraging and motivating and yet has great practical information to share. I needed to be fairly far along in my recovery however before I could entertain the idea of allowing myself to be vulnerable. I kept so much hidden for so many years, not just from others, but from myself that allowing the light of vulnerability to shine in was incomprehensible to me in the beginning. Now, it is liberating.

[seeking balance]

I think Brene Brown's research and approach is fantastic also.

After the BPD experience, the vulnerability armor:

"foreboding joy", "perfection", "numbing" - were exhausting to carry around.

Letting that go was scary at first, but oh so liberating.

Thanks for sharing this!

[qcarolr]

nolisan and cumulus - it is hard for me to go slow. like i will alienate those i care most about beyond repair if i don't get it faster. yet i know that is foolhardy thinking too.

my DD, even in her state of turmoil, reaches out to protect me when she feels that my dh is being too sacarstic or self-centered. my marriage is mine, not hers to understand. how do i apprecite her caring while letting her know i can mangage this - it is my problem not hers.

i could not do this work in the past, though i have tried many times. it was too dangerous, too threatening. i am feeling the time is better now as i have been able to push past some fear to connect with some others that are safe to share with. they are also able to compassionately let me know their boundaries -- when my story may be triggering reactions in their story.

the other thing is giving back to my supporters, not just taking and taking for myself. this is so important in building healthy r/s. i am getting better at this too. this is a big vulnerability area.

seeking balance and cumulus - i am looking forward to liberation. sometimes the fear is comfortable in its familiarity. feeling the fear and pain and not running away from it - a learned process.

qcr

[Cumulus]

Hi qcr, it is the fear, I believe, that prevents us from being vulnerable. And I don't think it's misplaced fear, being vulnerable allows others access to ourselves that can be misused. I can't imagine anyone posting on this board that hasn't had that heart wrenching experience. What I came to understand for myself is that if I want to live a full  and rewarding life I have to take hold of the opportunities to allow others to know me and in turn to know them. Isn't that what we are all looking for in life? Deep loving connections to those people in our life that we care about. I am tired of living a life on the surface, I want those deep ties to my loved persons so badly that it is worth the fear of being hurt. And we will be hurt, we are human and have human emotions. But if those ties are deep enough and strong enough they will come with forgiveness.

So the question now becomes, who do I trust to allow the openness of vulnerability with. After the experience I had I know that I need to move very slowly, allowing a little and then a little more until I am at a place where I find comfort just being in the others presence. And as Brown noted what and how much we share or are vulnerable will change from person to person. Another book I read that helped me understand myself in relation to this concept was How People Grow by Cloud and Townsend.

Thank you for bringing this up, it has been and continues to be an important part of my recovering.

[qcarolr]

Cumulus,

This fear - the lack of being born resiliant. It seems part of the human condition to feel fear - it is what allows us to survive as humankind. Those that come into the world with the temperament to connect and the environment to nurture this connection -- do they have an easier ability to living in a more vulnerable state? If so, this really feels so unfair. When I get caught up in this sense of unfairness, then I get stuck in a 'pity-party' of one. If I am connected to others with this same emotion/mind-set then it can mushroom into a really big pity-party.

So finding connections with others that can nurture me in my struggles is so very important. My earliest memories are ones of standing alone in the world, even in the midst of a very loving, close family. It takes so very much energy for me to step out into face-to-face relationship. To do this from a place of honesty too.

How do you choose who you talk to in confidence?

qcr

[qcarolr]

Need to share this quote from Brene Brown's book "Gifts of Imperfection" before I lose my place. (reading a digital book is hard to turn the page on, even with the bookmarks. just learning) She is summarizing what she gleaned from research on common factors of resilient people and the 'protective factors' that build resilience:

1. They are resourceful and have good prolelm-solving skills.

2. They are more likely to seek help.

3. They hold the belief that they can do something that will help them to manage their feelings and to cope.

4. They have social support available to them.

5. They are connected with others, such as family and friend.s

... . I hoped the patterns that I observed in my research would lead to a very straightforward conclusion - resilience is a core component of Wholeheartedness... . But there was something more... . The stories had more in common than just resilience; all of these stories were about spirit... .



Spirituality is another topic, though a big part of success with learning how to become more resilient.

Of these, I think I have always had #1 and #2. Though in a very intellectual way, not from my heart. As I attempt to 'think from my heart' and allow myself to feel the pains and joys that live there, maybe I can learn the other three. It is not easy. This is where my fear lives.

Could the spirit part be what allows 'thinking from the heart'?

qcr