PTSD type reaction

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all have namechanged (since previous name might be recognisable to people who know me) but it's the same old story, dumped as 'friend' by BPD/NPD ex while suicidally depressed and pregnant, told on June 6 he would never speak to me again and ordered to 'find serenity and stop hating'. Found out was pregnant June 9; told him, no response at all; went through abortion on own on June 17. final message from him after I tried to call him that day (basically to cry down the phone) was 'you have damaged me deeply, my nights and days are filled with the terrible things you have said and done to me. Now you must stop it'. NC since then from him.

I was devastated and basically crazy. Was sending him angry, bitter, sad messages for weeks. Towards end was confessing to my own 'sins', apologising for them. I managed to stop on July 2 realising it was weird to be begging forgiveness from someone who had done what he has done to me. So I sent final message July 2 saying I still held him responsible for what he had done during the relationship, and in particular for ignoring the pregnancy and abortion which I felt was below human decency. Yeah I was still angry but I still believe that.


Anyway I think and my family and some friends think I have been/ am in PTSD mode. I've basically lost it. I always have problems and mood swings, especially during times of hormonal stress. But I've been waking up every hour in the night, particularly waking up unable to get back to sleep at 5 am with panic attacks. Have been regularly shaking, dissociating. Have spent entire days unable to do anything but ruminate obsessively- and I mean obsessively- on ex and whether it was all my fault, whether i should call him and beg forgiveness for sending angry texts and messages. My mum witnessed me in one of these states and was so worried she nearly had me committed! (This is a big thing as I'm frequently depressed. But she was scared).

I have been bleeding the entire month mostly. Obviously my body is suffering too.

I've been unable to leave the house or do basic tasks like housework. Mostly have been either in bed sometimes all day when I didn't have my kids to look after, or on the sofa obsessing over his facebook, youtube etc (all of which have very little info on them. I've since blocked them). Longing for him to message me yet knowing that deep down I don't like this person, he is not a decent person. Obsessing over the waste of 3 years of my life and what a hit person I must be, to have put up with all that, etc.

It has been truly horrible, I feel as if something big and hard squashed the breath and life out of me. The panic has been the worst.


Acting out too including one very ill advised drunken one night stand with much younger man which left me feeling even worse    as he sent some vile text the next day asking if he should be checked for diseases - wanker! There are many out there (he was more an NPD... . one night stand was entirely orchestrated by him though and I was in weak and pretty desperate state, I'll admit it).

It's like I have just lost the sense of myself as a person, someone with any worth. Like I accepted every horrible thing he ever told me and all the abuse he dealt out over 3 years. I think I had, in fact. this is someone who had abused me emotionally and financially and trampled over every boundary for 3 years but still I felt not good enough or strong enough to truly leave him. And I felt I needed him as a 'friend' despite the fact that his friendship was mostly financial abuse (I paid for all travel, food, etc) and sex.

The thing is I calmed down tonight. Have been in horrible hormonal turmoil for days, shaking, crying, obsessing.

He has gone. He was not good for me and in all likelihood not for anyone. My life was not a good one when he was in it. My attachment to him was not healthy.

I am ill. I need to heal. I dont' really know  where to start. But I did feel tonight, that I had let him go just a bit more. I hope this will last and that I can get better.

With thanks to all on this board, who have helped me so much when black agitated despair was engulfing me. Without it I might well have tried again, to take my own life. xxx

[delusionalxox]

Hi all have namechanged (since previous name might be recognisable to people who know me) but it's the same old story, dumped as 'friend' by BPD/NPD ex while suicidally depressed and pregnant, told on June 6 he would never speak to me again and ordered to 'find serenity and stop hating'. Found out was pregnant June 9; told him, no response at all; went through abortion on own on June 17. final message from him after I tried to call him that day (basically to cry down the phone) was 'you have damaged me deeply, my nights and days are filled with the terrible things you have said and done to me. Now you must stop it'. NC since then from him.

I was devastated and basically crazy. Was sending him angry, bitter, sad messages for weeks. Towards end was confessing to my own 'sins', apologising for them. I managed to stop on July 2 realising it was weird to be begging forgiveness from someone who had done what he has done to me. So I sent final message July 2 saying I still held him responsible for what he had done during the relationship, and in particular for ignoring the pregnancy and abortion which I felt was below human decency. Yeah I was still angry but I still believe that.


Anyway I think and my family and some friends think I have been/ am in PTSD mode. I've basically lost it. I always have problems and mood swings, especially during times of hormonal stress. But I've been waking up every hour in the night, particularly waking up unable to get back to sleep at 5 am with panic attacks. Have been regularly shaking, dissociating. Have spent entire days unable to do anything but ruminate obsessively- and I mean obsessively- on ex and whether it was all my fault, whether i should call him and beg forgiveness for sending angry texts and messages. My mum witnessed me in one of these states and was so worried she nearly had me committed! (This is a big thing as I'm frequently depressed. But she was scared).

I have been bleeding the entire month mostly. Obviously my body is suffering too.

I've been unable to leave the house or do basic tasks like housework. Mostly have been either in bed sometimes all day when I didn't have my kids to look after, or on the sofa obsessing over his facebook, youtube etc (all of which have very little info on them. I've since blocked them). Longing for him to message me yet knowing that deep down I don't like this person, he is not a decent person. Obsessing over the waste of 3 years of my life and what a hit person I must be, to have put up with all that, etc.

It has been truly horrible, I feel as if something big and hard squashed the breath and life out of me. The panic has been the worst.


Acting out too including one very ill advised drunken one night stand with much younger man which left me feeling even worse    as he sent some vile text the next day asking if he should be checked for diseases - wanker! There are many out there (he was more an NPD... . one night stand was entirely orchestrated by him though and I was in weak and pretty desperate state, I'll admit it).

It's like I have just lost the sense of myself as a person, someone with any worth. Like I accepted every horrible thing he ever told me and all the abuse he dealt out over 3 years. I think I had, in fact. this is someone who had abused me emotionally and financially and trampled over every boundary for 3 years but still I felt not good enough or strong enough to truly leave him. And I felt I needed him as a 'friend' despite the fact that his friendship was mostly financial abuse (I paid for all travel, food, etc) and sex.

The thing is I calmed down tonight. Have been in horrible hormonal turmoil for days, shaking, crying, obsessing.

He has gone. He was not good for me and in all likelihood not for anyone. My life was not a good one when he was in it. My attachment to him was not healthy.

I am ill. I need to heal. I dont' really know  where to start. But I did feel tonight, that I had let him go just a bit more. I hope this will last and that I can get better.

With thanks to all on this board, who have helped me so much when black agitated despair was engulfing me. Without it I might well have tried again, to take my own life. xxx

[papawapa]

I can totally relate. I have been messaging my ex for weeks now too. I can't get her off my mind. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. My physical symptoms have started to subside and I have been crying less. This is so hard.

Last Friday I thought I had finally gotten to the point that I was fully ready to detach. Then I found out she had a fight with the replacement. It threw me for a loop. I had hope that she would be ready to talk to me after that. She still won't. I am going away for the next five days and hopefully being away will help me to begin to detach.

[delusionalxox]

Hey papa.

I'm sorry to hear this. Been following your posts.

At least I don't have an ex who is hanging around in my life. He's gone, lives abroad. I think when he cut me off he split me totally black and meant it. Plus there would be a lot of guilt to face about leaving me pregnant, which he won't be able to face.

Everyone keeps telling me 3 months from last contact before it starts to feel manageable. I hope this is true for us.

xxx