Keep crossing paths - ouch

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was with this person for 2 and a half years. I still can’t get around how he could just turn his feelings for me off so quickly and simply. He showed adoration, looked at me with intensity often staring and said up until the very end that he loved me, would always be in my life, would never leave me, I was his dream girl, would always be there for support, would always there if I needed him or even just for a hug. He said our souls were entwined and our hearts loved each other at such a deep level. He said our love was intense and held him at the very depths of his soul. He said he had never loved another like the way that he loved me. He said that would always love me, eternally. And all this was said until the last day/night that I was with him. Then I found him with the new woman less than two days later and he asked me to leave and said he was calling the police. That was 10 weeks ago tomorrow. And I am still thinking of him and held in the pain more than I would like. I can’t understand that he too doesn’t think of me and has just dropped our love simply like that – even if he is with someone else. Doesn’t he think of me anymore?

I stopped posting on this site about a month ago. I couldn’t bring myself to post as I was extremely traumatised. So I started to try and focus on all the tips people gave me and read some great self-help stuff and tried to focus elsewhere. However, this relationship has had more of a grip on me than any before in my life and I still struggle each and every day. When at home and I hear a noise, I still think it is him (as he turned up at home unannounced regularly), I still accidently check my phone every morning for my morning text that he would leave me when we were not together overnight.

BUT THE WORST thing is that he lives around the corner and as a consequence, I keep crossing paths with him, and more disturblingly, him WITH HER.   They are always together or I see her driving along the main road to his place or driving away from his place. It seems every few days, I just happen to be on the road at the same time – annoyingly. And then the week before last I had a traumatic day of crossing paths three times in close distance with them. I was helping my friend who broke her wrist in the local shopping area. We crossed paths with them lunching (and he escorted her quickly away like “quick, let’s get away from the crazy woman”, then again after lunch and lastly in the grocery shop where I stayed as far away as possible yet still helping the friend. The ‘new woman’ was unpacking their groceries onto the conveyor belt, he was standing there trying to look at me inconspicuously.  He paid at the teller and she packed the groceries into the trolley and wheeled it off after checking me out a bit. (Interestingly, he always unpacked the trolley for me and packed it back up at the teller. He would always say “Let me do it”. He didn’t seem to be helping her at all.) He lingered. I just shook my head at him. He walked off and then walked back and spoke to the teller while looking at me. I shook my head again. He walked off. When we were going through the checkout I was by then traumatised and shaking so much that I announced to the teller that she has just served by boyfriend who cheated on me with the woman he was with. She said “oh that is why he came back! I was wondering because it was weird as he had no reason to and really didn’t say much” (referring to him going back to talk with her when he was looking at me down the aisle). She added that he had definitely downgraded. My friend agreed with this and I must say I know this to be true too. Not to be egotistical. She is plain, with average body and older. I have been told I am good looking and I have a fit body. HE is very fit himself and always admiring beauty, so it surprised me that he has chosen her. However, she seems readily available to him all times of the day, doesn’t have young children to distract her from him, doesn’t seem to have a job etc and probably makes up for the looks in other areas. Interesting, it was obvious from their interaction that he is dominant. He had trouble with being dominant with me. Maybe she attends to his needs more than I could.

I ran into his parents last week and that was difficult. His mum always talked with me in the past, even if we were on a break. She would phone me as well. His father only said hello and kept walking and she talked but probably felt like she needed to keep walking too. They wouldn’t accept my help with their packages (They are elderly and frail.) Anyway, it was also confronting and traumatic.

And then the texts. He sent nearly a month ago saying “Forget me, I am not worth it. Xo x 100000” and then last Wednesday (a week after the shopping experience) he sent: “True happiness and contentment to (my daughter) and yourself as you both embrace the future with confidence. Xo x 100000”. I mean, why bother.

Anyway, I am still struggling. And how are you supposed to go no contact when continually cross paths with them? Any reflections/comments appreciated.  

[learningtowalkagain1]

I was with this person for 2 and a half years. I still can’t get around how he could just turn his feelings for me off so quickly and simply. He showed adoration, looked at me with intensity often staring and said up until the very end that he loved me, would always be in my life, would never leave me, I was his dream girl, would always be there for support, would always there if I needed him or even just for a hug. He said our souls were entwined and our hearts loved each other at such a deep level. He said our love was intense and held him at the very depths of his soul. He said he had never loved another like the way that he loved me. He said that would always love me, eternally. And all this was said until the last day/night that I was with him. Then I found him with the new woman less than two days later and he asked me to leave and said he was calling the police. That was 10 weeks ago tomorrow. And I am still thinking of him and held in the pain more than I would like. I can’t understand that he too doesn’t think of me and has just dropped our love simply like that – even if he is with someone else. Doesn’t he think of me anymore?

I stopped posting on this site about a month ago. I couldn’t bring myself to post as I was extremely traumatised. So I started to try and focus on all the tips people gave me and read some great self-help stuff and tried to focus elsewhere. However, this relationship has had more of a grip on me than any before in my life and I still struggle each and every day. When at home and I hear a noise, I still think it is him (as he turned up at home unannounced regularly), I still accidently check my phone every morning for my morning text that he would leave me when we were not together overnight.

BUT THE WORST thing is that he lives around the corner and as a consequence, I keep crossing paths with him, and more disturblingly, him WITH HER.   They are always together or I see her driving along the main road to his place or driving away from his place. It seems every few days, I just happen to be on the road at the same time – annoyingly. And then the week before last I had a traumatic day of crossing paths three times in close distance with them. I was helping my friend who broke her wrist in the local shopping area. We crossed paths with them lunching (and he escorted her quickly away like “quick, let’s get away from the crazy woman”, then again after lunch and lastly in the grocery shop where I stayed as far away as possible yet still helping the friend. The ‘new woman’ was unpacking their groceries onto the conveyor belt, he was standing there trying to look at me inconspicuously.  He paid at the teller and she packed the groceries into the trolley and wheeled it off after checking me out a bit. (Interestingly, he always unpacked the trolley for me and packed it back up at the teller. He would always say “Let me do it”. He didn’t seem to be helping her at all.) He lingered. I just shook my head at him. He walked off and then walked back and spoke to the teller while looking at me. I shook my head again. He walked off. When we were going through the checkout I was by then traumatised and shaking so much that I announced to the teller that she has just served by boyfriend who cheated on me with the woman he was with. She said “oh that is why he came back! I was wondering because it was weird as he had no reason to and really didn’t say much” (referring to him going back to talk with her when he was looking at me down the aisle). She added that he had definitely downgraded. My friend agreed with this and I must say I know this to be true too. Not to be egotistical. She is plain, with average body and older. I have been told I am good looking and I have a fit body. HE is very fit himself and always admiring beauty, so it surprised me that he has chosen her. However, she seems readily available to him all times of the day, doesn’t have young children to distract her from him, doesn’t seem to have a job etc and probably makes up for the looks in other areas. Interesting, it was obvious from their interaction that he is dominant. He had trouble with being dominant with me. Maybe she attends to his needs more than I could.

I ran into his parents last week and that was difficult. His mum always talked with me in the past, even if we were on a break. She would phone me as well. His father only said hello and kept walking and she talked but probably felt like she needed to keep walking too. They wouldn’t accept my help with their packages (They are elderly and frail.) Anyway, it was also confronting and traumatic.

And then the texts. He sent nearly a month ago saying “Forget me, I am not worth it. Xo x 100000” and then last Wednesday (a week after the shopping experience) he sent: “True happiness and contentment to (my daughter) and yourself as you both embrace the future with confidence. Xo x 100000”. I mean, why bother.

Anyway, I am still struggling. And how are you supposed to go no contact when continually cross paths with them? Any reflections/comments appreciated.  

[Octoberfest]

These thoughts may be totally off the mark, as I think they are as much as for me as they are for you, but if they are helpful to you, then awesome!

I was thinking about the same thing today... . I am going to be back in my college town tomorrow and friday for a street music festival type deal.  My BPDEx works at a bar right on that street.  Those nights are the bars busiest, so she will be working.  I am not 21 and can't even go into the bars, so there really isn't a danger in us crossing paths.  That doesn't stop me from fearing it in a way. I don't think it'll stop me from constantly scanning the crowd for her, like she is some evil terminator in disguise that is after me  .

A thought that I am sure someone on this board gave me; these people (and really, anyone in our lives) only have as much importance and as much impact as we give them space in our heads.  If they are our every thought, any little thing concerning them will drive us crazy.  We will ask 100 questions about the smallest interaction, trying to decipher the OBVIOUS hidden intent and meaning behind it, when in fact we are probably creating things and making ourselves feel bad about stuff that was never there in the first place.  Just looking at your post, you have done that with the shopping experience.  Analyzing the new woman, comparing your strengths and weaknesses to hers, how your BPDex interacts with them to how he did with you.

I am NOT saying that this stuff is not natural.  It is VERY natural.  I do it all the time with my BPDex.  It is really kind of infuriating.  The kind of thing that brings you to tears of frustration, because you can recognize what you are doing, that it is hurting you, but you can't quite stop yourself from doing it.

Something that is really pretty basic, but for me has been kind of profound to think about, is that after we breakup with our BPDex's, they continue living their lives just like we live ours.  And to add on that, they had lives before we met them, just like we had lives.  Me personally, I feel really pretty disconnected from the past.  I graduated high school 2 years ago, but it feels like another life time.  I roadtripped to Colorado and ran an 11.5 mile obstacle course 1 month ago today, and it feels like another life time.  This trait of mine did not stop me from reliving betrayals and injustices brought on me by my BPDex months after the fact, which if anything just serves as a testament to how deep those emotions run.  My point with this is that I think we sometimes expect that after we break up with these people they are supposed to just POOF, vanish.  I just had this thought as I am typing this, but maybe we expect that because our BPDex as WE KNEW them, DID go POOF and disappear.  I have not lost a close family member, but I did lose a fairly close friend last summer... . and honestly, the loss I have felt with the end of my relationship with my BPDex feels much the same.  I have been in contact with her recently (Today), and I don't feel as though I am talking to the same person at all.  The BPDex that I knew, that I loved so, is dead.

I think that that may be part of the reason I continue talking to her... . I am searching for hope that the BPDex that I knew is still alive, still in there.  It is a fruitless search, one that is draining the life from me.  I suspect it may be doing the same for many others who are still in contact with their BPDex's when they have the option to not be, but continue to be.

We need to remind ourselves that WE LIVE OUR LIVES FOR US.  I know that I have lived mine for my BPDex for far too long.  And by continuing to rent her headspace and wonder how she is, what she is up to, etc, I am continuing to live my life for her.  It has been the most infuriating thing... . for 19.5 years before I met my BPDex, I was responsible and in control of my own happiness.  And in the span of 9 months I not only handed over control to someone else, but I utterly and totally forgot how to retake and handle control of my happiness when that relationship failed.  With no one driving (or perhaps more astutely, with my BPDex still driving), my happiness has plunged into the ground and is scraping along in the gravel and dirt.  I need to figure out how to pull up and retake control.

When you see your BPDex out, with or without their new squeeze, imagine what you would think looking at them if they were two TOTALLY RANDOM people.  If they were just two random people you walked past in the supermarket.  I notice plenty of things about people.  Maybe one guy stands out to me because his mustache is funny.  Another woman is incredibly overweight.  Yet another has an incredible ass. That guy just picked his nose.  You get the point.  At this point in your life, if you are set on moving forward and do not want to recycle your BPDex, THAT IS ALL THEY ARE IN YOUR WORLD.  Another fat/skinny/muscular/average person who look normal/have a big nose/have funky ears/a gap in their teeth and who you will most likely totally forget within the next 24 hours.

I have kept talking to my BPDex like I have said, in search of that person that I loved, or for some hint of closure, for them to stand up and take responsibility and say "YUP! it was me! not you! I am the cause of all of your pain! Me!". I think I keep hoping that if I keep talking to her something is going to change, something magical will happen and all of a sudden things won't be what they are.  That isn't going to happen. It's US who get to decide when enough is enough.



I hope some of this, any of this helped you, even slightly.  One of the wonders of this board is that in trying to address others problems, concerns, insecurities, anguish, and pain, we often end up tending our own wounds as well.


Strength to you.  And peace.

[Peabody]

Octoberfest, you are so dead on with a lot of those points and I feel as a lot of people on this forum will directly relate with a majority of what you said. We must keep in mind that WE as ourselves have our own perception, our exwBPD also have a perception, and so does everybody else in life. Do you know what this means? This means that there is a HUGE margin of assumptions being made and anxieties are created over things that are not even happening! We must keep in mind that our lost loved ones think in their own matter and that the choice to take the initiate and be a genuine person is in their hands. Octoberfest, I really like that you took some of the concepts i've told you and applied them in your way as this shows me that you are not only talking to me about what you want to do, but you are actually BELIEVING it and that truly makes me happy. Believing that we can heal, be better people, and still give unconditional love to our exwBPD without them in our contact is the biggest step we can all truly make. I know, I know, detachment is hard and life is so hard without that persons presence but we must choose to go to rehabilitation and get unhooked off this "drug" we call our exwBPD.

Learningtowalkagain, our ex's tell us a lot of things when they are with us that we have never heard before. They come up with things to say to us that wrap us in closer to them, make us believe we will be in our "honeymoon" period forever, and construe things to make us actually believe it. One thing I have learned from BPD's is that they tend to be highly spontaneous and selfish when it comes to getting what they want, the compassion and notice of others isn't really a factor when it comes down to that. There is just absolutely no control. I compared myself to the dude my exwBPD cheated on me with (also who I punched in the face), who was indeed a chump, douchebag, and drunken fool who my exwBPD would agree with me on. This did not stop her from giving up her love for what called a "lustful connection". I was traumatized and she still runs through my mind every hour or so, or as a conversation topic but I always end up reminding myself of how far I have come with my no contact and detachment and the love that you are sending to them eventually returns back to you. You start waking up in the morning to do what YOU do again and taking in the morning sunlight, you start remembering how good food tastes, you start remembering all the fun you can have being you and loving yourself. In reality, we all die alone and all we have in the end is ourselves, if we rely on support (not from our exwBPD) within ourselves than that is when we can truly be happy. I wouldn't worry learningtowalkagain, take this opportunity to remember your ambitions and WHO YOU ARE as we all get lost in the fog - coming out of the fog will be the new best thing right up to meeting your ex.

I have established no contact for almost a month now with my exwBPD. She has been forcing herself into my life the last few weeks and it's easy my friend, don't mind them. Next time you make an encounter, do not make any eye contact or pay any attention to him or the new shoobie - just go about what you are doing and put a smile on your face. BPD's tend to feed on our reaction, the more you give in to him the more hes fulfilled. After about 3 weeks of no contact, my exwBPD showed up at my live show the other night and came up on stage and stood there and STARED at me until I diverted my attention to her. BPD's cannot stand when you do not give in and feed them, the more you reply and pay attention to them the more you take away from yourself and the more they drain to feel good about themselves. Remember, lifes too short to be worrying about one person. Let's just keep swimming and see what happens, you never know what life will throw at you. Just take it in and follow your heart - you'll come out of the fog and know what to do then. 

[Bananas]

Very good advice!  I run in to my ex all the time at work.  As time goes by it does get easier to think of them as random people.  For a long time I too kept wishing I would see that old person.  Like he would stop me in the hall someday and say something meaningful.  Today as he passed me he said "sup".  It was almost funny.  Like that's all you can come up with today?... . "sup".  I don't even know how to answer that.  I just kept walking. 

[Conundrum]

My exSO of 7 years recently moved two short streets down from me in our neighborhood. I thought it was kind of funny. Like if she needs a power tool, or I require a button sewn on we can help each other. Shortly after, on a Saturday night we found ourselves inebriated singing karaoke on my xbox 360. She was dancing kind of sexy, and it was good fun. She passed out halfway getting into her Pj's so I had to dress her, like she was one of my kids. I slept on the couch. I had to ask her to leave early the next morning, because I had to get to work. It was fun, but having realistic expectations is a condition precedent to enjoying these types of encounters. I wouldn't be inviting the guy she's "seeing" over too though.