Remind me I'm not the crazy one?

[Befuddled 7x70]

Help!  I have a uBPD/NPD Mother with a severely Schzoid en-Dad and a NPD en-bro.  I went six months without talking/seeing my parents and then Mother showed up at my door after doing a drive by stalking.  I took on the Medium Chill and allowed her to stay for a while to see the kids and our new house.  I hadn't established boundaries or even really told her why I didn't want to talk anymore so I didn't know how to handle it.  She asked if we could "be okay" and I said "we'd see".  I talked to her on the phone and set up a time for my en-Dad and her to come by and see the kids.  When they came it was like a flashback to my childhood where the adults sat around talking boring crap and the kids kicked their feet and were extremely bored.  It was obvious en-Dad was seething with anger at me (most likely because I haven't kept Mother happy).  It was also obvious that Mother was not there for the kids but had plans to corner me alone so we could "talk about things". Yea, like I missed the first 38 years - being alone with her is worse than a root canal without pain killers.  I politely declined and said I wasn't ready to talk about it.

So, a week later she calls for my son's birthday but had designs for getting me on the phone to "talk about things".  I thought I'd see where it went and how I'd handle it.  I was relieved to be able to identify all the guilt and manipulation tactics strewn with condescending "I don't know if you know this. . ."  "I did study counseling for five years so. . . "  It is amazing how easily she slips into "your only 12-I have to teach you" voice.  The worse part of it is that after I firmly told her my boundaries and that she could not see the kids alone, she cried, I hung up, I felt like that 12 year old.  When she called two days later I couldn't even pick up the phone.  I actually hid in the closet to avoid the call. . .

Then, yesterday I e-mailed en-Bro because I hadn't spoken to him in 6 months either (by his design).  He had posted a few things on Facebook that were nice about my kids.  I was angry.  He had chewed me out at Christmas for not letting my parents see my kids and then stopped talking to me but here he is posting nice comments on Facebook.  In the meantime my paternal grandfather had died and he didn't bother to tell me, knowing full well my parents would not tell me (or anyone else for that matter.)

My e-mail consisted of 1) I'd like to have a relationship 2) Not interested in your opinion of my relationship with the parents 3) It was wrong not to tell me about Gpa dying.  His e-mail consisted of bashing me and telling me that anything between me and Mother was none of his business, that he had no interest in spending time with my husband or children but if I wanted to spend time with him I would have to GROW UP and stop playing games and keep him out of the crap between Mother and me.  He said he never even considered telling me about Gpa. . . not his business, I should have asked how Gpa was doing.  (He was 95 and in a nursing care facility with dementia - no reason to think he was dying other than old age.)

The crazy thing is that he actually wrote the words "Now listen to me. . . "  I remember my Mother saying that repeatedly. . . "Now listen to me, Young Lady!"  Again, my 3 year older en-Bro took that stance that I was a kid who needed to be reminded how to act and that I was just playing games and being immature.  I didn't realize contacting my en-Bro while having a "fight" with my Mother constituted immaturity or that my being angry that he didn't tell me my last remaining grandparent died when he was the only one who I hadn't blocked was the act of a child.  I'm 38 years old!  When do I get to be an adult in their eyes?

So, the craziness I'm feeling. . . the shamed feeling for not being a "good" girl. . . is SO wrong and SO OZ that my mind tells me they are the ones with the problem.  But, I can't stop that sinking feeling in my chest that I'm the crazy one for wanting to never speak to the three of them ever again.  I want to run and hide and stay away from the nut-bunch but in my subconscious I worry that it is wrong.  Am I feeling that way because I've been programmed to want to please them all and do what they say or is it really selfish to write the "divorce" letter and cut them completely off from my children and myself because they cannot treat me with respect?  I'm I really just being a 12 year old for wanting to hide from them or is it the act of an adult protecting themself?

PLEASE!  Remind me that I am not "bad" because I'm not obeying but that they just feel more comfortable with me in the scapegoat role and the "make Mother happy regardless of the cost to you" role. . . . I need the cross that line in my own mind that it is okay NOT to do what they want. . . .

Thank you!

[XL]

You're not crazy. Even the showing up unannounced is out of line, if you ask me. And the repeated attempts to pull you aside to "talk about things" is just an attempt to stir up more drama.

My parents were both pretty crazy, but I feel like our relationship with most grandparents was textbook normal. And we never saw them alone. They never just showed up by themselves, or sent mail other than a birthday card. She's trying to get at the kids as a way to get at you. If you feel like the kids need/want contact you should only allow public meetings now at a location where fighting would be weird. Like at a pizza place or something.


The sibling might have a point about stirring up drama though. In families like this, it's important to vent to outside sources when you need support. Otherwise things get pulled into one of those drama triangles, and it usually ends up with the craziest person winning. I've had a few cases where I've turned to enmeshed siblings for backup, and they got involved only to end up siding with uBPDmom. However, his next statement about not wanting to spend time with the rest of your family is troubling. That doesn't sit right with me. And the thing with the grandfather is just awful.

You might want to seriously lower your expectations of the relationships your family is capable of providing. They all sound pretty screwed up.

[BlueCat]

 

If you're crazy then I am. Your brother's email sounds similar to the one my sister sent me and to some things my extended family said to me too (grow up, not wanting to get involved).

It's not you, it's them. And sure, you may have some things you need to work on for yourself (only you can say) but your family is not healthy or supportive and recognizing that is a big step and will help you to find peace.

hang in there! 

[Befuddled 7x70]

Thank you XL and BlueCat.     I appreciate your encouragement.  I just hate, at my age, to feel like I'm 5 again getting punished for doing something stupid.  It really makes me question who I am and what I have to offer.   :'(

It is so helpful to have this board and the books on BPD to remind people just how like OZ BPD people really are and how totally un-reality based their behaviors and opinions are.  It is just TERRIBLE that so many family members get sucked in and can't see the truth to it.



Blessings,

Befuddled

[P.F.Change]

PLEASE!  Remind me that I am not "bad" because I'm not obeying but that they just feel more comfortable with me in the scapegoat role and the "make Mother happy regardless of the cost to you" role. . . . I need the cross that line in my own mind that it is okay NOT to do what they want. . . .

I think you said it best. ^^^

You have been assigned a role. It upsets the already unstable dynamic that you are refusing to play it. Now someone else is going to have to fill in (probably golden bro or endad! egads!). Of course, they will do whatever it takes to bring you back in line, so that they can go about believing their family is wonderful and happy. The illusion is worth protecting more than the actual people. Otherwise, more work for them. What you are going through is very common for people who step out of dramatic and dysfunctional family patterns. It is not fair, and it does not mean you are doing anything wrong.

I want to run and hide and stay away from the nut-bunch but in my subconscious I worry that it is wrong.

Your mind and body are telling you, "THESE PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS! GET AWAY--GET FAR, FAR AWAY!" These messages are there for a reason, and the reason is not that you're nuts. It is because--get this--your FOO are abusive, manipulative, and dangerous. Your perceptions of reality are not wrong. You know they do damage to you, and you know you need to take care of yourself. However, you have learned to shove those instincts aside, to pretend they are wrong and that your FOO's perceptions of your needs are right. You learned this because you needed to survive. As a child, your parents are the ones who controlled whether you lived or died. They fed you, sheltered you, etc. You had to please them in order to live. They are the ones who were supposed to meet your very basic needs for love and approval, and you did what you had to do to try to win those things. You have had years of practice at denying your own needs and feelings, so that it feels like what you "should" be doing.

It sounds to me like you have some old traumas that are being re-triggered by current events. You know you are no longer 5 or 12 (and, BTW, I don't think those ages have been randomly pulled out of a hat--I bet there is something significant that happened to you at those ages and you can still remember what it felt like even if you don't remember the event). It sounds like you felt helpless and trapped and afraid. Now you are grown, and you can take care of little you... . you can meet that child's needs in a way your parents overtly failed to do. You can listen to yourself, protect yourself, love yourself.  What does the 5- or 12-year-old you need?

I bet it feels weird to have your barely-older brother speaking to you as if he were your parent. That would make me angry, too. There may be steps in between doing/saying nothing about it and going completely NC with him, though. I do not know his personality or your history with him, so you need to do what you think is best. Have you considered, though, confronting him about how those words made you feel? Sometimes a "When you hit__, I feel hit__," statement can be useful. There are also good validation tools here that might help you communicate that you do not wish to be spoken to with that tone. However, some people just aren't safe to share any feelings with, and sometimes they aren't willing to try to resolve issues in a mature way. You will know better than I do whether it is worth trying.

Your FOO does not get to decide who you are. That is up to you. Do you have a T right now to help you decide which direction you want to go with your FOO?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[tryintogetby]

You. Are. Not. Crazy. 

And yes, it's ok to ask that over and over again. 

By the screenname you chose, I'm assuming they also put some serious Christian guilt on you.  (been there, done that) It still doesn't mean you're crazy.  Or in the wrong.   

[Befuddled 7x70]

Been off for a while. . . but PF Change - that was awesome advice.  I really appreciate the point that I need to take care of that little girl.  I think that was also triggered by my brother.  He used to dominate and torture me as a child and I always felt entirely helpless - and nada seemed to never really notice.  He isn't a bad guy, but he is fully emmeshed so NC with the entire FOO may be the only way for me to heal.  I don't have a therapist right now, but want to find one.  The one I had before was not very helpful and didn't really get my situation because she was a mother of a BPD child who had a ton of other problems so her view was different.

tryingtogetby - thank you!  Yes, there is a LOT of Christian guilt from nada about honoring my mother and father.  I believe I have worked past that because I have not said or done anything I'm ashamed of, I simply stopped talking to them and won't see them.  I have not behaved badly or exploded and said hurtful things. . . the only way to honor them is to avoid them like the plague because right now I feel so much anger toward them that if I saw them I would struggle not to get violent.  I don't want to give her the satisfaction and I don't want my children to see me out of control when I'm trying to teach them to be kind to each other.  Love is a choice not a feeling, thank God!

Being a KO and the parent of 3 kids - two of which share personality types with my parents - is unbelievably difficult.  Parenting is hard enough but keeping your cool and loving your kids for who they are when they exhibit character qualities of the only two people you despise in the world is not fair to them.  (They don't have PDs - Just the Enneagram Personality Typing)  The only thing I can say is at least I don't have BPD so I am able to validate them, listen and not rage in their faces. . .  :'(

[yamada]

How can you be crazy when you have identified so many of the tricks and games they play. Well done