Lack of object consistency but she still has photos and talks to family

[Deleted]

I've read numerous sites that state BPDs lack object consistency, out of sight out of mind. In my case, my BPDex still makes small talk with my family (they were never close), still has several hundred photos of us, has my family on all social platforms even months after we broke up. It bothers me, What's the deal? Has anyone experienced this? I don't know if these are just small hooks she has left just to at least keep my memory alive or see what I'm up to. I've left her and never contacted her again, what a BPD fears the most, rejection.

It bothers me that she has these photos of us, that she still has my family on social platforms she even went as far as adding my family months after we broke up. I've gone NC for more than a year. Has anyone experienced this? I'm going to see my family tomorrow and they don't have a clue as to what happened, I don't want my family to talk about her in front of me despite my "I don't want to talk about it" they still bring her up whenever I see them since she's extremely active on social networks. I'm healing but I truly just don't want to hear anything whatsoever.

[Clearmind]

Deleted - folks break up all the time - photos remain on Facebook etc - these feelings are a normal part of the relationship break up.

You may feel jilted however this has nothing to do with object constancy - BPD is a shame based disorder - she is saving face because she lives in shame.  She is self conscious and maintaining contact/tight hold on photos and family members translates to "This will all be OK becaus I still have some connection to Deleted's Family - it makes me feel good and that I am not to blame. They must not hate me".

Photos and contact is evidence to her that she is not shamed by others. Make sense?

You want to heal Deleted however you are so concerned about what she is doing? When you think about her, try as hard as you can to turn the focus on you. Being hyper foccussed on detail will not help you detach, it will keep you attached, albiet angry.

[Deleted]

Clear mind,

I never thought about it that way. I never viewed it as "if I  try my luck adding his family on social platforms, if they accept they still like me" perhaps it's some sort of validation.

Since she seeks I guess validation that its not "her fault" and she's saving face, do you think she recognizes what she has done? It pain she had caused?

She also keeps 200+ photos of us kissing, cuddling, holidays to just show others and herself that she's capable of being loved? Is this correct?

I've just gone NC for more than a year. I haven't seen a photo of her or anything I guess hearing anything about her would bother me. I haven't touched that nerve yet. I'm just beginning to focus on ME and why I stayed. I never really gave any thought about what I would do if people talk about her or if I ever see her.

Thank you for post, always a pleasure reading!

[Clearmind]

She hurts too much to see the pain she caused. My ex certainly recognized the pattern of relationships and completely blamed himself - it didn't take long for him to relinquish those feelings and then blame me. He had no clue he was blaming - there really was a complete disconnect between cause and effect - much like a 3 year olds emotions.

She keeps photos because its a choice. I boxed all mine and put them away - it was a choice. Every action of a Borderline does not lead to something meaningful Deleted. I can see how tempting it is to seek answers with every piece you pick apart however it doesn't work like that. Yes she is Borderline however she is also a person.

[Deleted]

Clearmind thanks again and sorry to bother you with such banal questions.

My BPD also knew her pattern of behaviors but never took blame for it, at best she mitigated her actions but alway ended up projecting the blame onto me.

"Every actio of a BPD doesn't lead to something meaningful" clear mind your right. I still (idiotically) think there must be at least some sort of meaning even if its minute. Id love to think she keeps my family, the photos, Clothing etc. to miss me, at least i meant something, thats wishful thinking. at the end of the day whats done is done and her missing me or not wouldnt do anything really. The ending and the NC leaves the relationship, our efforts, feelings, and our minds with such ambiguity, It leaves us with no clue, nothing but a broken heart. At least I know now a good reason why I stayed. It also provided me wth a template of what not want in a relationship.  But thank you clear mind!