First post

[cookiekate]

Hi all,

This is my first post on this particular message board.  I am slowly getting the hang of things, but I'm sure it takes me way longer to find my posts & replies.   Nevertheless I shall persevere.

I'm not sure how much to say as I don't want to repeat things I've said on my original post in the new person board (if that makes sense).

I am the mother of an adult daughter who has been 'loosely' diagnosed with BPD.  I also see other issues in her behaviour (anxiety, depression, bi-polar, asbergers and even ADHD).    

A recent event has prompted her to seek help, but I doubt she will totally follow through.   I lent her my car and she wrote it off which has left her feeling quite ashamed & sorry.   So (more to please me I think), she went to her GP (who said it was anxiety and prescribed an anti-depressant), but the GP suggested she see a therapist at our local University (an intern studying - as they are cheap).  My daughter is on a disability support pension, and sometimes works for short periods, but can't seem to maintain a job.    

I doubt she is taking her medication, and I also think by the time her appointment comes up, she won't think she needs to go (as the memory of the crash & everything going on in her life at that time will have faded).  

I feel somewhat disappointed about that - because as a mum, I just want my daughter to be happy in life and feel useful.   Sleeping, watching movies, living off benefits and smoking weed (and goodness knows what else), isn't the life I would have hoped for her.  

I have good support, am involved in 12 step groups and yet I still get emotionally tossed around by my daughter.   I feel guilty all the time and want to rescue and fix things.  She underfunctions so I overfunction.   It's deep patterns (I used to do it with my mum as well).  

But I'm tired and I want some peace in my life.

Looking forward to hearing more of everyone's stories and helpful hints.   It's good that I have established this contact, so when I have a particular interaction, I can debrief here.

Warm regards

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Hi cookiekate:  Welcome.  So much to deal with and sad for all of us to watch our children function they way that they do.   I also overfunction to compensate for my DD18's underfunctioning, sometimes to the point of exhausting myself. I am trying to work on this.  It was so timely to read your post this morning as last night I was so exhausted from overfunctioning that all I could do is lie in my bed and cry.  

I am glad you have such good support.  That is so important.  I am working on finding support for myself as I have very little support in my life.  Glad you found us and we can learn and lean on each other.

Griz

[Fay]

Hi cookiekate,

Welcome to the board,  I am new too.  It is a nice place to come and write. Those that can relate or have something to say are brilliant.  I like the way you put that "overfunction"  I catch myself doing that from time to time.  I learned by doing everything for her was not helping herl.  I had to pull away.  It has been tough, the years without my dd.  Now, she wants me back to have a woman to woman relationship.  I have not had to deal with BPD for about 13 years.  Oh off and on she would call just to get angry at the way I breathe and hung up.  It sent me into tears and silent screams of "What did I do that she is so angry at me?"  I still don't know.  

She will be coming to live with me for a few months.  I am scared... . she can be so mean.  So, you see me around here screaming my head off.  well maybe?  Who knows.  

we are doing the best we can,

Fay

[exrookie]

She underfunctions so I overfunction.  

THIS. Thanks for putting into four words what my life as a mother (and I am sure many mothers here) of a 23 year old daughter w/ BPD seems to be. Something I am working hard on changing because overfunctioning seems to only be enabling, and truly doesn't change anything. I have only posted a few times here and haven't done my introduction letter yet, mostly because it would be a novel. I don't know how to write it in anything less than a novel, but those four words sum it up pretty good.

I read these boards only occasionally (between my daughter w/ BPD, my elderly MIL who I help take care of, my other adult children, my husband, and work I don't have much "me" time) and sometimes I can only nod my head because I'm like "Yeah, that's my daughter" and "yeah, that's my life" and sometimes I have to click it off because reading it is like reliving my life, you know?

[vivekananda]

Hi to you newbies, especially cookiekate,

It is so hurtful and exhausting being the mum of a 'child' with BPD, especially if they are living at home.

I just wanted to make sure you knew about this little piece of helpful info.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

let me know if it helps, ok?

thinking of you all,

Vivek