Validating a BPs feelings

[Sin_M]

Should the BP's feelings be validated if they are about something that never even happened? It is so hard to try and validate them without them thinking you are AGREEING, so when they are screaming or sobbing out their rage that you are cheating on them or something that never occurred, should this be acknowledged? Validating them by saying, "I understand you feel angry but that never happened" seems kind of pointless and any other way of saying it seems like it would only reinforce the idea that it's true. Even "I understand you're saying this because you're afraid of losing me" only results in, "Yes, of course I'm afraid of losing you because you're cheating on me!" There is no way to get away from it.

How to validate JUST the feelings without validating the thing they are upset about when it is not something that happened or has been extremely misperceived/blown out of proportion?

[MSE1081]

I agree... . it is hard to validate the feelings without them thinking you are agreeing with them. Last night my H asked me to pick him up a sandwich from Burger King... . I did and when I got home, I realized that it wasn't made right. He blamed me for it and then went into this whole semi-rage about how this is proof that I'm not putting effort into our relationship that if I really loved him the way I say I do, I wouldn't mess up on the little things. I understood he was upset about the sandwich... . and I get that. However, I didn't validate his feelings because when I do, he takes it as though I am agreeing with him 100%... . so last night I just stayed quiet.

I need help with this too... .

[Sin_M]

Yep. It's all well and good for the textbooks and therapists to tell you that validation does not = agreeing and WE know that but when the BP doesn't understand that, what good does it do?

[MSE1081]

I often find that when I do validate his feelings... . not only does he think I am agreeing with him, he also views it as though I am "down playing" - (his words) the situation or how he feels. Its very frustrating.

[briefcase]

 

Validaton of emotions is a bit of an art and takes some practice.  

"I understand you feel angry but that never happened" seems kind of pointless and any other way of saying it seems like it would only reinforce the idea that it's true. Even "I understand you're saying this because you're afraid of losing me"

This stuff takes some time to fully grasp, so don't worry.  If you look carefully at your examples above, neither one is really validation.  In fact, both statements are actually invalidating.

The first one is argumentative (bascially telling him: "I understand, but your wrong".  The second one is better but basically still telling him he's wrong and subtly suggests his fear is unfounded ("You're only saying this because you are [unjustifiably] afraid".  

We try to avoid JADE when we validate - Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining.

We don't validate facts or "facts" that we disgree with, but we also don't challenge them when we are trying to validate (we can do that later and with other tools).

Validation is simply hearing and acknoweledging that we hear the emotions of another person.  Something as simple as "you sound upset" or "you look tired."

It's not necessary to say you "understand" anything at all about the emotion you are hearing.  In fact, I rarely use the "I understand you feel . . . ." formula at all.  

Take a look at our workshop on validation, and make sure you watch the Fruzetti video:

TOOLS:  Validation - Tools and Techniques

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

Also, a great place to start is with our Lessons.  Have you had a chance to read them?



 

[bruceli]

I agree... . it is hard to validate the feelings without them thinking you are agreeing with them. Last night my H asked me to pick him up a sandwich from Burger King... . I did and when I got home, I realized that it wasn't made right. He blamed me for it and then went into this whole semi-rage about how this is proof that I'm not putting effort into our relationship that if I really loved him the way I say I do, I wouldn't mess up on the little things. I understood he was upset about the sandwich... . and I get that. However, I didn't validate his feelings because when I do, he takes it as though I am agreeing with him 100%... . so last night I just stayed quiet.

I need help with this too... .

OK... . so before you leave Burger King you are supposed to un-wrap the burger to make sure it is to his liking?  And... . if your your PDh is like my PDw... . you would get... . "why did you touch my food... . you know I don't like people touching my stuff"... .   Am I right?

[DrNoClue]

Thank you Briefcase!  Every day that I come to this site I grow.

[Sin_M]

@Briefcase: No, but I'll take a look. I have been reading up on it for 5 years though. JADE and SET and DEAR MAN, active listening. None of it seems to help. I will read them though. You can never learn too much. And to clarify, I never have said "I understand you're upset but that never happened." That's what I was saying: saying that would be silly. Lol.

[briefcase]

Gotcha!  

That Fruzetti video really is excellent!  I hated even the idea of validation for all the reasons you stated, and more for a long time (I thought it was wishy-washy and namby-pamby, coddling her, enabling, etc.)  

After a lot of frustration, and a lot of prodding from members here, I finally really started studying it, practicing it, and applying it.  I learned its a powerful tool, and life changin - not only in my marriage, but with everyone!  So, if I have the zeal of a convert, I suppose it's becuase I am.  

[briefcase]

Oh, and one more thought about the idea that "nothing seems to help."  Keep in mind that we aren't trying to "help" change our partners at all.  We are changing ourselves, for the better, even if it has zero impact on our partners.  It's really about taking control over our lives.  So, all of the tools you listed - SET, DEARMAN, JADE, etc. - all help you get and keep control over your life.  Your husband will have to change himself. 

[Sin_M]

Excellent point and you know, you're right. I have to be about me, man. And I have been. Because after you have been with a BPD partner awhile, you start to notice that you are becoming like them in some ways. And that is one thing NOBODY wants.

[AnitaL]

Excellent point and you know, you're right. I have to be about me, man. And I have been. Because after you have been with a BPD partner awhile, you start to notice that you are becoming like them in some ways. And that is one thing NOBODY wants.

Amen to that.  I should frame this and hang it on my wall.