How do you handle them coming back?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi... .   i'm 35 years old... . divorced for 3 years now with a 4 year old daughter. My ex has BPD. We were married how almost 3 years before. I only got to know that she has BPD this year. Prior to that i have been blaming myself for the separation.

Eventhough we've been divorced for 3 years now... . I still do get the occasional bashing from her out of the blue for nothing but since i've learnt about BPD, i can take the hit better now. However, 1 thing that i can't handle is the seduction... . Every now and then... . she will come on to me (asking me out, sending pics, videos) abd i end up being drawn to her and we'll have sex! but after that... . everything is back to normal... . back to our separate lives. I'm really worried that this will come back and haunt me like people will find out... . or worst my daughter knows about it as she grows older... . please advice what should i do 

[ayapama]

Hi... .   i'm 35 years old... . divorced for 3 years now with a 4 year old daughter. My ex has BPD. We were married how almost 3 years before. I only got to know that she has BPD this year. Prior to that i have been blaming myself for the separation.

Eventhough we've been divorced for 3 years now... . I still do get the occasional bashing from her out of the blue for nothing but since i've learnt about BPD, i can take the hit better now. However, 1 thing that i can't handle is the seduction... . Every now and then... . she will come on to me (asking me out, sending pics, videos) abd i end up being drawn to her and we'll have sex! but after that... . everything is back to normal... . back to our separate lives. I'm really worried that this will come back and haunt me like people will find out... . or worst my daughter knows about it as she grows older... . please advice what should i do 

[crystalclear]

  ayapama,

I am sorry for your troubles

There are 2 things involved here in my opinion,  one she is your ex, anf second more importantly she is pwBPD. I am not sure how much you can do for the latter one here but you need to help yourself. You need to draw stronger boundaries to stop her and yourself from prolonging anymore dysfunctional dance. It is not healthy and you will need to do good for you, and her as she is suffering this disorder. I would say, read about this disorder more to understand what you are dealing with here. Think about what you want, need for your own healthy life.

Take good care and stay strong,

cc

[mamachelle]

Hi ayapama,



It sounds like you have come to the right place to learn some new tools for coping with your ex. For those of us with children with our exBPD partners there are many places to get tripped up while trying to navigate through the post divorce landscape.

How are things with the custody and parenting relationship? How often do you see your daughter? Has your ex found another relationship? How about you?

I think other SOs  (BF or GFs) --and your feelings of self-worth-- are the main concern right now when it comes to getting back together ocassionally with your ex.

I think you will find support on the Leaving Board. Also do check out our Legal board. There are invaluable tools and resources here that will help.

Here are a few links to look over:

US: When is good sex a bad thing? [romantic partners]

Shared Parenting 

"Red Flags"/How to choose emotionally healthier partners

We are here for you.

Yours,

mamachelle