Do they hate us because we are normal?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have often wondered if much of the hatred I received was due to her feeling jealous lack of control and instability.  If I remained in control during a tense situation she seemed irritated that I was not overreacting.  It is as if my stability and timeliness were just a reminder to her that she was not. 

[emotionaholic]

I have often wondered if much of the hatred I received was due to her feeling jealous lack of control and instability.  If I remained in control during a tense situation she seemed irritated that I was not overreacting.  It is as if my stability and timeliness were just a reminder to her that she was not. 

[shaggysoul]

I think it would bother anyone to see that their very  feelings are not being mirrored by those around them. It can be invalidating.

However, I don't really think that Nons are normal. I think sometimes our lack of a response is us stuffing out feelings away. Or just trying not to make a situation worse and more emotional by trying to be the strong guy, which could also make the pwBPD mad. I remember times during rages I would just sit there and stare at my ex fly off the handle. I think my lack of response made him more angry and in hindsight maybe I was trying make a point/ model appropriate behavior.

[crystalclear]

IMO, I don't think they see whether 'we' are normal/healthy or not - because we all have our own flaws. They are disappointed or frustrated once they see our flaws (not theirs) which is driving the r/s nowhere for them. They feel like we are a bad investment now - of time, and their energies.

I think they begin to feel like they are losing control over the r/s or us. What looked to them a 'rosy future' where their needs were being fulfilled is turning out to be a nightmare. We all want our needs to be fulfilled in some way or the other in the r/s. When things start to  crumble we don't run - we face it, fix it most times.

They cannot 'fix' it - they do not want to acknowledge their own shortcomings or take the blame, so they leave to escape from it. The confrontation needs strength which they lack. It is easier for them to discard you once they paint you black, blame you and jump out - because 'you' were 'incapable' of idealzing them or being who they expected you to be.

[shaggysoul]

Wow, crystal. You are so right on always! I have thinking a lot about how all our fights were about his needs. Even when he had purposefully done something to hurt me and I distanced out of pain, he would then rage at me saying I wasn't doing this or being that. Being yelled at while hurting so bad can be so abusive.

That makes me so mad now.

[jdcthunder14]

Can't speak for "all" or "they" but my ex was very upset that she "couldn't be fixed." In the context of our conversation we were talking about her admitted and diagnosed mental issues. She knew that she had issues, but could never find the right "cure." She has been through the system and my feeling is probably misdiagnosed either because they were not aware of BPD or her misdirecting the clinicians.

I know mine hated the way she felt... . so I can imagine that seeing anyone that didn't suffer as she did would upset her... . call it jealousy, envy, whatever she had it.

[shaggysoul]

I always thought that if my ex actually had insight and realized he had a feasible diagnosis(not just that he is secretly a troll, literally. This is his current working theory) and got help then everything would be better. He would get better.  I am starting to realize that most pwBPD do not come out the other side much better than before.

[tailspin]

If they hate us at all it's because of who we represent; the source of their original pain. Their shame prevents them from realizing who they really hate so they hate us instead.

It's most likely we're painted black and discarded because BPD, among other things, is an attachment disorder.  Eventually we "become" the person who inflicted their original pain as the lines between their reality and these traumatic memories blur and come to the surface.

It's my understanding that we eventually become the trigger for these memories to resurface.  The rage we see is our partner struggling to manage the trauma and pain associated with these memories.

tailspin

[jdcthunder14]

Shaggy:

When we were together mine talked to me a lot about how she felt and what was going on in her mind... . well to a point. She told me right after our breakup that "I let you in as much as I could" meaning of course that she didn't tell me all of her feelings. Fast forward 6 months and her issues and misery were now caused by me. Everything she felt was my fault!

So the point is it is a very hard climb for them to know that there is something wrong with them and take responsibity for the actions they take.

[MaybeSo]

It's a mental illness. They act in accordance with their mental illness.  It doesn't have anything to do with us.

[maryy16]

Interesting thought... .

While raging my H could NEVER think of me a "normal", so in my personal experience I doubt that he is jealous of me in any way.  And if he is jealous at all, then he's jealous of everyone else in the world because he basically dislikes everyone.

Sin_M:  I totally agree with you about the blaming.  It's like the old saying about "watch how a man treats his mother and you'll know how he will treat you".  I wish I had heeded those words.

[GlennT]

I could  have saved myself alot of trouble too, but I did'nt believe her, during the idealization phase, after she asked about my parents and childhood, then said straight up,  "You had good parents and a childhood, I did'nt. I can't love."

[bpdspell]

I could  have saved myself alot of trouble too, but I did'nt believe her, during the idealization phase, after she asked about my parents and childhood, then said straight up,  "You had good parents and a childhood, I did'nt. I can't love."

Wow.

When a person tells you who they are... . believe them. They've known themselves longer than you have - Maya Angelou

That's one of the most powerful lessons I've learned from this experience... . that a person isn't just a handsome/prettyface/a great body and a smile... . every person has a story/a narrative/a childhood/real history and it's worth exploring before getting serious with anyone... .

Spell

[thisyoungdad]

So many good things on here. I don't know the answer to this question. I know my experience.

When my almost ex wife left me now 10 months ago it was as if an atomic bomb was set off in our lives. The level of escalated insanity within 48 was mind boggling to everyone involved as in couples therapist, personal therapist etc.

Looking back I found a couple emails where she said to me "this is not working for either of us, we are not happy and the only way we can be is if ONE of us changes" and I didn't catch that at the time apparently but I now see her saying I needed to change.

We are in the very final stages of getting the divorce paperwork and everything done and filed. I know that within the last 6 weeks she told a friend that she is really sad we are actually getting divorced because she had "hoped I would see the light and change so we could stay married" and I just didn't even know what to say to that.

Everyone who knows us, me, would happily attest and continues to attest to the incredible amount of self growth I have had in the past 10 months, the way I continually have stood up and willingly taken responsibility when I am wrong, I made amends on more than one occasion to the wife (I am in AA so I needed to) and I to this day have not heard one peep about her being sorry for anything at all.

I truly believe she is in such a deep place of self denial that she really believes I didn't change. As someone else said though about the parents, she has had brief moments in the past year where she can recognize the emotional incest with her mother. She has done this a couple times in calm moments and not in blaming me but just talking. However then within a day or two the mom is invited back out for an extended visit again even if she was here just weeks prior (lives out of state and is retired) and I am being blamed for the source of the unhappiness. She told me once last November she was afraid she was going to lose her family. I was sharing the whole story with my therapist and he pointed out in the context she was talking, which was about boundaries, she was not talking about me and our daughter she was talking about her parents. She is 43 years old, I think I may have cried because i felt so sad for her. The stunted emotional growth she has is terrible, she is a smart, funny,capable professional and yet her personal life is in shambles again for the 2nd time in 5 years. Yet the pain of seeing it would be likened to death to her. So she stays miserable despite pretending she is happy.

All that to say I don't think for her there is anything about being mad at me for for not having these issues. Also finally I think this is reinforced because for so long she pushed and pushed until I reacted in some way that would validate whatever it was she needed to have validated. She set me up basically. So in her non reality world, of course it must be true now because she can not see how keeping my kid away for 5 days and not telling me where they are at would make me extremely upset. She just sees upset. That is my take on it from my experience anyway.

[Clearmind]

I agree with MaybeSo - Its very tempting to pick the illness apart and find some way how we contributed. Its really hard to get our head around the fact that this illness was there way before you came along and it will be there a long time after you too.

This is not about you... . maybe turn your focus on why you attached to a Borderline rather than concentrate on something you cannot control - that being - another person's thought process. You are in control of your emotions, thoughts and feelings - try to begin by turning this around to you and not make it about 'them'... . the answers don't lie with them.