I blew it She texted, I responded.

[DrNoClue]

Ugh!  I am having such a hard time not responding to my ex's text messages! We broke up two weeks ago and I was doing great for a couple of days with NC, missing her but working hard in therapy, reading, visiting this site (which has been SO helpful!) and bam... . I get a text from her this morning and felt compelled to write back... . and I did... . right back into the disfunctional pattern response.  I told her when we broke up that I was not emotionally strong enough to "be friends," needed to cut off completely, and it was too painful to be in contact with her.  We had agreed that if, after our last "try again," we didn't make it, we would cut off completely.  Well, we didn't make it and cutting off completely is torture. I'm trying to resist beating myself up for it and just breathe through my anxiety... . I know beating myself up is not helpful, but that's one of my defenses... . along with intellectualizing... . so I'm here now writing just to vent and trying not to make it worse by texting her more.  I've told her not to text or contact me, but I keep messing up because just responding and telling her not to contact me is sending her the wrong message.  It is so hard to "hurt" her... . especially when she's telling me how much she misses me ... . yes, I'm co-dependent and am trying to work on that also.  Breathe... . breathe... . breathe... .

[fakename]

eh. not a big deal. dont beat yourself up.

2 weeks isnt long at all into a recovery, and it shows in that you still have strong emotions at the surface... . its normal. i would respond to my ex as soon as a month or 2 after the break up... . i noticed differences in how i responded though.

i would say maybe it'll be helpful to get out whatever you need to now while you are still in contact, but do so with a clear mind.  also at some point i think you have to make a stand and stick to whatever decision to made.  in the early stages, i told myself no matter what, i would not go back to being with my ex. and i stuck to that, no matter how badly i wanted to be with her, how lonely i was or how depressed... .

in the end, the pain you go through helps you. you gain perspective and strength and understand why boundaries are important to have and uphold for your own well being... .

[Lao Tzu]

Dear DrNoClue (),

     Sucks, doesn't it?  This is a good place to vent since we all certainly get it here.  I don't know if it will help you, but since I have to see my ex at work I have had to develop a few 'coping' skills.  One is that I practice my responses to her over and over before I am exposed to the challenge.  You might mentally rehearse analyzing these messages for the manipulative baloney they are and then deleting them.  The other thing I do is subvocalize (yes, talk to myself --being part of this messed up r/s defines me as somewhat less than sane, so why not?) when I am faced with the interaction.  I usually tell myself that this person isn't real.  She's really just a delusion and I must not react to delusions.  This isn't strictly true, of course, but there is so much delusional thinking going on in my head making her seem important far beyond the reality of anything she ever actually did, that it's closer to the truth than I like to admit.  Anyway, it helps me; hope you get some benefit as well.

LT   

[tailspin]

Dr. No Clue 

Establishing boundaries to protect ourselves isn't easy, and if a brick or 2 falls down in the process, it's really not a big deal to just patch it up.  It's a process that doesn't happen overnight because we have to learn what triggers us to reply; what need is being fulfilled when we reply, and then try to fill this need for ourselves.

Eventually her texts will fail to trigger this response in you.  I see this as a minor setback and not a failure; allow yourself a learning curve and be kind to yourself.  I think you are really doing great.

tailspin

[Skip]

Thank you Rapt Reader for your reply and helpful advice.  My girlfriend and I are so toxic right now that I need to step away, gain some perspective, and get stronger.  She is so emotionally unpredictable and changes from hour to hour.  She believes all the fault lies with me and just being with her or talking to her triggers her rage. I'm hopeful that through therapy, we can both get healthier. However, I can't make her go and I have to work on my own stuff. At the very least I'd love for us to one day be friends, but right now I need separation and distance. I looking forward to exploring the site.

No contact is hard - it raises all kinds of abandonment anxiety all the way around.  I might suggest trying to dial the anxiety down by allowing a little superficial contact.

Tell her you need space to think and don't want to get into discussions about the relationship right now - but you can stay in touch via email as long as it is light.  If she sends you a light note, respond, but slowly increase the response time.  If she sends a heavy note, wait a day, and send her a brief reminder that you are taking a mental health holiday (keep it light).  :)on't engage the "stuff".  :)on't try to be heard right now.  No one is listening anyway.

This might allow more disengagement than no contact.  It's called "controlled contact".  Your real goal, as you said, is to get some distance so you can think.  

You know yourself - you know her - pick something in place that cools things down.

The goal is to disengage.  Some times NC works, some times NC works against that.  

Be clear on the objective.  Then pick the right tool.

[bewildered2]

keep in mind that while she can't change... . you can.

try and get your head around the fact that she has a problem and so her behavior towards you is more than a little off... . and that you deserve better... . but that you won't get it from her... . so your expectations are lowered... . and then you won't be surprised or hurt as much or as easily as before.

in other words, concentrate on you and your behavior... . not hers.

you can react differently, and feel differently, when she contacts you, if you want to... . you have the power... . don't give it away.

b2

[DrNoClue]

Thank you Alll... . your advice is very helpful.