Sister with "issues"

[kindsoul]

After reading so many posts on here that reflect what I've been dealing with it seems to me that my sister has undiagnosed BPD. She has been treated with anti-anxiety meds for the past 25 years after having been diagnosed with postpartum depression, clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. She has always been a "piece of work" but after reading all of these posts I am almost sure that she is suffering from BPD.

I am at my wit's end with her. She has gotten far far worse since we lost our mother a little over 4 years ago. I think my mother was her enabler and buffered me from a lot of the crazy. Now that she's gone, I am left with the brunt of my sister's rage, anger and negativity. She has a wonderful husband and two great kids ages 25 and 20 but you'd never know it from talking to her. Nearly 90% of the time she calls me it is to vent (vomit) all over me about some slight or situation that has outraged her. I've tried to listen, comfort, redirect, etc. It is never ending. I've witnessed her lashing out at loved ones and strangers much to my embarrassment. We grew up with a father who had mental illness, which has left me with some reactivity around my sister's behaviors. I am in psychotherapy, study Buddhist practice, exercise and generally am focussed on my health (physical and mental) and wellbeing. My sister prefers to "medicate vs. meditate". She lashes out and is very very hurtful.

I got sucker punched with an email from her last week listing all of the ways in which I'm a bad sister and aunt to her children, blah blah blah... . you probably know the rant. I practiced as much restraint as I could and tried to not absorb the arrows. I told her it was an awful email, that I was a loving and caring member of the family and that I didn't deserve this. I wished her peace and comfort. She lashed back at me again via email and I again responded as compassionately as I could stating that I was sorry she was struggling and that I hoped it got better.  I can not have any conversation with her as I am afraid of what I might say... . knowing it will be twisted and used against me in the future. I am so happy that I have a therapist who is helping me, but when I found this site (with the encouragement of my spouse who keeps telling me that my sister has BPD) I thought it would be another way to make sense of this and get some guidance. I really am at my wit's end with her. I'd like to just cut and run away from it, but my guilt and obligation to my family is very strong. I am working on this daily and trying to figure this out. Hopefully some of you wise people will be able to get me started and work through some of this painful painful stuff. I'm sure you know that this is just a slice of what I've been dealing with over the past 49 years... .

[Octoberfest]

Hi kindsoul-

First, I really like your name 

I am sorry to hear about the troubles you have been having with your sister. BPD certainly is a troubling disorder and it can cause a lot of pain for all those involved with a person who has it. It is awesome that you are doing your best to help your sister and your family. I think seeing a therapist is a great move. I did so the past 2-3 months and it helped me in many ways. 

bpdfamily is an awesome site because it is filled with people who have experienced (and many who still are experiencing) what you have.  It is often hard to talk about this disorder with people who have not seen it first hand, because they simply do not understand.  I think you will find here a community of people who are able and willing to support you!

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Additionally I think the following resources might help you:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Radical Acceptance for family members

You are in good hands here! 

[kindsoul]

Thanks Octoberfest!

So grateful to have found this site. I appreciate the tools you've passed along to me. It is a work in progress and I will need some practical applications for dealing with my sister. She has been my greatest teacher, but these lessons are not ones I'd wish on anyone.

[BPDSis]

Hi Kindsoul,

I like your name, too    I also have a sister with a life-long, undiagnosed condition who is "a piece of work." (I like that description, too. So fitting!)

On August 8th our 86 year old mother died, leaving my 56 sister and me (52).  As in your family, my mother was my sister's primary enabler (my parents were divorced when I was three; I have recently come into information that my father is probably NOT my sister's father - which was what we were told all our lives - and this may explain some of our fundamental differences, beyond having, or not having, BPD.)

After getting some education about BPD over the past 8 weeks (the entire length of time I've even known about BPD) I believe my birth was the triggering event for my sister's life-long BPD outbursts.  The birth of the second child seems to act as a trigger for many with BPD, and that would fit our situation, as I have never, ever known a single pleasant day in my sister's company, ever.  For my sister, I was, always have been, and always will be ALL BAD, because I invalidated her with my birth.

I've gone into therapy to try address some of the issues that having a BPD sister has caused, as I can recognize that I've clearly adopted BPD "coping strategies" as part of my usual routine in dealing with the world, and it's no more appropriate, healthy, or self-loving for me to behave like that, then for a BPer to do so.  I also want to address the sexual abuse I was exposed to as infant, committed by my sister. I've read the BPers can sexually abuse their siblings and if anyone has comments on that aspect, especially as infants/toddlers, I'd appreciate any feedback from that.  I realize that a common question is, who was abusing my sister, if she was abusing me? To the best of my knowledge, I can't see any figure in our lives at that time who would have sexually abused my sister.  I can see my sister being privy to, or intruding upon my parents making love, and misinterpreting and misapplying it, but I can't think of anyone who would have sexually abused her (in other words, I don't know where she got the idea to sexually abuse me.)

With our mother's death on August 8th (it's now August 23) my sister is entering into a deep crisis, which has typically meant that I'm about to experience an absolute, hellacious storm of emotional rage and anger, as she will have to face this final abandonment.  I am scheduled to go to our mother's house in another state, next week, to retrieve my half of her furniture.  My sister lives in the same city as our mother did, and has been left in charge of the house by my cousin, the executor, who disregarded my request to have the locks changed and the keys restricted from me & my sister, until he was ready to distribute my mother's property.  This cousin was chosen because my sister & I could not get along & be left as joint-executors, and because it would be too invalidating for my sister, if I was chosen to be executor, even though I am the logical choice, as I am the business woman of the family, and my sister's "career" (if you call constant job changes and work settings a career) and life are a predictable mess.  This cousin, however, is like all the world, an extremely busy person with a full life of his own, and he really does not have the time it takes to close down a house, empty it, put it on the market & sell it, much less deal with a BPer.  At this point, he probably wishes he had agreed to monthly root canal for the rest of his life, than be named Executor and have to deal with my mother's estate, my BPD sister, and me.

I do not wish to see or speak to my sister ever again.  For 13 years I did not speak, see or mention my sister (to my mother, no one else in my life had ever met my sister at that point) from 1992-2005, and they were the happiest years of my life. The single biggest mistake I feel I made, was to let our mother guilt-trip me into letting my sister back into my life, Christmas 2005. Just the thought of having to see my sister makes me tense up, and feel awful inside.  If I were to actually have to see her, and be put in the position of having to explain my actions to her (as if it's possible to tell a Queen-Witch BPer anything) makes me almost physically ill, nauseous, in fact.

Does anyone have advice for how to avoid a physical meeting with an adult BP sibling they do not wish to see again?  It is highly likely my sister will come over to my mother's house while I am there, collecting my furniture, and I'd like to set boundaries so that she cannot.  This has been where all previous attempts with my sister have failed - I've never been able to set boundaries -- AND HAVE THEM HOLD.  My sister always performs counter-maneuvers, and lies, lies-by-omission, and manipulates like crazy, and just knows every way to push my buttons.  I'm working on this for myself, but with less than a week to go to this day, I'm Walking On Eggshells, to say the least, lest I have to be abused verbally one last time. 

Anyone else have any experience with BPD siblings and the death of a parent/chief enabler?  Any tips or hints?

Thank you all so very much,

BPDSis

[cleotokos]

Wowowow - BPDsis, what you said about BPD'ers interpreting the birth of a sibling as abandonment and triggering BPD really struck me. My uBPD mother used to tell me about how much she hated her baby brother, and dreamed of killing him when he was a baby in his crib. She'd say it with a laugh as if it were some cute childhood memory. Huge lightbulb went off in my head when you said this can be a trigger for them. I too (like my mother) was an older sister with a younger brother, just the two of us and I think my mother played out a lot of stuff about how she felt about her brother with us. She favoured me because she felt her brother had been favoured by her parents. I believe she struggled with a lot of revenge feelings (oh revenge is her absolute favourite thing) towards my brother. I never, ever, ever had feelings of hatred or wanting to kill my brother when he was a baby! But I feel she always drove a wedge between us. Rather than disciplining me if I was mean to him, she'd say "well, I didn't SEE what happened". Translation? Do what you want to your brother as long as I'm not looking. I am left to struggle with the guilt of having been absolutely cruel to him before I even knew the difference between right and wrong. I stopped on my own at a certain age, once I was able to comprehend what I was doing and work it out on my own. I was never told to love and appreciate my brother, we were never encouraged to have any sort of relationship. That we should hate one another passionately was considered normal by her and even encouraged.

[kindsoul]

Interesting. In my situation I was born when my uBPDsis was 6 years old and according to her she always wanted a sibling, built in best friend. For me there was always this expectation that I was going to fill all of the voids in her life. We were never a bit alike. She was disappointed when I turned out to be a lesbian and that we would not raise children together. For me there was always a high degree of expectation that I would be the one to make everything in her life better. Meanwhile, she was never interested in me. Never came to my sporting events, didn't come to see me perform in the orchestra, would make fun of me in front of her friends when I was going through an awkward adolescent stage, picked on me on many, many occasions. Now in our adult lives (I'm 49, she's 55) I am supposed to want to be her best friend and confidant. The messages and the actions are just co contradictory. We were also dealing with a mentally ill father (my parents divorced when I was 10 yrs) but he was still a presence for many years after that. I think that took the focus away from realizing that my sister was in trouble mentally as well.

After my mother died 4 years ago, it became more apparent to me how needy and unstable my sister was, not having my mother to lean on. She then began calling, ranting at everything, everyone, and at times at me. Starting to put all of the pieces together and it's not pretty. Ugh!

[Calamity]

BPD Sis

I don't know how to advise you about not seeing your sister.  I think that sometimes, there are family occasions that can't be avoided, and the only thing to do, is set strategies in place.  Last time I was home and my sister also came home to our mother's, I stayed in another place, so that I could visit, but I could also leave when I needed to get away, and wasn't "locked in" with my sister.

Our father died six years ago, and it was one of the steps towards my realising that sis was not "normal".  She had spent years refusing to talk to him, and we had fallen out a number of times over this.  But in 2002 he won a lot of money, and gave us all some, and suddenly she developed a relationship with him that she'd never had before.

When he died, in Australia, she was living in NZ and did not have a passport.  She claimed that she wanted to come to Australia to "help" clean out his apartment, but she made no effort to obtain a passport, and I made no effort to encourage her because I knew having her there would be a disaster, and her "help" would be limited to pouring over every little thing, and "grieving" for a man she hardly knew, and would have wanted no part of had he not won that money.

Her perception of what happened around his death, is that I stopped her from "helping", then I "didn't invite her" to his funeral, and then I didn't include her over the Will, which was fairly straight forward - we each got 1/3.  Still, having her accuse me of these various things has been easier than had I paid for her passport and bought her airfares to Australia (which was the only option - she had no money at the time), then had to deal with the inevitable, and irreconcilable conflict that would have ensued.

[KrazyKatSis]

Hello, KindSoul, BPDSis and Calamity,

I, too, have a dBPDsis who has caused massive amounts of family chaos and damage. When our mother died 4 years ago, she suddenly began telling everyone it was mom's fault that she was "broken." She insisted that mom had BPD! Before that, when mom was live, it was dad who was "broken" and at fault. We even have a joke in our family about who will be her next victim to be painted black, because she changes her stories so quickly.

My dad is 83. It breaks his heart to see her make one bad decision after another. So I put up with her and will do so until he dies. Then, I won't have to spend any more time with her and her constant drama.

My tips and hints? You can't fix her. You can't even help her. She has to do that herself. And this sounds bad, I know, but it really doesn't matter what you say or do. Everything is filtered through their disorder. So, protect yourself and take care of yourself. If avoiding her is what it takes, do it without apology. If responding with compassion is what it takes, do it. Because in the end, to her, it won't make any difference what you do: it will only make a difference to you.

You know? 

[KrazyKatSis]

Oops, and Cleotokis, too!

[kindsoul]

Thanks KrazyKatSis

You make a lot of sense. I have been reading the Essential Family Guide and reading a lot more about this disorder and having just had that "lightbulb moment" a week or so ago it is still overwhelming. As I look back over the countless behaviors that my sister has exhibited she fits the BPD picture.

I am now starting to believe that minimal contact is the way to go. I will continue to try to be compassionate if I have to have contact. I will continue my own healing and have compassion for myself that this has been a great strain on my wellbeing. My eyes are now open and I am hoping for more clarity in dealing with this. Thanks again.

[enough abuse]

Hi all fellow victims of sisters with BPD,

My heart beaks for all of you as having a sister with BPD is by far the most devistating, hurtful, painful situation I have ever encounterd.  Reading this just makes me sick but comforted at the same time.  I have all the same feeling and it all but destroys me.  Reading of all the others going through the same thing does give me strengh.

All the best... .

[kindsoul]

Thank you, enough abuse,

It does help to know that we are not alone in this struggle. I feel as though everyone else in my family just ignores the behavior. I am so grateful that I've been in therapy for 5 years with a compassionate and skilled woman who is helping me to navigate through this while I try to develop limits and boundaries for myself and my healing. I wish us all peace and a sense of self love and compassion as we deal with this.