Running away

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My H exhibits all BPD traits and I can well understand the stages that it goes through as we've been together nearly 20 years.  He's prone to depression and often stays in bed and basically seems to think life should come to him. 

I thought things were going well, was amazed when he seemed interesting in me and after a bad 4 months last year, this year had had a couple of blips but were overcome.  I was aware that he was wanting to run away as he's been feeling stress about a social situation which hasn't anything to do with me.  I had booked my first holiday with a friend on a cruise for one week and went away in July.  The week before, my H went camping with our dog and the during the week I was actually away, he went camping again.  I wasn't phased, he likes camping but he made comment when I got back that he wanted to run away and start afresh. 

He started looking at properties obssessively and becoming quite secretive.  Even though we were doing well between us, I couldn't cope with the insecurity of the Jekyll/hyde situation and challenged him as to whether he was leaving.  Yes, he said, and I went mad, I was so angry.  I asked when he was going to tell me and he said when he'd found somewhere.

We didn't speak for days and I could see he was researching properties and gathering camping equipment.  I could see the anger/rage stage and chose not to say a word and it was healthier than chuntering on and creating more friction.  He's not running away from me, but from himself.  Today, he went in the early hours with the dog without a word.  He's not texted, nor have I and I feel that I must not give in to urges to try to engage in text.  I'm really missing the dog already though and would like to know how he's getting on, so I might text about the dog in a day or so. 

I'm pleased with myself not to have reacted when I could see he was feeling very angry and to be honest, I've had a lovely day on my own.  It's that feeling of not having control on what the future may bring that is unnerving.  To be honest, I would compromise and give him an escape pad as every few months, he kicks down but he seems to want something more permanent.  Or does he?

[Tyrwhitt]

My H exhibits all BPD traits and I can well understand the stages that it goes through as we've been together nearly 20 years.  He's prone to depression and often stays in bed and basically seems to think life should come to him. 

I thought things were going well, was amazed when he seemed interesting in me and after a bad 4 months last year, this year had had a couple of blips but were overcome.  I was aware that he was wanting to run away as he's been feeling stress about a social situation which hasn't anything to do with me.  I had booked my first holiday with a friend on a cruise for one week and went away in July.  The week before, my H went camping with our dog and the during the week I was actually away, he went camping again.  I wasn't phased, he likes camping but he made comment when I got back that he wanted to run away and start afresh. 

He started looking at properties obssessively and becoming quite secretive.  Even though we were doing well between us, I couldn't cope with the insecurity of the Jekyll/hyde situation and challenged him as to whether he was leaving.  Yes, he said, and I went mad, I was so angry.  I asked when he was going to tell me and he said when he'd found somewhere.

We didn't speak for days and I could see he was researching properties and gathering camping equipment.  I could see the anger/rage stage and chose not to say a word and it was healthier than chuntering on and creating more friction.  He's not running away from me, but from himself.  Today, he went in the early hours with the dog without a word.  He's not texted, nor have I and I feel that I must not give in to urges to try to engage in text.  I'm really missing the dog already though and would like to know how he's getting on, so I might text about the dog in a day or so. 

I'm pleased with myself not to have reacted when I could see he was feeling very angry and to be honest, I've had a lovely day on my own.  It's that feeling of not having control on what the future may bring that is unnerving.  To be honest, I would compromise and give him an escape pad as every few months, he kicks down but he seems to want something more permanent.  Or does he?

[shamrock]

   you are correct to feel that he is not running to anywhere but FROM where he is. Not you, or house but from his deamons

You handled the stuation beautifully!

How to handle the situation long term,I think you need more help than I can give you, if there is a correct method. You did not say if he is a dBPD, or in treatment?

When he comes home validate his feelings & understand where he is comming from

[Tyrwhitt]

Well... . as probably everyone could predict, the texts started coming.  He says he's on the road to retribution but has taken the dog to make sure he comes back (and he will be back as he has a concert this Saturday to go to!).  I'm minded to let him get on with it, if there are consequences to any of his actions, they're his consequences.  I suspect that he wants to get stuff off his chest and confront his family but I don't know for sure.  He's in an angry state, but I don't want any responsibility for it.  I used to try to fix everything, but I now know that I can't, I used to think that he could be happy, I now know that he'll have pockets of happiness and then kick down suddenly, I used to think that I couldn't manage without him, I now know that I can, it's the uncertainty of what form that would take if it happened.

I'm prepared to accept him for what he is.  He's had thousands of pounds worth of counselling and is incredibly self-aware.  Sorry, but it's no magic wand and hasn't done a thing to help.  The force that drives a BPD is so strong that it's at the core of their very being, the instinct of how they behave.  There are better times and then bad times.  So, I'll wait to see what comes of this bad time in a detached way and go about my day.

[allibaba]

Tyrwhitt,

I have to commend you on your ability to stay detached in such a horrible situation.  You have obviously worked very hard on yourself over your 20 year relationship. This must take such inner strength.  Radical acceptance. 

Stay strong in your journey and thanks for sharing!