How To Send Back His Stuff... ?

[RedCandle]

I took everyone's advice here on how to manage his emails after 7 months no contact. In short, do not take the bait until something of SUBSTANCE was actually said... . beyond the: "I can't have a meaningful relationship with anyone else because I still have feelings for you."

I didn't hear any more from him. Until midnight on my birthday when he emailed "Happy Birthday!"... . a short joke... . and that was it.

My frustration is sky high because I KNOW these are breadcrumbs.

One major "ghost" that has hung over me the past two years is the collection of his things that I have held on to... . my wishful thinking that I was somehow holding on to him as well.

Several of his t-shirts, the equivalent of his "Varsity" jacket, some of his AA chips which he would give to me and several other odds and ends of his that were all gifted to me.

They stare at me every time I open a drawer or closet and I can't take it anymore.

I just turned 29 and I have been pining after this man for over two years... . while he has been with other people.

I need to remove this stuff from my home.

I refuse to just throw it away because (A) I'm emotionally attached to it and (B) I'd be pissed if someone did that with my stuff.

I have decided that I want to mail it back to him, in part to go through the motion of actually LETTING GO of the things I hold on to.

My question is: Do I include a short note in this box?

We have not been fighting and our last words weren't angry... . so, I'm not feeling like I need to just shove it all in a box and mail it.

I do feel like I need to make my intentions known, that I am not here for breadcrumbs and that I am actively going to put my foot down and try to let go.

I don't want to say this directly... . but, should I include some kind of short note?

[cska]

Hey Candle!

In my case, my ex would get suicidal when she was triggered, and sending back her stuff would definitely be a triggering experience. So I would attempt to soften the trigger. (She did a lot of bad stuff to me, but I know that she is in a lot of pain, I wouldn't want to make her feel worse.)

So if I had to send her stuff back, I wouldn't want to trigger her even more, so I wouldn't rub it in her face that I was moving on etc. I would just say something nice, like "Hey, I thought you might have missed your stuff, so I decided to send them to you. Hope you're well."

I wouldn't want to re-engage with my ex, but I wouldn't want to trigger her neither.

That's what I would do. That's just my opinion. I'm all for disconnecting, but you have to do so without hurting them even more. They do what they do b/c they're in pain, I wouldn't want to make it worse. (My ex did some horrible things to me, but I realize its b/c of her mental illness.)

[RedCandle]

Wow... . I had not been looking at it that way. Probably because I'm so hurt/frustrated that the most I can get... . is a breadcrumb... .

No, I'm not trying to be spiteful... . but I KNOW that keeping these things is keeping me twisted in a delusion that "one day" I wont have to tuck them away... . that we will be together and live happily ever after.

The problem is... . I can't really say that I'm returning things that he has *missed.* These are practically all gifts that were given to me. And, I have attached so much emotional value to them... . that *I* can not throw them out or hide them any longer. But he can wear these shirts (they're his work shirts), he can wear this jacket, he can wear these visors, he can keep his chips and he can give the jewelry to someone else or pawn it.

My girlfriends have recommended I keep it short and say that "Since you have long been absent from my life and openly acknowledged that you have been with other people... . I can no longer hold onto these things, which now create an almost daily, painful reminder of what I've lost."

But... . reading your advice... . it seems that given the BPD... . I should be a bit softer in my approach? How do you address returning things that they don't necessarily "need" back?

I genuinely appreciate the help.

Collecting all this stuff up tonight has been very difficult.

[RedCandle]

Alternatively, I pull out the things that were gifts, specifically the jewelry and do something else with them... . and just send him back his shirts and jacket... . things he can use... .

Blah... . I just don't want to have to DEAL with that stuff anymore. I just want it to be gone... . but not TRASHED. If he wants to throw the jewelry away... . fine... .

[cska]

Hey Candle! I didn't realize the items are gifts. That makes it a bit more complex.

If these objects are causing you pain, you should definitely return them. And I think the advice your girlfriends gave you is excellent. Its honest, to the point, but its not rubbing anything in.

In any situation, I always try to examine my feelings. So whenever I want to do something or say something to my ex, I ask myself " What is the driving force behind this desire? Is it hate, or a desire to get back at her, or a desire to hurt her in some way?" If the answer is yes, I try to not go through with the action, or modify my actions accordingly.

It might feel good to get back at someone who has caused you so much pain, but I know that later on, my conscience will nag at me for hurting a mentally ill person. As one famous movie character once said "Hate leads to suffering... . "

I think if you adopt this kind of approach, (1) you will be able to heal, and (2) you wouldn't hurt a mentally ill person. pwBPD are like children, so we have to take on the role of being mature and responsible.  (My ex has always reminded me of an angry teenager who is unable to regulate her emotions.)

[RedCandle]

No... . you are completely right... . I need to keep a check on my feelings and motives here.

I'm very hurt and frustrated. I'm upset that the best I can get from him is an email once in a while. Occassionally and email that will promise the world... . but ONLY an email. And I keep forgetting, that given the BPD... . this may be ALL I will ever get.

I have used those infrequent emails as an excuse to hold on to these items... . and over two years have gone by... . and I'm still staring at them all over my home... . fantasizing about a reality that ISN'T... . while he has openly been with others.

I need to get rid of it. And not in a "I'm going to burn this in the backyard" kind of way.

So... . it sounds like I am OK to return the gifts (jewelry) and his borrowed/gifted belongings (the shirts, jackets, visors, etc)... . so long as I keep my message clear and simple: you are not in my life. you are in the lives of others. These are hurting me. Please accept them back.

Done.

Yes?

[cska]

I think that sounds great! Good for you for moving forward and not accepting the breadcrumbs  

I've recently stopped accepting the breadcrumbs, and it feels great!

Yes, certainly if you're not driven by hate and if it will help you heal, by all means return the clothes. I think its the mature thing to do. I think its extremely wise of you to mail the stuff instead of meeting. In my experience, those face to face meetings to return belongings lead to a lot of pain. Also, I think its good that you're not returning the jewelry. When my ex gave my gifts (souvenirs I got her) back to me, I though it was one of the cruelest things she has ever done. I would have preferred it if she threw them away.

Good for you for moving forward and healing Let me know how things go!

[RedCandle]

Ah... . WAIT... . so I should NOT return the jewelry?

I want it GONE. But I can't bear to throw it out. I could pawn it... . but whatever I buy with the money I will remember HIM.

My thinking was he might be delighted to give it to someone else.

But you don't think I should return the jewelry?

[cska]

Its a pretty delicate topic... . From my experience, when my ex gave the souvenirs to me, I was devastated, and I thought it was really cruel.

Maybe I'm not the greatest at giving advice, because everyone is different, but I think if you listen to your conscience, you won't go wrong.

I think (and that's just my opinion), that you should return the clothes to him, and get rid of the other stuff (pawn it, donate it).

Those belongings can really cause a lot of feelings/emotions to come up. I have love letters from my ex, and I keep them in a folder on a shelf. I avoid that folder as if it were made of fire. I'm not strong enough to throw them out yet, I'm afraid that when I take them out (even to throw them away), I will let the emotions out of the box, and they will boil over.

But a folder on a shelf is very easy to hide, so as long as I avoid it, I'm fine. But in your case, clothes/jewelry are more difficult to keep out of sight, so I think its great that you want to get rid of them ASAP!

[SurvivedLove]

I can no longer hold onto these things, which now create an almost daily, painful reminder of what I've lost."

I think what your friend said to write him sounds fine. Apart from this.

If I'm not mistaken, these words will, in HIS mind, be like an open door asking him to stop your pain by coming back to you.

And if you don't really want that, then you could change it to something like... .

I can no longer hold on to these things, because I need to create new memories for myself that you're not a part of. Please take them and know I did cherish them while I had them. Be well.

I can understand your want to return his clothes and such. I do have to say that the jewelry might trigger him though, because that was something he bought for YOU, not some of his stuff he passed on to you (if that makes sense?).

You could always leave it with your parents, other family or a good friend that you can trust. One day you might find that you've moved way past him and looking at the jewelry will leave nothing but a faint trace of someone you used to love. And you'll smile, put them on and be glad about how pretty they look on you.

You have many options. Pick the one that feels right according to where in the process of healing you are. You're not alone with those thoughts *hug*.

[RedCandle]

Survived... . great point.

And yes, I've considered all this... . and I just pulled all the jewelry out of the box. I am SO glad I checked here first... . you are absolutely right.

I'm not sure I can write out the "memories you will not be a part of."

That stings ME even to type it. BUT... . I think there is a derivative of that phrase that I can come up with.

After all... . creating new memories is clearly... . exactly what he's been doing. Just not with me.

[SurvivedLove]

Survived... . great point.

And yes, I've considered all this... . and I just pulled all the jewelry out of the box. I am SO glad I checked here first... . you are absolutely right.

I'm not sure I can write out the "memories you will not be a part of."

That stings ME even to type it. BUT... . I think there is a derivative of that phrase that I can come up with.

After all... . creating new memories is clearly... . exactly what he's been doing. Just not with me.

Glad to be of support to you .

If it stings to write "that you're not a part of", just leave that out. Stick with "I have to create new memories for me, but know that I did cherish these while I had them. Be well."

That is a kind and loving way to let him know that you're letting him go and wishing him to be happy, in a way that shows respect for the love you had for him.

And hold on to creating new memories for yourself. It might feel strange and alien at first, but it really does work. Take a last look at the jewels, smile because they were given to you... . and then let them go, like you do him. Let that be the first memory of you taking YOUR life back and doing what is really good for YOU.

*hugs*

[RedCandle]

Well... . I don't know if I'd call them... . "JEWELS"... . ha ha!

Can I ask you... . is there anything you recommend I read or prepare myself for... . should this go poorly?

I have no idea how he will respond... . and, his response is not really my responsibility anymore. BUT... . I want to be prepared on MY end.

I imagine I will either here NOTHING... .

... . or... . he will come back with a sad, love-filled email about how hurt he is and he is sorry to see that I have "chosen other people, places and things" (<--his favorite part of the Blame Train)

... . OR... . I will get a cold email accusing me of sleeping with the entire city... . and therefore, now being "done" with his stuff.

I do not feel the need anymore to maintain strict no contact with him.

I've done this long enough.

But... . I'd like to be somewhat emotionally ready.

Is there anything I should anticipate or read up on?

[SurvivedLove]

Well... . I don't know if I'd call them... . "JEWELS"... . ha ha!

Can I ask you... . is there anything you recommend I read or prepare myself for... . should this go poorly?

I have no idea how he will respond... . and, his response is not really my responsibility anymore. BUT... . I want to be prepared on MY end.

I imagine I will either here NOTHING... .

... . or... . he will come back with a sad, love-filled email about how hurt he is and he is sorry to see that I have "chosen other people, places and things" (<--his favorite part of the Blame Train)

... . OR... . I will get a cold email accusing me of sleeping with the entire city... . and therefore, now being "done" with his stuff.

I do not feel the need anymore to maintain strict no contact with him.

I've done this long enough.

But... . I'd like to be somewhat emotionally ready.

Is there anything I should anticipate or read up on?

There are so many great threads about the projection and tabletwisting methods they use. Now I don't know your ex, so I can't really guess at what he might do.

But I can tell you what I think the best course of action for YOU is gonna be, regardless IF he responds or HOW he responds:

Do nothing. Say nothing. Respond to nothing.

Tell yourself that you are detaching with love, that you have shown respect for the love you shared by saying a kind goodbye and wishing him well.

Tell yourself that what ever he feels during the seconds he responds, his feelings are likely to change at the drop of a hat at any given time thereafter.

Tell yourself that it doesn't really matter what his response is, grumping or begging you to come back, blaming you or whining about how bad HE feels. HE is no longer your responsibility, his feelings and thoughts and reactions aren't either. You're responsible for you and you only. And you are the one who you need to love, cherish, nourish and care about now, cause he can't do it, he never could.

Arm yourself with knowledge. Read the lessons about how to break up with a BPD, learn about the many different ways they will try to turn it around on you and use it against you. Knowledge is power. And in that power, you'll find the freedom to allow happiness and healing for yourself.

And remember, NC is a tool to help you detach. Once you're better and further over him, the "I used to love him, but now he's just someone I thought I knew" feeling sets in. And then you can have all the contact in the world with him, it will not change your new, healthy way of taking care of YOU, so he'll never again be able to reeel you into the crazy-train dance.

It's a process. And we're all here with you!

[RedCandle]

Tell yourself that what ever he feels during the seconds he responds, his feelings are likely to change at the drop of a hat at any given time thereafter.[/quote]
Wow... . it was so critical to see this NOW. Because it is SO true.

I need to keep this in my arsenal... . because if I DO get that "But I love you!" email... . I need to remember that it is a fleeting thought... . backed up with ZERO action.

THANK YOU.

[cska]

Yea, those "But I Love you!" e-mails really screw with my head. I got one 2 days ago and I was able to keep in mind that these are empty words. But if I get heartbreaking apology e-mails I might not have the strength to resist them.

My ex kept her previous bf on a leash with that kind of behavior. I hope I don't end up like that. I hope I'll be able to resist.

[RedCandle]

cska... . I had a post on here a few weeks ago, after hearing from him after 7 months of no contact... . and we talked extensively about those ILOVEYOU emails... .

My conclusion was: I cant know for sure whether it is real or not... . what I CAN know is that those WORDS backed up with ZERO action are just puffs of air.

So my plan, in dealing with him and all of his emails... . is that until there is some kind of action behind them... . I try to tell myself "puff! Puff! PUFF!" every time I see them.

But don't get me wrong... . I run to this board when I start to lose it.

Who WOULDN'T want to hear those words?

[RedCandle]

Survived... . cska... . can you check your private messages?

[papawapa]

What the hell is your hang up with simply throwing the stuff in the trash? He obviously doesn't need any of the stuff. Keeping it is causing you to suffer. Put the stuff in a trash bag and toss it into the garbage. You will get over it.

[123Phoebe]

Hi RedCandle, it sounds like you're struggling with this and it's causing you a bit of anxiety... .

There really isn't a 'need' to do anything at the moment.

One of my mantras is , 'When in doubt, wait it out'.  Meaning, sit with my anxiety until I'm very calm and comfortable with any outcome, knowing that it's coming from a place of strength and integrity on my part.

This may not be what's right for you, so please take what I say with a grain of salt... .

Do you 'need him' to receive these items back for your own closure and validation?  Are you able to trust your very own past experiences, leaving him out of the future (receiving these items)? 

I've had fantasies of dumping a bunch of stuff on my guy's lawn at times   It's just a fantasy, because I would never really do it.  But, the feeling the fantasy gives me is strength in detachment which is what I need in the moment.  He doesn't have to know a thing about my fantasy.  I give myself the strength and validation of my very own experience, knowing that my feelings will also change once I've properly processed all of my emotions... .

Is there a little part of you that's hoping he'll realize what he's lost and come back?   

[RedCandle]

What the hell is your hang up with simply throwing the stuff in the trash? He obviously doesn't need any of the stuff. Keeping it is causing you to suffer. Put the stuff in a trash bag and toss it into the garbage. You will get over it.

Wow. Well, when I am able to develop robot-like functions void of years of emotion... . I will take this advice.

123Phoebe... . I have created my own noose with these things. I keep them... . and use them to fantasize about him coming back.

And he's not coming back.

But... . my wishful thinking continues and I have thrown away my dignity with it.

I have, in over two years, not made a single serious attempt to get over him.

I see this as an ACTION to do so.

So... . why not just trash it all? Because (1) some of these are important for both of us including his jacket and his AA chips and (2) I know I wont find relieve in knowing that things that I have valued... . are festering with garbage in my dumpster. That may help some people. Not me.

You're right... . I should probably wait.

But its been two years.

He's not going to get better and he's not coming back.

Meanwhile, his clothes occupy half my closet.

[123Phoebe]

(1) some of these are important for both of us including his jacket and his AA chips and (2) I know I wont find relieve in knowing that things that I have valued... . are festering with garbage in my dumpster. That may help some people. Not me.

Meanwhile, his clothes occupy half my closet.

Hmm, if his jacket and AA chips are really that important to him, wouldn't it make sense for him to have found a way to have gotten them by now?

When I divorced, exh moved to another state and left a ton of stuff in the house I was still living in.  He called asking me to send him xy and z.  I asked if he'd also like such and such.  He said no, not at this time, he didn't have the space to store it.  I told him that I would send xy and z and would toss the rest then, as my house wasn't his storage unit.  I'd be happy to send the rest in this shipment.  He tried to guilt me a little, but I stood firm... .  Want it or no?  Guess what?  The rest of his stuff wasn't very important to him.  I could have made it an ongoing connection (to him) if I really wanted to.  I didn't.  I was ready to move on... .  So, I put the rest to the curb.  

It was actually very emotionally cleansing.  And really, what he didn't take in the original move wasn't my responsibility to hold onto for even as long as I did.

Perhaps you might send an email asking if he'd like his jacket and AA chips and whatever else (of his) that's taking up space in your closet?  That you're redecorating (YOUR life, which needn't be mentioned ) and thought he might like his stuff back.

As far as the personal gifts he gave you, do your own thing with those... .  Leave him out of it though.  Those items hold personal value to you.  Find a way to detach significance to those things, and either enjoy wearing them, displaying them, donating them or figure out some other such way of letting go... . that doesn't involve him.

This is all about you, RedCandle

[RedCandle]

123... . when I read what everyone said this morning... . I ended up not sending it so I could think about what I'm doing a little bit.

I've come to realize that he could probably give a damn about this stuff... . that I'm doing this because I feel like I need to do it for me. So you're right... . if this jacket was very important to him... . he would have asked for it back. Then the truth would be: this jacket is very important to ME *because* it is HIS and has his name on it and was given to me before I moved four hours away so that (in his words) I would "never forget" him.

I cannot force myself to throw this jacket away. And the same goes for the AA chips or anything else. But yes, this is totally MY problem... . not his.

After our 7 months of no contact, I did ask him if he wanted this stuff back because it was hard for me to look at it. His response was that I could chose what to do with it... . but it was given as a "gift of love" and that he hoped I wouldn't get rid of it.

And *boom*... . I was emotionally attached to it all... . ALL over AGAIN.

I took everything out of the box that he cannot use again... . the jewelry specifically. I left everything that was his that I ended up owning.

He's not in my life and he's with other women.

Right now, I feel like taking out ANY note and just sealing it and shipping it.

[123Phoebe]

Right now, I feel like taking out ANY note and just sealing it and shipping it.

Then maybe this is exactly what you need to do for yourself.  And let it go at that.  If he contacts you after receiving the package, sit with your anxiety some more before responding

It sounds like you're taking some definite steps forward.  Taking back your life!

[RedCandle]

You know... . this is EXACTLY what I intend to do.

This is ridiculous. He ended this relationship over two years ago and I have kept his clothes because I get a breadcrumb every once in a while. And that's just beyond silly. And whether one sentence or 500... . I don't need to explain WHY it's going back to him... . and I don't need to keep staring at this damn box!

This is my priority on Monday morning. THANK YOU for helping me think through this!

[123Phoebe]

You thought of it all on your own, with a little help from your friends

Believe in yourself!