It's not your fault

[cal644]

It's been awhile since I posted on this sight - which is a good thing becuase I'm starting to move on with life again.  The other day I had a councilor tell me something that kinda helped me, he has mentioned this to me many times before but for some reason it stuck this time.  He told me "It's not your fault", with individuals who have had every type of abuse imaginable as a child they are wierd different, they don't know what a true mature love is, they don't know who they are and just flow with whoever gives them enough attention to fill that empty shell, that void, they do anything necessary to make it so that they can make it through one more day and so they feel needed for the moment.  So to all of you struggling, especially those who only showed your significant other love, support, nuturing, just remember "It's not your fault" - there is no way any single individual can constantly fill their void, when they don't know who they are, they don't know how to have a mature love, they don't love themselves.  It's not your fault!

[shaggysoul]

I went reading through some old emails between me and my ex today. They were all fights really. It really served to solidify the lack of rational thought on his side. He would be mad at me because I was visiting friends in another city and didn't text him "goodnight" one night which, in his mind, was definitive proof that I was cheating. This is after he ignored me for two weeks straight despite me asking him to spend a little time with me before my trip (3 times). His rage about not saying "goodnight" was so bizarre, especially how he would not let it slip after I apologized.

The other big thing I saw reading the emails was my desperate attempt to understand, my absolute willingness to figure out what he wanted and needed and what his boundaries were... . so that I could respect them and keep him happy. I clearly was fighting for a functional relationship. The problem was that his boundaries changed constantly and basically he found a reason to be mad at me fore everything and anything.

THat was not my fault.

I tried, I wanted a healthy relationship. I loved and was devoted.There is nothing to be ashamed of in that.

I wish he had done the same.

[Clearmind]

It’s not your fault! There is a reason why thought it was….what's your reason cal?

I tried, I wanted a healthy relationship. I loved and was devoted.There is nothing to be ashamed of in that.

I wish he had done the same.

Absolutely - it wasn't healthy and there is also reasons why we thought it was and why we were so devastated when we lost 'the one'!

[cal644]

The reason I think I thought it was at one time was because of her projection, like her saying if I was so good why did she even need to text her new "friend" so I did ask her why.  No response. She would say she didn't know who she was she was always just the person I wanted her to be.  But I never asked her to be or do anything. She would say you always told me how to do my hair, no she would ask and I would say I don't care what you do, I would love you even if you were bald, but she would keep on me all the time. Little things like that, the projection, the guilt trips had me questioning what I did wrong. Oh another one was she was texting him because I wouldn't sit by her during our daughters softball games.  I'm the coach.  Ugh

[pk]

Thanks so much for reminding me it is not my fault!  I feel responsible for his happiness even as we are separating. Unbelievable I know!  He keeps telling me he is nothing without me.  Forget all those times he cheated on me. . . . .  arrgghhh!

[cal644]

I wish I would get that all I receive is I'm happier than I have ever been. I'm with people who love me unconditionally, and love me for me.  But I do also get those other message I'm so sorry for everything past and present. I have low self esteem, my biggest regret is that you married me because I am a shell of a person.  Ugh, love hate

[Clearmind]

The reason I think I thought it was at one time was because of her projection, like her saying if I was so good why did she even need to text her new "friend" so I did ask her why.  No response. She would say she didn't know who she was she was always just the person I wanted her to be.  But I never asked her to be or do anything. She would say you always told me how to do my hair, no she would ask and I would say I don't care what you do, I would love you even if you were bald, but she would keep on me all the time. Little things like that, the projection, the guilt trips had me questioning what I did wrong. Oh another one was she was texting him because I wouldn't sit by her during our daughters softball games.  I'm the coach.  Ugh

The reasons are about you Cal not about her! We develop our relationship skills from early childhood.

[cal644]

Clear mind - explain what you meant by that.  Is it because I have good relationship skills that I learned growing up?  Is that why we suffer and take every attack as personal? Is that why we have such a hard time grasping it - going from God to Demon in a short period of time?  I guess it hurts becuase for 19 years I was all good, then bam I'm this horrible person (which I know is all projection) so could you please explain what you meant.  Thanks!

[winston72]

I am enjoying (hmmm... . benefiting from?) this thread tremendously.  Thank you.

Clearmind, I would like to echo Cal's request for you to clarify and explain your comment.  It struck a nerve in me... . guess I am overly sensitive!  But would appreciate your elaboration.

Cal, your account of the daily interactions such as her hair style, the insecurity/jealousy over a good-night text, etc. are so very helpful for me to read.  They are vignettes of my relationship.  In retrospect, these interactions ground away a sense of safety, trust, comfort, peace and joy.  Man, they were pebbles in my shoe, open blisters... . any such analogy for a slowly escalating irritant.  And it all makes me so very sad.  But these were the leaks in the dam that I tried, subconsciously for the most part, to plug or ignore.  Over time, and not very much time, I would be flooded, overwhelmed really, with feelings of despair and anxiety and inadequacy over my ability to make her happy and keep the relationship stable.  As I write this, I am seeing how I slid so easily into being responsible for things that were not my responsibility... . I would feel really badly that she felt insecure or jealous... . even though there was not one slight reason for her to feel that way.  But, I would feel badly about it.  I had difficulty separating myself from her in these ways... . I did seem to automatically absorb her feelings, let alone her projections.  I owned things that were not mine... . usually without realizing it, but sometimes consciously.  I often thought this was being loving and supportive.  Learning otherwise now!

[fromheeltoheal]

This thread reminded me of that great scene in Good Will Hunting between Matt Damon and Robin Williams; "It's not your fault!"

If the emotional atmosphere in our family of origin includes abuse, aloofness, or emotional distance from our caregivers, it can cause us to conclude we're not good enough or worthy of love.  We learn that we need to figure out how to act and behave to get love, since we aren't inherently worthy of it just for being.  So later, when we go through the BPD spin cycle and end up at devaluation, it triggers those primary core feelings, that we need to act a certain way, be a certain way, to get back to where we were during the idealization stage.  For me that included frantic scrambling around and a lot of defensiveness, having no clue why I suddenly couldn't do anything right and everything was my fault, as I watched any remaining confidence and self esteem evaporate.

So the god news?  It got so painful that I finally bailed, to her complete shock and bewilderment, because by then we were in two entirely different relationships.  As I've healed, I've come to accept that she is disordered and all of the BPD crap had nothing to do with me, but more importantly, I've begun to focus on my needs, and to focus on loving myself, which can sound like a platitude off a Hallmark card, but no really, like stare at yourself in the mirror and say I love you and mean it.  Profound.  And it's said that focusing on your own needs is selfish; well, we have to be selfish and take care of us so that we have something to give.  I've spent most of my life ignoring my own feelings so I can meet other's, with some kind of backhanded belief that mine will get met because of my benevolence.  Well, sometimes they will, sometimes they won't.

So moving forward I've met a few women who have displayed BPD traits, and I'm proud to report I've had zero tolerance for it.  Maybe I'm a bit jaded still, but NO ONE will get away with that sht again.  And I've overshot the mark when standing up for myself too, but hey, apologizing later is better than stuffing it.

So I've now developed a deep empathy for my BPD ex having learned about the disorder; her life is a living hell, which to me explains why she talked about suicide all the time.  And I now consider the whole experience very beneficial, it woke me up, the issues I've been 'working on' for decades stared me right in the face when enmeshed in BPD hell, and the subsequent anger motivated me.  I've grown a lot in the last year and life is getting really good, so thanks BPD, we get what we need in the strangest places sometimes, and no, it was not my fault.

[Emelie Emelie]

I watched Good Will Hunting with my XBPDBF and he had tears in his eyes at that part.  It's not their fault either. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I watched Good Will Hunting with my XBPDBF and he had tears in his eyes at that part.  It's not their fault either.  

You're right, it's probably their parent's, but not their fault either, probably their parent's, and if we go back far enough, some ape was probably the original culprit.  But it is their responsibility, and ours, to untangle disempowerment and dysfunction and heal, so we don't perpetuate it.  Or not.

[Clearmind]

Cal (and Winston) – I cannot comment on your individual relationship’s because I don’t know you nor was I in it. I am not suggesting its your fault – I am suggesting we have a role. This is not always easy to accept because we hurt. It takes time to first process the grief then work on us.

There are two people in a relationship and each is responsible for their own emotional health. My partner is not responsible for mine, nor my feelings/thoughts/actions and I am not responsible for his. Yet for whatever reason, and I know my reason we both reacted to one another – we both caused poor executive control in each other, we both had jealousy issues, abandonment issues and poor relationship skills.

Relationship skills are big ticket items in short: communication, conflict resolution, be accountable for your emotions and reactions, validate, openness about feelings, constructive attitude, learn to respond rather than react, choose words carefully. These skills are developed from a young age. I know for one that my own childhood dictated that these skills were lacking in my adult life.  These skills stem from not only gaining knowledge but also self worth.

We each got into this relationship for a reason – that reason existed before you met your ex. Find your reason and you will begin to detach from the toxic relationship – your partner is only part of the issue…

Cal, BPD is a pervasive pattern of behavior.

PERSPECTIVES: How we gained control of our lives - how others have processed their role and detached.

[cal644]

Clearmind - thanks for the clarification.  Here are some of the reasons my ex told me she fell out of love with me after 19 years of marriage.  First she told me it was when my brother got sick with cancer - since I was only giving her 100% instead of the normal 150% because I was dealing with my self and my brother.  She also told me that she hated everything we did at church.  Since I was outgoing and she was an introvert she hated doing activities with friends which we normally did twice a month.  I also grew up with great communication skills so I would like to talk about issues - where she would try to go into a shell, I would never yell scream or curse at her.  One of the things I did learn is that she mirrored me and became the person she thought I wanted her to be - I never asked her to be anyone I guess she just assumed I did.  The one thing that I know I could have done differently was to allow her to continue her affair - but I have my boundaries - I offered to forgive, I offered for councilling - but she refused to quit texting him, refused counciling, and continued to lie even when the truth was in black and white.  As for what attracted me - In highschool I found her beautiful, she was shy and I was outgoing - I thought I could make her life better - looking back there were so many signs red flags - but i was young and stupid back then.  The toughest part for me is when I asked her why she gave it all up for a texting relationship - her answer was I can't love you like you deserve to be loved, I know I am just your fill in wife until your real wife comes along, the shell of a person thing, how can I love you if I don't love myself - the list goes on and on and I'm sure we all heard similar things - she never would tell me an answer of what I did wrong - but she does blame me for filing - that was my mistake - but it got to the point where the lies and refusal to even find out what was goin on with counciling - I thought - I can't do this - plus the last thing is I cannot live in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life - I deserve better and I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them.

[Xtrange]

Thanks so much for reminding me it is not my fault!  I feel responsible for his happiness even as we are separating. Unbelievable I know!  He keeps telling me he is nothing without me.  Forget all those times he cheated on me. . . . .  arrgghhh!

I feel the same, even after separation, I feel responsible!

[Clearmind]

Everyone mirrors especially those with low self worth - this is not a BPD "trait" its a human trait.

Cal, I am assuming you want to know if she is BPD?

Are you aware of the criteria? DSM IV has been replaced with DSM V and we no longer go by the 9 criteria (of which 5 need to be met to be diagnosed BPD). To be diagnosed under the DSM V a person must have impairments in self functioning AND impairments in interpersonal functioning.

Pervasive patterns means that a person with BPD would present with intense feelings, excessive dependency, frequent feelings of depressiveness, sense of urgency/Impulsivity, persistent or frequent angry feelings.

More information on DSM V here... . - worth the read.