I miss him... ever feel like you made up this whole BPD thing?

[Candace30]

I'm just venting now because I don't have anyone else to talk to about this... .  

I really miss my BPD ex.  We've been separated now for a couple of months.  We still talk sporadically on the phone.  It's usually just him "checking in" to say hi.  Conversations usually last no more than 10-15 minutes. 

At least I'm happy that we were able to end things amicably.  I guess in a way you can say that I've "won" (if there's such a thing as winning/losing) when it comes to BPD relationships.  I got out before it could take too much of an emotional toll on me.  We ended things on good terms.  I'm trying to move on.  I have several guys interested in me and I've gone on some dates.

I really miss my ex though.  I was looking at his facebook photos and posts and he looks so NORMAL.  He looks so happy, healthy, well rounded, and again NORMAL.  Makes me wonder if I made the whole BPD thing up.  But I know I didn't.  He even admitted to me that he believes he is BPD. 

When I see his pics and posts, it just makes me want to give it one more chance.  Even though I know I was wildly unhappy with him, miserable even.  I spent more days crying over his emotional abuse (silent treatments, fights and rages whenever I asserted my needs, push/pull behavior, CONSTANTLY undermining the relationship, controlling behavior - everything had to be on his terms, emotionally immaturity, inability to meet my needs... . ) then I spent happy.

In spite of this, I miss him SOO much.  I've begun writing a book of poetry to help me to get over him.  Really awful poetry.  Lol.  But writing is still therapeutic for me. 

Am I insane to miss him so much?

I find myself pushing the other guys away that are interested in me because I miss him.  Nice guys.  Handsome guys.  Guys that are probably a lot more emotionally healthier for me than him.  Why?  Because I miss him.  And it's difficult for me to imagine myself building a life with someone else when I've dreamed for so long of building my life with him.   

Am I crazy?  What's wrong with me?

I really miss him.     

[SweetCharlotte]

This is exactly what the "block" button on Facebook is meant for.

If you are serious about getting over him, block him.

Of course when you see his posts and photos, it is a spectacle that he controls. I'm sure it's very seductive and you don't need that.

Do you really need to speak with him for those 10-15 minutes once in a while? You could be paying for this with your rumination time as well. Your time is precious and it doesn't belong to him anymore; he's had more than his share.

My uBPDh puts up an excellent front on Facebook. I should know, I'm part of his "cover lifestyle," supplying him with good-Dad photos that he stages with my kids. And the 10-15 minute monthly phone call? I know he did that to his ex until shortly before he started up with me. It is a ploy to keep one more female in a holding pattern in case he needs a quick recycle. She finally let it be known by the annoyed tone of her voice that she didn't welcome it and he stopped.

[Ittookthislong]

no i miss my ex terribly, and i think i made it up sometimes, and then sometimes i think im the crazy one.

a part of me thinks that its almost easier under the surface to think either we made it up or its us with the problem, because then there would be something fixable, something that could work. i look for evidence that im the disordered one and friends and my therapist keep telling me theres no thing wrong with me (other than a sort of ptsd paranoia/depression). But somewhere if it was my fault, i know i miss him enough that id be willing to fix whatever it is, and then things could be different.

for me the idea that there is nothing i can do, no control over it, or him i guess in a wierd way is much scarier under the surface. it doesnt seem to satisfy something in me. its a scary idea to go into the future knowing you could be happy again, let your guard down again, and it could happen again. i dont want to believe this is true because how will i ever trust again with th e idea that its possible for me to feel this way all over with someone else.

so in response to your venting, i doubt you made it up. when you miss him you may subconsiously cling to the idea that you made it up and look for evidence of that so theres hope. its such a strange feeling to realize you have no option but to accept the pain. the brgaining phase of grieving i think thats what it is.

thing is, i know i put effort into my relationships and i have to ask myself whether or not i would ever leave someone with the feeling that they had done something wrong. i dont think i would under ANY normal circumstances. from my perspective its manditory to talk things through and work together and if things dont work out seperate their stuf from mine, leave having both people understand whats going on. without that i feel as helpless as a kid, like i wasnt even in the relationship enough to have a voice. What im trying to say is that, from my perspective at least, you and everyone deserve that. a person willing to work just as hard to make you happy and at ease both in the relationship and try to at least in its demise. I cant really come up with the excuse for anyone who doesnt do this, who leaves you feeling that unfinished business feeling. BPD or not that isnt right to keep someone hooked that way and this seems to happen a lot to people on this board and seems to be why people have become stuck.

... . but i do understand missing them. your not alone at all. take care

[simplyasiam]

hello i thinks it normal the way you feel, its ok. im in the same place for the most part, feel same way. i went 32 day N/C with her we strarted talking again.after a week of on and off talking i chickened out told her couldnt talk to her anymore. that was a week ago today. today she txt then called. we talked for two hours.

i can tell the drinking is geting to her and depression is seting back in.

she cant make up her mind what she wants or where she wants to be.

by the morning this could all change and she may be back to never wanting to talk to me again

the coming and going is something we must learn to live with or walk away.

[Candace30]

Yeah, I think I'm going to have to go NC.  But to be honest with you, NC doesn't make me feel any better either.  I feel like I'm STUCK.  I'm unhappy with him in my life, but I'm also unhappy with him NOT in my life.  Go figure. 

But I was happy before I ever met him.  So perhaps I wish I could undo the last 3 years.  I would give anything to make these feelings go away.  I hate feeling this way.  I feel like I am not in control, and I don't like being not in control.

One of the other guys I'm talking to asked me out to a movie tonight but I declined.  I don't even really trust my judgement anymore when it comes to dating.  I'm wondering if someone is wrong with this other man, that hasn't been revealed to me yet.  After all, if I'm "unhealthy", wouldn't it make sense that I would attract another unhealthy partner.  This guy sounds REALLY disappointed whenever I decline to go out with him.  I wonder if that's a red flag.  Or maybe he just likes me a lot.  I don't know... .

I hate missing my ex this much but I know these feelings will past.  There's really nothing for me to do except to just allow myself to go through the natural process of grieving the loss of the relationship.  :'( 

 

[HealingSlowly]

Candace,

This part of your post nails it all, in my experience:

(silent treatments, fights and rages whenever I asserted my needs, push/pull behavior, CONSTANTLY undermining the relationship, controlling behavior - everything had to be on his terms, emotionally immaturity, inability to meet my needs... . )

I miss my ex still all the time. I have wondered a zillion times if I am imagining it all. I went through the internalization phase - was it me somehow? - and picked apart every one of my human flaws (which were also pointed out to me by my ex!).  I am not perfect. We all have issues, but your list above ... . it was all there for me. Not in the good times but then it was, I now see, too good to be true. And only if everything was on his terms!

I hear you, though. We know all of this but BPD is so crazy-making because it is crazy. It changes so quickly but when we can finally get to the place of saying this is how I feel and these are the patterns and I do not this kind of thing ... . you list above ... . it is time to move on. I am still now sure how. I'm only 7 months out of this and the first few were all about push/pull and the push was seriously inhumane, like there had been no hurt done and I would be there and to be thrown away again. without a thought. and then some contact for a bit and then i changed my number. it was hard. but he still shows up on email and last time, one month ago, i did not respond. it was about a professional thing, we are in the same kind of job, but it had nothing to with that. the message was so loaded with emotional manipulation and as usual no acknowledgment of any motive or reason for suddenly showing up again. as if this is normal!

But he will return, he always does, unless I guess he meets someone else and I am no longer needed. I now know that what he needs is never me as a person with a heart and history with him. It is only about him. I have resisted coming to this point because I still do not want to believe it. But your list was the pattern over and over and over again and with a total lack of empathy (unless for his gain at moments and that is not empathy) and honestly, at times inhumane cruelty as though I am not a human being and he doesn't know me at all.

Feel for you. Hope this helps. Not sure how or when it ends completely and maybe it never does. I am learning there will never be closure and only that I have to be okay without him.

[Candace30]

God HealingSlowly, you and I have a lot in common.  Mine also contacts me about work related stuff.  Well, under the guise of work related stuff but it has nothing to do with work.  And there is some emotional manipulation in there. 

He also does does the inhumane pushing thing you mentioned.  I can honestly say that this has been the first relationship I've been in where I can honestly say that I am "fault free" in its demise.  I've loved him truly, deeply unconditionally, always been there for him, NEVER hurt him.  But his "pushes" are so inhumane and deliberate.  And childish! 

Like, last month!  Just to give you some background, I'm studying for the bar exam.  In a way, I think he resents me taking the bar because this is the first thing that I've done during the course of our 3 year relationship that has been solely for me.  He knows that I want to make some changes in my life and elevate myself.  I've been spending the last 3 years helping to build HIS businesses.  But now I'm going to become licensed to practice law so I can build my own. 

So, long story short, he calls me up one night last month and says, "I know you're studying.  I know you're stressed.  Why don't you come out and take a study break with me?"  He invites me to this karaoke bar to have a drink.  I agree, get dressed, and meet him up there.  When I get there, he completely ignores me and starts DELIBERATELY flirting with this girl right in my face and she's flirting right back with him.  He's touching her leg, telling her how beautiful she is, and he even starts hugging up on her from behind at one point.  So, I get up, walk out, and go home. 

When I get home, I call him to tell him how angry I am.  He gets defensive, argues back at me and then hangs up in my face.  Then he spends the rest of the night pretending that the girl from the karaoke bar and her friends are at his place.  He even pretends that she has his cell phone and is texting me.  He texts me (pretending to be her), "If he's your man, why don't you drive over here right now and fight for him?"  We go back and forth like this until 5 a.m.  Finally, I break up with him.  I'm tired.  I'm emotionally distraught,and I've lost a night of studying.

The next morning he calls and tells me that the girl was never at his place, and that he did all of this because he "wanted to get a reaction out of me and make me mad".     Mind you, this is a 33 (soon to be 34) and highly intelligent man. 

So, why do I miss him again?  Even as I was typing that, I realize how insane this sounds.  Insane and incredibly immature.  And I have a lot more stories like this.  And even in spite of this, I have still found myself questioning MYSELF and asking, "Is it me?"   

I just made a list of all of the bad things that happened in the relationship.  I think if I read this list every time I miss him or feel weak, it might make me miss him less and make it easier to move on.  Perhaps I'll read the list every day.           

[HealingSlowly]

Candace,

I finally figured out how to see if anyone replied to any of my posts and how to reply back!  . I am so new to this site - only a couple of days. But already I've logged quite a few hours ... . but better than the other hours spent doing whatever in this transition phase! (writing in my journal going over the same stuff trying to figure out the impossible, google searches, what can I find on Facebook, you name it). OMG, I wish I had found this site earlier but somehow I was onto bipolar and not BPD (with bipolar perhaps). ... . But even that is not entirely true. I did look up stuff but I thought no, it cannot be.

I did not want it to be true but also did not trust myself. NOW, I could not be any more certain that my ex is BPD.

It is still soo hard, though. There is no diagnosis. It is a minefield in every part of my life. How to even begin explaining this stuff and why I was in it and stayed. But I'm so glad I found this site. I have to keep processing and this is a gift. Every post and response is a gift. Thank you... .

And if I can say ... . what's also a gift is that I can read posts here, and yours included, and be OBJECTIVE, as I can't or rather could not in my own situation - I am getting better at being more objective about my own situation, I mean. So when I read your post about your ex making contact and you going and hanging out and his behavior and your reaction,... my objective reaction is: bad news. But my experience with this is: I totally get it. Totally.

And we do have things in common. My ex and I are in the same field. He is more advanced than me professionally but there is no competition in terms of "intelligence." The sad part, for me, or one of the sad parts, and you will understand, is that I helped HIM as he is more advanced and I do not have the same opportunities for advancement. I read his stuff, I gave advice on his public speeches (which he always took), etc. Did he help me in my career. NO. Not at all. Did he support me in anything finally? NO. I gave and gave and gave and he wanted my "help" but it was turned against me. As though I was now being patronizing or, when it came to the support I needed, too needy. I can't believe I let this go as I did!

And the so-called "work" emails. LOADED. He says it's all about work or the message pretends to me. It is a joke. The last email was not like anything I have seen professionally in my lifetime. It does not even exist in the normal world. If I showed it to my colleagues who know we were a couple and what he wrote about and how he phrased it to me, they'd think he was insane.

And yet I still question and protect him. Who wouldn't wonder what the hell I was doing in that relationship! Part of the crazy-making. So I never say a bad thing, professionally. And yet I also know the story out there is that I was dumped. It is infuriating. I want to rage and say NO, you don't understand.

But who could. Even I don't. I just know. And I am lucky to have a couple of people close to me who know, and yet they don't know BPD like I do. They have not lived it as I have. ... .

As for lists, just to remind myself, I made so many over the months. And then? I wouldn't trust myself. I thought the lists were delusional. Now? I wish I had kept them all. In the last while I've made another one and keep adding to it. Just so I remember. I found myself not remembering the whole picture somehow. I found myself obsessing about the "last thing" he did and working through that, rather than putting that "last thing" into the bigger picture.

It is still so hard. I think, though, that the no contact, which I have made "clear," is working - for now. It has only been a month and I fully expect he will show up again, somehow and in some way, as usual. But I couldn't take it anymore and know I can't. Each and every time I would engage - at first see him and then later just respond on email or text - it put me right back to the horrible and even horror. I can't take it anymore. If he called me tomorrow and said I've got help, I'm diagnosed, I'm on meds, it was always you... . it's not that I don't wish this would happen, I just know it will not!

All best, and make and keep a list and read it whenever in doubt! It's all there!   

[DreamFlyer99]

Candace and HealingSlowly... .

I've been in a long term r/s with my uBPD husband, and as crazy as it sounds, they can sure seem "normal" between their outbursts/tantrums/whatever you want to call it.  I've questioned myself many times about what was going on, was I imagining it? did I really feel abused or did I read into it? and on and on. Plus, kinda the goal in a relationship is to be bonded with the other person, so of course we don't want to believe things are just what they look like, extremely dysfunctional!

I know this doesn't really help other than to say "I feel ya on this one"... . I think the list idea is really smart so that you can remind yourself of what's true of the relationship. And know that grieving takes time, and maybe your heart just isn't ready to go there yet, Candace. and that's okay, give yourself time to heal, and read up so you know what the traits are you're drawn to in a partner and what you maybe mistook in the BPD guy for the thing you're really drawn to, yunno?

Isn't it lovely though to come here and finally NOT feel crazy for a while? With so many similar experiences it sure does validate that there's something in this BPD thing! I know I feel less crazy than I have in years. And you 2 are so much wiser so much sooner, I only started really looking at things in the past couple of years to realize they weren't what I thought my marriage was going to be, and I've been married for 37 years!

Talk about a late bloomer, that's me!

[DreamFlyer99]

Just found a link that applies to a lot of what you are saying:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf