Detaching from BPD Wife

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was previously posting on the 'Staying' board, but have come to the realization that was likely wishful thinking.  To re-cap, my diagnosed BPD wife (classic waif w/ hermit features at times) of 1.5 years announced she wanted a divorce about five or six weeks ago.  I was crushed, and still am, by the swiftness with which she moved... . cleared everything belonging to her out of the house and moved in with family (bouncing b/w an aunt and her mother as I understand it).  She made a dramatic attempt to re-engage/reconcile a little more than a week after leaving, but quickly pulled that rug out as well.  We have had very little contact, just short e-mails and texts, over the last month.

Besides the sudden and immediate loss of someone I thought would be with me forever, I have struggled immensely with the guilt she has laid on me... . she claims the whole reason she is leaving is that I was emotionally unavailable through most of our marriage.  This is rough, because on the one hand, I feel like I did my damnedest to attend to each daily drama, real or imagined, she found herself immersed in; conversely, I guess I feel there is a shred of truth to what she says in that during the course of our marriage I was dealing with the trauma of watching my mom pass away after a long bout with cancer.  My wife was helpful during much of this time, but shortly after my mom died (on Thanksgiving), we had our first split as she briefly left the home to live with her sister (and engage in an emotional affair with a long-standing creep she likely has on her recycle button).  We got through that, and as you'd probably guess, our relationship rebounded incredibly, and the next six months were bliss... . until, well, the bottom dropped out again and she left.

Being the classic waif, and me being co-dependent and a sucker for the guilt, until recently I continued to support her financially, leaving money for her at the house and paying for a car (in my name) I bought for a week before she left.  All the while, she remains unemployed (despite a college degree), which she's been for most of the 3.5 years I've known her.  I suppose I was chasing a white split with this enabling, thinking she'd come back around.  But I finally got my head on straight and served her with divorce papers first--lawyers, family and friends all said I must cut her off, and I'm starting to listen.

I have a support system of friends and family, though my biggest fan (my mom) is no longer here.  But all this trauma in 7-8 months time is overwhelming.  I have a T, who is capable, but I am still in the early going and really struggling mightily with all of this.

[Hazelrah]

I was previously posting on the 'Staying' board, but have come to the realization that was likely wishful thinking.  To re-cap, my diagnosed BPD wife (classic waif w/ hermit features at times) of 1.5 years announced she wanted a divorce about five or six weeks ago.  I was crushed, and still am, by the swiftness with which she moved... . cleared everything belonging to her out of the house and moved in with family (bouncing b/w an aunt and her mother as I understand it).  She made a dramatic attempt to re-engage/reconcile a little more than a week after leaving, but quickly pulled that rug out as well.  We have had very little contact, just short e-mails and texts, over the last month.

Besides the sudden and immediate loss of someone I thought would be with me forever, I have struggled immensely with the guilt she has laid on me... . she claims the whole reason she is leaving is that I was emotionally unavailable through most of our marriage.  This is rough, because on the one hand, I feel like I did my damnedest to attend to each daily drama, real or imagined, she found herself immersed in; conversely, I guess I feel there is a shred of truth to what she says in that during the course of our marriage I was dealing with the trauma of watching my mom pass away after a long bout with cancer.  My wife was helpful during much of this time, but shortly after my mom died (on Thanksgiving), we had our first split as she briefly left the home to live with her sister (and engage in an emotional affair with a long-standing creep she likely has on her recycle button).  We got through that, and as you'd probably guess, our relationship rebounded incredibly, and the next six months were bliss... . until, well, the bottom dropped out again and she left.

Being the classic waif, and me being co-dependent and a sucker for the guilt, until recently I continued to support her financially, leaving money for her at the house and paying for a car (in my name) I bought for a week before she left.  All the while, she remains unemployed (despite a college degree), which she's been for most of the 3.5 years I've known her.  I suppose I was chasing a white split with this enabling, thinking she'd come back around.  But I finally got my head on straight and served her with divorce papers first--lawyers, family and friends all said I must cut her off, and I'm starting to listen.

I have a support system of friends and family, though my biggest fan (my mom) is no longer here.  But all this trauma in 7-8 months time is overwhelming.  I have a T, who is capable, but I am still in the early going and really struggling mightily with all of this.

[Validation78]

Hi Hazelrah!

I'm sorry for your losses, both your Mom and your relationship. That's a lot to handle, and I hope you will reach out to those who love you for emotional support. You are fortunate that you have loved ones around you! I don't recommend reaching out to your pwBPD for support as she likely will not be able to fill that need.

Sounds like you are still caught up in what we call FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) which makes it harder to detach. When you take the focus off of your pwBPD and place it on yourself by taking care of your own needs above the needs of another, you will start to see things more clearly.

You experienced what is very common in pwBPD, that being cyclical behavior. Some pwBPD have the ability to cover up their inclinations to behave in the unhealthy manners we are all familiar with, however, without the therapy that is specifically designed to help them, it is unlikely that they can cover up forever on their own. The cycles are bound to repeat over and over!

I'm glad to hear that you are seeing a T. Please make use of the resources available here on the site, perhaps starting with The Lessons to your right. They really helped me to understand what I was going through. I would also recommend getting yourself into some sort of regiment to point you in the right healing direction. Exercise, eating properly, reaching out to friends, fun activities, stepping out of your normal routine etc. are great ways to start taking control of your life and coming to terms with the changes that you are making, not to mention posting and reading here!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Hazelrah]

Thank you, Val.  I've been here for a few weeks and have become acquainted with a lot of valuable info here--it's a wonderful site.  Furthermore, I started doing a lot of research on BPD when my wife was first diagnosed back in February... . I wanted to learn the tools to make sure I was interacting with her in the right manner.  She's been in targeted therapy herself since around April/May (she'd previously been diagnosed as bipolar II by a prior therapist).  I know that's a considerably short period of time in regards to the treatment of any mental illness, let alone BPD, but I can't help feeling resentful that she is suddenly seeking treatment for her disorder and throwing in a divorce at the same time.  The FOG keeps me wondering if this is all really some grand 'realization' for her, or simply the latest impulse she throws herself into until she inevitably hits a wall and looks for something else to run into. 

I am slowly starting to take better care of myself and engage in enjoyable activities again--it was nigh impossible the first couple weeks.  Think I'm simply in that withdrawal phase right now.

[Hazelrah]

Still waiting to see what separated wife has to say about my having filed divorce papers first. I'm sure she never envisioned me being able to do that... . still not sure if it was the right thing to do, however.  Then again, I need to remember to consider whether it was the right thing for me, as opposed to the right thing for a potentially dying relationship.

In reading about so many peoples' experiences, I'm starting to wonder about the influence of her new therapist and her sister, who is in the midst of a complicated divorce of her own.  W's latest push came just as she started to bond with her new T and just as her sister became entwined in a secretive, dramatic relationship of her own.  I'd suppose a skilled BPD would be able to provide a skewed picture of a painted black spouse to a less-than savvy therapist, thus gaining some sort of validation for her feelings?  And I'd also suppose seeing her sister involved in a deranged new relationship with a married bi-polar bi-sexual also might also provide some sort of thrill as well.  The strange thing is that just prior to our separation, her sister was split entirely black--she'd even experienced an unusual rage at her mere days before... . and I'd been white as a cloud as I'd supported her in her battle against her sibling.  Those roles changed in 48 hours.

What has been so difficult to fathom is how ghost-like she's been in the last month... . and one thing I found to be incredibly chilling was the fact that, upon clearing our house of her things (while I was off at work), she made a point to carefully remove each and every picture of us, including all of our wedding pictures.  I hardly doubt she kept them, that would not fit in with her current mix of distance and anger.  I get the idea of them erasing you from their mind, but this seemed to have been done very deliberately in reverse.