How common is it for a pwBPD to cheat? Can they help themselves?

[LivingTheNightmare]

So i've been doing some thinking, and I realise that looking back on my relationship there were a lot of unexplained things that happened which would be easily explained now by infidelity... . unfortunately.

My exuBPD has, as with most it would seem, found someone else already and cheated on me once, that I know of, but it took a lot of arguments before that one finally came out... .

I wonder, if she was cheating all along? There was one time, we didn't make love for 3 weeks... . most people would take that as a sign of cheating but I trusted her and never thought it would happen again. In hindsight, with the fact that she has moved on so quickly, it seems quite likely that she managed to do it behind my back. I spent some time living away from my hometown, for work, and during this time her jealousy hit maximum. Possibly projection? She had a random fella stay over hers one night which seems dodgy looking back on it now... . and she would do the whole 'I'm going to bed, don't want to talk tonight' thing on Facebook, but still be posting 2 or 3 hours later, would make me wonder just who she was talking to 3 hours after apparently going to bed.

I also always found it strange how it was that guys would always swarm around her, especially when I was away... . sure enough she was beautiful, but they acted as if she were single all the time (and if she was in fact 'single' due to a breakup, she wasn't making any effort to keep guys away... . hardly surprising when you look at the end)

So how common is it for them to cheat? Is it harder for them to control themselves? Especially when it's the prospect of different guy each time?

Is a BPD partner honestly likely to ever be 'yours' completely, both physically and emotionally? Is it it truly never enough for them?

Needless to say, this realisation coupled with recent events is enough to have made me think... . and I think there's very little chance of ever getting back what I used to have... . especially as it all now seems so... . fake :/

Were those positive feelings still genuine if she had been sleeping with other men for say... . half the relationship? I need to take a break, my head is swimming from all of this 

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Living,

     Sexual promiscuity is one of the defing traits of the disorder, as described in the DSM.  That doesn't mean that every pwBPD does it or that if someone is promiscuous there is some required degree of unfaithfulness, of course.  The pwBPD id a "p" first of all, i.e., a person; and every person is different.  Having said that, it is difficult logistically to be promiscuous (if that is part of the particular pwBPD's pattern) and be faithful at the same time. 

     The second question is actually more interesting, as it's a bit harder.  Can they help themselves? If you mean can they just stop being unfaithful if they choose to, I think the answer is "Of course not".  Can you change your sexual orientation if you choose to? Can you just change your mind, even, about being hurt by this r/s? (Would you be here if you could?) The point here is we all need to quit being angry about what a mentally ill person does.  We don't hate people who are blind, yet in the end these folks are just blind in a different way.  They're emotionally blind to what we know as love.  I'd, personally, much rather be visually blind than never to be able to feel real love.

     On the other hand, if you mean can they help themselves get better, the answer probably is "They are the only people who can help them get better".  If they want help there is actually a reasonable chance they can be "cured" over time.  I don't know what percentage of the BPD population actually enter therapy per year, but I'll bet it's pretty small; and, of course, entering numbers are less than percentage completing therapy.  Finally, completing therapy might not mean "cure" by the definition we would like to see either.  It's something we should all pray a bit for I think.

LT

[SweetCharlotte]

If you are looking for raw data, my uBPDh has never cheated on anyone as far as I know.

He engages in other forms of disloyalty that can be very painful. However, he prides himself on being faithful (no "physical affairs" in relationships.

Although it does tend to accompany BPD, promiscuity/infidelity is not necessarily a part of any one pwBPD's repertoire.

[LivingTheNightmare]

I'm completely lost and confused right now tbh... . I don't know if she has BPD and has been cheating all along, or if she's just manipulated me and controlled me for the last 3 years and I've been too naive to see it :s

Time to move on I think, it's doing my head in... .

But no I meant can they help themselves when the opportunity arises? Or is it a lot harder for them to say now? She had an endless supply of male attention... .

[LivingTheNightmare]

The more I find out, the less I understand... . I'm starting to think that I will never understand to be honest... .

[nyfit1]

 My currently exBPDgf (status changes almost daily now) bug claim to fame was that she never lied ever, which is crazy to sayvto begin with, and that she has never been unfaithful to anyone even though she admitted to me that she had an emotional affair with her xhusbands friend.

Last year when things were rough I told her if she wanted to see other people for a while then just let me know. She swore she didnt and then told me the usually bs about loving me (actually has told me she loves me more than her teenage kids, sick). I felt something was up cause she was too calm. I did a search that night and there she was on the first site I looked with a week old profile pic that I actually took. I didn't call her. I waited til next day at work. Sucks working with her. I didn't have time to see her in morning cause I was running late. She accused me if avoiding her and she snapped on me. Then I threw the site news in her face. It was like a short circuit. Profusely denied it, then said it was old profile, told her pic was new but profile old. Profile said she is still looking for mr right. How do u like that. After a few minutes she was able to come up with bs. She said she didn't lie when I asked her if she wanted to date. She said she really doesn't but our unstable relationship made her do it. Can u believe that.

Bottom line is she can justify anything. Plus if feelings equal facts for her than all it would take to cheat is to feel that I'm cheating and she'll do it just to get even. U can't win.

[LivingTheNightmare]

I personally get the impression that they cheat for the same reason they rebound quickly - their jealousy is so bad that they feel if they do it first, then if (when) you do it to them, they've already beat you to it... . maybe that makes it easier for them to cope with the impending doom that they're so certain the relationship will end in?

[papawapa]

The ones that cheat do it for the endorphin rush. It is a coping mechanism that relieves their inner pain. My ex once admitted to me that she felt "loved" when some new random guy she just met and didn't know had sex with her. It makes them feel powerful and in control to seduce someone.

[nevaeh]

My uBPD husband has always had issues revolving around sex.  We have been together 23 years, married 18.

H has had several affairs.  Only one (that I know of) was an actual physical and emotional affair.  He was deployed to Iraq for a year and he had an affair with his commanding officer (he was a major at the time, she was a lt colonel).  They developed quite the relationship while he was gone.  I found out about 3 weeks after he got home by installing keylogging software on the computer.  They had been emailing and had talked about how much they loved each other and how they would both divorce their spouses and move closer to each other so they could be married (we don't live in the same state).  They exchanged graphic pictures of themselves which I (unfortunately) saw.  When I confronted him about the affair he was first mad that I "spied" on him.  Then when I told him I wanted him to leave he had a breakdown... . crying, apologizing, the works... . promising it didn't mean anything and that he loved me and that it would never happen again.  Our kids were d7, s5, and s1 at the time.  Despite contacting a lawyer I never moved ahead with the divorce and we struggled for at least 3 years to get past that time in our lives.

Prior to the above affair, he engaged in "cyber" affairs with at least two other women that I know of.  I found email correspondence that he had printed out with one of those women.  Typical X-rated stuff.  I was pregnant with my middle son at that time.  Again, he was mad because I had spied on him but also told me I shouldn't be upset because it wasn't "really" an affair since they never slept together (that I know of). 

He had (and probably still does) an addiction to porn-movies and online.  I also discovered he was cross dressing several years ago.  He had a large "collection" of women's lingerie and sex toys that he thought I didn't know about.  I didn't know what to do with that information so I never said anything to him until after he returned from Iraq when I was basically throwing everything I had at him. 

H is highly dependent on sex as a way to feel needed and loved.  He will isolate himself after work for several nights on end, not engaging in any type of conversation with me or the kids, but when we go to bed he immediately grabs my breast, which his his way of saying he wants sex.  I have told him time and again that grabbing my breast when he hasn't spoken to me all day really isn't the best way to seduce me, but yet he continues to do it.  He keeps track of when we have sex (which honestly isn't all that much - I try to give in at least once per week to avoid fights and him pouting).  We have fights and "long conversations" about our sex life.  He blames his anger and temper tantrums/breaking things on the fact that he is sexually frustrated and deprived (so it's my fault that he loses his temper).  A few weeks ago we had a fight about sex and he told me that he is done trying to make our marriage work and that the only way it will work is if I start giving him more sex.  I am supposed to disconnect the emotions from the sex so that I'm just having sex (this is what he said I needed to do since I told him it's difficult to want to have sex with someone you aren't feeling emotionally connected to).  Then two nights later he is "seducing" me, we have sex, and all is good again.  He's all cuddly and loving afterwards and I just want him off of me.  I highly resent the sex component of our marriage for a ton of reasons.

So, back to your original question, in my experience it's a given that my H will cheat.  Whether it is a physical/emotional affair or "just" a cyber affair, he will cheat.  I don't even care anymore, which I find sad.  He made a joke the other night about taking our boys (S12 and S8) to the adult bookstore to find something to buy for me... . I had asked if he could take the boys to do something fun on his day off and they are on summer vacation.  His "joke" really was a joke, but it was the most inappropriate joke I could even imagine... . disgusting, actually.  I think he might have realized it after he said it, but really?  He is just sick.

Can they help themselves?  Well that is an interesting question.  In my situation, I'm not sure he really can, despite the fact that he is "aware" of what he is doing and he has learned to cover his tracks well.  I have realized after all of these years that his sexual deviancy/needs are a huge part of who he is and he can only deny himself from fulfilling his needs for so long before he has to get his release.  I know that he had the affair in Iraq because he needed someone to help him with his "needs".  He needed someone to be emotionally attached to (since I and the kids weren't there) and he needed an outlet for his physical needs as well.  Doesn't make it right but I think I understand how/why it happened.  I don't think he would have another physical/emotional affair because he believes for certain that is a deal breaker for me.  No matter about all of the emotional abuse that he throws at me... . him having an affair would be the last straw.  In reality, the BPD stuff is what makes me hate him.  When I think back to all that I and the kids have endured over the past 18 years I just get plain angry. 

The sex related stuff just makes me sick and repulsed.  He tells me that "normal" wives want to watch porn movies and have that type of sex with their husbands.  He tells me that I am a prude and that I am selfish for not wanting to perform certain sexual acts with him or because I don't want to "make a movie" or because I don't want him to tie me up.  When we had our fight a few weeks ago he also told me that I am the messed up one, and that if we split up I need to figure out what my "problem" is or I am never going to be able to make any future men in my life happy either due to my lack of interest in sex.  I'm sorry if this is TMI, but as I type it out I realize how wrong and abusive this aspect of our marriage is.  But yet, I start to believe him and wonder if I was able to give him more sex that just maybe he would be better and we could find a happier marriage.  Logically I know this is not true and that he has exhibited his BPD behaviors even when  I was actively trying to please him and his needs as a way of getting him to quit some of his other deviant behaviors.  It doesn't matter what I do, he is who he is.

Sorry for the long response but this is a huge issue in our marriage.  I actually wish he WOULD go have an affair and that I would find out about it because then there would be a clear-cut reason to leave and he wouldn't be able to put the end of our marriage completely on me.

[Saffron2]

Is a BPD partner honestly likely to ever be 'yours' completely, both physically and emotionally? Is it it truly never enough for them?

Speaking from my own experience, I think the answer is probably no.  My husband (I don't know exactly what he is, but he's floating along the cluster B spectrum somewhere) has cheated off and on in the past, and has had a LTR with a BPD woman for the past couple of years. He gets bored easily, and feels empty inside, so he's looking for something to fill him.  I guess having affairs does the trick. He's definitely not doing this because of lack of sex at home - I'm always ready and willing; it's he who rarely ever wants to have sex with me.

As far as the emotional stuff goes, it's like pulling teeth to get anything out of him. I feel like I've always been carrying the bulk of the load in our r/s, but regardless of what I do, it's not possible to fill that black hole of need.  I've been silly enough to try in the past, but now realize that it's like trying to fill the grand canyon with dirt, one teaspoon at a time, and in the process I've lost myself to a point where I hardly know who I am anymore.

[Sunny2013]

My uBPD husband has always had issues revolving around sex.  We have been together 23 years, married 18.

H has had several affairs.  Only one (that I know of) was an actual physical and emotional affair.  He was deployed to Iraq for a year and he had an affair with his commanding officer (he was a major at the time, she was a lt colonel).  They developed quite the relationship while he was gone.  I found out about 3 weeks after he got home by installing keylogging software on the computer.  They had been emailing and had talked about how much they loved each other and how they would both divorce their spouses and move closer to each other so they could be married (we don't live in the same state).  They exchanged graphic pictures of themselves which I (unfortunately) saw.  When I confronted him about the affair he was first mad that I "spied" on him.  Then when I told him I wanted him to leave he had a breakdown... .  crying, apologizing, the works... .  promising it didn't mean anything and that he loved me and that it would never happen again.  Our kids were d7, s5, and s1 at the time.  Despite contacting a lawyer I never moved ahead with the divorce and we struggled for at least 3 years to get past that time in our lives.

Prior to the above affair, he engaged in "cyber" affairs with at least two other women that I know of.  I found email correspondence that he had printed out with one of those women.  Typical X-rated stuff.  I was pregnant with my middle son at that time.  Again, he was mad because I had spied on him but also told me I shouldn't be upset because it wasn't "really" an affair since they never slept together (that I know of). 

He had (and probably still does) an addiction to porn-movies and online.  I also discovered he was cross dressing several years ago.  He had a large "collection" of women's lingerie and sex toys that he thought I didn't know about.  I didn't know what to do with that information so I never said anything to him until after he returned from Iraq when I was basically throwing everything I had at him. 

H is highly dependent on sex as a way to feel needed and loved.  He will isolate himself after work for several nights on end, not engaging in any type of conversation with me or the kids, but when we go to bed he immediately grabs my breast, which his his way of saying he wants sex.  I have told him time and again that grabbing my breast when he hasn't spoken to me all day really isn't the best way to seduce me, but yet he continues to do it.  He keeps track of when we have sex (which honestly isn't all that much - I try to give in at least once per week to avoid fights and him pouting).  We have fights and "long conversations" about our sex life.  He blames his anger and temper tantrums/breaking things on the fact that he is sexually frustrated and deprived (so it's my fault that he loses his temper).  A few weeks ago we had a fight about sex and he told me that he is done trying to make our marriage work and that the only way it will work is if I start giving him more sex.  I am supposed to disconnect the emotions from the sex so that I'm just having sex (this is what he said I needed to do since I told him it's difficult to want to have sex with someone you aren't feeling emotionally connected to).  Then two nights later he is "seducing" me, we have sex, and all is good again.  He's all cuddly and loving afterwards and I just want him off of me.  I highly resent the sex component of our marriage for a ton of reasons.

So, back to your original question, in my experience it's a given that my H will cheat.  Whether it is a physical/emotional affair or "just" a cyber affair, he will cheat.  I don't even care anymore, which I find sad.  He made a joke the other night about taking our boys (S12 and S8) to the adult bookstore to find something to buy for me... .  I had asked if he could take the boys to do something fun on his day off and they are on summer vacation.  His "joke" really was a joke, but it was the most inappropriate joke I could even imagine... .  disgusting, actually.  I think he might have realized it after he said it, but really?  He is just sick.

Can they help themselves?  Well that is an interesting question.  In my situation, I'm not sure he really can, despite the fact that he is "aware" of what he is doing and he has learned to cover his tracks well.  I have realized after all of these years that his sexual deviancy/needs are a huge part of who he is and he can only deny himself from fulfilling his needs for so long before he has to get his release.  I know that he had the affair in Iraq because he needed someone to help him with his "needs".  He needed someone to be emotionally attached to (since I and the kids weren't there) and he needed an outlet for his physical needs as well.  Doesn't make it right but I think I understand how/why it happened.  I don't think he would have another physical/emotional affair because he believes for certain that is a deal breaker for me.  No matter about all of the emotional abuse that he throws at me... .  him having an affair would be the last straw.  In reality, the BPD stuff is what makes me hate him.  When I think back to all that I and the kids have endured over the past 18 years I just get plain angry. 

The sex related stuff just makes me sick and repulsed.  He tells me that "normal" wives want to watch porn movies and have that type of sex with their husbands.  He tells me that I am a prude and that I am selfish for not wanting to perform certain sexual acts with him or because I don't want to "make a movie" or because I don't want him to tie me up.  When we had our fight a few weeks ago he also told me that I am the messed up one, and that if we split up I need to figure out what my "problem" is or I am never going to be able to make any future men in my life happy either due to my lack of interest in sex.  I'm sorry if this is TMI, but as I type it out I realize how wrong and abusive this aspect of our marriage is.  But yet, I start to believe him and wonder if I was able to give him more sex that just maybe he would be better and we could find a happier marriage.  Logically I know this is not true and that he has exhibited his BPD behaviors even when  I was actively trying to please him and his needs as a way of getting him to quit some of his other deviant behaviors.  It doesn't matter what I do, he is who he is.

Sorry for the long response but this is a huge issue in our marriage.  I actually wish he WOULD go have an affair and that I would find out about it because then there would be a clear-cut reason to leave and he wouldn't be able to put the end of our marriage completely on me.

Oh my nevaeh - are you married to my husband? They are one in the same - especially the sex part!

I'm leaving my husband.  I just found out he has been cheating on me for two years with an old girlfriend from high school and together they are swingers.

But guess what - a person who never takes responsibility for anything won't take responsibility for ruining the marriage by cheating.  He'll just blame it on you because you didn't give him enough sex - just like my husband did to me.  His exact words were "you forced me to cheat."