Hey Sharkey. Have been there mate. Know how much that hurts. Mine moved ever quicker than that.
My only advice is be kind to yourself.
Sharkey, mate, just be glad it's not you she's marrying!
Quoted both of these because they are true and you should really consider them.
Bear this in mind; WE know who our BPDex's REALLY are. Through Facebook and whatever else, they may have most of the world fooled. But their faults bleed out when they get close to people. And the same thing will happen with their new partners. I think sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking that our BPDex's are only the wretched, manipulative, hurtful, broken people that they are AROUND US or WITH US. That isn't true. The new guy marrying your BPDex is going to see and deal with everything you did, and likely more because they are taking an additional step and getting married. Our BPDex's are masters of manipulation and lying, and can make most of the world believe that they are wonderful, successful, happy people. That is not the truth though; WE, because we got close to them, see them for WHO THEY REALLY ARE. And it isn't pretty.
It is funny though; many people, myself included, can sit here and say definitively that "I would never go back to that relationship", and yet be distressed when our BPDex's move on and get married. I am reading an excellent book called "Attached: The new science of adult attachment" which deals with the three different attachment styles people may have. It specifically addresses how we can think and know logically that these are poor partners for us, and yet our attachment patterns are not so quick or easy to disengage. Point being, there is definitely an element, larger in some and smaller in others, to missing our BPDex's that is due to us being attached to someone period, regardless of who the person we are attached to is. This is a lot of times where the feelings of "they are the only one in the world for me" come from... . those feelings fade to a fraction of what they are now once we detach.
Also, take a simple step back and look at all you know about your BPDex. And then look at the fact that she is getting married. It is my experience (both from reading on this board and from my own personal experience with my own BPDex) that pwBPD look at marriage as some kind of "fix all" that is going to make all of their problems go away. Like if they can just get that ring on their finger, all the hurt, anguish, turmoil, and inability to maintain a relationship will vanish and it will be happily ever after. I met my BPDex when she was 21 and she had already been married and divorced at 19. She is also engaged (maybe? she told different people different things, who knows the truth) currently to the guy she was cheating on me with most recently who she has KNOWN for just over 3 months.
These are not stable people. I think we as NON's likely have a much more grounded appreciation and maybe reverence for marriage; it isn't a matter to be taken lightly. In comparison, it almost seems like a game to pwBPD.
Just because your BPDex is getting married DOES NOT mean that she is going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Her disorder and problems will be present as ever. It also does not mean that the marriage is going to last. And if it does last, it is not going to be a happy one. There are simply too many holes. No one can fill them all.
You dodged a bullet in not marrying your BPDex. As did I. As did many. Be grateful. Keep learning. I do every day.
Peace and strength.
