It seems I am the one with the illness, not him

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello All!

Posted this on the "Personal Inventory" board but I thought I'd post it here too.  I hope that isn't against the rules!

Anyway, here it goes:

I haven't been here in a while (not sure if that's a good or bad thing), but I wanted to drop in.  I've been doing alright.  I believe I posted it here, but I did break no contact with my suspected BPD ex-bf on my birthday in late June.  He apologized for all that he had done (but did not really own up to the emotional/verbal abuse).  He actually said "I think for a person to let comments like that get to them, that's stupid.  It's like cyber bullying."  Anyway, for a second, I thought we could be friends.  Of course, we could not.  Since then, we had been communicating randomly via text.  I grew upset because deep down I was still drawn to him, and wanting to talk to him all the time.  I felt as if he was ignoring me and it hurt a lot.  It got to the point where I e-mailed him and spilled a bunch of information to him that I shouldn't have, made myself look absolutely nuts.  I told him that I was sick of him ignoring me all the time, and I admitted that I knew what the woman he was dating looked like and where he had been with her, and that it wasn't going to work out (us being friends) because it still hurt too much and I was becoming someone I did not like.

He said he was shocked to hear that I was checking up on him like that and wanted to know what else I knew.  He said he wasn't dating her and that she was just a friend.  Then the conversation took a turn and we ended up talking about random stuff and laughing everything off.  That happens a lot.  I write to him to say "We can't talk anymore" and then we still end up talking.  I realized if I ever want to put a stop to everything, I needed to stop reaching out, no "announcement" necessary.

We've had many arguments since then, the last one being a couple of weeks ago.  I had stopped texting him for about a week and he had reached out to me twice.  Once on a Sunday to say good morning and then again on a Friday night (this was when we last spoke).  He asked me what I was up to and I asked him the same.  He said he was in his room.  I said "Hmm…who can I text who will always respond," basically suggesting that he only talks to me when he is bored.  He got upset and quickly said "Bye Sango."  I told him I was kidding and he said "No you aren't.  You always do that."  We continued talking and that's when it started…he started being nasty to me for no reason.

I told him this story and he did that thing I hate "Cool story…" basically brushing me off.  I told him that it was rude for him to do that because it seems as if what I have to say is insignificant.  He said I was being dramatic.  He just always does that to me, he wants to talk but everything he has to say is more important that what I have to say.  And he finds my "stories" annoying.  Then he finally admitted it:

Him:  I choose to treat you this way because you hurt me.  I don't want to get attached or get closer to you because of what happened in the past.  Plus I have someone here who I like a lot and I don't want to mess that up with her.

Me:  Why contact me at all then?  I was doing fine not talking to you (lies…although I was doing slightly better).  Why go out of your way to push me away and be nasty to me?    I would NEVER do that to you.

Him:  Because I slip up and text you when I shouldn’t.

Some other stuff was said that I can't remember.

Me:  I'm done trying to force myself into your life.  I am surrounded by people who love me and I'm going to focus on that versus someone who obviously doesn't care to treat me right.

Him:  I'm glad you've been doing better.  It didn’t take me nearly as long but I definitely had my time.  I just really like my friend and I can't get attached to you again.

I said some other stuff because I was hurt by that (him saying he really liked her over and over again).  Towards the end of the conversation he said something like "This is why we can't be friends.  You always go on your rants."  I said something else and he goes "This is where you get the text message saying "Okay." as if he doesn't care.  He also mentioned that I'm "everything he wants in a woman, but this isn't what he needs in his life right now."  He said he's young.  He should be having fun, going out, making mistakes, etc.  We couldn't work out at this point in time.  The thing is, I didn't want to be with him.  I knew in my mind if we got back together, he'd treat me horribly like he had in the past.  I just wanted him to stop being nasty towards me and to stop making me feel so….insignificant if that makes sense.

I didn't have much to say at this point and I wanted to hurt him, so I told him "I used to think when you told me you were dating someone else, I'd be hurt and want to die, but the fact that she is ugly makes it a lot easier."  Horrible, I know.  He said "The fact that you just said that…bye."  I told him goodbye and he said "You've got some nerve calling someone ugly."  I put "Ha" and sent him a smiley and that was it.

So immature.  So dumb.  So…everything.  I shouldn't have said what I said.  It was wrong to attack her.  I even lost a good friend over it, someone I met here on BPD Family.  She couldn't handle it…seeing me waste all of the potential I had to do better and giving in the way I did.

Since that night, I've still been struggling with checking in on him (although I don't obsess over it all day like I used to).  He recently put his page on private and so has his new friend.  I can't look anymore.  I shouldn't have looked in the first place.

Reading all of this, it seems as if I'm the one with the mental issue, not him.  Obsessing over someone who treated me the way he did (emotional/verbal abuse), cyber stalking, etc.  I don't like this person.  I have been going out and doing a lot of random things that I never would've done months ago.  I turned 21 so I started drinking here and there.  I probably won't drink for a while now.  I get no enjoyment out of it because it tastes disgusting.  I tried hookah (absolutely disgusting…never again), and I met some cool guys through a friend.  It won't go anywhere though.  I'm not ready to date, not when I feel like this.  I feel like I'm having some sort of identity crisis though.  Sometimes when I go out, I do things and I wonder what my ex would think of it.  "Oh, he'd be shocked to see me drinking."  It's like I do stuff with the intentions of showing him "I can be fun too!  I'm not the baby he always made me out to be."  As crazy as this sounds, I think them putting their info on private will be good for me.  I can't see anything, and eventually it'll get to the point where I'll stop checking.  If he takes his info off of private, I'll have no idea because it won't matter anymore.  I definitely want to start going back to therapy, and on a weekly basis, not just when I feel super down.  I want to get to a healthier place.

Also, despite my desire to look and "checking up" on him, deep down I know it wouldn't be good to actually talk TO him.  Nothing good ever comes of it.  I suppose I just want to look from a distance and not actually communicate with him up front.  That sounds crazy.

My apologies for the rant!

[Sango216]

Hello All!

Posted this on the "Personal Inventory" board but I thought I'd post it here too.  I hope that isn't against the rules!

Anyway, here it goes:

I haven't been here in a while (not sure if that's a good or bad thing), but I wanted to drop in.  I've been doing alright.  I believe I posted it here, but I did break no contact with my suspected BPD ex-bf on my birthday in late June.  He apologized for all that he had done (but did not really own up to the emotional/verbal abuse).  He actually said "I think for a person to let comments like that get to them, that's stupid.  It's like cyber bullying."  Anyway, for a second, I thought we could be friends.  Of course, we could not.  Since then, we had been communicating randomly via text.  I grew upset because deep down I was still drawn to him, and wanting to talk to him all the time.  I felt as if he was ignoring me and it hurt a lot.  It got to the point where I e-mailed him and spilled a bunch of information to him that I shouldn't have, made myself look absolutely nuts.  I told him that I was sick of him ignoring me all the time, and I admitted that I knew what the woman he was dating looked like and where he had been with her, and that it wasn't going to work out (us being friends) because it still hurt too much and I was becoming someone I did not like.

He said he was shocked to hear that I was checking up on him like that and wanted to know what else I knew.  He said he wasn't dating her and that she was just a friend.  Then the conversation took a turn and we ended up talking about random stuff and laughing everything off.  That happens a lot.  I write to him to say "We can't talk anymore" and then we still end up talking.  I realized if I ever want to put a stop to everything, I needed to stop reaching out, no "announcement" necessary.

We've had many arguments since then, the last one being a couple of weeks ago.  I had stopped texting him for about a week and he had reached out to me twice.  Once on a Sunday to say good morning and then again on a Friday night (this was when we last spoke).  He asked me what I was up to and I asked him the same.  He said he was in his room.  I said "Hmm…who can I text who will always respond," basically suggesting that he only talks to me when he is bored.  He got upset and quickly said "Bye Sango."  I told him I was kidding and he said "No you aren't.  You always do that."  We continued talking and that's when it started…he started being nasty to me for no reason.

I told him this story and he did that thing I hate "Cool story…" basically brushing me off.  I told him that it was rude for him to do that because it seems as if what I have to say is insignificant.  He said I was being dramatic.  He just always does that to me, he wants to talk but everything he has to say is more important that what I have to say.  And he finds my "stories" annoying.  Then he finally admitted it:

Him:  I choose to treat you this way because you hurt me.  I don't want to get attached or get closer to you because of what happened in the past.  Plus I have someone here who I like a lot and I don't want to mess that up with her.

Me:  Why contact me at all then?  I was doing fine not talking to you (lies…although I was doing slightly better).  Why go out of your way to push me away and be nasty to me?    I would NEVER do that to you.

Him:  Because I slip up and text you when I shouldn’t.

Some other stuff was said that I can't remember.

Me:  I'm done trying to force myself into your life.  I am surrounded by people who love me and I'm going to focus on that versus someone who obviously doesn't care to treat me right.

Him:  I'm glad you've been doing better.  It didn’t take me nearly as long but I definitely had my time.  I just really like my friend and I can't get attached to you again.

I said some other stuff because I was hurt by that (him saying he really liked her over and over again).  Towards the end of the conversation he said something like "This is why we can't be friends.  You always go on your rants."  I said something else and he goes "This is where you get the text message saying "Okay." as if he doesn't care.  He also mentioned that I'm "everything he wants in a woman, but this isn't what he needs in his life right now."  He said he's young.  He should be having fun, going out, making mistakes, etc.  We couldn't work out at this point in time.  The thing is, I didn't want to be with him.  I knew in my mind if we got back together, he'd treat me horribly like he had in the past.  I just wanted him to stop being nasty towards me and to stop making me feel so….insignificant if that makes sense.

I didn't have much to say at this point and I wanted to hurt him, so I told him "I used to think when you told me you were dating someone else, I'd be hurt and want to die, but the fact that she is ugly makes it a lot easier."  Horrible, I know.  He said "The fact that you just said that…bye."  I told him goodbye and he said "You've got some nerve calling someone ugly."  I put "Ha" and sent him a smiley and that was it.

So immature.  So dumb.  So…everything.  I shouldn't have said what I said.  It was wrong to attack her.  I even lost a good friend over it, someone I met here on BPD Family.  She couldn't handle it…seeing me waste all of the potential I had to do better and giving in the way I did.

Since that night, I've still been struggling with checking in on him (although I don't obsess over it all day like I used to).  He recently put his page on private and so has his new friend.  I can't look anymore.  I shouldn't have looked in the first place.

Reading all of this, it seems as if I'm the one with the mental issue, not him.  Obsessing over someone who treated me the way he did (emotional/verbal abuse), cyber stalking, etc.  I don't like this person.  I have been going out and doing a lot of random things that I never would've done months ago.  I turned 21 so I started drinking here and there.  I probably won't drink for a while now.  I get no enjoyment out of it because it tastes disgusting.  I tried hookah (absolutely disgusting…never again), and I met some cool guys through a friend.  It won't go anywhere though.  I'm not ready to date, not when I feel like this.  I feel like I'm having some sort of identity crisis though.  Sometimes when I go out, I do things and I wonder what my ex would think of it.  "Oh, he'd be shocked to see me drinking."  It's like I do stuff with the intentions of showing him "I can be fun too!  I'm not the baby he always made me out to be."  As crazy as this sounds, I think them putting their info on private will be good for me.  I can't see anything, and eventually it'll get to the point where I'll stop checking.  If he takes his info off of private, I'll have no idea because it won't matter anymore.  I definitely want to start going back to therapy, and on a weekly basis, not just when I feel super down.  I want to get to a healthier place.

Also, despite my desire to look and "checking up" on him, deep down I know it wouldn't be good to actually talk TO him.  Nothing good ever comes of it.  I suppose I just want to look from a distance and not actually communicate with him up front.  That sounds crazy.

My apologies for the rant!

[Ittookthislong]

i have had the exact same problem, and im wondering if i have the disorder myself... . so many similarities so you are not alone... . in my opinion, the thing that seperates your behavior is that you are on a board, questioning your behavior, you did feel remorse and im guessing you would be willing to fix it if you were to find out it was you. i know i am... .

but as for the similarities... . i said some AWEFUL things. the term that seems to fit almost to a T for me is something called "counter Borderline", google that term, it may fit for you as well.

passive aggressive remarks drive anybody nuts and thats what mine did as well. He pushed the relationship, he wanted to move in together, he told me our age difference didnt matter(Im a few years older), and i asked several times if he was sure. similar to yours when he ditches me he says "Im young i should be out being a son of a blank, your trying to control me"... . i also reconnected with my ex, just to be friendly, we were friends longer than we were dating, at first conversation goes nice, seems like old times so i say awwwe buddy sometimes i miss you and he responds "i miss sometimes too but that doesnt mean i would ever want to be in a relationship with you again" whoa whoa whoa, i didnt say that, and its hard not to loose your cool when they are so defensive that they put motives into your words.

My ex met a whole group of new people. He was more devoted to me than ever, but once he got in with this new group he felt all sorts of new feelings making him want to feel freedom again, but i guess and like a kid, cant stick to his word, and feels so untrusting in general that he assumes since he feels he wants to do things that werent what he said earlier that i must have controlled him into the whole relationship. this is the narrative he now assigns to our whole relationship, so all the nice things i did to help my boyfriend, now seem to him that i did them to keep him from being young and free. I didnt controll him, he is just impressionable, like BPDs are, and so desperate to fit into whatever new situation/friendships they find themselves in that they seem to create a story to justify why they are leaving. He told everyone around him that i was this crazy woman trying to control him, so all his new friends hated me, he said MADDENING things including "Your not going to get in the way of my dreams"(after I paid for alot for him to advance in his career goals- not to control him, to help him because i loved and trusted him) so whenever i react to these abnsurd, cruel comments i look like the crazy person he painted me to be.

Its like they just change the whole storyline around on you, convince themselves and everyone around, and you are left either trying to make peace and show your love and hurt- which to them looks like your manipulating to gain control, or you get angry because their behavior is crazymaking and anyone would lose it, but then that confirms that your not someone they want to be with, or that your abusive.

so if you think you have changed the story around on him ask yourself honestly... . I KNOW I didnt, but I also acted crazy and said some of the meanest stuff ive ever said to anyone in my life and didnt even know i had it in me to be that mean, im still forgiving myself for that... . and hopefully you are too.

thing is talking to them is a lose lose because they will use whatever tactic they can to provoke the response that fits their suspicions, including insecurities you told them in your vulnerable, intimate states that they will use against you so you react, and therefor they can prove themselves right, and have a reason not to care that your gone, because you werent good to them anyway.

but nobody will be. they are on the search for something that doesnt exist because they will make everything true, a fictional story where they are a victim of your less than ideal love in their miinds, and they will keep doing it over and over and over and over and... . you get the point

[willtimeheal]

Give yourself a break... . You are hurting and grieving. I often questioned my own sanity when detaching and I still do. It is normal.  You have just gone through a traumatic experience and you are trying to make sense of it. What I found... . the more I tried to make sense and wrap my mind around what happened the crazier I felt.

I was afraid that I reached stalker status one week. I drove by her house and constantly wondered what she was doing, was she thinking about me.  It took time but it gets better.

Know that you are not crazy. What you are feeling and doing is normal. You have to start taking care of you now. Focus on you and what you need.

My ex BPD left.me four months ago for a guy. She still texts me and says she is unhappy and wants her life with me but she won't tell her bf she doesn't want him. Bpd is a crazy illness and we have to make the decision to do what is best for us. You are not crazy and believe me you will feel crazy from time to time but know that is just you trying to logically figure out and make sense of what you have gone through. There is no logic to what happened that is why you feel crazy.  Block his number stop looking at social media and try your best to stay away from him so you can move on with your life. It is hard and you will stumble and that is ok. Keep posting. It helps

[Sango216]

Hello Ittookthislong!

Wow.  While I am not glad we have both suffered like this, it feels good to know I am not alone here.  And yes, I would be willing to work on my issues if the tables were turned.  To this day he still denies that he has issues.  The only thing he owned up to was hurting me by saying awful things, making me cry, and being insecure.

I just looked up "Counter Borderline."  That's scary!  I do sense that I have, in a way, adopted some of his behavior.  I feel like the crazy one, or the one who is causing all of this.  He is so relaxed and "moved on."  

I have actually talked to a few people who knew my ex prior to his entering the military and they were shocked at the things he had done.  It was difficult for them to believe.  One of them told me that she visited him in another country twice.  The first time was cool, but the second time was weird.  He had these weird friends and he wasn't the same person.  A lot of people think he has changed.  He used to be quiet and really sweet. Now he refers to himself as an a-hole and uses that to justify his ways.

I am trying to forgive myself for stooping to such low levels.  But how do you forgive yourself for the things you still want to say?  That probably sounds really bad.  Today I was sitting here thinking about everything and got so mad, I started playing out this scenario of him texting me and me just going off, telling him to stay out of my life.  It's like I want to "rage" on him.  I want him to contact me so I can do that, even though I know I'll feel bad afterwards.

Sometimes I wonder if it will last with his new friend.  It doesn't hurt as much to imagine him staying with her because I know deep down he hasn't changed much.  Still, it sucks.  and I still wonder why he set his page to private.  To keep me from looking?  Or maybe he just did it to do it. I don't know.  I suppose it doesn't matter.

[Sango216]

Hello WillTimeHeal!

Thank you.  You're so right.  I guess I felt like so much time has passed that I shouldn't still be acting this "crazy" and feeling the way that I am.  It's like I've convinced myself that if he has moved on so quickly, I should've done so too.  But what I've forgotten is that he has issues and moving on the way he has isn't healthy at all.  Even though he isn't officially dating her and he says they have an "understanding," he still started a  new romance with someone else fairly quickly and with unresolved feelings from his last relationship.

There is no way to make sense of this, and I've got to stop trying.

[Octoberfest]

So immature.  So dumb.  So…everything.  I shouldn't have said what I said.  It was wrong to attack her.  I even lost a good friend over it, someone I met here on BPD Family.  She couldn't handle it…seeing me waste all of the potential I had to do better and giving in the way I did.

Since that night, I've still been struggling with checking in on him (although I don't obsess over it all day like I used to).  He recently put his page on private and so has his new friend.  I can't look anymore.  I shouldn't have looked in the first place.

Reading all of this, it seems as if I'm the one with the mental issue, not him.  Obsessing over someone who treated me the way he did (emotional/verbal abuse), cyber stalking, etc.  I don't like this person.  I have been going out and doing a lot of random things that I never would've done months ago.  I turned 21 so I started drinking here and there.  I probably won't drink for a while now.  I get no enjoyment out of it because it tastes disgusting.  I tried hookah (absolutely disgusting…never again), and I met some cool guys through a friend.  It won't go anywhere though.  I'm not ready to date, not when I feel like this.  I feel like I'm having some sort of identity crisis though.  Sometimes when I go out, I do things and I wonder what my ex would think of it.  "Oh, he'd be shocked to see me drinking."  It's like I do stuff with the intentions of showing him "I can be fun too!  I'm not the baby he always made me out to be."  As crazy as this sounds, I think them putting their info on private will be good for me.  I can't see anything, and eventually it'll get to the point where I'll stop checking.  If he takes his info off of private, I'll have no idea because it won't matter anymore.  I definitely want to start going back to therapy, and on a weekly basis, not just when I feel super down.  I want to get to a healthier place.

Also, despite my desire to look and "checking up" on him, deep down I know it wouldn't be good to actually talk TO him.  Nothing good ever comes of it.  I suppose I just want to look from a distance and not actually communicate with him up front.  That sounds crazy.

My apologies for the rant!

Hey Sango... .


I feel that I can level a little more with you here than I can sometimes with other posters because we are both of near the same age.  I turn 21 in about 6 months.

In dealing with the breakup and fallout that followed I also found myself pursuing contact and reacting and saying hurtful and immature things... . Things that I saw clearly a little later were not productive or helpful to anyone and that I regretted.  

I think that we need to cut ourselves some slack here... . First off, how many other people our age seek out answers to these sorts of questions like we are by posting on this board? How many people our age get involved in a messy relationship and instead of stopping and taking a good hard look at what exactly happened, brush it off and bury the pain much like pwBPD by just jumping into new relationships or other using maladaptive coping behaviors?

I told my BPDex something a few times as we were sitting down trying to work out our relationship problems... . I said,

"<BPDex>, I have been trying to help and solve all of your problems involving BPD and our relationship, and the fact is that I don't even have MY end of things figured out.  This is my first relationship, I don't have all the answers here.  It's like I am trying to fix a piece of machinery but I am using an incomplete and defective set of tools."

I really think that that last part is an apt and appropriate analogy.

We can look back and regret some of the things we have said to our BPDex's as immature, or counterproductive, or hurtful, or whatever.  But more often than not, we said them because we were hurting and acting out.  WE have emotions too, and I think that at 20 and 21 years old, it is fair to say that we do not have it all figured out yet either.  We need to be kind to ourselves... . it is kind of like we expect ourselves to have mastery of something that we have very little experience in.

As I mentioned, I too can relate to always thinking about them, wanting to check their facebook page, thinking that every single thing they do is motivated in some way by me. It is VERY hard to let go, for several reasons.

First, and pretty obviously, the end of the relationship is a loss, pure and simple.  For me it hit as hard if not harder as losing someone I knew to death.  It was the death of a person as I knew her. We loved our BPDex's, and I at least absorbed her into my every day life.  My life revolved around her, when was I going to see her, what were we going to do, what was she doing, etc.  It is hard to go back.

Secondly, and I think that this is the lasting and harder one, it is A LOT easier to look at someone else than look at ourselves.  I think that by staying "obsessed" or focused on our BPDex's we are putting off taking a good hard look at ourselves and admitting where we need to address some issues. I have found that this isn't even always by choice; I have a HELL of a time staying focused on me and my role in the relationship, often slipping back to focusing on my BPDex and her actions and behavior.  This hurts A LOT, because all of the feelings of injustice, and betrayal, anger, and all of those other negative emotions surge to the surface.

I think the distinction I am making here is pretty clearly seen in how pwBPD paint people black. It is SO much easier and less painful for them to cast all the blame on others and hate them than it is to admit their own role in whatever happened.  It is much easier for us to do the same thing, also.  But that IS NOT the healthy or productive thing to do... . THAT is how you get stuck in destructive patterns and end up with a mile long history of broken and failed relationships like so many pwBPD have.

Thirdly, and this one may not relate to you as much as it does me, but because my relationship with my BPDex is the only relationship that I have ever had, my BPDex the only person that I have ever opened up to or loved, she is what I associate the feeling of love with.  Getting over her, moving on from her, in many ways represents giving up on love and moving away from the warmest I have ever felt in my entire life.  Because she is my sole experience there, she is all I have to associate with it.  I consider this icing on the pain cake  

Hello WillTimeHeal!

Thank you.  You're so right.  I guess I felt like so much time has passed that I shouldn't still be acting this "crazy" and feeling the way that I am.  It's like I've convinced myself that if he has moved on so quickly, I should've done so too.  But what I've forgotten is that he has issues and moving on the way he has isn't healthy at all.  Even though he isn't officially dating her and he says they have an "understanding," he still started a  new romance with someone else fairly quickly and with unresolved feelings from his last relationship.



There is no way to make sense of this, and I've got to stop trying.

I am going to tell you right now to cut this sort of thing out, IMMEDIATELY.  You may not realize it, but you have set an expectation in your mind based off what he has told you.  If it comes out that he is in fact dating her, you are going to be upset because he told you differently and you had expected something different... . Imagine that your healing process is like building a tower of jenga blocks.  All of the blocks are tan, except for some which are black.  The black ones are ones that your BPDex is free to rip out at will. Of course, if you build your tower with the black blocks mixed in and your BPDex comes along and pulls those out, you stand the risk of your tower crumbling.  It is better to just build your tower using the tan blocks.

A personal experience on this subject... .

Just shy of a month ago I broke my NC of a month with my BPDex and had an hour conversation with her and kind of got the life update from her.  She told me that she had split with the guy she had been cheating on me with when I ended things, that she had caught him cheating, and that she was still abstinent since the last time we had slept together 3 months prior.  A week later, when I was in the same town as her, I found out from some friends that night who had seen her at the bar where she worked that she told them she was engaged to the guy she had told me she had broken up with. It devastated me... . because I had made the piece of information that the new guy didn't last part of my jenga tower.  I used a black block.

Unfortunately, we cannot trust ANYTHING that these people tell us.  She has told me that she has not had sex since we did and how good that feels... . I would LOVE to believe that and for that to be true.  But I cant. We are only setting ourselves up to hurt by doing so.  They will of course tell US whatever we want to hear... . it is part of keeping us on the shelf, should they ever want to come back.  In the few days after that phone call I had with my BPDex, she more than once called me "baby" in text messages, just like she did when we used to date.  We had been broken up for 2+ months and she was dating someone else.  These people do not have boundaries.


I really enjoyed writing this post Sango, and I hope that you find some of it helpful.  It is nice to think that there are others my age who are dealing with this; it is pretty easy to feel alone in dealing with all of this when most of our peers are far too shallow of thinkers to even begin to look at this stuff.

[Sango216]

Hi Octoberfest!

I agree.  That is the perfect analogy for this situation.  Nothing seems to work.  It's bound to fail.

It is very difficult to look at myself and actually work on my own issues.  Someone I met on this website actually said something that stuck with me, and someone else I just met said the same thing.  She said "You have no respect for people's boundaries by forcing yourself on them."  I do that a lot.  If I want to be heard, I let it out, whether that's in 1,000 long text messages, an e-mail, or whatever form of communication I choose.  And I like to help people, but I am overbearing.  I like to know what's going on, or else I feel like I have no control, which would probably explain why I spy so much.

I never thought of it that way (as building blocks).  Each lie they tell... . believing it only sets us up for disappointment.  I always find myself thinking "But he said this and he said that."  It doesn't matter because they cannot be trusted. 

This was very helpful.  It feels good to be able to come here and talk to people who understand.  My family and friends have tried, but I don't think they get what it's like to be involved with a pwBPD (or at least a suspected pwBPD).  They think of it as any normal breakup and wonder why I'm not "over it" yet. 

[Octoberfest]

Hi Octoberfest!

I agree.  That is the perfect analogy for this situation.  Nothing seems to work.  It's bound to fail.

It is very difficult to look at myself and actually work on my own issues.  Someone I met on this website actually said something that stuck with me, and someone else I just met said the same thing.  She said "You have no respect for people's boundaries by forcing yourself on them."  I do that a lot.  If I want to be heard, I let it out, whether that's in 1,000 long text messages, an e-mail, or whatever form of communication I choose.  And I like to help people, but I am overbearing.  I like to know what's going on, or else I feel like I have no control, which would probably explain why I spy so much.

I never thought of it that way (as building blocks).  Each lie they tell... . believing it only sets us up for disappointment.  I always find myself thinking "But he said this and he said that."  It doesn't matter because they cannot be trusted. 

This was very helpful.  It feels good to be able to come here and talk to people who understand.  My family and friends have tried, but I don't think they get what it's like to be involved with a pwBPD (or at least a suspected pwBPD).  They think of it as any normal breakup and wonder why I'm not "over it" yet. 

This IS very frustrating- and to top it off, I sure feel melodramatic saying "No, its different, you don't understand... . " because I feel like EVERYONE says that about their relationships haha.  In the case of relationships with pwBPD however, it may be more accurate than any other time.  I truly believe that until someone has been in a relationship with a pwBPD, they cannot appreciate just how deep the hooks get buried within us and just how hard it is to detach.  This is largely due to the fact that the relationship with the pwBPD is in fact touching on even larger and buried issues within ourselves that we were most likely unaware of before our relationship with our BPDex's.  I have used the analogy before, but I have told people that when my BPDex put a hole in my heart she made me realize that there was a pretty big one there already.

Therapists are worth their weight in gold when dealing with a breakup with a BPD, because they can GET IT and level with us, whereas our friends and families often cannot.

[Sango216]

I feel the same way saying that.  A lot of them thought I was doing a bit much by looking into BPD and coming up here.  I think they thought of it as me dwelling on it (which I did at one point... . I'll give them that) than actually healing.  Many of my friends have asked me "What is it that you want from him?" and "What is it about him?"  "Why is it so hard to let go?"  I have no answers other than "I love him," which in this case isn't cutting it.  

This is largely due to the fact that the relationship with the pwBPD is in fact touching on even larger and buried issues within ourselves that we were most likely unaware of before our relationship with our BPDex's.  I have used the analogy before, but I have told people that when my BPDex put a hole in my heart she made me realize that there was a pretty big one there already.

THIS.  Yes.  I knew I had issues, but I didn't realize how serious they were.  Codependency (which a lot of pwBPD partners seem to struggle with), insecurity, low self-esteem.  It was all there and I could see that looking at my past relationships and even friendships.  However, this really brought me to the lowest I have ever been.  I never want to feel that way again.

What would always mess me up was "forgetting" all of the bad he had done.  :)uring our first period of NC, I was very hurt and angry.  After I broke NC and he apologized, I pushed all of the bad he had done out of my mind.  Recently I have been reminded of these things by my father, who is very much like my ex.  My mother is currently planning to divorce him.  He has verbally and emotionally abused her (and my sisters and I) for years.  Just the other day he told my ten year old sister that she acts retarded and that he doesn't know why my mother is putting her in a gifted program at her school because she will flunk out like I did.  I really think something is wrong with my father but he refuses to seek counseling.  He says nothing is wrong with him, but something would have to be in order for a person to speak to their own child that way.

Seeing my mother and my sister in so much pain has reminded me of what happened to me, and what could've continued happening to me had I stayed.  I use that as motivation.  :)espite all of the pain I've felt since the breakup, I am so blessed to have gotten out of that situation.  

[Sango216]

Octoberfest,

I meant to put this in my last message, but part of the reason I came up here was because I knew this weekend would be hard for me.  It's his birthday weekend.  I don't plan to say anything.  I know it'll only open the door for more unnecessary communication (that or he could ignore me), and that's not what I want.

Is it bad that part of me is excited NOT to wish him a Happy Birthday?  I believe he is expecting me to pour my heart out in some random e-mail like I've done in the past and tell him everything I've been thinking about over the past couple of weeks.  I want to show him that I have more self-control than that.  Or maybe I'm trying to convince myself of something.