NC while still living together

[hardhabit2break]

I have learned from this site what NC means and why it is so important in some situations. It will be easier when we are no longer residing in the same house. As mentioned in my previous posts it has been such a short time (less than 2 weeks) since I have realized that my H is BPD. My nightmare began mid-May and I was so confused (and still am at times) about his behavior. For a while I thought he was bipolar. I spent the 2 months, before realizing it was BPD, reacting the way any normal person should in my situation; confronting him about his betrayal, deceitfulness, lying etc. I would display anger, pain, despair, confusion, blame to him. At times he appeared to show signs of guilt but they were short lived. And his explanation for what he did has changed so many times. Now I know what I'm dealing with and see that I can no longer show him my emotions, though I want to all the time. I want to scream at him for the devastation he has caused his family, tell him of the horrific pain I am in, and try to make him see what he has lost. But I know this wont make a difference.  I have shut down emotionally towards him and am really examining the things I do need to communicate with him about. I have come to see there are very few things I do need to share. Of course, after being married for 28 years it is an automatic response (habit) to talk to and share with my partner. But he no longer is my partner. I want him to move out but he won't. And I won't (unless it gets to the point where I feel it would be best for my D17.)

I have asked him to leave, told him he should leave, and know he has been emotionally checked out for a while (how do they do that?). He is carrying on an affair with his new SO openly, coming and going as he pleases, and of course this is all so painful for me. So my question is, is NC best in this situation? Or is NC not the right move when still residing together?  When I make the mistake of having any discussion with him, he gets in my head. I have to keep reminding myself he is a liar and manipulator (and so good at both I have learned) and will continue to prey on my weakness.

[Validation78]

Hey Hardhabit!

I'm sorry to hear of the struggle you are having. In a way, learning about BPD is a relief, yet at the same time, scary! You will have to give yourself time to come to terms with it all, and make some major life decisions regarding your future, your daughter's future, and the future of your marriage. Take your time, and do what is right for you in your own time.

As you become more familiar with our site, you will see that we focus a lot on our own healing, growth and changes. There is a lot to be said about accepting what we have control over and what we have no control over. The bottom line is, we cannot make someone else do anything, i.e. move out, stop behaving a certain way etc. Check out other boards like Staying, and The Lessons there to learn more about BPD and communication tools.

So, in answer to your question, obviously, you cannot, at this point really be NC. You can however, be LC, (limited). I would limit the conversations to the essentials, like matters concerning your daughter, the house, and practical matters. I wouldn't talk about the relationship, feelings, etc. since you already know where that will lead. In the meantime, place the focus on yourself. Take care of your own needs. Lower your expectations of him to reduce your frustration and stress. At some point, you will have to decide how you want to proceed, and you can do that when you are ready!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Saffron2]

I'm new here so I don't have access to your previous posts, but wanted to respond to you because I believe I may be in somewhat of a similar situation. 

My PD husband is pretty much openly carrying on with a woman while we are living in the same home.  I learned of the affair several years ago, only finding out after she "accidentally" became pregnant.  Since then, he was supposed to have stopped the affair, only remaining friends for the sake of the child, but I've come to learn recently that his affair never stopped. 

I spent the 2 months, before realizing it was BPD, reacting the way any normal person should in my situation; confronting him about his betrayal, deceitfulness, lying etc. I would display anger, pain, despair, confusion, blame to him. At times he appeared to show signs of guilt but they were short lived. And his explanation for what he did has changed so many times. Now I know what I'm dealing with and see that I can no longer show him my emotions, though I want to all the time. I want to scream at him for the devastation he has caused his family, tell him of the horrific pain I am in, and try to make him see what he has lost. But I know this wont make a difference.

I could have written this myself... . In the beginning, I couldn't help myself - Even though I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere, I tried to talk to him.  And after listening to his stupid excuses, I would feel my anger just boiling over. The day I actually wanted to throw a couch at him was the day that he tried to blame me for his affair.  Instead of following through, I told him that I will own 50% of the problems in our marriage, but the decision to have an affair was 100% his, and his alone.  He still tried to argue that I was partially at fault, but I managed to shut him up when I said, "I was not given a choice in the matter.  Had I been, I would have voted no, therefore it was YOUR choice."

Finding out recently that this was still going on paled in comparison to what I felt when I found out at first.  After the initial disclosure, I felt like a piece of me died.  I lost the ability to function or feel any happiness at all; I stopped doing the hobbies that I once loved to do; caring for my pets became more of a chore on a list instead of something that I loved.  My life as I knew it was over. 

That last part is true - My life is definitely different now.  I am still picking up the pieces, and still have plenty of bad days, but overall I'm getting stronger.  Instead of arguing any further, I recently informed my husband that a marriage includes two people, not three, so until it becomes that way, I am not participating in the marriage.  Seriously, why should he have the benefit of a wife while he has a girlfriend on the side?  Trying to be patient, I may have made it so comfortable for him that he had little incentive to change his behavior.  As of now, we're in the same home but maintain LC - I will make a more permanent decision on my own timeline, not his.

If you have recently learned about BPD and this affair, I'd say to give yourself some time and space.  You'll be in a state of shock for quite some time, and may not be in a position to make great decisions - the way that you feel now may not be the way that you may feel 6 months or a year for now. If you are able to do things to take care of yourself, please do so. Surround yourself with people who love you (If it wasn't for a couple of wonderful, patient friends, I would have lost my mind), and know that this does get easier with time.   

[hardhabit2break]

Hi Validation and Saffron2

Thank you both for the information and insight. Though it may seem too soon, I have already decided to divorce my BPD H. I knew very soon after finding out about his betrayal that the marriage was over.  I did not know then that it was BPD but had thought for several years that he was bipolar.  His reaction to me finding out was bizarre.  My family is my world and my love for them is unconditional. But my belief was that my H felt the same. Knowing now that he doesn't feel the same, and can't feel the same, has guided me in that decision. He chose her over US, not just me... . but me and our two children, (S25 lives at home and D17). I can't live a life with someone whose family does not mean everything, whose selfishness comes before us, and who risked it all for "excitement."  I would never do anything to hurt my family. And I will not live a life where I can not trust. I would have tried everything to keep my marriage, anything I had to, had it been anything else.  I have already filed for divorce and have a court date soon where I am hoping for a decision to get him out of the house. That may not be the decision and I am preparing myself for that too. So for now NC would be best but as you said, Validation, LC is probably a better route for now.  I must admit that I have had some slip ups (the emotions are so high for me still) and told him off this morning as he was leaving for his weekend with his girlfriend. Then followed up by calling her and leaving her a message. I didn't say anything horrible or cruel. Sometimes I just want to be heard, even if my words mean nothing. I know so many of you can understand the frustration.

Saffron, I am sorry for all that you have been through and are going through.  And I can relate so well to the emotional hell of finding out about betrayal.  I am better today than I was two and a half months ago and I never want to go back there again.  This is a true grieving process, similar in so many ways to when I lost someone I loved who was very dear to me. I have lost my husband, for this man now is not that man. I am living with I stranger who I NEVER want to know.

I, as well, have good people around me and this site has been amazing. And today I give myself a pat on the back for having a mostly good day. I am a happy person and happiness is out there.  I just have to travel this road to get there.  Be well, all who are struggling out there!

[Saffron2]

Hello again, Hardhabit. 

For whatever it's worth, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well considering what you're going through. I've been dealing with this for years, and long to get to the point of clarity and determination that you seem to have gotten to in a matter of months.  Unfortunately I'm still stuck in a pattern of grieving - this does feel like a death to me.  It is a death - death of my marriage; death of our future together; death of my hopes and dreams.  The man that I once shared everything with has become a stranger to me - that's a tough pill to swallow.

I still feel like I need some kind of closure.  I need him to hear me, and to understand how devastating his behavior has been, yet somehow accept that fact that he's not capable of giving me what I need.  He's a narcissist with an impaired ability to empathize. I'd have better luck explaining my feelings to a doorknob. 

I hope that you'll hang around and keep posting - you are such a motivation to others.   

[hardhabit2break]

Saffron,

Yes, I agree, it is a death, unlike any I could have imagined. I never in a million years would have thought my H could do these terrible things.  As difficult as he was at times, I believed deep down he was a good man and loved me and our children. And he did, but only to the extent he was capable of.  Learning about BPD less than two weeks ago has been a real eye opener.  Up until that time I spent two months so caught up in figuring out what was wrong with him and how I could help him.  Though I had already decided to divorce him, I wanted him to be well. I felt like I was the only one who could help him. I felt sorry for him, sometimes I still do. Can you believe that?  How awful it must be to live with constant turmoil in your head.  Right now he doesn't know he is messed up, he is euphoric and never happier.  But this won't last forever. 

I guess I have come to see that I am the lucky one in the end. I have normal thoughts, concerns, wants and needs. I deal with them normally; disappointment, anger, joy, happiness, and DEFINITELY frustration (frustration is a big one for me now). And when this whole mess is said and done, I will be happy.  I will struggle for sure.  Financially it is going to be difficult. There will always be tough times at one point or another. And there will be amazing times too.  And I will experience them all and deal with them all the way a normal person would. At times things may seem like they are just too much to handle (like this s**t storm), but I will make it through.  He, on the other hand will never really be "happy". He will never give the way I give (out of love), appreciate the little things, or share in life's wondrous moments of his children's lives.  I, like you, dreamed of my future with him.  It was there, we were living it, I could see it! I thought we were going to see our daughter go off to college, our son get married and become a father, and so many more amazing things.  But that's not who he is, he is this person right now! That is what I have; NOT the man I thought I knew, the man who was going to take care of me and make me feel safe.  So, what do I do with this man here right now?  What is best for me and my family? I get this man out of my home, out of my head, and out of my life! But guess what? All of those things I saw in our future, everyone one of them, they are still there for me to experience. He just won't be by my side.  It isn't easy to realize it. It hurts, God does it hurt (I cry thinking about it). But it will be okay, I will be okay, my kids will be okay and it would be wonderful if my future was more than okay.

I do not have closure, far from it.  Trying to just... . accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Mine has no clue what he has done and never will.  I don't think you or I will ever get that closure.  Accepting it is more where we need to put our efforts.  Ugh, so unfair to be the one who has to suffer so much! But please know they are the true sufferers! Lets just try to take care ourselves so we can then take care of those who really need us and deal with this nightmare! Be well!  BTW, yes I do tend to go on and on.  If no one reads it, it still helps to write it!

[Saffron2]

BTW, yes I do tend to go on and on.  If no one reads it, it still helps to write it!

You are absolutely right that it helps to write it all out, but no worries, people like me are reading this and cheering you on. 

hough I had already decided to divorce him, I wanted him to be well. I felt like I was the only one who could help him. I felt sorry for him, sometimes I still do. Can you believe that?  How awful it must be to live with constant turmoil in your head.  Right now he doesn't know he is messed up, he is euphoric and never happier.  But this won't last forever. 

Even if I divorced my husband tomorrow, I'd also want him to be well, so I can believe it.  He is a man who I, at one time anyway, loved very much. I shared my life with him and he is the father of my children... . I think what this says about us is that we are compassionate human beings.

You are so right that this won't last forever - just wait till some of that newness starts wearing off. Where is a relationship like this going anyway? Add in BPD and the fact that his new relationship was built on a mountain of lies equals a hot mess in the making. I hate to say it, but I think he has a rude awakening coming his way.

As much as I try to stay positive, it's tough sometimes because deep-down I'm furious.  Hopefully some of your wonderful attitude will rub off on me. 

[hardhabit2break]

Saffron

Though we want our husbands to be well, we both know that is out of our control. The only one who can help them is themselves. So bad I want my husband to be an amazing father to my children, but it is more likely he never will be.  I slipped up again last night and got into an argument with him in front of them. You will find this hard to believe, but it is the first time my kids (again S25, D17) have seen us actually have a fight (raised voices,hurtful words). Sure, we have had fights before, mostly just typical married life disagreements, but these took place behind closed doors. Most of the fights were never two sided, but rather his verbal attack on me. I, being the enabler, didn't say hurtful things because I never wanted to hurt him.  Anyway, now he is angry because I am no longer behaving like I used to and I have done some things just to annoy him (hate to admit it, but I can't help myself at times). I have been far from the vindictive wife; I didn't throw his clothes on the street, take a sledgehammer to his motorcycle, or damage any of his property. But my H can't handle when things don't go his way, no coping skills. I probably did put a damper on his weekend by calling his girlfriend just after he left the house, leaving a very pleasant (though sarcastic) message.  I know what everyone on this board will say I shouldn't do those things, and I know it, but we all know the frustration can be too much at times. So anyway, we had a fight and it makes me see how distorted his thinking is and how he doesn't care about anyone but himself (and of course his new SO).  My daughter spoke out for the first time in her life telling him she wanted him to move out and that she hated him.  Ow, I hurt for her so much.

Today we go to court for the first time and though  I am staying positive, I know the courts are slow moving. I am prepared for however things may turn out, though I will be disappointed if there are no resolutions today.

I am so thankful to have people who care about me and my kids, reinforced by the ones who have contacted me to wish me luck today and offer to come with me for support.  Keep your fingers crossed for me. Be well!

[Saffron2]

I'm sorry to hear that you had an argument with your husband, but not at all surprised.  There's so many emotions swirling around right now; so much pain to cope with. You'd almost have to be either a saint or a robot not to react in some sort of way. 

Good luck today!  Please come back and let us know how it goes.