Need a little convincing

[jimbobday]

So its been almost 2 years since my break up with my ex. It's been a rollercoster ride like no other I have had in my life. I have learnt a lot about myself and have grown a lot as a result, I have learnt some of what drew me into my ex and what kept me there.

I hadn't heard from her in around 9 months when I got a message for my birthday from her. This brought up all sorts of old feelings around maybe it was all me, maybe I was the dysfunctional one, Maybe I was the one who has BPD not her.

We had a very rocky relationship which was on and off for 6 years the last 1.5 years of it were after she left her husband to be with me. I got blamed a lot around the breakup saying that I was abandoning her, That I was leaving her and her daughter to fend for themselves. I recognize that what drew me in at first was her ability to really validate me and make me feel special, I had struggled with low self worth my entire life and then she came along and told me exactly what I wanted to hear. At first it took me a long while to really warm up to her and she had attempted suicide two times and called me both of those times as a cry for help. The thing is my previous relationships were very easy to detach from they took me all of a month or two, This one I still struggle with 1.5 years to some extent. I'd never felt that I had any real abandonment issues before this relationship and in previous relationships but near the end of this one I had them bad, I used to call all the time and would get anxiety if I hadn't heard from her and she just pulled further and further away as time went on. I eventually gave up and broke up with her and went through withdrawls and pain that I never had imagined feeling in my life, I felt like I was defective and worthless and still carry that to some extent. It's as if that feeling was there to a small degree before I was with her but after I split with her it went to a whole new level.

I've done all the right things post breakup. Went NC straight away and haven't replied to any of her attempts to contact, Started going to the gym and lost a lot of weight, Went into therapy, Made new friends and reignited some old friendships, Moved into a new flat, travelled the world and tried to live my life.

I've been working through Susan Anderson's book the last month or two and have found its been helping. I suppose I just need a little convincing that it wasn't all me and that she was actually BPD as she had a clever way of making it seem like it was all my fault and I was to blame.

[Validation78]

Hi Jim!

Sounds like you have done a lot of self reflection, and tried to be honest with yourself about your contributions to your relationship. Hummmm... . that's not something we often hear from pwBPD. I can't say for sure of course, however, it doesn't sound like you have it!

We all have abandonment issues to some extent or another, that doesn't make us BPD. Often, when we are around pwBPD, we develop what is known around here as "fleas", meaning some BPD-like thinking or behaviors. That doesn't men we have it either. Your breakup was not unlike many who have had relationships with pwBPD, very different than other breakups. Since the dynamics of the relationship were unlike those in others, it stands to reason that the breakup would be different too.

Bottom line is friend, relax. You sound like someone who has embraced his part in the dysfunctional dance. Has reached out for help. Has done what he needs to do to take care of himself and moved on to pursue a healthy, well balanced life, all the things we talk about here. Bravo!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[jimbobday]

Thanks Val78,

I have done a lot of self reflection and introspection on my issues that contributed to both the relationship breaking down and what prompted me to choose a relationship like that in the first place.

I think the hardest part for me is accepting that it wasn't actually all my fault that I wasn't the only one with issues. My self esteem plummeted dramatically after the relationship and I felt very defective always wondering what was wrong with me. My ex (as i'm sure a lot of others on here did) had an uncanny way of making everything my fault. Even when it was clearly obvious it wasn't I would come in with a sense that I knew I was in the right then by the end of the conversation I would feel like the bad guy. I remember one time when she showed me a photo of her hooking up with another guy, I rightly got angry about this and left to my parents for the day to get some space. Somehow that managed to get turned around onto me and it got made to be my fault and it was because I had gone and seen a friend that was a girl a few months earlier.

I suppose the last step in me detaching is accepting the fact that she had undiagnosed BPD and accepting the fact that it wasn't all my fault and that she was a long way from perfect. I know this intellectually I just have trouble really accepting it.

I've also been struggling with the fact that after 1.5 years I can still feel this way. I need to be a little kinder to myself about that and realize that it really isn't like a normal relationship breakup and the healing is a lot more in depth and a lot harder. I've also noticed at times when dealing with my various issues that they are in someone tied to the attachment that I still feel to my ex.

Hopefully some of that makes sense and doesn't seem like complete babble 

Thank you for listening and helping me to see things from a different perspective.

[seeking balance]

Hi Jim,

sounds like you have handled yourself quite well, but I do get the need to question BPD in ourselves at times.

For me, that shame button was able to make me think EVERYTHING was my fault and that if I were perfect, then it would all be ok.  Those were childhood tapes that I didn't truly see the effect until the end of the BPD relationship.

We are all flawed and we do our best - kudos to you for looking within. 

Peace,

SB