Job Stress Triggering uBPDw

[RoaringSilence]

I've heard some say "Walking On Eggshells" should really be "Walking on Landmines".  Landmine is a good analogy in my case, because land mines *can* go off w/o someone walking on them.  For my uBPDw, she is often triggered by her job.

She is a teacher.  This year there are several big changes happening at her school, including a grade change for her and changing classrooms.  This is the first week back at school.  She has spent nearly the entire summer dreading this rather than enjoying her time off.  As you can imagine, this has made a rather uncomfortable summer for me.  As others here surely know, the rages can come out of left field and her logic (or lack of logic) twists the facts around so that everything that has happened at school is my fault.

Some of her recent jabs at me have included:

"You were supposed to be my knight in shining armor."

"Spouses are supposed to help."

"This isn't my dream."

"We should have thought this out better." (Meaning we should have thought better about getting married, but we have now been married 14 years and have two children, sheesh!)

"My daddy would have helped me." (Her father is deceased.)

All of this coming at me because of events at school.  Of course, I had nothing to do with anything at school.  In her mind, however, it is my fault because I "make her work".  A little background there, though.  She insists on the children going to Christian school.  I don't make that kind of money.  She has taught in various Christian schools around the southeast U.S. for over 20 years, so the solution to this was for her to get a job at a Christian school, which she did.  The area where we live now only has two such schools that I know of (where she grew up had several).  She constantly sees other mothers at that school who do not work.  Of course, their husbands have really good jobs and can afford to send their children to private school while the mother does not work outside of the home.  OK, great, we don't have that.  So, apparently, I'm the cause of her feeling "trapped".  I'd be fine with the kids going to public school and her working elsewhere, even out of teaching, or if public education improved our finances, not working at all.

In a weird twist, even though she seems to hate the school and everything about it, she tells me she would be happy if we moved closer to the school (it is a 25 minute commute right now).  And... . for all of the things she seems to hate about the school, she would be happy to send the kids to this same school if she just didn't have to work there.

She is rather high functioning outside of the home, including at school.  The kids are seeing more and more of this and it confuses them.  They are 9 and 11 years old.  The 9 year old asks lots of questions.

My struggle right now is doing what the "Eggshells" book suggests, being a mirror instead of a sponge.  I feel like I'm being more of a rock instead. I'm not soaking in her anger and taking it personally (as best I can anyway), but I'm not sure it is getting back to her either. 

The kids are not in physical danger from her, but I worry a little about their emotional health.  I'm pretty sure my wife's problems stem from her parents' relationship (very rocky) and her mother's undiagnosed mental illness (might be BPD, could be something else).  I just don't want them to suffer the same fate as her.

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[SadWifeofBPD]

What if you said, "I want to help you.  I think you should quit your job since it makes you so unhappy.  We'll put the kids in public schools because, as we both know, your income is the reason we can pay the tuition.  Without your income, there isn't money for their tuition.  Here's a breakdown of our home expenses (w/o tuition) so you can see there isn't money for their school.  What do you say? "

Then, she'll have to "man up" and decide either quit and the kids go to public, or stay at her job.

If she picks staying at her job, then I'd further the agreement that the complaining and digs at you must cease.

[RoaringSilence]

Been there and done that.  I've found that logic has no place in serious discussions with my uBPDw. 

I should mention that a big part of the reason for her insistence that the kids attend private, Christian school is her own guilt and shame.  She attended such a school as a child and was indoctrinated with all of the rhetoric about the evil, Godless "government schools".  Her father was a big proponent of Christian education.  He is now deceased.  Her friends from "back home" also enforce the fear of public education.  I know she fears losing those friends if she were to do the unthinkable and send her children to public schools.  Nevermind the expense involved or the quality of the public schools in the area, logic has no place in these matters.

It also turns out that the Christian school from her childhood was a major issue in the marriage of her parents.

Obviously, this is a very combustible situation with roots going back over 40 years.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I understand that it's hard to use logic when dealing with an emotional issue and BPD.

So, what would happen if... .

You let your wife quit her job.  You pay all the household bills and there's no money left to pay tuition.  Then what would happen?  The school would kick the kids out.  The school isn't going to tolerate any illogic, and likely, she wouldn't try that illogic with them.


I'm a bit in the same boat.  H wants to retire, but he's in denial about how much all of his meds, etc, cost.  Many of his meds are optional... . not life needed.  However, if he were to retire, his check would go for bills first and then the truth of reality would smack him in the face.  He doesn't have any credit cards (only me), so he couldn't just put those Rx on credit.  So, he'd have to give those Rx's up if there's no money in the bank.

[Wanda]

 This is very common

BPDs hate change and i also went through this  with my husband  who is also high functioning he would always ruin any chance of a nice weekend or day due to not likeing his job... HE was unemployed for three and a half months he is a trucker, but he was very picky about where he went next

he got on to this one company first had to do a week training away from home, now i liked it, he didn't... THEn when that was over he had to learn to switch to nights, always saying to me he will quit and find a day job, making me miserable with him, he has no plans of quiting any job, but made himself miserable and me till he got through this change... now that he has been working nights for two weeks now he finally has accepted where he is at and doesn't mention another job, but it sure did take some time. maybe once your wife sees maybe it isn't as bad as she thought she will calm down it is a change and until that change is routine  she will go back to being ok with things... if not you can mention she can change to a differnt grade come next school year.

until then if things get to much try and take care of you, leave the house if things get to much. My husband knew he had to work (unemployment was no more )so he had to have a job to back him up. he also knew this job pays good he just has to adjust hours. once he knew what he was in to he lightened up each day about quitting...  of coarse it was my fault also because i made him work just all part of i quess the package of loving a BPD...  I beleive as time goes on she will be ok... . it is just another change and they really hate change... .    oh and  keep reading it will help and soon enough  will come on .