Trying to make a grounded choice

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I have to make a decision. I’m struggling with it. My former husband, with whom I have a pleasant friendship, has taken our sons on holiday, out of the country. I don’t usually confide in him but I have been staying at his house while he and the boys have been gone and I admitted things were difficult at home and my husband was depressed. He invited me to join them for the last week of the holiday and he generously offered to pay half the cost. (He has a high paying job and is a generally nice man. I am reasonably sure he doesn’t have any ulterior motives).

On one hand, it would be a chance for a rest from my husband, it would be one of the last chances to make memories like this with my sons (who are teenagers and unlikely to want to holiday with Mum much longer), a chance to go somewhere I have never been, and an opportunity to show my husband I mean what I say.

For all of our relationship, I have struggled with boundaries. He threatened and I gave in, he left and I chased, he broke his promises and did whatever he wanted and I let him walk all over me for fear he would leave. I have been working with my therapist who has encouraged me to “row with the oars I have” rather than exist on what ifs…what if he gets better, what if he never does this again, what if he leaves and never comes back….etc. She basically said live your life based on the information you have now.

After a nasty altercation when I said “don’t you care you are on the verge of losing me” and he replied mockingly and rolling his eyes “Oh please. I’ve been on the verge of losing you a million times” I realised taught him not to take me seriously. I have been more careful in setting boundaries I am prepared to stand by, not threatening him with me leaving as a last resort to force him to do things, and following through with what I say.

So, this week I made a boundary for myself around his gaming, as I explained in my other thread. He responded by being sarcastic, ignoring me or being dismissive and telling me he would talk it over with his therapist and “go from there”. In the course the week, I mentioned I had the chance to go to finish the boys holiday with them. He replied “I love you and miss you. I hope your holiday is refreshing”. It sounds nice but my experience of him tells me it is more mocking and eye rolling. He later accused me of driving past the house to check if he was home and today has been inviting me out for coffee.

I know it’s a big statement to go and will likely trigger his feelings of being excluded and abandoned etc. I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t want to keep giving away my life hoping that tomorrow will be a better day and then realising it still sucks and I gave things up for nothing. I also don’t want to continue advertising myself as fluff and smoke who doesn’t need to be taken seriously.

I don't know if I'm deluding myself about going being a reasonable course of action. Can you help me think this through?

[HoldingAHurricane]

I have to make a decision. I’m struggling with it. My former husband, with whom I have a pleasant friendship, has taken our sons on holiday, out of the country. I don’t usually confide in him but I have been staying at his house while he and the boys have been gone and I admitted things were difficult at home and my husband was depressed. He invited me to join them for the last week of the holiday and he generously offered to pay half the cost. (He has a high paying job and is a generally nice man. I am reasonably sure he doesn’t have any ulterior motives).

On one hand, it would be a chance for a rest from my husband, it would be one of the last chances to make memories like this with my sons (who are teenagers and unlikely to want to holiday with Mum much longer), a chance to go somewhere I have never been, and an opportunity to show my husband I mean what I say.

For all of our relationship, I have struggled with boundaries. He threatened and I gave in, he left and I chased, he broke his promises and did whatever he wanted and I let him walk all over me for fear he would leave. I have been working with my therapist who has encouraged me to “row with the oars I have” rather than exist on what ifs…what if he gets better, what if he never does this again, what if he leaves and never comes back….etc. She basically said live your life based on the information you have now.

After a nasty altercation when I said “don’t you care you are on the verge of losing me” and he replied mockingly and rolling his eyes “Oh please. I’ve been on the verge of losing you a million times” I realised taught him not to take me seriously. I have been more careful in setting boundaries I am prepared to stand by, not threatening him with me leaving as a last resort to force him to do things, and following through with what I say.

So, this week I made a boundary for myself around his gaming, as I explained in my other thread. He responded by being sarcastic, ignoring me or being dismissive and telling me he would talk it over with his therapist and “go from there”. In the course the week, I mentioned I had the chance to go to finish the boys holiday with them. He replied “I love you and miss you. I hope your holiday is refreshing”. It sounds nice but my experience of him tells me it is more mocking and eye rolling. He later accused me of driving past the house to check if he was home and today has been inviting me out for coffee.

I know it’s a big statement to go and will likely trigger his feelings of being excluded and abandoned etc. I don’t want to hurt him but I don’t want to keep giving away my life hoping that tomorrow will be a better day and then realising it still sucks and I gave things up for nothing. I also don’t want to continue advertising myself as fluff and smoke who doesn’t need to be taken seriously.

I don't know if I'm deluding myself about going being a reasonable course of action. Can you help me think this through?

[Scout99]

Hi HoldingAHurricane! 

And since I haven't gotten around to yet, I wish to welcome you to the community!

After reading both your posts I can sure understand that there are a lot of things going on in your life right now that is causing you a lot of pain and worry... . Like you I am too in a r/s that is sometimes, like now, turbulent, so I feel for you in how we so often find ourselves in a place where we feel torn... . For now, just know that we are here for you and we want to help and try to offer you whatever you might need to help you make a good decision for you at this time.

Sometimes rowing with the oars you got is not that easy... . Even if we want to... . And it is easy to loose perspective on what you want yourself and get lost in our partners fluctuations... .

I am in no position to tell you what you should do, but maybe it can help to ask yourself some questions?

Like where do you see this current relationship you are in now going if the things you want to change, (like regarding your husbands gaming), will not change?

When it comes to this suggested trip with your ex husband, would it be nice for you to be able to get this break away from your husband? What could be gained from it in regards to you, not taking into consideration you husbands feelings about it, but just what the benefit could be for you?

You write that you don't think your ex husband has any ulterior motives for asking you to come on this trip. Would you like to elaborate a bit on that? Is that a risk factor for you?

It is so easy to get stuck in indecisiveness when we feel that we have to take responsibility for our partners in everything we do, when it is really and undertaking that simply is to big for anyone to handle... . In the end we can only be made responsible for our own situation... .

We are here for you so keep posting and keep venting! That helps!

Best wishes

Scout99

[HoldingAHurricane]

Thank you for the welcome In terms of where the relationship might go if he keeps doing some of these things? I hope for a better future with him or the wholeness to choose a better future without him. So mostly I'm spending a lot more of my energy on myself than ever before so I can make better choices for myself. Like realising that having low self esteem meant that the validation I get/got was really powerful and influenced my choice to stay with him despite some pretty dismal treatment. So maybe if I work on my self esteem I'm not going to be reliant on him for giving it to me. Meanwhile, if he keeps on at therapy he might become a good choice and if he doesn't, I will be able to move forward on my own. I'm not there yet but that's the focus of my personal work.

Going on this trip would be a chance for me to spend some time with my babies and make memories to treasure. It would be a chance for me to reward myself for my hard work (I work a full time and part time job as well as care for my children and husband). I would be stretching my independence wings and doing something for me. It would be fun and spontaneous and a chance to be carefree without worrying about him being overwhelmed by noise and crowds and not getting enough sleep etc etc etc

My former husband is a nice man. We do a great job of parenting together. We have been supportive of each other over the years. I'm not interested in being in a relationship with him again and he has never indicated he wants that either. But I left him and I want to make sure never to hurt him by giving him an unintentional signal, just in case. I think he just heard I was having a bad time and thought it would be nice for me to have a break and for the boys to have their Mum around.

I want to go and have a special time with the boys and enjoy some carefree time without the weight of my husbands problems. I am caught up in worrying about how my husband will manage and what I will face when I get back if he dysregulates even more than he is now. Having said that, I was thinking how I might feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I probably wouldn't be thrilled about it.

   

[Scout99]

I want to go and have a special time with the boys and enjoy some carefree time without the weight of my husbands problems. I am caught up in worrying about how my husband will manage and what I will face when I get back if he dysregulates even more than he is now. Having said that, I was thinking how I might feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I probably wouldn't be thrilled about it.

It sounds to me from reading about your thoughts around going on this trip as if going on it could have a lot to give you.

Time with your babies!

Creating nice memories together with them!

A bit of well deserved reward for you, for hard work!

Time to reflect and stretching your independence!

A possibility of doing something for you!

A source of fun and spontaneity!

A possibility to let go of a lot of worry that is otherwise burdening you and a bit of letting go and be care free!

A moment to detach from co dependency deriving from your husbands many ailments, sleeping problems, noise and such!

A lot of good reasons to go actually! Not to mention the fact that you actually say that you want to go!

All these things are important because they address your needs and your desires, that often get to be shoved away into the backseat or even the trunk of the car, usually when we are in relationships with BPD partners who dysregulate a lot... .

Then comes the worry... . How will it effect things between you and your h, once you come home? And how would it feel for him? And even what if I manage somehow to hurt ex husband?

Isn't that a lot of responsibility right there for stuff that you really can't either foresee nor take upon you to regulate?

What if going gives you strength to deal with and handle things that already are a source of problems with your current husband? What if going away might help you gain new perspective on you husbands gaming and it's effect on you? And what if some time apart even might make you husband shift into a different and perhaps more positive gear when he gets you home again?

Again... . what can be gained from not going?

I think it is very positive the way you reason around your relationship as a whole in the beginning of your post about keeping an open mind for possible progress, but also creating a personal boundary, where you set a bar for what you want your life to be! And also already taking steps towards working on you, which often feels awkward after being washed in a PD partners presence for a long time... . Maybe allowing yourself to going on this trip might help you move in the direction you seem to want to go?

Again, I am in no position to tell you what to do or not, you have to make a choice that feels good to you! I do however want to make sure you take You into consideration too in making up your mind... .


If you haven't gotten around to it yet, there are a lot of information sources around this site on how to improve your relationship with a loved one with BPD that might be helpful. Here are a couple of examples:

Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship [NEW]

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

And again, keep posting and venting! We are here for you! And you are making a lot of progress already in your sound reasoning!

The staff on the staying board can also help you in the future with how to improve communication and how to handle difficult situations when in a relationship with a BPD partner.

You find that board here:

Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

Best Wishes

Scout99