Contact

[Eric1]

I'm not. I know it won't get me anywhere. Do you think she will try and re-engauge again?

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry Eric that you are in pain but eliminating suffering requires change. Craving the intensity of the bond results in clinging. Clinging gives power to the pwBPD. They will abuse that power.

The desire to reunite lies dormant, waiting to satisfy what you crave. Cycles repeat until we change. Change requires redirecting our will. To clearly perceive what is illusory, and accept change. All things change. It is the way.

We attach for many reasons. A pwBPD morphs their identity based on a particular attachment in time. They are ruled by intense emotion. Those emotions change rapidly. They attempt to be satiated yet cyclically fail. It is a systemic relational disorder. Without attachments they are empty.

We are emotional too, but have a better grasp on reason than they do. If you solely employ your emotional mind, you are mirroring their disordered process. Set emotion aside for a time. Let reason flow into clear perception and see truth. There is no shame in having loved a disordered person, but clinging to illusory expectations (which are unmet desires) always results in suffering. Ask yourself whether clinging to an illusory daydream is worth continued suffering. When emotion and reason conjoin, it results in wisdom. Harmony ensues as desire recedes.     

[Eric1]

I need to get it out my head that she was the be all and end all. Yes, she made me laugh and was pretty, but she also had a temper and couldn't be very nasty.

I'm sure she is in the honeymoon period with some new bloke, idolising him like she did with me and is head over heels in love. I need to remember that it won't last because they never do. He'll start saying, doing the wrong things which will turn her and bam! She will be the same as she always is.

I really want her to contact me, but I know it's best she doesn't. It's going to be a long road of healing & I just hope that at the end I will be stronger, can laugh again & will find someone who I connect with without the downsides

[Perfidy]

I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't find any happiness from anything.

I've been socialising with friends as much as possible. I've been working out, trying to keep busy. I've had sex with another girl. I'm planning on going on holiday with a friend.

But, i'm still miserable. I know that any reconcilation will never happen. I know that it would never work between us. She isn't the person who i thought she was. But, i still love her and miss her.

She treated me like crap, she lied, was abusive and finally ended up cheating on me, which i have forgiven her for. Yet, after all this, i still think of her, dream about her, want to see her.

Everyone says NC is the only option, which i understand & that time is the greatest healer. But, i honestly feel like i will not love anyone as much as i loved her.

Wow... This sounds just like I felt a while back. I am slowly making progress.

One thing that really did help was no contact. Another is hanging out here. Something that was said to me helped ease the anxiety for me. It was a dream of happy ever after that died with the r/s and that I needed to grieve that death of a dream. It isn't about the flesh and blood person. Love your self.

[Emelie Emelie]

Eric - I have a very tough time maintaining NC as well.  But I have to say... . every time I do contact my xBPD boyfriend I walk away feeling worse.  Every freaking time.  Of course we want to hear that they're sorry, that they love us, that they made a mistake, that they want us back.  Even if we're sure we wouldn't go back.  We're just looking for some validation that we actually meant something to them.  But that is NEVER what I hear.  I get a little push/pull but mostly I get blame or indifference.  And the indifference is the worst. 

But once again... . every time I end up feeling worse.  Not only from his response... . but because once again I've acted like a weak, clingy, head case. 

Even knowing this I still contact.  But it has slowed me down more than once.  And I know when I do it to keep my expectations very, very low.

[DeRetour]

Eric1,

Hey, just want to say - stay strong. You're in good company. I came face-to-face with a bit of an urge to break NC. I basically got home this evening, checked my mail and... . ah, a letter, a card actually from my ex. On the front, a simple poem. On the back, she wrote a couple of paragraphs, basically "thanking" me for helping her get her license (she's 24 and avoided this for a long time). Then she added that she's so sad because I should be there to help her celebrate, but "how do we get better... . how do we start to get along?" This girl really knows how to pull at my heart strings, let me tell you. (No sarcasm or irony intended here, btw)

I found myself wanting to text her some biting remark about her mood swings, then realized... . NO. This is not the way. And who knows what's going on in her life? I really ultimately DON'T want to know. Am I sad to think of her life? Of course. But some things are just lost causes. The world is full of many other problems that could use the help. Texting her will only make things worse, and make me feel ___ty. She'll probably never be able to see just how good and patient I was with her throughout the relationship. Rationalizing just isn't really possible. Waiting around for some sort of "Aha! I was really ___ty... . " just ain't happening, LOL

So, I'm taking the card and throwing it away. My point with sharing this is two-fold. Of course I want to get this off my chest, but, more importantly I also just want to say, hey, you're not alone in this struggle. Stay strong, stay strong! Okay?