Thoughts please. Detachment

[Perfidy]

When I was reading one of the posts I came across a statement about primary attachment. That when we feel emotionally needy we turn to our primary attachment. If we haven't moved on after the breakup that would be our ex. Ok say I finally manage to shake her once and for all but still am single. Do I really require attachment?

[Learning_curve74]

When I was reading one of the posts I came across a statement about primary attachment. That when we feel emotionally needy we turn to our primary attachment. If we haven't moved on after the breakup that would be our ex. Ok say I finally manage to shake her once and for all but still am single. Do I really require attachment?

I think the meaning is that the break up with a BPD is like losing a primary attachment like losing a parent? You have to be generally happy alone to be happy in a relationship in my opinion. It's just like people who win the lottery: the people who were happy before winning will probably remain happy, the people who were unhappy before winning will probably remain unhappy.

So the healthiest people probably can be happy alone but are happier when genuinely sharing their life with somebody they love and that loves them in return. If you can't be happy alone, then you will probably be plagued by fears that you are unworthy of love and will find it difficult to accept it. Sounds a lot like what BPD sufferers must feel like?

[Octoberfest]

I believe it may have been my post where you saw primary attachment mentioned.

There is a great book I have been reading called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love".

In it they assert that there are three attachment styles and that people are one of the three: Anxious, Secure, or Avoidant.

They base their assertions partly on research they have done with infants.

Imagine a young child (1-3 years old) who is carried by his mother into a strange room filled with toys.  Because his mother is there, his primary attachment, he feels secure and ventures into this strange, unknown world and explores.  Say the mother quietly leaves the room.  When the child notices, the child becomes upset and retreats because his primary attachment figure, the source of his security which allowed him to explore and venture out, is gone.

Of course as we get older we leave home and distance between ourselves and our parents grows.  We become more and more self reliant.

My point in mentioning primary attachments was not that you NEED one at all stages in your life. It is that we often have one with our BPDex's.  When we lose them it is like losing a part of ourselves; we feel naked.

I maintain that you DO NOT need a relationship to be or feel "whole".  I think pwBPD believe that you do, as they are incapable of feeling "whole" without one.  They have such a limited sense of self.  You are PERFECTLY capable of being self sustaining and finding happiness through the pursuit of your own goals in life.  If anything, I believe relationships should ENHANCE your experience.  They are no substitute for living a fulfilling life through yourself.

My point more than anything is that detaching from someone who you have formed such a strong bond with is incredibly painful and hard to do.

[Perfidy]

I believe it may have been my post where you saw primary attachment mentioned.

There is a great book I have been reading called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love".

In it they assert that there are three attachment styles and that people are one of the three: Anxious, Secure, or Avoidant.

They base their assertions partly on research they have done with infants.

Imagine a young child (1-3 years old) who is carried by his mother into a strange room filled with toys.  Because his mother is there, his primary attachment, he feels secure and ventures into this strange, unknown world and explores.  Say the mother quietly leaves the room.  When the child notices, the child becomes upset and retreats because his primary attachment figure, the source of his security which allowed him to explore and venture out, is gone.

Of course as we get older we leave home and distance between ourselves and our parents grows.  We become more and more self reliant.

My point in mentioning primary attachments was not that you NEED one at all stages in your life. It is that we often have one with our BPDex's.  When we lose them it is like losing a part of ourselves; we feel naked.

I maintain that you DO NOT need a relationship to be or feel "whole".  I think pwBPD believe that you do, as they are incapable of feeling "whole" without one.  They have such a limited sense of self.  You are PERFECTLY capable of being self sustaining and finding happiness through the pursuit of your own goals in life.  If anything, I believe relationships should ENHANCE your experience.  They are no substitute for living a fulfilling life through yourself.

My point more than anything is that detaching from someone who you have formed such a strong bond with is incredibly painful and hard to do.

                       WORD!