I'm back..after 4 years not posting on here... and nothing has changed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all

I haven't posted on here for 4 years... . but I'm back after still being in the marriage to a BPDw

I'm 40... . I'm very tired. I tried to leave last year and had a seizure 

In the 6 months I wasn't allowed to drive because of the seizure, she did look after me... . drove me around, realised what an affect her behaviour had on our marriage... . she started to build relationships with the new born children who are now 4 years old and who she had previously not seen because of our pregnancy issues.

But you know, even though there has been an improvement... . I can't forget everything which has happened... . and I can't forget that I had a seizure which I really do blame on the stress of her BPD.

So I announced the end of our marriage on Monday... . she took a load of tablets etc, ended up in hospital... . the only positive is that her CPN finally realised that she has BPD and has informed her pyschiatrist that her needs to rediagnose her from anxiety and stress to BPD.

I originally wrote to the pyschiatrist about BPD 4 years ago.

And now she says, 'how can you leave me now we know its BPD... . '...

I'm going to get the major guilt attacks coming on... . I'm still in the house with her, wedding ring off... .

I gotta find the strength to finish what I have started

[desperatehubby]

Hi all

I haven't posted on here for 4 years... . but I'm back after still being in the marriage to a BPDw

I'm 40... . I'm very tired. I tried to leave last year and had a seizure 

In the 6 months I wasn't allowed to drive because of the seizure, she did look after me... . drove me around, realised what an affect her behaviour had on our marriage... . she started to build relationships with the new born children who are now 4 years old and who she had previously not seen because of our pregnancy issues.

But you know, even though there has been an improvement... . I can't forget everything which has happened... . and I can't forget that I had a seizure which I really do blame on the stress of her BPD.

So I announced the end of our marriage on Monday... . she took a load of tablets etc, ended up in hospital... . the only positive is that her CPN finally realised that she has BPD and has informed her pyschiatrist that her needs to rediagnose her from anxiety and stress to BPD.

I originally wrote to the pyschiatrist about BPD 4 years ago.

And now she says, 'how can you leave me now we know its BPD... . '...

I'm going to get the major guilt attacks coming on... . I'm still in the house with her, wedding ring off... .

I gotta find the strength to finish what I have started

[frustrated b/f]

aw man, tough story! I dont' have any advice, but just take things day-by-day.

I was diagnosed with anxiety from stress and HBP, I thought was because of other factors in my life, but reading your story I'm convinced it was a result of the all the stress from my S/O BPD tendencies

[Validation78]

Hey DH!

Sorry to hear that things have gotten to a point where you don't feel like you can hang in there anymore. Many of us reach a point where we feel we've done everything possible to salvage our relationships, and we just have no more to give. If you can get yourself past the FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt), you will find the strength to do what you must for your own well being and that of your children!

In the meantime, you may want to check out the Family Law Board and become familiar with the legal issues that are bound to arise during the leaving process, especially with children involved!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[WalrusGumboot]

desperatehubby,

I was married to mine for 23 years and felt like you do now. How would I find the strength?

Similarly to you, I felt my life was at risk due to failing health. SURVIVAL is what helped me find the strength. It is amazing to what depths within us we can find a reservoir of strength! During the divorce, things got worse, and I got stronger. When it was all done with, I was flat out exhausted, but I did it.

My suggestion is to just keep focused on the end result you desire. Keeping your goal front and center in your mind helps a lot.

Wishing you the best!

[desperatehubby]

Thanks all, and Walrus - I seem to remember you from when I was last here around 4 years ago.

I keep getting the 'I love you, I don't want to get divorced' words back at me and 'How can you through away 10 years'...

Deep down inside I would never have wanted to end a marriage, but I just can't see how life will ever be stable. And I do of course have feelings for her.

She has been referred onto a program of help coming into the UK called STEPPS... . but how do I know it will help? Will it ever make life normal?

[WalrusGumboot]

desperatehubby,

I was around 4 years ago. I was probably still in the undecided camp back then or just starting my exit campaign.

I also got the "how can you throw away... . blah blah" treatment, as well as the "Your done with me and now you want to throw me in the trash... . ". She pulled every heart string I had. She also agreed to couples counseling with the pastor of our church, but conveniently had an excuse for that not actually happening. Now that she sees the end coming, be prepared for anything and everything to be thrown your way. Trust me, it will come. I was recycled three times, so it worked on me until I had enough.

I'm not sure what to tell you about STEPPS (I did Google it). I imagine it would take years of commitment to it for you and her for "normal" to have a chance to reign in your household, and there are no guarantees. You have to make the best decision for yourself as to whether you can take that chance. You know your health better than anybody.

WG

[desperatehubby]

What concerns me as well is the thought of STEPPS being yet something else in a long line of CBT, counselling, psychotherapy etc all of which worked for a few months until she forgot the techniques used... . and then we went full circle again

And I'm tired

[WalrusGumboot]

And I'm tired

That simple quote speaks volumes. You know you didn't sign up for this.

So, in your initial post you already announced the end, and you are still in the house with her. That is the way I started out, sleeping in the spare bedroom.  Turns out that was a big mistake, but at first it sounded like it could possibly work for a while. After a month, things got very, very bad. I'm talking about throwing pictures, kicking in walls, breaking doors bad. When you stand firm in your decision and they sense you are not going to change your mind, you will most likely experience their extinction burst. Is there any arrangement possible during this time besides being under the same roof?

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, they're really good at looking after us when we're sick - you gotta hand it to them.

I wish you all the strength in the world to get out of it when the tiers right for you (not her).  I went back but couldn't forget the horrible things she did either and I doubt you'll get over that. I wish you all the strength in the world as you're still young at 40.

[desperatehubby]

Walrus - there is my parents house, but it's literally 2 mins walk and so close to home, and I just don't know if parents is the right thing... .

AussieOzBorn - yes, she has looked after me, I've been so surprised it's made me think differently, but as you say the visions of stuff from the past are still with me, even if I use my own techniques gained through counselling years ago of putting them 'in a locked box in my mind'... . makes it easier but I still know the contents of the box... . the past cannot be erased... .