Should I respond?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all, I really need some advice/input.   I know what the answers are probably going to be, but in all honesty, I just need to hear it from folks who are going through the same thing I am and understand.

My gf dumped me about two weeks ago, less than 24 hours after us telling each other how much we loved each other, firming up our plans for her to relocate to where I am.   Out of the blue she informs me she is dumping me for "a better man" who was flying up to see her for that weekend.   The background story with this monster is the same as so many of you have already told, so I won't relate mine.

Needless to say I was devastated and was and still am in quite a bit of emotional pain.

I have managed to stay nc for the last week despite several messages to me painting me black.

Well tonite she sends me a message about how much she loved me, how sorry she was, how she really isn't BPD, she was misdiagnosed, oh and wishing me well in my new relationship (always a fantasy in her mind) and asking me to wish her well in hers.

I so want to respond something to the effect of "You were the one cheating and setting up a new boy toy while we were making plans for our future."

I simply closed out the message without reading all of it.   I am trying to live by the code of:  "If in doubt, don't."

Please, I need re-inforcement from you folks who are going through this same crap to tell me do not respond.   I would be lying if I said my first reaction is to do whatever it takes, say whatever needs to be said to get her back.   But I also know that would lead to further self destruction.

I just need a little encouragement to stay  strong and not respond at all.

Thank ya'll.

[cylec]

Hi all, I really need some advice/input.   I know what the answers are probably going to be, but in all honesty, I just need to hear it from folks who are going through the same thing I am and understand.

My gf dumped me about two weeks ago, less than 24 hours after us telling each other how much we loved each other, firming up our plans for her to relocate to where I am.   Out of the blue she informs me she is dumping me for "a better man" who was flying up to see her for that weekend.   The background story with this monster is the same as so many of you have already told, so I won't relate mine.

Needless to say I was devastated and was and still am in quite a bit of emotional pain.

I have managed to stay nc for the last week despite several messages to me painting me black.

Well tonite she sends me a message about how much she loved me, how sorry she was, how she really isn't BPD, she was misdiagnosed, oh and wishing me well in my new relationship (always a fantasy in her mind) and asking me to wish her well in hers.

I so want to respond something to the effect of "You were the one cheating and setting up a new boy toy while we were making plans for our future."

I simply closed out the message without reading all of it.   I am trying to live by the code of:  "If in doubt, don't."

Please, I need re-inforcement from you folks who are going through this same crap to tell me do not respond.   I would be lying if I said my first reaction is to do whatever it takes, say whatever needs to be said to get her back.   But I also know that would lead to further self destruction.

I just need a little encouragement to stay  strong and not respond at all.

Thank ya'll.

[Emelie Emelie]

You are sounding pretty strong to me!  To close the message without reading all of it?  That takes a strength I don't have.  Hang on to that.  Sounds like you've done an excellent job so far.

[cylec]

You are sounding pretty strong to me!  To close the message without reading all of it?  That takes a strength I don't have.  Hang on to that.  Sounds like you've done an excellent job so far.

Emelie,

If only I felt as strong as I appear to be.  I read more of it than I promised myself I ever would when she did contact me again (which we all know they always will).

But, my friend, thank you so much for the words of encouragement.   

Cyle

[Octoberfest]

A different perspective than what you may be expecting... .

I am not going to discourage you from replying.

When I was going through the worst part of accepting my breakup with my BPDex (which finally happened when I ended it after finding out that she was AGAIN dating two people at once), I had a hell of a time committing to NC.  It was something I was trying to do because that was what people told me to do; stop all contact, move on.  I found myself struggling, breaking NC every 4-5 days and finding something, anything, to message her about.  That happened a few times, then it lasted 2 weeks... . and then a month... . I am now 3.5 weeks without contact, and I have taken the step for the first time of blocking her number (both incoming and outgoing) as well as email and skype. 

My point is I guess, NC is only effective and productive if you are committed to it.  I wasn't able to maintain it because I wasn't ready to take that step.  I wasn't ready to let go.  And all of the time that I was NC, until I broke it again, I was in pain, longing to contact her.  It wasn't conducive to healing.

What finally set me on the course I am now, where I really don't have any desire to contact her OR hear from her, and what desire I do have is quickly squashed by the knowledge that it would only drag me back down the rabbit hole, was my last exchange with my BPDex that finally proved to me that contact would have ZERO benefits.  It wouldn't give me any closure, it wouldn't change anything, past or present, it was only prolonging my pain.  But it took contacting my BPDex to finally get myself to BELIEVE that, as opposed to just knowing that others thought that.

So I am not going to try and talk you out of responding.  I needed to keep responding for as long as I did.  I had to get to a place where I decided personally it wasn't something I wanted to do anymore.

Our recovery from our relationships with our BPDexes is a very personal thing that happens in our own time.  Everyone's journey is unique; there is no one path to healing.

[HealingSlowly]

nicely said, Octoberfest!   

[DeRetour]

Cylec,

Hey there! Okay, hats off to you for having the strength to just close up that message rather than read through the whole thing, torturing yourself. Just want to say a couple of things.

One, you are not alone here in the struggle with maintaining NC. Earlier this morning, I posted up here in dealing with questions/doubts of NC. You see, I'm in week 3 of the second (and final) breakup with my uBPD-exGF. For the last few days, she's tried to contact me. This morning, she texted me to let me know she was losing her mind, missing me, etc. Of course it hurts and I feel ___ty. However, in my particular situation, I've decided this is the best way. These past 3 weeks have felt a lot like a detox and this is how I need to handle it. That said, I think it's important for you to decide how you want to handle NC. My thought is, whatever you decide, do it with the understanding that you are in the driver's seat.

If you decide to stick with NC, then know that you are not alone in this. There are certainly ups and downs, but faith is an important thing here. Trust that it will get better. That's what keeps me going! And in the meantime, it's really a good thing we've got a place to vent, post, offer and ask for support.

Stay strong! Keep at the healing!

-deRetour

[Perfidy]

My sense of humor is starting to return. I had a great sense of humor before all the drama and sorrow... . If you haven't had enough pain then by all means help yourself to some more. Pain is a great motivator. I helped myself to enough pain that I couldn't feel anything BUT pain. Since I decided to burn the bridge and discard the friend card I am slowly coming around. Forgiveness helped but wasn't enough

[patientandclear]

If you do reply, I suggest not being accusatory or mean (e.g., the boy toy comment).  She is already flooded by shame and regret.  I think engaging in that sort of commentary just sets you up to regret what you said later, wish you hadn't, and need to communicate some more to undo it.

If you reply -- and I agree with Octoberfest, I think often we need to do that until we are ready to disengage more completely -- I'd suggest validating her sentiment. What does it cost you?  And isn't it true?  You could say "I am sad too.  I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time.  I am too.  I wish we were able to navigate this differently."  That doesn't mean you are willing -- presumably you have either concluded it can't go well ever, or that there are things that would need to change to resume the r/s -- but you don't need to say all that in a simple affirmation text that this is sad and you feel it, too.

[rosannadanna]

Since it's only been two weeks since the breakup, I am guessing she is not contacting you to get back together.

Instead, she feels shame and guilt for lining up your replacement and ultimately devaluing and discarding you.

The contact is about:

1. obtaining forgiveness from you, which allows her to shed her shame and guilt

2. Working you back into the picture as a backup, which consists of the usual "let's try again", all the while triangulating (read definition) you with her last replacement or her next

3. general narcissistic supply

She is not doing this to mind___ you.  She is doing it b/c she has a shattered core and an attachemnt d/o.  She is not able to sustain an intimate adult relationship.

If you don't want No. 2 and 3, you should not respond or just respond with controlled contact (there are other threads about this kind of contact).

CC should only be given to throw her a bone on No. 1, b/c you have compassion for her (ex. "I appreciate your apology.  I wish you the best."

This is a life experience with no right or wrong way to do it.  There are varying levels of stuckness or unstuckness, that's all.  :)on't judge yourself.  You are who are and you do the best you can.

Take care:)