I have decided to end it, heartbroken again as always but that will never change

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all

I have decided to try and end this madness, because I don't see an end to the pain BP keeps causing me ever.

This breaks my heart, as I really had decided a long time ago, I had wanted to be with him forever, but as things progressed, I was abused and rejected several times weekly, for the past 3.5 years of my life.

I know we are supposed to stop making it worse, but when the BP in your life thinks disappearing overnight every week, and being 'unavailable by mobile' is acceptable to his girlfriend that is not OK. Then ringing up the next day and acting like everything is fine again, plus making justifications for his disappearing act, whilst he has caned you out for being a lying cheat most of the time he has known you, then I don't find double standards agreeable.

Not when I am required to be reachable by home phone/mobile every day all day, (incase he needs to phone me for reassurance). And not when I am expected to message him Goodnight every night, to reassure him yet again, yet if I try calling his mobile at nights, he doesn't ever answer it.

Funny, because when I was working more hours at night, he was continually accusing me of cheating, (whilst I was at work for goodness sake). He justified this, because I had male friends/work associates when I met him and as our relationship went on.

I removed all these friends, and was isolated, but even that wasn't good enough, he just found new things to accuse me of.

I distinctly remember him stalking/threatening a guy who works down the road at a small shopping centre, apparently I was having an affair with him too! Ludicrous.

That guy was/is friendly and chatty because he works serving the public every day, and never tried to chat me up at all, just made polite conversation occasionally, like he does to all regular customers!

So BP used every aspect of abuse against me that exists, every week for 3.5 years.

I was publicly humiliated, at work at home and in general, he physically abused me, emotionally abused me, verbally abused me, (that was his worst), sexually abused me, (threatened to find another woman, and made nasty comments about my sexual performance/body/looks and compared me to his last great love that he still stalks), deprived me of sleep several times every week, either by preventing me going to sleep or waking me often in the middle of the night, (sometimes kicking or hitting me awake). He would block my car so I couldn't leave my own home to escape his provocations, steal my keys/wallet/phone, trap me in his car and refuse to let me out, follow me everywhere I went and stalk me, (work was no exception), threatened the lives of everyone I knew, threatened my life, attempted to take my life several times, once premeditated, (when I found a heavy wrench under the passenger seat of my car).

He threatened my teenage daughter, (to burn the house down when we were inside it if I didn't let him back inside), then he succeeded getting back in by promising to leave peacefully, then grabbing me as soon as I opened the door, to which my daughter freaked out and tried to pull him off me, by punching him.

BP reacted to this by flying out of the house in a flurry of further rage and verbal abuse, threatening to take legal action against myself and my daughter, by filling assault charges!

He never stopped punishing me for that night forever after. Yet he forgets his own actions that preceded that whole event!

That whole first 2 years he lived at mine off and on, he justified his treatment of me, saying I deserved it, because of the way things looked, and everyone else would see things the way he did too, (especially other men!).

Most of the times, he would refuse to leave to calm down and take a 'time out', yet I never ceased telling him that this had to happen if he got too upset and became verbally abusive.

He would agree with me, but never put this into action, and would prevent me from leaving also, any way he could. 

Several times I had to call the police to get him to leave me alone, and once there was a 72 hour restraining order, I was advised to place a permanent one on him, but was afraid to. BP was agreeing that he knew he needed mental health treatment, but wasn't ready to go 'down that path yet'. Sometimes he even joked about this, and had his parents telling me he had problems too! He would tell me to 'just ask my parents what I am like', like it's all funny or something!

These events happened every week, (sometimes twice). He would either disappear overnight in his car for several days, (to a nearby seaside city) and say he was 'sleeping in his car', yet he would never be reachable at night by his mobile.

For the first year, there were women prank calling his mobile quite often, these were women he knew before he met me, and only friends so he said. I don't believe this at all.

He went through about 7 mobile numbers whilst he was with me, and at least 4 phones, and strangely these prank calls kept coming to each phone! Amazing!

He thought nothing of mentioning they were still trying to call him, yet he didn't connect that I would wonder how they got his new numbers if he hadn't seen them since before he met me!

These women were allegedly 'massage girls', just how he met them, he didn't ever say! Yet every week, he thinks nothing of disappearing to the same city he knows they live in. If I was upset or insecure about him not answering his phone at nights, he would justify needing to go to that city because he spent a lot of time growing up there, and has lived there before, and likes the sea, (having done surfing in his past).

I would always be understanding about his need to go there, even his excuses about needing to get away from his parents and have time out without them 'abusing him', but the real truth, is that he is abusing them, and their kindness and support, (just like he did to me).

He never paid a cent towards any rent, or board, never did anything consistently actually. He likes to think he did everything he could, and was the totally supportive partner, always, but the real truth is that living with him was like living with a despot.

Yes, I can see the nice things he did do, but none of them were lasting or consistent, not even his feelings could be relied on for any security. He blew hot and cold like the wind, and like they say here, I doubt if he even knows who he is himself.

My opinion is that Mummy and Daddy have been enabling his huge ego his whole life, paying his bills when he runs out of money, taking his ill treatment of them and disrespect.

He is like a perpetual teenage boy, stunted emotionally, living like he has a sense of entitlement to sponge off those closest to him, and then resent them for it eternally. Resenting them for having boundaries, (which we all have).

He last lived at mine in February 2012, after yet again instigating physical confrontations, this time with my daughter and her partner who board with me.

My daughter's partner moved in here in December 2011, and from the day he arrived, BP had a vendetta against him, I was subjected to daily denigration sessions about what pigs they were, and on and on, this has never ceased. All he ever talks about, is what other people do with their money/homes and how they don't want to share with him because he doesn't have a job or money.

The reality is, who can afford to support someone who isn't prepared to live by the same rules others have to, including paying for their own accommodation consistently!

He seems to feel justified in being financially supported by all of us, (money hungry, selfish pigs, and all the other derogatory names he has abused us with the whole time), you should hear what he says about his own parents! It is absolutely disgusting verbal abuse.

Especially his Father.

His Mother supports him in his sick demented views about people, and occasionally the Father does too, so you can see exactly where he got his screwed up views from about people in general.

I grew tired of being his therapist every day, listening to him talk about himself, one way conversations, no amount of validating him ever got me anywhere, if anything it gave him license to act like more of a jerk.

He blames my daughter and her partner for the fact that him and I are no longer together, living together, or together in general. Yet I spent the last 15 months, travelling to see him, spend time with him, supporting our relationship financially, and when it suits him, he dumps me again, paints it all black, and says we haven't been together since I 'kicked him out' in favour of my son in law and daughter, who cannot share with him apparently.

The reality is, that since another male moved into the house, he has lost his control and his ability to act out like a despot. Another male has stood up to him, to protect the women who live in the house, and BP being a typical abusive male cannot handle that.

That is really what it is all about.

BP has rejected me and treated me very badly over the last 15 months, and justified it all over again. Silly me brought into it, because like all abusive males, he has brainwashed me into believing I deserved it all.

The fact that occasionally my own feelings flow out has kept me locked into that same guilt, that what if if really was/is all my own fault?

Over the time he lived at his parents yet again, (the last 15 months of our long distance 'interaction' he has managed to spend every cent he has every week, living beyond his means, relying on short term credit and credit card, making extra money every week selling car parts he finds or steals, getting help from his parents, help from me, and still feeling justified on living on his past glories.

Once he worked hard, once he owned properties, once he had his own homes, travelled. Apparently BP has the answer to how everyone should live their lives financially. Yet BP lived for free at mine, lives for free at his parents, makes all this extra money on top of his unemployment payment each week, and yet always runs out of money every week.

He continually talks about how he is doing it 'so hard', yet he spends $20 on takeaway coffees, too much on cigarettes and petrol driving god knows where, buying takeaway food, getting food at his parents occasionally too, and tells me every day the same complaints.

When he lived at mine, he brought a car without telling me, paid it off, and installed it at his parents, (using the excuse that I had 'commitments' in the form of dependent children, and he needed something to do for a hobby whilst he 'waited for my children to grow up', yea right, baloney.

Whilst he paid that car off, he relied on me to help him out every week, yet made my life just as unbearable as he always had. Resenting me, yet shafting me at the same time.

His whole ego is tied up in this project car, yet it isn't even legally able to be driven on the roads. His legal drive car, is falling to bits, and he has been given the money by his Mother to repair it in the past, but he didn't use the money he conned out of her to fix it, he blew the money instead.

She just says Oh well, and supports him in not giving it back to her like he promised.

Myself and my daughter, (who works in an Auto store) offered many times to get cheap parts for him, (with family discount) but we were told No, then punished forever for 'not caring about his car needing repairs'.

I give up.

In the last 2 months, I have seen BP in person only twice, the 10/6 when he assaulted me, resulting in a police call out from a neighbours at 3am, so I could retrieve my broken phone, damaged car, broken stuff and drive 40 minutes home, after his waking me to his abuse, and hours of provocation first.

He justified assaulting me, because of February 2012, when he yet again instigated physical conflict with my daughter and her partner in my absence, and was punched back by my daughter.

On the 7/7 he conned me into going back to spend the night with him, and then did the exact same thing, abused me, and tried to damage my car when I drove off to work.

His excuse?

I have to make him a priority in my life for once! What a joke!

I should get a house and share it/my life with him again, or our relationship is over, (wow, again?).

He refuses to see me, or spend time with me doing anything nice, insists he is over having to spend time with me in his degrading accommodation at his parents house, and then punishes me that we never see each other.

Yet the whole 15 months I have gone up there to see him, after being accused of it not being 'good enough' for me, about 10% was him being nice company, and the rest he was acting like a complete jerk to me and justifying why he was so mean and cold and nasty.

I cannot believe I have been foolish enough to keep hoping for a pathetic dream that was never going to happen ever.

He had every chance to resolve things here, with my family, they asked several times that he sit down with them and resolve things, but he refused to make peace, dismissing us all as idiots and children.

After that, we decided that we did not want him living here permanently until he agreed to resolve things peaceably and move on from his resentments.

As always, he is blaming someone else for his relationship not working. He won't take responsibility for anything, and will simply move on to his next target.

I already know he has kept backstops to me this whole time, and I am over it.

There is no point in him calling me as he will only justify why it didn't work between us, and take no onus on himself anyway.

I am very angry right now, but I am also over being heartbroken every week of my life over this jerk.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I have decided to try and end this madness, because I don't see an end to the pain BP keeps causing me ever.

This breaks my heart, as I really had decided a long time ago, I had wanted to be with him forever, but as things progressed, I was abused and rejected several times weekly, for the past 3.5 years of my life.

I know we are supposed to stop making it worse, but when the BP in your life thinks disappearing overnight every week, and being 'unavailable by mobile' is acceptable to his girlfriend that is not OK. Then ringing up the next day and acting like everything is fine again, plus making justifications for his disappearing act, whilst he has caned you out for being a lying cheat most of the time he has known you, then I don't find double standards agreeable.

Not when I am required to be reachable by home phone/mobile every day all day, (incase he needs to phone me for reassurance). And not when I am expected to message him Goodnight every night, to reassure him yet again, yet if I try calling his mobile at nights, he doesn't ever answer it.

Funny, because when I was working more hours at night, he was continually accusing me of cheating, (whilst I was at work for goodness sake). He justified this, because I had male friends/work associates when I met him and as our relationship went on.

I removed all these friends, and was isolated, but even that wasn't good enough, he just found new things to accuse me of.

I distinctly remember him stalking/threatening a guy who works down the road at a small shopping centre, apparently I was having an affair with him too! Ludicrous.

That guy was/is friendly and chatty because he works serving the public every day, and never tried to chat me up at all, just made polite conversation occasionally, like he does to all regular customers!

So BP used every aspect of abuse against me that exists, every week for 3.5 years.

I was publicly humiliated, at work at home and in general, he physically abused me, emotionally abused me, verbally abused me, (that was his worst), sexually abused me, (threatened to find another woman, and made nasty comments about my sexual performance/body/looks and compared me to his last great love that he still stalks), deprived me of sleep several times every week, either by preventing me going to sleep or waking me often in the middle of the night, (sometimes kicking or hitting me awake). He would block my car so I couldn't leave my own home to escape his provocations, steal my keys/wallet/phone, trap me in his car and refuse to let me out, follow me everywhere I went and stalk me, (work was no exception), threatened the lives of everyone I knew, threatened my life, attempted to take my life several times, once premeditated, (when I found a heavy wrench under the passenger seat of my car).

He threatened my teenage daughter, (to burn the house down when we were inside it if I didn't let him back inside), then he succeeded getting back in by promising to leave peacefully, then grabbing me as soon as I opened the door, to which my daughter freaked out and tried to pull him off me, by punching him.

BP reacted to this by flying out of the house in a flurry of further rage and verbal abuse, threatening to take legal action against myself and my daughter, by filling assault charges!

He never stopped punishing me for that night forever after. Yet he forgets his own actions that preceded that whole event!

That whole first 2 years he lived at mine off and on, he justified his treatment of me, saying I deserved it, because of the way things looked, and everyone else would see things the way he did too, (especially other men!).

Most of the times, he would refuse to leave to calm down and take a 'time out', yet I never ceased telling him that this had to happen if he got too upset and became verbally abusive.

He would agree with me, but never put this into action, and would prevent me from leaving also, any way he could. 

Several times I had to call the police to get him to leave me alone, and once there was a 72 hour restraining order, I was advised to place a permanent one on him, but was afraid to. BP was agreeing that he knew he needed mental health treatment, but wasn't ready to go 'down that path yet'. Sometimes he even joked about this, and had his parents telling me he had problems too! He would tell me to 'just ask my parents what I am like', like it's all funny or something!

These events happened every week, (sometimes twice). He would either disappear overnight in his car for several days, (to a nearby seaside city) and say he was 'sleeping in his car', yet he would never be reachable at night by his mobile.

For the first year, there were women prank calling his mobile quite often, these were women he knew before he met me, and only friends so he said. I don't believe this at all.

He went through about 7 mobile numbers whilst he was with me, and at least 4 phones, and strangely these prank calls kept coming to each phone! Amazing!

He thought nothing of mentioning they were still trying to call him, yet he didn't connect that I would wonder how they got his new numbers if he hadn't seen them since before he met me!

These women were allegedly 'massage girls', just how he met them, he didn't ever say! Yet every week, he thinks nothing of disappearing to the same city he knows they live in. If I was upset or insecure about him not answering his phone at nights, he would justify needing to go to that city because he spent a lot of time growing up there, and has lived there before, and likes the sea, (having done surfing in his past).

I would always be understanding about his need to go there, even his excuses about needing to get away from his parents and have time out without them 'abusing him', but the real truth, is that he is abusing them, and their kindness and support, (just like he did to me).

He never paid a cent towards any rent, or board, never did anything consistently actually. He likes to think he did everything he could, and was the totally supportive partner, always, but the real truth is that living with him was like living with a despot.

Yes, I can see the nice things he did do, but none of them were lasting or consistent, not even his feelings could be relied on for any security. He blew hot and cold like the wind, and like they say here, I doubt if he even knows who he is himself.

My opinion is that Mummy and Daddy have been enabling his huge ego his whole life, paying his bills when he runs out of money, taking his ill treatment of them and disrespect.

He is like a perpetual teenage boy, stunted emotionally, living like he has a sense of entitlement to sponge off those closest to him, and then resent them for it eternally. Resenting them for having boundaries, (which we all have).

He last lived at mine in February 2012, after yet again instigating physical confrontations, this time with my daughter and her partner who board with me.

My daughter's partner moved in here in December 2011, and from the day he arrived, BP had a vendetta against him, I was subjected to daily denigration sessions about what pigs they were, and on and on, this has never ceased. All he ever talks about, is what other people do with their money/homes and how they don't want to share with him because he doesn't have a job or money.

The reality is, who can afford to support someone who isn't prepared to live by the same rules others have to, including paying for their own accommodation consistently!

He seems to feel justified in being financially supported by all of us, (money hungry, selfish pigs, and all the other derogatory names he has abused us with the whole time), you should hear what he says about his own parents! It is absolutely disgusting verbal abuse.

Especially his Father.

His Mother supports him in his sick demented views about people, and occasionally the Father does too, so you can see exactly where he got his screwed up views from about people in general.

I grew tired of being his therapist every day, listening to him talk about himself, one way conversations, no amount of validating him ever got me anywhere, if anything it gave him license to act like more of a jerk.

He blames my daughter and her partner for the fact that him and I are no longer together, living together, or together in general. Yet I spent the last 15 months, travelling to see him, spend time with him, supporting our relationship financially, and when it suits him, he dumps me again, paints it all black, and says we haven't been together since I 'kicked him out' in favour of my son in law and daughter, who cannot share with him apparently.

The reality is, that since another male moved into the house, he has lost his control and his ability to act out like a despot. Another male has stood up to him, to protect the women who live in the house, and BP being a typical abusive male cannot handle that.

That is really what it is all about.

BP has rejected me and treated me very badly over the last 15 months, and justified it all over again. Silly me brought into it, because like all abusive males, he has brainwashed me into believing I deserved it all.

The fact that occasionally my own feelings flow out has kept me locked into that same guilt, that what if if really was/is all my own fault?

Over the time he lived at his parents yet again, (the last 15 months of our long distance 'interaction' he has managed to spend every cent he has every week, living beyond his means, relying on short term credit and credit card, making extra money every week selling car parts he finds or steals, getting help from his parents, help from me, and still feeling justified on living on his past glories.

Once he worked hard, once he owned properties, once he had his own homes, travelled. Apparently BP has the answer to how everyone should live their lives financially. Yet BP lived for free at mine, lives for free at his parents, makes all this extra money on top of his unemployment payment each week, and yet always runs out of money every week.

He continually talks about how he is doing it 'so hard', yet he spends $20 on takeaway coffees, too much on cigarettes and petrol driving god knows where, buying takeaway food, getting food at his parents occasionally too, and tells me every day the same complaints.

When he lived at mine, he brought a car without telling me, paid it off, and installed it at his parents, (using the excuse that I had 'commitments' in the form of dependent children, and he needed something to do for a hobby whilst he 'waited for my children to grow up', yea right, baloney.

Whilst he paid that car off, he relied on me to help him out every week, yet made my life just as unbearable as he always had. Resenting me, yet shafting me at the same time.

His whole ego is tied up in this project car, yet it isn't even legally able to be driven on the roads. His legal drive car, is falling to bits, and he has been given the money by his Mother to repair it in the past, but he didn't use the money he conned out of her to fix it, he blew the money instead.

She just says Oh well, and supports him in not giving it back to her like he promised.

Myself and my daughter, (who works in an Auto store) offered many times to get cheap parts for him, (with family discount) but we were told No, then punished forever for 'not caring about his car needing repairs'.

I give up.

In the last 2 months, I have seen BP in person only twice, the 10/6 when he assaulted me, resulting in a police call out from a neighbours at 3am, so I could retrieve my broken phone, damaged car, broken stuff and drive 40 minutes home, after his waking me to his abuse, and hours of provocation first.

He justified assaulting me, because of February 2012, when he yet again instigated physical conflict with my daughter and her partner in my absence, and was punched back by my daughter.

On the 7/7 he conned me into going back to spend the night with him, and then did the exact same thing, abused me, and tried to damage my car when I drove off to work.

His excuse?

I have to make him a priority in my life for once! What a joke!

I should get a house and share it/my life with him again, or our relationship is over, (wow, again?).

He refuses to see me, or spend time with me doing anything nice, insists he is over having to spend time with me in his degrading accommodation at his parents house, and then punishes me that we never see each other.

Yet the whole 15 months I have gone up there to see him, after being accused of it not being 'good enough' for me, about 10% was him being nice company, and the rest he was acting like a complete jerk to me and justifying why he was so mean and cold and nasty.

I cannot believe I have been foolish enough to keep hoping for a pathetic dream that was never going to happen ever.

He had every chance to resolve things here, with my family, they asked several times that he sit down with them and resolve things, but he refused to make peace, dismissing us all as idiots and children.

After that, we decided that we did not want him living here permanently until he agreed to resolve things peaceably and move on from his resentments.

As always, he is blaming someone else for his relationship not working. He won't take responsibility for anything, and will simply move on to his next target.

I already know he has kept backstops to me this whole time, and I am over it.

There is no point in him calling me as he will only justify why it didn't work between us, and take no onus on himself anyway.

I am very angry right now, but I am also over being heartbroken every week of my life over this jerk.

[Surnia]

Hi rollercoaster

a big 

Yes, it lets us heartbroken realizing that this kind of dynamics will never change with our SO.

Its okay to be angry too. Don't beat yourself to be with him too long. 

Does he knows about your decision? What about practical things like changing locks? Stuff from him?

What do you need to stay firm in your desicion? Which is very important

Stay in touch, rollercoaster!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Surnia

Thanks for replying to me, it means a lot.

I am so angry and hurt right now, because I just wish I had never engaged him after he assaulted me, tried to recycle by painting our relationship black, doing his NC for two weeks, and avoiding me for 2 months.

For the whole 15 months that we have been Long Distance and living apart, I made consistent effort once again, to try make it work. He put in about 15% effort, whilst I put in 75% and he demanded I wasn't giving enough, (bottomless pit of needs).

My effort was weekly and consistent (in every way) his was not, even his feelings waxed and waned like they always did, no matter what I offered, or what I did, our relationship was painted black every week. I would be verbally abused, dumped, hung up on, he would disappear every week overnight, (never able to reach his mobile until the next morning) and there were always the same old excuses, (usually he fell asleep in his car) yet amazingly he never heard his phone ringing several times.

Any times I offered to go away for the weekend together, or even spent what little time off I had with him, I would be punished for it 'not being enough time' yet when I offered and he had money to do stuff himself, he would put me off coming to spend time with him, preferring to disappear several days instead.

He says he slept in his car, (parked somewhere safe) and says he is a light sleeper because when you 'live in your car' (hogwash when he has free accommodation at his elderly parents) you have to be alert to danger the whole night. Somehow the fact that he slept so soundly when I tried calling never seemed to sit true. It was a total contradiction actually.

He has now been back staying at his parents for 15 months, in February this year, he returned to this house, and my family made concessions, but did not feel comfortable with him having a key again, or him being alone in our house. I totally supported their feelings, and made sure that did not happen whilst I gave things a trial run again.

As suspected, BP ruined his chances, building his rants/projections/rages past the point of tolerance again. Since I refused to listen to his denigrations of my family, he publicly humiliated me to seek revenge. I drove off, and told him to leave, since he had dumped me again.

He returned to his parents, and the cycle of dysfunction that has always existed up there too. In October 2012, BP was served a 72 hour restraining order after threatening his Father with a weapon, (BP justified this to me).

This year about May, he foot-tripped his Father, and this resulted in an emergency department visit. He also became increasingly verbally abusive towards his Mother, so instead of denigrating her to me, he was calling her the same disgusting word that primarily was reserved for myself and his Father.

Splits his Mother between saint and sinner, just like me and everyone else.

It is interesting that BP has almost had assault charges laid against him in the past, after he deemed some weirdo was hanging around his car and would not go away, so instead of driving off like most of us would, after asking the person to go away, or just leaving, BP verbally abused this weirdo, and then was surprised the guy laughed at him and hung around more.

In response to the weirdo's refusal to leave, BP followed him, and threatened his life with a weapon, since BP is so intelligent and cunning, he managed to get away with charges being laid against him, and only got a fine, but what he doesn't realise is that Mental Health have him on record as being a Sociopath after that incident (and consequent communications with the Police over it).

I have often wondered if BP is also a Sociopath, because he meets most of the criteria for diagnosis. The only thing he doesn't meet, is that largely they are considered to be uneducated from the current literature I have read.

BP is highly educated in his trade, but emotional intelligence, (which is a necessary part of true intelligence is severely lacking in him, as is the capacity for true and lasting empathy for anyone but himself).

He is rather narcissistic about his 'gifted child' abilities, thinking himself a lot smarter than the average person is, (including me of course or anyone I know).

He puts his Mother in the same class as he puts himself, (since Mother was once a Primary School Teacher), and Mother does everything she can to encourage her sons egotism.

She is after all the reason he is staying the same, she thinks it OK to have him staying there, whilst he harbours violence towards his Father. As long as it isn't directed at her, she is very nice to BP, (giving him money and spoiling him) but once he takes his wrath out on her, she is back to cutting him down behind his back and to his face she is nasty too.

If she isn't doing that, she is dumping all her insecurites about her husband onto BP, (son). She believes her husband is cheating on her, and likely has the whole time, so she talks to BP about how Father deserts her, and leaves her alone, and goes out without her in public, talking to females everywhere, and remarking on their attractiveness.

It used to make me laugh that he would see himself as his poor suffering Mother in our relationship, and aligned me with his selfish egotistical Father, cheating all the time and never going out in public with him.

The reality was that his Mother was telling me that she had two of them to put up with, (her husband and BP her son).

BP's Father used to disappear overnight too, for weeks at a time sometimes, and the Mother never knew where he was or what he was doing. Then BP would split his Father white, and say that at least he came home, he cannot decide whether he thinks his Father is a devil or a good guy either.

Predominantly though, he openly is mean and nasty to his Father, (yet his Father has mellowed somewhat and does try to be supportive towards his son BP).

I hear denigrations every week about his parents, (usually from Friday-Monday) as he is running out of money and is forced to spend more time at the house with them, where they hate him, starve him, and abuse him every day...

More like the other way around from what I have observed. I bet his parents take way more punishment than they dish out.

In the last few months, BP has taken to verbally abusing his Mother too, so she has been telling him that he is to leave, and start working towards that more seriously. It wouldn't have mattered that she said it or not, since he has felt they didn't want him there from the start. Just like he did here, yet when asked to make amendments to his nasty behaviour, he would say he would, then act like everything you told him was forgotten, and then he would be more abusive because he had to leave, after being uncontrollably angry and dangerous too.

Um surprise!

[Surnia]

Hi rollercoaster

As is said in the other post: Don't be to hard with yourself. Perhaps it could help you to look forward:

What do you need to be firm in your decision? What will help you to have your life back?

Be kind with yourself, you deserve it! 

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Surnia,

Thanks again for writing back.

Time will help me take my life back, and ease this horrible addiction I had for the past 3.5 years I wasted.

If he leaves me alone, I will begin to heal, and say goodbye to him, if however he rings me up in two weeks because he just wants to cast his hook out to see if I will still take his calls, and I am not expecting this, I guess it will put me back again.

I can only get caller display from his parents number, so I can not take the calls, but as for payphones, it is harder to see where the calls come from. I avoided his calls today, as I knew he would likely avoid responsibility again and paint us black after my flurry of text messages telling him off last night and today.

By the way Surnia, I let rip on the texts so I am not proud of myself, but like I said, I am tired of never having a voice for my own feelings, opinions or anything else.

I am tired of being ignored, and tired of his double standards, and tired of being expected to be the sponge that soaks up all his nasty crap, whilst he never listens to me longer than five seconds without interrupting me or talking over top of anything I say.

It amazes me the amount of times I have to repeat things he asks, because he is too busy talking or thinking about the next thing he has to say instead of listening to me.

I am also tired of the expectation to never say anything that 'makes him feel bad about himself' yet he readily says all manner of cruel stuff to me without any respect for my feelings at all.

I am tired of his denigration campaigns and hypocrisy about everyone, I am tired of the crumbs of love he threw me and the eternal rejection I experienced from him, (whilst he waxed on about feeling rejected by me and everyone in my life).

The truth is, none of us were good enough for him to associate with, and that's why he left.

He kept telling me he didn't want to break up with me, and didn't want to let me go ever, but that is all he has done the whole time. It was I who sought therapy, I who read the books, I who sought help for my own problems and tried to read/practice everything I could to make things work better. It was he that spat in the face of every effort I made.

And all I really wanted was just for him to love me back, like he said he did, and show me instead of hurting me and feeling justified in doing so because I didn't live up to his high standards.

Those standards only applied to me of course, because he kept doing whatever he wanted, when he wanted, without me at all.

I tried to get on with my shell of a life, after each disruption over and over. And he would succeed in sucking me back in, making promises, talking about finding a job, talking about going to see a professional some day in the future, and he never lived up to any of the promises he made, yet he threw my empty promises in my face every week, without fail.

This is good therapy for me Surnia, because I spent all these years with a man who wouldn't allow me to have rights or a voice or feelings at all.

I hope I can stay angry for some time, that way I won't be tempted to take his calls or contact him myself, during a moment of doubt.

[MaybeSo]

RC,

The behavior you are describing is very very antisocial, much worse than just crazy making borderline stuff. Whatever his dx, it would take a very long and committed effort on his part to get better and he isn't going to get better because the way he rolls right now works so well for him.

We have many many very well educated sociopaths running industry and running countries... . do not assume a educated person is not sociopathic or  dangerous!

Do not even start beating yourself up over this! That is the path to allowing yourself to be more injured by him! Stop it! People get mesmerized and hooked into these relationships a lot, it is not just you, and we aren't stupid, we just get hooked in. The way out is making your wellbeing a priority, and beating yourself up isn't taking care of yourself. You matter! You have been through a horrific ordeal and you deserve to be safe and to get better.

My question to you is about safety and resolve.

This guy is dangerous. He is very ill, and his illness is nothing to fool around with. His mother is, too. Dangerously ill people, both of them. My heart goes out to mentally people

but when the illness is this dangerous you really have to kick in basic self protection as

your number one priority. Living off of you and being physically and emotionally abusive and

intimidating is a really bad profile and nothing good will come to you through your

association with this guy. I'm sure he has his charming moments, but that's part of the

profile that makes him dangerous to you.

What are your plans to stay NC and keep safe?

Are you safe? He will of course call and pursue you, what is your plan?

I strongly urge you to consult with a DV counselor asap. They usually work for free. Any

police station, crises hotline, hospital, etc, should be able to connect you with a DV

counselor. This is really, really important. Risk is always the highest when leaving or breaking up with a person like this. Do not put yourself in danger, please. Talk with a DV counselor, please.

[MaybeSo]

RC, let us know how you are doing. Thinking about you!

[rollercoaster24]

Hi MaybeSo

Thanks for writing back to me.

On the 9/8 after listening to him painting our relationship black and everyone else again, (validating his feelings as well), for 3 hours off and on, I ended the calls eventually. I had already tried to several times, but he ignored me and just kept talking, it didn't matter to him that I had already told him that I wasn't feeling that well myself, it was all about him, once again.

So he went all sulky and his tone became all cold, when I finally said I had to stop the conversations now. His response was to drive to his favourite city again to disappear overnight. This is his angry way of getting back at me, and that is why I have always had concerns about what he is really doing when he is there, since he is 'out of phone reach' the whole time, (and the fact that he seems to go there so often for the night). He didn't even have the money or petrol to get there, as when I called his Mother around 7 pm, (to see if he was inside with them) she told me he had called her on his way there, saying he had run out of petrol, but that he was OK now. He was checking to make sure his Mother knew where he was, (and I believe seeing if he could generate some sympathy since he believes she doesn't care about him at all as long as he isn't at the house for as long as possible, pretty sad ay).

I tried calling his mobile once I established he wasn't inside at his parents, and he did not reply, all night, (as is usual). I kept trying off and on until 11 pm, (since BP is always saying he doesn't sleep well, and certainly not in his car?).

He did not answer until 10 am the next morning.

His excuse? He had run out of petrol, I said Yes, I knew that, his Mother had told me, but he had said he sorted that out, so where was he the rest of the time? (from the afternoon before at 4 pm, until 10 am the next morning? I know if he sleeps in the afternoon, that he will not sleep much of the night, and given it is too dangerous to drive around and park in certain places, what the hell is he doing? How can anyone just drive around all the time, sitting in their car and talking to nobody?

He insists he is sitting/sleeping in his car, by the sea, which he loves.

I don't buy this, since I listen to a fair few of the things he says, and it seems like he splits between saying he doesn't talk to anyone about our relationship and his experience, to saying he talks to lots of people about it, and they agree with him being right. So you see, if myself and his parents are the only people he is close to, and according to him, he really only talks to myself and his own Mother about personal stuff, (and more me), then where do all these 'other people' factor in?

By 9 pm, after again trying to reach him several times,  I had already had enough of being continually hurt and rejected, and had sent him a lot of messages telling him it looks to me that he may well be cheating on me, since he never answers his phone when he disappears.

And he knows this upsets me, but doesn't seem to care. The mere fact that he refuses to spend time with me anywhere, (despite my huge efforts) and this has been this way for the whole time pretty much, is also worrying.

It is also hugely unfair that I get punished because we are never spending time together. I get the ultimatums to provide a house just for the two of us, since there had 'never been any time for just us two' at any time since he has known me, (his opinion). This is not true either, he got a lot of my time the whole time I knew him, he was just as much a priority to me, as anyone else was. And in actual fact, he got more of my time than anyone did, the fact that he ruined our time together, is not my problem.

I was and still am getting the third degree/twenty questions about my whereabouts at every moment of the day/night, and if I don't answer my phone at any time, I get accused of being up to something, or he takes that 'tone of voice' with me.

Basically, I am required to be consistent in 'my behaviour' but he seems to be able to be all over the place and do whatever he likes, and that is OK.

If say, I say I haven't gone up to work at night, (and completed all my tasks during the day instead since I work for myself now) he asks what I spent the evening doing. I always say I was reading, or watching TV, since that is the truth, he even asks what I was 'reading about'.

So, after my rather vitriolic text messages, (which is the only chance I get to talk about my insecurities, feelings) he rang the next morning, but it was just the response I predicted, so why did he bother ringing me?

If he rang and said 'Oh, (insert my name), I am so sorry I assaulted you, and so sorry we are not together, what can I change about my behaviour that will make that possible, since I love you dearly and so want to be with you?'

Instead, he rings up and gives me the concessions that I have to make, and merely justifies why he isn't with me, (blaming the people I live with). He tells me I will have to move on and find another man, since the one I had isn't good enough for my family to share with!

But he is telling me that he doesn't want to share the house with them! He is the one who has permanently denigrated my family behind their backs, and made violent threats against my son in law. The fact that they came home several times and heard him, (before things came to a head) didn't do him any favours. I had kept telling him that I did not want to be subjected to his denigrations of them, since I can see the good and bad in everyone. And it is my place to sort out any real difficulties in finances or issues with them, since I am the tenant with the responsibility and name on the lease.

I always told him that I understood his feelings, and his opinions, and I agreed with some of them, but it was my place to sort those out, since it was my daughter and son in law.

They had long wanted to sort things out with him, resolve any misunderstandings he may have had, or his concerns about things, but some of the things he was poking his nose into, were not any of his business at all. He wanted his own relationship and finances to remain private, but he wanted to poke his nose into how they were managing their money. He often said that he felt they were taking advantage of me financially, and why should we have to pay for it, (but it is me who was paying for everything, so how was it his place to comment?)

Besides, I know the reality is quite different. My daughter and her partner and myself have always been able to resolve our differences, and discuss things like adults. The fact that I have had to act like the 'firm parent' at times, is not an issue, since they well understand what I am trying to achieve here for all of us.

They also pay me board every fortnight, and we all help each other out, totally supportive of each other most of the time, and it seems to work well.

It really makes me very sad that BP could not be a part of things here, because our house is a pretty happy one really. Sure we all have our moments, but if there are tears, (mostly mine due to grieving BP) there is in fact a lot more laughter. We enjoy each other's support and company, and it makes for a happy well adjusted house.

BP just couldn't/wouldn't be a part of things, he expected to be able to treat me like crap, shout abuse at me, argue, and it would be overlooked by them having to live with that all the time.

My daughter wants for my happiness, and she knows I want to be loved, that is all. She knows how deeply I loved this man, (even though she cannot for the life of her figure that out at all after the way he had treated me mostly).

It does make her angry, that he continues to hurt me, and that I have continued any contact with him at all, but we do discuss things a lot, so this helps.

So, yesterday, BP rang me in the morning, justifying why he went to that city again, (but not explaining why he was unreachable yet again). If he had, I would likely have been given the same excuse anyway, that he 'went to sleep'. He doesn't ever say that he didn't hear his phone ringing or anything. And for me, the same old excuses are wearing thin, especially because he doesn't tolerate them from me if I don't answer. He never rings me at nights anymore anyway, for the past 15 months, infact.

Again, he painted our relationship black, said a lot of things that were not actually factual, and justified why he isn't with me, (again blaming everyone else the whole time). When I grew tired of his vicious rant after half an hour, I simply said, 'No, I don't agree with that' and he snarled, '

Well, get f*****then, and hung up. That was the last I heard of him. Whether or not he will ring in two weeks or not, I don't know. But I sent 2 messages today, stating that 'Somehow he expects me to invite him over, even though he said he doesn't want to come here again, then expect me to invite him, but listen to him denigrating the people who live here every day? No way.

I then told him that they do not harbour as much resentment towards him, as he does towards them.

There has been no response, usually he would call, and paint it black again, and then abuse me and hang up. So I don't know why I bother. Why I care so much, or even why I am hurt.

This man clearly is not capable of love, and yes, he has the capability to be dangerous/unstable. Why am I so addicted to him?

I really wish I could meet someone else, and if necessary sleep with someone else, maybe that would help me get him out of my system. I know this is destructive thinking, but I am just so broken and hurt. At this stage of my life, 45, I did not want to have to start looking again some day for another partner, especially since it is going to now take me so damn long to get over BP before I can. I feel cheated once again...

[MaybeSo]

Rc,

I want to caution you.

Please take some deep breaths and center.

These R/S can be very much like an addiction.

Right now you are head and shoulders enmeshed in drama-trauma with him.

Leaving or Staying... .

The exchanges you guys are having as posted are really unproductive and damaging.

Can you committ to NC?  If you go NC and quit tapping into the adrenaline of yet another

dysregulated exchange, you will be able to get more centered and think more clearly.

I'm 50.

You are a spring chicken... . it makes no practical sense to continue a r/s with a dangerous man for fear of not finding someone else. I understand the feeling, I've had it myself, but feelings aren't facts. Right?

This guy is not stable; I get it! if you plan to end this, sparring with him is a bad idea. It's not even safe. It's usually recommended you make sure you are safe physically (can he get in your place) and try to be as boring as possible. Stop sparring. Maybe you already have, I can't tell from your posts... .

It sounds like you have been supporting him; he isn't going to like losing his benefactor.

Instead of sharing the crazy way he acts ... . Can you tell us what you are doing to stay safe and about your plans?  Then vent away... . but I just want to understand what your goals are

right now?  Take a deep breath!

[MaybeSo]

RC,

We are hoping you are ok. Let us know how you are doing, please.