Latest court battle for custody

[Matt]

You already told him, "I will not agree to the kids going with you.  If you want them to see the concert, give me the tickets and I'll take them."  Is that right?

Has anything changed in terms of what led you to that decision?

The letter was written from your ex to you - right?  And did he cc: anybody else on it?

If the substance of the letter was:

* "I'm disappointed."

* "My brother spent $3,000 on the tickets."

* "I didn't tell the kids about the tickets."

* "You don't have the kids' best interests at heart."

then I see no reason to respond to it.  You already made your decision and communicated it to him and to the kids, and nothing has changed.

Which is not the same as saying you made the right decision - that's debatable - but you made your decision based on what you thought was best, and that's that.  No reason to argue about it.

You do need to be prepared to justify to a judge why you made that decision - why you believed it was best for the kids - and also state what you think this episode shows - how it could have all been fine if he had first contacted you and worked it out.  Talk about that with your attorney - she can probably help you "rehearse" for the time when you'll be asked about that.  But I wouldn't share that reasoning with your ex - it will just lead to more arguments and he'll be better prepared.

[Forward2free]

My lawyer received the letter from his lawyer in response to this letter from my intermediate lawyer:

In relation to the One Direction and Taylor Swift concert tickets, the children are very much excited and looking forward to going to these concerts.  Given the current arrangements for the care of the children and in particular, the time that they spend with your client, it is proposed that your client provide all of the tickets (adult and for the children) to my client (through your office to my office) so that my client can take the children to the concerts so as to not disappoint them. Clearly, your client is not in a position to take the children to the concerts.

Should your client refuse to provide the tickets to my client and allow the children to go to the concerts (after telling them that he has the tickets for them and they being excited to go), your client’s conduct will be brought to the Court’s attention and the Court will be asked to draw inferences and conclusions from it.  It is hoped that that is not necessary and that your client will simply hand over the tickets to my client who can take the children who expect to go to the concerts.

All of it is messy

The reason for changing my mind is that he went from verbally accepting that I'd retain sole parental responsibility, to now demanding shared parental responsibility. He is taking me back to court to ask for way more than the recommendation and he knows I can't afford it. I think he is motivated by punishing me.

The concerts are outside of his access and I was willing to swap time to accommodate them. But, he bought them covertly and is setting me up to fail. I don't want the children to attend them, too young, school nights, bed time is 7:30pm and concert wont commence until about 8:30, BPD/Nxh hasn't had the kids after 4:45pm in over 5 years, hasn't had them for more than 4 hours on his own in more than 5 years and bought the tickets to buy the kids affection - as with everything sparkly that he buys them. Plus, we've never had an end of visit changeover without a contact centre which closes at 5pm, forcing a changeover in the dark somewhere else... . ?

I agreed initially because based on the recommendation in April this year, he would have had almost 6 months of building up time with the children and also not using a contact centre. He declined the offer and they rescheduled court for November. We thought we could agree to the orders and not go to court, but he's changed his demands significantly and is being more pretentious, overbearing and selfish than previously, most likely because he has a new L to play with.

I don't feel like I have been unreasonable, but the old wounds are still very open and FOG is hard to clear!

Edited to add that I actually feel that he has become more demanding since the children have been speaking freely about my new boyfriend. I told BPD/Nxh that I was dating (in person) in June because I didn't think it was fair that the children needed to tell him or hide it. Since that time, he has asked (through the lawyers) for me to use him as the babysitter at all times when I am not available and share the parental responsibility. It feels like he wants to know what I am doing and have more of a say in things about the kids, whereas before he didn't seem to care about that stuff at all. Not that I can ever uncover the why's or what for's of a pwPD... .

[Forward2free]

So, do I tell BPD/Nxh that

A. he can take the kids anyway and see you in court?

B. cannot take the kids, see you in court?

C. sign the access offer and you can take the kids to the concert?

I would say B, even though I know how tough it would be.

If I'm understanding your circumstances correctly, he is asking for more time than the current order provides? You know that this experience will be trying for everyone involved, and that he needs to work up to something like this.

The tough part is telling the kids, but obviously he did this by design, knowing he would put you in this situation.

What would it be like if you explained to the kids that their dad did not follow the rules, and that because of that, they aren't able to go to the concert with him. You understand how hard it is, and will work them to figure out another concert or event of their choosing, but it has to be decided in the correct way.

I agree that not letting the children go under the circumstances feels like the right decision. My L will manage the response and I'll need to tell the children and appreciate your idea above. I think that it is a good way to explain it, although I hate having to deliver bad news :-(

I am planning a trip to Disneyland next year and wasn't going to tell them until next year, but maybe it would be a good way to soften the blow?

[david]

The experts already said you should have sole custody. The courts gave you decision making power over ex for the children.

Forget about the ex for a moment. Do you think it is a good idea to take a 6 and 8 year old to a concert on a school night ? Go with that decision.

[ForeverDad]

I agreed initially because based on the recommendation in April this year, he would have had almost 6 months of building up time with the children and also not using a contact centre. He declined the offer and they rescheduled court for November. We thought we could agree to the orders and not go to court, but he's changed his demands significantly and is being more pretentious, overbearing and selfish than previously, most likely because he has a new L to play with.

He changed demands or conditions, therefore you have the right to reconsider prior decisions.  Why should you be held to prior comments when he doesn't or isn't?

Yes, I too think a lot of it is because you've moved on, branching off into your own life and starting new relationships.  He wants to keep his Whipping Boy, er, Girl.

[livednlearned]

I'm not sure about the Disney thing -- maybe figure out first why it's hard to let your kids experience difficult feelings? I think it's a tendency for nons to avoid painful feelings, and then we try to do the same with our kids.

What you want them know: Your ex isn't following the rules. It's very important that he follow the rules, and it's equally important that you make sure he follows them. You wish he did not put them in the position of getting excited about something they cannot do. This is something that grown-ups must discuss first before talking to the kids about it, and he didn't do that.

If you bring up Disney, you are telling them: Your dad wanted you to have a fun time. I don't want you to have fun with him. I have something more fun for you to do, so we're doing that instead.

[Matt]

If you bring up Disney, you are telling them: Your dad wanted you to have a fun time. I don't want you to have fun with him. I have something more fun for you to do, so we're doing that instead.

My kids are older, but when they were young, I tried to avoid telling them what their mom wanted, or whether she "loved" them, etc.  My view was (and is), I don't know what goes on inside her head, and I'm not responsible for what she might do tomorrow.  (And frankly, if she wanted what's best for them, she might have complied with the doctor's recommendation and gotten therapy.)

So I tried to focus more on the reality - maybe something like, "The judge decided that you should live with me and I think that's best too.  Your dad got concert tickets but he didn't work it out the way he's supposed to, so that's not going to work out.  Maybe when you're older you can go to some good concerts.  And I think such-and-such a movie is opening that week - do you want to see that?"

[Forward2free]

I agreed initially because based on the recommendation in April this year, he would have had almost 6 months of building up time with the children and also not using a contact centre. He declined the offer and they rescheduled court for November. We thought we could agree to the orders and not go to court, but he's changed his demands significantly and is being more pretentious, overbearing and selfish than previously, most likely because he has a new L to play with.

He changed demands or conditions, therefore you have the right to reconsider prior decisions.  Why should you be held to prior comments when he doesn't or isn't?

Yes, I too think a lot of it is because you've moved on, branching off into your own life and starting new relationships.  He wants to keep his Whipping Boy, er, Girl.

That's a refreshing way of thinking about it. Things have changed a lot since my offer so my decision should always be in the best interests of the children, and I shouldn't have to apologise for it, thank you.

He told me that even though we are divorced, he's still the mother of "his" children and he feels the need to protect me. I think that's code for believing he can use and abuse me as he pleases - but my boundaries are too strong and his only avenue to whip me is through the courts and by buying bigger presents for the kids.

[Forward2free]

I'm not sure about the Disney thing -- maybe figure out first why it's hard to let your kids experience difficult feelings? I think it's a tendency for nons to avoid painful feelings, and then we try to do the same with our kids.

What you want them know: Your ex isn't following the rules. It's very important that he follow the rules, and it's equally important that you make sure he follows them. You wish he did not put them in the position of getting excited about something they cannot do. This is something that grown-ups must discuss first before talking to the kids about it, and he didn't do that.

If you bring up Disney, you are telling them: Your dad wanted you to have a fun time. I don't want you to have fun with him. I have something more fun for you to do, so we're doing that instead.

You're right, I am trying to shield them from pain. I see the kids get so excited about the promise of concerts and fulfillment of presents they want and I know that the fall will be big when they get to know their dad for real as they get older. I would love to shield them from it all... .

I think you're right to bring it back to the rules. I am feeling more inclined to not let the children go, even if BPD/Nxh gave me the tickets. I don't think it's appropriate for kids their ages and I wish he hadn't purchased the tickets, told the kids about it, and put me in this situation 

[Forward2free]

If you bring up Disney, you are telling them: Your dad wanted you to have a fun time. I don't want you to have fun with him. I have something more fun for you to do, so we're doing that instead.

My kids are older, but when they were young, I tried to avoid telling them what their mom wanted, or whether she "loved" them, etc.  My view was (and is), I don't know what goes on inside her head, and I'm not responsible for what she might do tomorrow.  (And frankly, if she wanted what's best for them, she might have complied with the doctor's recommendation and gotten therapy.)

So I tried to focus more on the reality - maybe something like, "The judge decided that you should live with me and I think that's best too.  Your dad got concert tickets but he didn't work it out the way he's supposed to, so that's not going to work out.  Maybe when you're older you can go to some good concerts.  And I think such-and-such a movie is opening that week - do you want to see that?"

Thanks Matt, that's a very good point you make about not speaking for BPD/Nxh. It's true that I cannot speak for him because I don't know how he feels. In one breath he can profess love and it the next, well, you know how it goes. If I tell the kids he loves them and then he follows through with anger, am I telling the kids that it is love? No, I will not tell the kids that dad loves them. In fact, I don't think I do, although I think I have caught myself telling them that "I am sure dad loves you in his own way" when the kids are disheartened about something. Must stop that too.

Sigh. It's Father's Day here on Sunday in Australia so they kids have a 4 hour visit with dad then. My lawyer hasn't sent a reply letter yet, maybe I'll wait till Monday instead.

[Matt]

well, you know how it goes.

Yes I do... .