Dividing attention between BPDw and my daughter

[coasterhusband]

My BPDw (who is my daughter's stepmom) has once again brought up her concerns that when I'm around my daughter, I don't pay her as much attention as I should. She emailed me this big long message sharing her concerns this morning, saying: "I often feel like you two are a family and I'm on the fringe". There was a lot of other randomness to support why I don't hold her hand enough, or sit close to her (or whatever) when my daughter is around. Logic, of course, says that when my daughter is around, there's less minutes to dedicate to BPDw. She also said in this email: "I would appreciate more of a BALANCE and an acknowledgement that this is a REAL, special challenge we're presented with because there is a kid involved"

Good news that she emails me before she blows, I suppose. But I hear, correctly so IMHO: "Choose between me and your daughter". She's not 100% of my attention at all times, so it's doom and gloom!

The issue that set this email in motion is that I had to leave for the airport before my daughter woke up this morning. It's the end of a long stretch with us and the start of a long stretch with her mom. So I left a few post-it notes around her room/bathroom telling her kind things. But because I didn't do that for my wife (since we actually talked that same morning, and I was going to see her that evening), and because I used to do that for her (only when I'd go on extended trips), now I'm not "balancing" my affections, apparently... .

I'm raising two children, not one!

Anyone else gone through this? How did/do you handle?

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[Cipher13]

I don't know if ican be a lot of help on this as I do not have kids... . (originally BPD W didn't want them, then when I realized what kind of relationship I'm in I didn't want to bring them into this).  But I have a similar experience.  When we have visited family at Christmas time or other holiday I get to see my neice and nephew.  I like to spend time withthem and interact play games tell stories laugh and have a fun time.  Now if W is not the center of this attention then she says she feel jealous and that I am ignoring her.  Now I don't see them but for holidays birthdays or a rare weekend. She gets me all the other times. They don't.

Comes down to the little kid that can't share there toy. Its mine and you can't have it even though I am not playing with it.

Sorry its not exactly like you described but the Jealous part is a common trait I have found. I have been isolated from my faimliy and friends over time. I let it happen without totally ralizing it. Now I am trying to get that back and its ugly.