Accepting the worst...

[Tordesillas]

I believe I've posted about this topic before, but here is a quick summary. 

I believe my exGF (uBPD) may have (and I want to emphasize MAY) used a claim of rape to try and manipulate me into getting close with her.   I was the first phone call after the alleged incident and took her to the clinic... stood by her through the whole process... helped her in the days after. 

The more distance I get from the intensity of all that, the more I have had to accept that there is a very good chance that it was all a lie.  Of course, I can't know for sure.  And so the conflicting nature of this leaves me with some very conflicting feelings.

I feel completely used.

I feel guilty for doubting her.

I feel abused for having been put through emotional trauma for absolutely no reason.

I feel guilty for feeling abused.

If I could just know the truth one way or the other then I could work on accepting whatever that reality might be and the feelings that go along with it.  But I don't think I'll ever know the truth.  So I feel stuck trying to process and accept all the feelings that go with the reality of the rape if it was true, PLUS all the feelings that go along with the reality of the rape being a lie, PLUS all the feelings of guilt that go along with doubting her.  AGGGHHH. 

How is one human suppose to process all this?

[Clearmind]

You will process this Tord – the issue many of us face is that we dwell on what they did to us rather than why we chose it in the first place. Without knowing that we cannot properly heal.

I believe my exGF (uBPD) may have (and I want to emphasize MAY) used a claim of rape to try and manipulate me into getting close with her.   I was the first phone call after the alleged incident and took her to the clinic... stood by her through the whole process... helped her in the days after. 

Were you wanting to save her from herself – at the expense of your own happiness?

I feel completely used.

I feel guilty for doubting her.

I feel abused for having been put through emotional trauma for absolutely no reason.

I feel guilty for feeling abused.

Yes that is most likely all true – they are feelings. Our trauma/issues were usually evident before our ex’s came along – they just ignited it. Good news is you are awake and analayzing now.

hit__

We get something from this relationship. For me I needed to be needed - I believed my ex could not function without me. I was wrong but chose not to see it that way because I didn't want to believe that I was not needed. Being needed provided me with value - my childhood was rocky - it lead me to choose a Borderline!

[Trick1004]

Here's the thing, you can't process any of it from the perspective of a normal way of thinking. The only way to gain some semblance of understanding is to try and process it from their BPD perspective. I have tried looking at everything through my limited understanding of BPD and it helps me come terms with my exBPD's behavior during my r/s with her.

However, like Clearmind mentioned, instead of trying to understand the BPD's behavior I am slowly starting to look at what it is about me that got me stuck in my r/s for 3+ years. Something is clearly off with me that I put up with it for so long. 

[Tordesillas]

I know why I stayed... . saviour complex... insecurity... .

And I certainly know NOT to expect to find a normal "why" that explains her behaviour... .

I can accept both of those things.  And I work through them day to day. 

But do I just decide to believe that she lied about the rape and accept that?  Or do I decide to believe that it was true and accept that?  It seems so much harder to try and hold both of those possibilities in tension in my heart and mind.  Maybe this one just takes a bit longer to work through.

[Clearmind]

Tord, you are hanging onto something you will never know about for sure. Either way it does not change where you are right now. You chose to believe her at the time - maybe work on accepting your choice back then. In reality its history.

[Octoberfest]

Agree with clearmind-

Sometimes in ruminating and thinking back about my relationship with my BPDex I remember something that sticks out to me as suspicious; a story that I bought at the time and let slide that now, in hindsight looks awfully suspicious.  Instances where my BPDex was probably doing additional cheating on top of all of it that I already know about (I say all because I already have her scheduled out that she was cheating the entire time we dated; but she was at point dating three men at once. Who knows if that happened more than one time).  I have thought about seeking answers, going and talking to people involved to find out the truth.  And then I realize and decided that doing so is only going to cause me additional grief, when in reality it changes nothing at all about where I am now.  I don't really want to know.  I'd rather live in ignorance, because I have seen much more often than not, that when something looks bad and suspicious concerning my BPDex, it is generally because it really is bad and there is apt reason to be suspicious.

It all sucks. But we have a way out, an option to be free of all of it... .

For them... .

The flaming ferris wheel spins

[Tordesillas]

Agree with clearmind-

Sometimes in ruminating and thinking back about my relationship with my BPDex I remember something that sticks out to me as suspicious; a story that I bought at the time and let slide that now, in hindsight looks awfully suspicious.  Instances where my BPDex was probably doing additional cheating on top of all of it that I already know about (I say all because I already have her scheduled out that she was cheating the entire time we dated; but she was at point dating three men at once. Who knows if that happened more than one time).  I have thought about seeking answers, going and talking to people involved to find out the truth.  And then I realize and decided that doing so is only going to cause me additional grief, when in reality it changes nothing at all about where I am now.  I don't really want to know.  I'd rather live in ignorance, because I have seen much more often than not, that when something looks bad and suspicious concerning my BPDex, it is generally because it really is bad and there is apt reason to be suspicious.

It all sucks. But we have a way out, an option to be free of all of it... .

For them... .

The flaming ferris wheel spins

You make a good point.  And when it comes to cheating, I feel like I've been able to accept that I won't know certain things for sure and just deal with it.  I guess this one is just a bit trickier for me.

[Trick1004]

Did she lie about anything while you were with her? Is there any reason based on her past behavior that would lead you to believe what she says about the rape is true? I know how hard it is to distrust what someone says, especially traumatic things like rape. However people with BPD are good at manipulating to pull you back in.

There is a third choice available. Instead of trying to come to a conclusion of whether or not she is lying to you, you can accept who she is based on her past behavior, that you probably will never know for sure, and choose to decide what's best for you and just keep moving on.

[j4c]

My uBPDexgf also claimed she was raped when she was 15. Her best friend at the time (whom shes now painted black) has told me since we split that she made the whole thing up.

Other stories she told me that I now think (or know) she lied about include taking her mum to court, being beaten by 2 of her exes, being bullied at school, being made to perform sexual acts by an ex in front of all his friends on a regular basis, gaining 7 stone during pregnancy, not taking cocaine for 3 years when I knew she was using at least once a week. She also has a long story about how she had to quit her job at the local hospital as she was so depressed after her bf at the time had headbutted her, when In fact what really happened was she got her bf arrested by pretending he'd headbutted her and a week later failed a drugs test at work & got fired.

For me the saddest part of all the lies is that she actually believes them herself. Shes re-wrote history to erase her shame and to also play the pity game with whomever shes keen to impress. She'll continue to do this probably for the rest of her days! 

[Learning_curve74]

But do I just decide to believe that she lied about the rape and accept that?  Or do I decide to believe that it was true and accept that?

Maybe you will never know for sure? Maybe that is the truth you need to accept, not whether she was honest or making up a fairy tale?

Do you need to know in order to give her an excuse for her behavior? Do you need to know in order to justify why you stuck in a relationship with somebody who was obviously not a healthy partner for you?

I'm not trying to be mean or confrontational. I know that I personally let my BPDex slide because I believed her stories. Whether or not they were true are immaterial because I put up with behaviors that I would normally never accept from anybody. It was just an excuse to be an enabler to her and to let myself be trampled.  :'(