What to do when confrontation is the only answer?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone got any advice on how to handle a confrontation, when all thats left, the only option is a huge, raging, probably screaming confrontation with uBPD Mother?

After many months of LC, due to the stress of dealing with her made me physically ill, things are just getting to boiling point and no matter what tools, SET, tact, diplomacy- anything- i cant see a way out of this current hit fight with out a big ww3 episode. I apologise if this is a little long and rambling. I cant even get the thoughts straight in my own head.

my mother is coming to visit. Apparently. I havnt been informed of this, she told my sister she would be coming to my city and may "pop in". I can barely suppress the vomit that rises in my throat when i hear this. I have been working for months and months on "healing" myself and learning to function like a normal human being after putting up with her hit for the better part of 30 years, spending thousands on therapy. For what? This ongoing saga with this horrible person? This harpie who calls herself my mother. I can get used to the fact that she shows no interest in my life, if she would just hit off and leave me alone to live it. but that would be asking to much of this woman wouldnt it?

My Dr's thought i had a brain tumor. Turns out it was just stress. The headaches, and the blurred vision and the face dropping and the night vomits. But no, i have a big, normal healthy brain. Just a mother. with undiagnoses BPD.

After completely ruining my wedding in its entirety, the planning, the engagement, the relationships with all involved, the day before, the day after, the ceremony, every aspect she ruined I started therapy and setting "boundaries". Well, this was like pouring petrol on an open fire. The suicide threats, the phone calls, the fights about my "abandoning" her! Jesus. It never f-ing ends.

The last 2 times, she has come to "visit" she wouldnt talk to me! She flat out ignored me, there was no answering when i spoke to her, or her initiating a conversation. All she did was flirt and fawn over my husband while i tried not to throw up in her face. Shes telling anyone who will listen how hard down by she was at the wedding, how she cant forgive me yet  for the way i treated her, how disgusting my behaviour was and what a horrible daughter i am! She tells all the people that she knows will get it back to me.

She never calls, texts or asks how my life is. When i start a convo with her (usually a text or facebook msg- im too scared to call her- shes unpredictable and the last time i called her it ended up in a huge rage episode) she gives me one or two word answers, thats it. Yes, no, fine, good, i dont know.

I dont even know why shes coming for goodness sake! I think it must be to have a fight, to stir up a little drama. I cant think what other reason it could possibly be? She hasnt told me yet, just my sister that shes coming. Why? Why would she come? I know that i cannot, i just cant sit there being zen while she comes to my house and refuses to speak to me. I will have to ask her whats wrong. and she will answer with some imaginary slight i have done. How i treated her at my wedding, or what im doing to her.  And then it will be on. for all the neighbours to hear. How embarrassing. Again.

I dont have any more answer, or tools. Nothing seems to stop the craziness from spinning out of control.

[NonBPDaughter]

Has anyone got any advice on how to handle a confrontation, when all thats left, the only option is a huge, raging, probably screaming confrontation with uBPD Mother?

After many months of LC, due to the stress of dealing with her made me physically ill, things are just getting to boiling point and no matter what tools, SET, tact, diplomacy- anything- i cant see a way out of this current hit fight with out a big ww3 episode. I apologise if this is a little long and rambling. I cant even get the thoughts straight in my own head.

my mother is coming to visit. Apparently. I havnt been informed of this, she told my sister she would be coming to my city and may "pop in". I can barely suppress the vomit that rises in my throat when i hear this. I have been working for months and months on "healing" myself and learning to function like a normal human being after putting up with her hit for the better part of 30 years, spending thousands on therapy. For what? This ongoing saga with this horrible person? This harpie who calls herself my mother. I can get used to the fact that she shows no interest in my life, if she would just hit off and leave me alone to live it. but that would be asking to much of this woman wouldnt it?

My Dr's thought i had a brain tumor. Turns out it was just stress. The headaches, and the blurred vision and the face dropping and the night vomits. But no, i have a big, normal healthy brain. Just a mother. with undiagnoses BPD.

After completely ruining my wedding in its entirety, the planning, the engagement, the relationships with all involved, the day before, the day after, the ceremony, every aspect she ruined I started therapy and setting "boundaries". Well, this was like pouring petrol on an open fire. The suicide threats, the phone calls, the fights about my "abandoning" her! Jesus. It never f-ing ends.

The last 2 times, she has come to "visit" she wouldnt talk to me! She flat out ignored me, there was no answering when i spoke to her, or her initiating a conversation. All she did was flirt and fawn over my husband while i tried not to throw up in her face. Shes telling anyone who will listen how hard down by she was at the wedding, how she cant forgive me yet  for the way i treated her, how disgusting my behaviour was and what a horrible daughter i am! She tells all the people that she knows will get it back to me.

She never calls, texts or asks how my life is. When i start a convo with her (usually a text or facebook msg- im too scared to call her- shes unpredictable and the last time i called her it ended up in a huge rage episode) she gives me one or two word answers, thats it. Yes, no, fine, good, i dont know.

I dont even know why shes coming for goodness sake! I think it must be to have a fight, to stir up a little drama. I cant think what other reason it could possibly be? She hasnt told me yet, just my sister that shes coming. Why? Why would she come? I know that i cannot, i just cant sit there being zen while she comes to my house and refuses to speak to me. I will have to ask her whats wrong. and she will answer with some imaginary slight i have done. How i treated her at my wedding, or what im doing to her.  And then it will be on. for all the neighbours to hear. How embarrassing. Again.

I dont have any more answer, or tools. Nothing seems to stop the craziness from spinning out of control.

[hopesprings]

Dear Non,

Can you plan to be out of town?  There may be a better way to handle it, but it sounds like you have been through enough lately.  I had a blow out conversation with my uBPD mother last week and am still putting my interior pieces back together.  Every time I go through this with my mom, I make some good realizations, but it is draining and doesn't change her behavior.

I completely relate to the physical effects of the stress you feel when you deal with your mom.  I think at some point you have to decide if it is worth it to put yourself through that.  Being out of town (or saying you are unavailable) is a dodge, but it doesn't appear this type of mother is wiling to change.

[NonBPDaughter]

Hi hopesprings! I wish i could. My husband and i own two retail business's she knows ill be in home and working. And she hasnt told me shes coming, she only told my sister. I dread bringing it up with her- she will turn around and attack my sister for talking about her. Its a lose lose situation. She might just show up- i dont even know when, thats part of the torture!

Youre so right- all it is is draining. and she wont change. Im sorry to hear youre in the same boat. How did you handle the confrontation? Any tips? Im so on edge that i worry i will just explode!

[NonBPDaughter]

Its like they have this uncanny ability to work all the circumstances their way, so that whatever you do, youre just proving the them right. how do they do it? There is no way out of these situations without heartache and fighting and stress and devastation. Whatever I (and really, its all of us on here) do, it just "proves" them right, that its not them, its us and we walk straight into their insidious little webs. It totally validates their behaviour and reasserts their own beliefs and ideas.

How do they manage to twist all the pieces? Why do we feel like the crazy ones?

[Clearmind]

Has anyone got any advice on how to handle a confrontation, when all thats left, the only option is a huge, raging, probably screaming confrontation with uBPD Mother?

Ignore it and don’t feed into it.

I can barely suppress the vomit that rises in my throat when i hear this. I have been working for months and months on "healing" myself and learning to function like a normal human

This is another of those tests NonBPDaughter – its shows how far you have come in your healing and how much is left to be done. It takes time.  Our childhood conditioning kicks in.

I dont even know why shes coming for goodness sake! I think it must be to have a fight, to stir up a little drama. I cant think what other reason it could possibly be? She hasnt told me yet, just my sister that shes coming. Why? Why would she come? I know that i cannot, i just cant sit there being zen while she comes to my house and refuses to speak to me. I will have to ask her whats wrong. and she will answer with some imaginary slight i have done. How i treated her at my wedding, or what im doing to her.  And then it will be on. for all the neighbours to hear. How embarrassing. Again.

Is she staying with you?

hit


When we have a BPD relative the first thing we need to accept is that our expectations cannot be placed on them – they will never live up to them. If we continue to believe they will and can we will always be disappointed.

You are angry – understandable. Can you balance out your emotions with some facts here to bring you down a little – this a tool to help you. Being triggered is common.

We get angry because we still believe in our heads that we are that little child who just has to deal with what is dished out. You are an adult NonBPDaughter - you feel vulnerable and its surfacing as anger - its not going to help you come to a rational decision - what do you want to happen here? How would the email read?

[hopesprings]

I think Clearmind has restated something important which is we can't place any expectations on a BPD parent. I figured that out on my own before I found this forum, but I think if I repeated it 100x a day, it would still be hard to remember. It is so contrary to how I feel as a mother, and how normal parent child relationships should work. My mom is uBPD, and my father is a pretty classic narcissist. Neither one of them handles expectations from their children well.

My conversation/confrontation with my mother wasn't worth it. I did see more clearly how she is projecting her issues onto me, my husband, and children and that was a good reminder.  I also caught a glimmer that she does in fact know what she is doing when she is unfair in an argument.  When I flipped one of her manipulative strategies around and used it on her, she said "Oh, so you're doing it now" and laughed a laugh that I have never heard before.  Frankly, it was scary and made me feel like I got punched in the stomach. I didn't realize she had that level of awareness and I was a lot more comfortable thinking she didn't know what she was doing. In fact, part of her knows exactly what she is doing and how it hurts in that situation. Made me feel sad because I remember her doing the same thing while I was growing up and this was the first time I had the presence of mind to turn the tables.

I will go back to ignoring her attempts to bait me, talking only about neutral subjects, and not giving her the satisfaction of getting into a prolonged argument again.

Good luck to you and maybe consider that you have more power as an adult than you ever did as a child.  You get to be in charge of you now

[Finallyblooming]

Hi there,

I really feel your frustration. My mother has a co-morbid diagnosis of BPD, bi-polar, and opportunistic Munchhausen's bi-proxy.  Life was living hell. She was investigated by CPS on multiple occasions in the 80's and guess what, my brother is just like her.

It was so bad that I actually went to college and gained a behavioral science degree and a masters in psychology, in my quest to understand, because I think we most ask that "WHY? would they do this?" It's hard to wrap your mind around and process the evil of the things they do to people they should love unconditional, what's wrong with us that draws this out in them?

My mother was not invited to my wedding. I left out of state and got married, saying that I would have another wedding in her town and then I never got around to it LOL But, she was consistently being very sexually aggressive to my husband. The reason your mom was that way at your wedding and the reason that she is so resentful is simple, it was your day and it was not centered around her, so she was going to make it that way. If you have kids, it's a lot like bad attention is better than good attention. You did slight her by not letting it be HER day.

The trick with BPD is finding your own power. It's not the power of confrontation with her because it won't change anything, they'll just use it. It's always power play. You need to confront yourself, you need to discover that you own your power and the sky will not fall when you stand up, with a smile and say "She can't touch me". It took me years of logically knowing this, YEARS. I had to ban her from my children. I was under the misguided impression that my children had a right to know their grandmother. Until I found out she was speaking very badly about me to my children. I very calmly confronted her, using I feel statements, but also in the tone a mother speaks to a child, telling her she has one more chance. If she wants to speak badly about me, that's fine. However, she will not do it in front of my children. If she does it again, she will lose contact with my children.

Like a parent, it's very important to be consistent. If you scream at your kids, you lose power. Smile, remain calm, remain firm, and always follow through. My mother was banned from my children for over a year. She screamed and yelled and I cut her off with showing little or no reaction, just a calm demeanor and steadfast determination.

Did she tell everyone with ears how evil and horrible I was, after she has done EVERYTHING for Me (I call this Saint Syndrome). YUPPERS and guess what, I found out, most people she told knew what she was and actually became a good support system.

You won't change her, nothing you do can or will change her. The sky won't fall when you stand up for yourself, I was so terrified it would, but I discovered that I never depended on her for anything then or now, I was taught terror and that's what I knew. I have now learned the more calmly authoritative I am towards her behavior, she's actually backing down very quickly and still hasn't gotten over the shock of this new empowered daughter she got stuck with.

And she's still going to talk trash, but she'd do that no matter what I would do. I tried for years to bend over backwards to please her and nothing did, so really, what was there to lose. You don't need to confront her, you need to empower yourself. 

[Finallyblooming]

Sorry, bad attention is better than no attention.