validating her anger/feelings

[blondie34]

I have spent time the last few days reading the various links posted and trying to learn more about BPD.

I think I just need a small vent as I do know know where to turn for an outlet.

My BPD partner and I fight on a regular basis and it is always comes down to her feeling like I do not respect her.

When we argue, it is usually because I have interrupted her or haven't listened to her. I have acknowledged her feelings and feel like I am doing my best to improve on my own shortcomings. However, I do still do the those things. Typically, when I do interrupt her is because I instinctively get defensive about the situation as opposed to stopping, listening and processing what she has to say. Whatever my response to her is, it seems to only escalate the situation. I feel that when we do get trapped in the cycle that I do not have time to process things myself.

I view her responses to my behaviour to be the same as anyone else if in a similar situation. Maybe that is ignorant on my part? As I do not take her BPD into consideration as much as I should?

One day she is happy and the next day, if we argue, she's miserable and threatening the relationship. She will acknowledge that she over reacts at times to things, but my confidence in my ability to be a good gf to her is wavering heavily. I do whatever I can to make her happy, but I am starting to question if it is enough. She says that her feelings/wants/needs don't matter, that I think only my feelings/needs/wants matter. I do not know how to respond to something like that. How do I validate that what she needs matters or that I do respect her?

She treats me well and has put up with a lot of my own issues and has been very understanding and supportive. I am in therapy myself, but instead of working towards self improvement in my sessions, I spend a lot of time talking about my relationship.

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[maxsterling]

This sounds an awful lot like my situation.  I don't think we really argue.  Instead, she gets frustrated that I have no "communication skills", and when I try to explain anything she gets confused quickly complains I am too vague, and then escalates to her screaming at me and calling me names.  I say we don't argue because it escalates so quickly there is never a return argument.  When she screams, I leave the room.  And then I went from being the nicest guy she has ever dated to the worst man on earth.

She also tells me I am selfish and only care about myself, when it feels to me like 90% of my time the past 6 months has been addressing her needs.  I have barely seen my friends during that time, and many personal projects and hobbies are completely on hold. 

I have the same issue with therapy.  I want to go and talk about other things that I need to change about myself, but my therapist thinks my issues mostly stem from dealing with a BPD on a daily basis.  And she is right - while I do have other issues, I was a happy optimistic person before. 

In my situation, I have tried making sure her feelings are validated, and it may have helped some.  But she (and I read most BPD) get extremely upset if someone even implies that their feelings are wrong.  I've tried saying things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I see it differently." as opposed to "I'm sorry, but that is not true."  It doesn't cam the rages, though.  Once the switch goes off in her head, there is nothing I can do except leave the room. 

[Scout99]

Hi blondie34!  

I see that you are pretty new to the board, so I want to add my   to the others!

Communication is one of the trickiest parts of making a relationship work smoothly with a pw BPD, even when like in your case your gf seems to have undergone some treatment and therefore probably have learned some constructive coping skills which is a good thing and probably will work for you.

But still having BPD still means she is wired differently from you, and will more than you deal with things from an emotional point of view rather than an intellectual or logic one. And learning a bit more about how to better communicate with a person with this disorder may be something that could be useful for improving your situation and lessen the amount of arguing.

The board advisors on this, the staying board can help you a lot with this and there is also a lot of good articles and lessons on the subject of learning tools for communication here on the site. Here are some samples of what you can find to get you started.

Take the First Step Toward Improving Your Relationship [NEW]

Before You Can Make Things Better, You have To Stop Making Things Worse

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

TOOLS: Stop Invalidating Your Partner (or the BPD person in your life)

Arguing - don't engage

If this doesn't prove helpful there is more!

And remember - we are here for you so pleas let us know how we best can be of help for you at this time!

Best Wishes

scout99

[waverider]

Often "sitting on our tongues" is the best response instead of just blurting out a reactive response.

Do not try to "fix" with logic, when they are just thinking their feelings aloud. pwBPD think their feelings out aloud and see an attempt to fix it by others as interference.

You can't fill a hole of neediness by pouring everything you have into it. There will always be a shortfall. The need to need is part of it, and you need to accept you cant always make them happy. I found the best way to make my partner happy is to be content in myself, it creates a sense of stability, which they are incapable of creating themselves.

I find if my partner is rambling about something, and there is something that I disagree with strongly enough that I believe needs a response I say nothing and save it for later, rather than interrupt the flow. To bring it up at that time just sends the whole drama off on a tangent somewhere.

Quite often, in hindsight those issues i have put aside until later often dont seem as important so I just drop the issue. Much is said that has little weight or consistency. Part of the thinking aloud process I guess. The result is things often resolve themselves without your input or exposing yourself to projection.

You are blocking self soothing if you overengage

[blondie34]

Thank you for the links.

I can acknowledge that communication is one of my biggest downfalls as a partner. Just this morning, I tried to tell her I felt nervous about meeting her friends for the 2nd time this coming weekend. That turned into yet another huge argument because I lack the skills to convey my thoughts and reasoning behind feeling nervous without it appearing as if I am laying blame or fault on her or her friends for the disaster of the first meet.

I often "sit on my tongue" as I know that I need processing time before responding to her when she is upset with me. If I don't respond, it escalates the situation. If I allow her to walk away as she is able to recognize when we are going around in circles or I try to walk away myself, it escalates the situation because I have nothing to say.

I am at a loss 90% of the time when she is angry with me and often do not know how to react. That most often or not, I just shut down. Which to her means, I am playing the victim as opposed to owning my actions. I am doing my best to improve my behaviour for the things she has very clearly told me bothers her and put forth the effort to make this relationship work. However, she doesn't see or believe I am making an effort. I am just finding it is very difficult at times and the frustration is building quickly.

[waverider]

Thank you for the links.


I am at a loss 90% of the time when she is angry with me and often do not know how to react. That most often or not, I just shut down. Which to her means, I am playing the victim as opposed to owning my actions. I am doing my best to improve my behaviour for the things she has very clearly told me bothers her and put forth the effort to make this relationship work. However, she doesn't see or believe I am making an effort. I am just finding it is very difficult at times and the frustration is building quickly.

Of course she will attack you when you do this as you are not playing her game. She needs to project her issues, if you dont engage then you are not allowing that projection. So she baits you into reacting. This is her problem, not yours. It is not your job to meet her approval with an appeasing response. As you have found out you can't provide one whatever you say. You are not suppose to, you are simply meant to engage so that she she can dump on you.

It is one of the most basic mistakes we make, trying to provide logical answers to resolve and smooth things over. This is not possible because at this stage we have different thought process as logic does not fit with illogical emotions.

Her response to not winning or you not playing your role will be escalation, especially if this has worked in the past. Escalation is not as big an issue if you are not involved in it. Much like an avalanche is only dangerous if you stand below it. Move out of the way, you have a choice.

Trying to debate your way through dysreguation is usually futile