I guess it's over. It hurts but it's ok.

[wishfulthinking]

This weekend was pretty good until yesterday.  uBPDh's D15 hates him and won't come stay with us unless forced.  This has been getting to him.  The problem is both of theirs.  She is quite selfish and I think has BPD traits and him being full blown BPD has caused his getting on her to block him out and not want to be around.  Also, she's a teenage girl who gets to hide in her room or stay with her friends on her Mom's nights.  She wants that freedom she has there, too.  Anyway... .

After being edgy the night before because she refused to come over, but he put his anger in the right place, not at us, but at her, so it was ok). The next morning, I was the target.  I got up about 15 min after him and I was going to take a shower.  GASP! A shower?  How dare I?  I went to the kitchen to get a drink (water is all we have because he took all the money for pills and we are BROKE) and asked if a bowl sitting out was clean or dirty.  I got in trouble for b!tching about a bowl?  I was by the cabinet... . just was going to put it away... . I quit after that and went to the other room.  He came in to tell me to drop my attitude and blah blah blah.  :)ay started going some better till he got the phone call to see his D15.  He took my car because his(my) truck is out of gas.  I had to use it to run his employees to a job site earlier and when I asked if there was enough gas he got mad and then gave me $5. For an Expedition... . $5... . that'll get 2 blocks... . anyway, after running for HIM he gets pissy about us having no food and not wanting the little leftovers we have, while I sit there eating dry cereal.  He finally makes the last ramen we have. He goes to see his daughter.  3 hours later he texts me that I've told his daughter all this stuff I never said about our relationship and he she has been telling her mom... . blah blah. I never said any of it, she is lying like she always does to get the wrath directed elsewhere.  I told him to believe whatever.  Then he said she said my best friend said some stuff and my best friend said she never did. She said the kids his D15 and S10 go over there (she lives across the street) and tell her everything and about all the fights we have.  I texted him that back. He told me basically that he is done and will be the person he used to be years ago before he met me and was horrible to everyone.  I said that's not right considering I didn't do ANYTHING wrong here and have been busting my a$$ to do right and show all my love to him.  That he would let someone else's actions change life for me.  He didn't care.  He won't talk unless he is hateful.  I slept in my daughter's room last night.  I told him I was going to take care of some things today (getting a loan to pay my bils and get school supplies) and he was hateful.

I won't live this way, so I'm printing out the pro se papers today for the divorce and I'll give them to him at the end of the week once I have them filled out.  Until then, I guess I keep my distance and try to stay away from home?  I don't want this, we have many great times, just the bad are really bad, but were becoming less frequent.  Not my choice anymore, is it?

[Surnia]

Hi lostinparadise

So sorry to hear about your very difficult marriage! 

I can understand that you have enough with all the emotional drama and also the financial issues are hugh!

One question: Do you think you are safe?

I read your first post, where you mentioned you are scared. What about his reaction about the divorce? Sometimes it is important to have a exit plan... . What do you think about it?

Please stay in touch, lostinparadise.

[wishfulthinking]

I honestly hadn't thought that far yet. I got and I love you text yesterday and then him fishing about what I was doing after work. He came home crabby but still was talking to me. He left, I think in search of pills, he gave me some money and I saw him try to hide more money and act like he didn't have it, he thought I didn't see him. His phone bill is past due and I bet his phone is shut off today. He texted a bit last while gone "having a beer"? And was nice. He came home an a$$. I hate when he does that. He does that every time he goes to his best friend's place. So I thought we'd be sleeping in the same bed cause he said it'd be ok, but he didn't react at all when I touched him. So I got up awhile and watched tv. I went back to bed and stayed on my side. Nothing. I tried again this morning and he's hateful still.

I think I'm going to give him the hundred he gave me and say this and what you tried to hide from me should be enough for your phone bill. He'll be mad, though.

I'll finish printing the paperwork for the divorce today. I can't do this anymore. I'm broke and broken.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Lostinparadise, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  You are the only one who can make a change, I'm afraid, and the sooner you get out of the toxic soup the better.  It's hard to leave, I know, but generally a BPD r/s doesn't get better and more often than not gets worse.  I should know, after a 16-year marriage to my uBPDxW, which slowly, inexorably, became far worse as time went on, to the point that I almost destroyed myself.  Don't do that to yourself!  Do you have a support network of friends and/or family?  They were the key for me. 

Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[wishfulthinking]

Lucky Jim,

I have no family, I'm it. Sucks on that part. I do have 2 very close friends. One knows all but the other doesn't. She's kind of judgemental.

[Surnia]

How are you today, lostinparadise?

[wishfulthinking]

Surnia.  Thank you for asking.  I'm better today r/s-wise.  He is regulated now and apparently not DONE with me.  I'm closer to done with him, though.  I posted yesterday on my day and he is just so selfish and never cares.  Today I can tell is going to be a touch and go day with him.  He's pissy already.  Whatever.  Just glad I'm at work.  I hope today finds you well, too.