Does setting boundaries trigger them?

[caughtnreleased]

Ok, so having recently realized that my mother is uBPD, I've started laying down some firm boundaries and have started communicating with her in a calm, and controlled way, validating some of her feelings but at the same time letting her know that I have to take care of myself.  The result is that I feel like I'm an adult talking to a child, because the reaction I'm getting from her is fear, or panic.  Like suddenly I've become this intimidating person who lays down the law, as if I were a strict teacher that children are afraid of, so rather than communicating with me directly she'll get other people (My sister and my dad) to communicate with me on her behalf.  Perhaps I am being too strict? Too firm? Seeing this makes me sad for her, as I understand how crippled she is in her ability to actually act like an adult.  I also feel awkward because in a sense I feel her shame.

On the other hand, I recently went through some really big housing problems (robbery, really sketchy abusive next door neighbour, and conflict with the superintendent who refused to secure my home) which meant I felt very unsafe in my own home, and had to take some drastic measures to leave. I received zero sympathy, zero support and zero help from my mother, which is no surprise.  She actually PLEASE READed when I told her about the situation.  And then she fabricated her own crisis (caused a big conflict in the family) and called me up in a frenzy telling me not to cause her to be even more upset.  That's when I completely lost it, flipped out and swore up and down and hung up.  She then wrote to apologize, and then went on to justify why she had been so upset.  I actually validated her feelings and she was happy about that. But I felt like I just couldn't let her off the hook like that.  So in a follow-up I reminded her that I had just lived through an extremely stressful time, but luckily had people (friends) who had helped me during this crisis and without that help things would have been so much more difficult.  I guess in that message I wanted her for a second to understand and acknowledge the stress I have experienced over the last two months because of what I've gone through, and how important other people's help had been to me.   She didn't respond. 

Anyway, I feel that this boundary setting is a good thing, but at the same time its bringing a lot of things to the front, and in a sense destabilizing her because the relationship we've had for 30+ years is changing.  I am being very firm with her, and sometimes I feel like I'm being cold.  Is this what others have experienced with setting boundaries?  That it actually makes the craziness come out, but maybe in different ways?  It feels strange.

[tryinghard2012]

I think it depends on the person with Bpd. With my mil when we tried setting boundaries she reacted by either trying to push those boundaries or by accusing us of being mean, abusive, etc. Probably related to her sensitivity and inability to properly regulate emotions. For us boundaries were not effective as she hadn't had any for her entire life and it greatly backfired on us but some have better luck.

[ABCD1234]

I had a similar situation occur after speaking with my unBPD sister. I kept my head about me and offered spiritual support for upcoming medical procedures but did not engage emotionally other than to say I was sorry she was having to go through this. She had my older sister call me a few days later to tell me I did not sound warm enough and to improve my tone. I have not talked to her since. When you disengage, it's like them hitting a tennis ball over the net and you not hitting it back.  Game over.

[zone out]

Unhooking - I too have had difficulties with boundaries, even validation for that matter - I was sarcastically accused of using a 'sweet' voice when I pitched in with the validation.  My mother is used to being in control of me during her rages - she yells and until now I have pleaded and try to reason with her.  This has gotten me nowhere.  I tried appealing to her 'softer' side by telling her that something she had said/did had hurt my feelings - nope ... . triggered an enormous tantrum. 

I think we have to deal with the FOG first ... . mother is so incredibly good at the guilt trip "how will you live with the fact that you have killed your mother".

I think if you are fortunate enough to find that she is taking account of what you say - even if it is causing a degree of instability, it is worth keeping the momentum going.  Some short term pain might lead to long term gain ... . and an improvement in the situation for both of you.  My mother just has not got to that stage where she is willing to communicate on a meaningful level - she sometimes yells 'no' at me before I have managed to get a word out.  Keep going - you are making progress and keep posting.  I for one will be interested to see how you are getting on with the task in hand!

Best wishes

Zone out

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks for your responses. Evidently this whole boundaries things is really not easy.  In the end I did receive a response from my mother to my email and I actually wish I hadn't, since it pretty much ruined my day.  Not only do I have to deal with my own housing issues, she is now bringing in a conflict over an inheritance from my grandmother. I guess that was her joker card.  She is fighting with the whole family as she has decided to sell off some inheritance items from my grandmother (her mother IN LAW) and she is essentially on a huge power trip, creating drama left, right and center and controlling what she thinks the rest of the family is entitled to, and deserve.   I guess my next step will be to try and get my sister and father on side to remove her from administering anything that belonged to my grandmother, as it is not at all her place to do this.  Anyone have experience involving the rest of the family in placing these boundaries?  Seems to me she has way too much power right now.  I guess I also need to detach, but it's just so upsetting.

[GeekyGirl]

I agree with tryinghard that it really depends on the person involved, and some boundaries are easier to uphold than others.

unhooking, are there specific things of your grandmother's that you want, or are you more concerned about your mother being involved with your grandmother's belongings? How do your father and sister feel about this?

[caughtnreleased]

Hi geekygirl,

I guess what bothers me most is that my mother is involved in my grandmother's belongings.  My father can't really be bothered by most of it, and my sister chose one thing she wanted and got it.  I had chosen something, which my mother tried to deny me, but then my father over-rode her and allowed me to get what I wanted, which made her really angry.   She also vilified my father as someone with no guts who won't stand up against my aunt (his sister).  I guess my problem is that she is involved in the process, when I feel that she has no place there, and created mega drama with my aunt, cousin and me.  I've since calmed down somewhat though.  These are sensitive things, and its awful when someone puts themselves in a position of power only to create drama and conflict.  Thanks for listening though!

[Clearmind]

unhooking I think when a boundary-less relationship then has boundaries there is a period of destablization for everyone involved.

Boundaries protect you and are usually pretty finite - meaning - if she rages on the phone at you - hang up. If she blames and accuses remove yourself... . its about actions rather than words.

Aunt and counsin need to stick up for themselves and set boundaries "Mom, I will no longer listen to you vilify my father". If you do this again I will... . ".