The Scars Never Heal From This...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

I haven't posted here for a long time. It's so strange, this whole healing process. I'm 31 years old and I have been dealing with my BPD mother for my whole life and I haven't spoken to her in years. I have long periods of time when everything is fine. It doesn't hurt, I don't miss her (or the idea of a mom), I don't think about her, and during those times I am completely normal. Then out of the blue at 2:00 am something brings it all back to the surface. All the memories, all the pain and above all the realization that I am never going to have that mom that I always wanted, the kind my friends have, the kind my boyfriend has. I'm alone.

My parents have been divorced for 13 years now. My dad has moved on, met another woman (who is great, she makes him happy). She has two daughters and he moved to Phoenix to live with her. My dad used to be the one person I could talk to about everything, now I'm lucky if he calls me once a month and that's if I don't cave and call him first. He has a new family, One that's not totally screwed up.

My brother's and I haven't spoken in years. I've tried to reach out but my mom has us all surviving in different ways. One brother denies everything, sometimes I think he did it right. He just forgot everything, buried it deep and it stays buried. He never had to be something he wasn't, never hid the hurt, just forgot it. My other brother just continues to make a mess of things. He looks for love in all the wrong places and latches on to the first girl that will tell him she loves him. Such a moron. Now he is a single dad, raising a two year old. He has no job, no money and mooches off who ever will give him a roof over their heads and money for the week. He is the youngest and everyone seems pretty focused on giving him everything he asks for even if it means my grandmother is living paycheck to paycheck and my dad is borrowing from his 401k. He's the one they all feel sorry for. He was the mommy's boy and he needs more attention because he didn't get it growing up. No one holds him accountable for anything, they never have.

Maybe in some families everything goes away once the communication with the BPD person ends but it didn't in mine. I don't get it. I did everything by the book. I went to college, got a shrink to deal with this stuff, graduated from college, paid for college, got a career, never caused any trouble, outside looking in I have the perfect life now, job, boyfriend, dog, etc. and yet I appear to be the one that's lonely with no support from anyone. How the hell did that happen? How is it that 15 years after no longer speaking to my mother is this still plaguing my life? When does it stop? When do I get to stop feeling this? When do days like this just not come back? When do I just get to be normal? I don't have the illness and yet it has impact my life so deeply. I don't even hate her any more. It's so frustrating... .

[jkleinpeter]

Hi,

I haven't posted here for a long time. It's so strange, this whole healing process. I'm 31 years old and I have been dealing with my BPD mother for my whole life and I haven't spoken to her in years. I have long periods of time when everything is fine. It doesn't hurt, I don't miss her (or the idea of a mom), I don't think about her, and during those times I am completely normal. Then out of the blue at 2:00 am something brings it all back to the surface. All the memories, all the pain and above all the realization that I am never going to have that mom that I always wanted, the kind my friends have, the kind my boyfriend has. I'm alone.

My parents have been divorced for 13 years now. My dad has moved on, met another woman (who is great, she makes him happy). She has two daughters and he moved to Phoenix to live with her. My dad used to be the one person I could talk to about everything, now I'm lucky if he calls me once a month and that's if I don't cave and call him first. He has a new family, One that's not totally screwed up.

My brother's and I haven't spoken in years. I've tried to reach out but my mom has us all surviving in different ways. One brother denies everything, sometimes I think he did it right. He just forgot everything, buried it deep and it stays buried. He never had to be something he wasn't, never hid the hurt, just forgot it. My other brother just continues to make a mess of things. He looks for love in all the wrong places and latches on to the first girl that will tell him she loves him. Such a moron. Now he is a single dad, raising a two year old. He has no job, no money and mooches off who ever will give him a roof over their heads and money for the week. He is the youngest and everyone seems pretty focused on giving him everything he asks for even if it means my grandmother is living paycheck to paycheck and my dad is borrowing from his 401k. He's the one they all feel sorry for. He was the mommy's boy and he needs more attention because he didn't get it growing up. No one holds him accountable for anything, they never have.

Maybe in some families everything goes away once the communication with the BPD person ends but it didn't in mine. I don't get it. I did everything by the book. I went to college, got a shrink to deal with this stuff, graduated from college, paid for college, got a career, never caused any trouble, outside looking in I have the perfect life now, job, boyfriend, dog, etc. and yet I appear to be the one that's lonely with no support from anyone. How the hell did that happen? How is it that 15 years after no longer speaking to my mother is this still plaguing my life? When does it stop? When do I get to stop feeling this? When do days like this just not come back? When do I just get to be normal? I don't have the illness and yet it has impact my life so deeply. I don't even hate her any more. It's so frustrating... .

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Jkleinpeter,

I understand what you're saying and feel for you. There's a few of my own memories that I can feel the fires start to brew. Most days I do pretty well and then out of nowhere. I sometimes accuse myself of self torture. It is really hard, especially when you really don't get any affirmation or apology.

I just got done reading this article this morning, it made me think of you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

[dnagrl]

Reading your post made me almost cry. I have been going through the same things, just for 20 more years. You never really completely get over the lack of having a 'normal' mother. And I have found you can't change a borderline. My father has BPD and I know I can never change him. He drove away my mother, who was a narcissist, but to her credit he drove her over the edge and they got divorced. She fell for a guy (met on the internet) and her lost all her divorce settlement (>1MM $). I had no contact with her and grieved for 7 years that she chose that life over my brother and me. She died in the no contact phase, 2 years ago. My brother died before her.

You never truly get over not having a normal parent, I think for a daughter, the mother is the one you really yearn for to be normal and loving. All I can say to you is to cherish that your dad is out there and functioning- maybe a least you can see him a few times a year, get a nice Christmas or birthday card (which is totally out of the realm for me, the little things like that, but they are important!). Or maybe your one brother is fixable, with the right help. It will be important for you later to have a functional brother when your parents get older- maybe he can help your mom and you could help with your dad? Also, I am sure when you marry to see your partner's parents as an asset- you really can judge your future partner by their parents. They will welcome you and love you if they are good ones.

[jkleinpeter]

Thanks Finallyblooming and dnagirl... . I feel like sometimes you just need to vent to people that can relate to you. I am feeling alot better tonight, not sure what happened last night. I couldn't sleep, watched a stupid movie about a mother and daughter, combine that with hormones and it was the perfect storm! I wish I could never have nights like that but I guess it's just a part of me. Finallyblooming that was a really good article. Thanks for recommending it. I am so glad to have a website where others who have been there and done that will listen and give advice. Sometimes I feel like the crazy one so it helps to know I'm not!

THANK YOU!

JK

[Finallyblooming]

I'm glad you're feeling better! That's really nice to hear. I know that's just a miserable place to be.

I loved that article because it explained things on a nerd level. I got the file analogy perfectly LOL

You're most welcome.

[Finallyblooming]

dnagrl

I couldn't agree with you more. I think you really hit the nail on the head. As daughters, we idolize that relationship and want it so desperately. So when we know things are seriously messed up and we don't feel that we have the love that is "normal" it cuts pretty deep. I think we're such emotional beings, we base our who view on ourselves by the way our mom's look at us. I have really been relearning that it's not me my DM is disappointed in and hates, it's really her mirroring her own feelings for herself.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi JK,

Welcome back, and I'm sorry that you're feeling like this.   I know how much it hurts to have a mother that isn't supportive or nurturing, and sometimes that pain can sneak up out of nowhere.

While it's true that there's some lingering sadness, dnagirl has some great points. You do have a relationship with your dad, and even though it's not as close as you'd like it to be, maybe that's a relationship you can nurture and strengthen. You may also be close to your in-laws someday, which may help you heal. Down the road, if you decide to have children, you'll have another chance at a healthy parent-child relationship.

As daughters, we idolize that relationship and want it so desperately. So when we know things are seriously messed up and we don't feel that we have the love that is "normal" it cuts pretty deep. I think we're such emotional beings, we base our who view on ourselves by the way our mom's look at us. I have really been relearning that it's not me my DM is disappointed in and hates, it's really her mirroring her own feelings for herself.

This is spot-on, Finallyblooming. As children we need that approval, and we were conditioned to do anything to get it. It's only when we're adults and can see things in a more mature (and, ironically, healthy) way that we truly see the dysfunction.

[KateJuly2013]

Hello JK,

I'm glad that you are feeling better after posting and reading the replies.  I hear you that it is a big loss that you didn't have a mother that mothered you in a healthy way.  I didn't either.  I know you were feeling down when you posted, but you talked about how alone you are.  It sounds like you are alone in your family of origin, but you are not in the family you've chosen for yourself.  Sometimes it helps to remember that the stuff we've created is pretty darn good !

I also wonder if you couldn't talk to your dad more?  You write that you "break down and call him" sooner than your pattern of monthly phone calls.  I am just wondering if you haven't gotten into a pattern with him that seems unbreakable, but could change if you wanted it to.  Please disregard this if you've set up the monthly call and it works for you all.

All the best to you!