I have problems with binge eating. I do think it's at least partly physical, but I'm finally beginning to look into the emotional side of it.
Here's the thing. I was the less abused child. I was not golden, but I wasn't as blackened as my sister. I got some physical abuse but it was mild. I am not condoning any physical abuse of children of course, and it was scary and wrong, but it was mild compared to what my sister got, which was a lot worse than what was done to me.
I grew up with many emotional issues, many of which I have overcome, but I still binge.
My mother is one of 3 girls. The middle one (Aunt S) was the least abused of them. Like me, her abuse was mainly emotional - she lived in fear, she didn't feel loved, etc, but she wasn't physically hurt much unlike her other two sisters (like my mother) who were beaten.
Aunt S also has problems with binge eating.
My mother, who was abused a lot and my sister, abused more than I was, both have deep emotional issues, rage issues, hatred, general BPD things. But neither of them binge like I do (That I know of. There is always the possibility that they do it without me knowing and I could be totally wrong here, but if they do it, they haven't talked about it and both of them are relatively slim too, unlike Aunt S and myself).
So today, after eating two large chocolate bars and a half bag of doritos in a short order of time and getting sick from it :'( I started thinking about Aunt S and the similarities of our childhoods and how we both have issues with food.
I am wondering if the damage to my sister and mother was so severe that they were able to turn it outward and make the world the enemy, pretending (to themselves and everyone else) that they have no problems and it's everyone else's fault whenever there's an issue.
And I wonder if Aunt S and I, growing up in an unloving and abusive environment, but not being personally abused as much as others, were messed up enough that we have emotional issues but were not messed up enough to turn it all outward, so for us we turn it inward.
Does that make sense to anyone? It just seems an awful coincidence to me that Aunt S and I were both the "less abused" children of our family and we both have disordered eating, but the more abused children of both families don't seem to have that issue.
I'm trying to get a handle on understanding this so I might someday beat this issue. And I've finally realized it might actually be (at least in part) psychological seeing as how I was doing so well this month until I realized I wasn't invited to my nephew's birthday party (I wrote about that elsewhere). And here I am, eating til I'm sick again.
And before anyone asks, yeah, I'm considering therapy again
I didn't get a lot out of it last time and had to stop for money issues anyway, but we have some wiggle room in the budget now, so I'm gearing up for finding someone new.
Anyway, any insights into this are appreciated. And please share if this is an issue you have dealt with.
