My core trauma

[Depression = 72% of members]

Ok ... Here's Perfidy. Three years old its my brothers birthday. He gets a pedal tractor for his birthday. My brother is turning five. My dad is putting the thing together. He's having a beer or two while he does. He's not drunk but he has been drinking. Perfidy has not yet mastered the English language. Dad finishes the assembly. My brother jumps on his brand new gift and starts peddling it around. Perfidy is excited. He's happy for his brother and he's proud of his dad. Perfidy has heard the term Smart Alec from somewhere. Probably from his dad. Thinking he was giving his dad a compliment for putting the tractor together and bringing happiness to Perfidy and his older brother Perfidy says "Hey dad! You're a Smart Alec!" Dad knows that Smart Alec is a derogatory term. Perfidy does not. Dad gets mad and starts to assault three year old Perfidy. He tried to kick me. He was pissed. My mother was there. She divorced my dad over this. They did end up back with each other. It was never that good. My dad always drank and sometimes he beat the hell out of mom. Things were different then. When mom went to the police the put her in jail for protective custody. Perfidy was afraid of his dad now.

It was like this. Perfidy got into an argument with his older sister when he was about twelve. He hit her. When Perfidy came home from school the next day dad laid him out on the front steps to the house. I started to walk in the door. I had not even opened it all the way and my dad punched me in the face so hard it almost knocked me out. I was laying on the stepe bleeding. I ran away from home. I jumped on my ten speed and I had no idea where to go but I knew I didn't want to go home. I slept in the ditch beside the highway covering my self with blankets that I stole out of a semi. Two days later I went home. I had no where else to go. Not long after that my dad beat my mother up. My brother and I fought him. I remember my little fists punching him in the stomach while my brother tried to pin him against the wall. Fifteen now. Just had a major fight withy dad. I can fight like a man now because I've been fighting one all my life. I can kick his a$$ now. I have been learning judo. I threw him right through a wall in our house using his own momentum against him. I hate this. Sixteen. I'm done. I pulled a gun in him and stuck it in his face when he got violent with me. I pulled the trigger but missed. On purpose. I didn't really want to kill him. I just wanted him to know that I would if I had to. I was arrested. I talked to the judge. I told him my story. He gave me my gun back and told me to use it if I had to. My father passed away that November from a massive coronary. He was 61. I worshipped him. I loved him. I wanted to be just like him. He wAs my dad. I swore if I ever had kids I would love them. Well... I have the best family a man could ever want and I live my kids and they love me. I told my T this story. He could hArdly believe it. Shock on his face when I told him about sticking the gun in my dads face. He wanted to put me on pills. I fired him.

[Perfidy]

Ok ... Here's Perfidy. Three years old its my brothers birthday. He gets a pedal tractor for his birthday. My brother is turning five. My dad is putting the thing together. He's having a beer or two while he does. He's not drunk but he has been drinking. Perfidy has not yet mastered the English language. Dad finishes the assembly. My brother jumps on his brand new gift and starts peddling it around. Perfidy is excited. He's happy for his brother and he's proud of his dad. Perfidy has heard the term Smart Alec from somewhere. Probably from his dad. Thinking he was giving his dad a compliment for putting the tractor together and bringing happiness to Perfidy and his older brother Perfidy says "Hey dad! You're a Smart Alec!" Dad knows that Smart Alec is a derogatory term. Perfidy does not. Dad gets mad and starts to assault three year old Perfidy. He tried to kick me. He was pissed. My mother was there. She divorced my dad over this. They did end up back with each other. It was never that good. My dad always drank and sometimes he beat the hell out of mom. Things were different then. When mom went to the police the put her in jail for protective custody. Perfidy was afraid of his dad now.

It was like this. Perfidy got into an argument with his older sister when he was about twelve. He hit her. When Perfidy came home from school the next day dad laid him out on the front steps to the house. I started to walk in the door. I had not even opened it all the way and my dad punched me in the face so hard it almost knocked me out. I was laying on the stepe bleeding. I ran away from home. I jumped on my ten speed and I had no idea where to go but I knew I didn't want to go home. I slept in the ditch beside the highway covering my self with blankets that I stole out of a semi. Two days later I went home. I had no where else to go. Not long after that my dad beat my mother up. My brother and I fought him. I remember my little fists punching him in the stomach while my brother tried to pin him against the wall. Fifteen now. Just had a major fight withy dad. I can fight like a man now because I've been fighting one all my life. I can kick his a$$ now. I have been learning judo. I threw him right through a wall in our house using his own momentum against him. I hate this. Sixteen. I'm done. I pulled a gun in him and stuck it in his face when he got violent with me. I pulled the trigger but missed. On purpose. I didn't really want to kill him. I just wanted him to know that I would if I had to. I was arrested. I talked to the judge. I told him my story. He gave me my gun back and told me to use it if I had to. My father passed away that November from a massive coronary. He was 61. I worshipped him. I loved him. I wanted to be just like him. He wAs my dad. I swore if I ever had kids I would love them. Well... I have the best family a man could ever want and I live my kids and they love me. I told my T this story. He could hArdly believe it. Shock on his face when I told him about sticking the gun in my dads face. He wanted to put me on pills. I fired him.

[Lady31]

Perfidy - WOW.  I'm sorry that was the relationship your dad gave you.  Heartbreaking, made me cry.  I had issues pretty bad with my father.  While a hardworking rock - he was a heavy drinker when I was younger and very verbally abusive and mean to my mom, and also to me and the other kids at one point. He was a perfectionist and hard to please - crazy pressure trying to measure up.

He stopped drinking one day and something changed - I don't know what, but it was more than just the quitting drinking.  Now he is the best father in the world and has been for some time.  He always builds us up, is heartbroken when we (the kids) are hurting and does anything he can to help, he sacrifices his time and resources to constantly help us kids with anything that comes up (there are 6 of us!), he's stable like a rock and my hero!  I'm so thankful to have my parents - it makes me sad to hear stories like yours.

I'm so sorry. 

[Perfidy]

It's mine for sure. I am the only one that can deal with this. This is why I stay in unhealthy relationships and why I never feel like I am loved even if I am. It's almost worth killing myself over. I feel so isolated and alone. Like no one can reach me. It really really sucks.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Perfidy, you have a lot of courage to post something so deep and personal here.  

We don't get to choose our parents, and as their children we can't help but want their love and approval. With all you went through as a kid, you sound like a very self-made man, somebody who pulled himself up by his bootstraps and made something of himself. Somebody who became the loving and caring person you decided to wanted to be. It is totally understandable that you don't want a prescription because you feel that you overcame past trauma by force of will. As you probably realize, the way your mother was treated probably made you want to be your BPDex's savior.

None of these things mean you have to settle for unhealthy relationships. You are very deserving of love and a healthy relationship! Confronting your past and understanding how it lead you to this point in your life is the first step. Don't look back now except only to see how far you've come since. You gotta move forward.

I hope your pain can be less today. Maybe you can find a different therapist with a different approach. Good luck to you. And of course keep loving your kids!    

[Perfidy]

Learning curve thank you. I can't keep hurting any more. I never feel good any more. I was on a roll for many years I was actuall a pretty happy guy. I was Able to be mostly happy in spite of the sick girlfriend. I would settle for almost any relief right now. Thanks again for reading my post and commenting.

[Perfidy]

Learning curve thank you. I can't keep hurting any more. I never feel good any more. I was on a roll for many years I was actuall a pretty happy guy. I was Able to be mostly happy in spite of the sick girlfriend. I would settle for almost any relief right now. Thanks again for reading my post and commenting.

[Rose Tiger]

Your dad didn't know how to love you, that isn't your fault, you were a lovable little kiddo, you are love worthy.  I'm so sorry you had to deal with that when you were so little!  Praying for your peace, comfort and healing.   

[Hazelrah]

Perfidy,

I think this is a vitally important topic that all people suffering on this board should be evaluating inside of themselves—folks like Clearmind, et al, point to it in nearly every one of their posts.  Your story is simply heartbreaking and I hope you take what the earlier posters wrote to heart.  I’m of the mind a good T (maybe just a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist, to skip the drugs) is still a sound road to healing. 

My father was a drunk, drug-addled hippy that abandoned my mother and me when I was about a year old.  My mother re-married within two years, to a man with deep-seated scars from an impossible childhood that I’m not sure how he survived.  He was likewise a recreational drug-user, and likely an alcoholic as well.  He was also only 18 years old, six years my mother’s junior.  He was a stand-up person sober, but raged when drinking, and his fights with my mother were legendary.  I’m guessing these were the days during which my savior complex was seeded.

I seem to remember having escaped his ire until around 7-8 years old, when I also began to bear the brunt of his anger.  I was hit on a rare occasion, and once dropped to the floor after he’d thrown me up and held me over his head in a burst of rage…but overall, it was nothing like what real abuse victims must endure.  During my later pre-teen years, he repeatedly told me he was going to divorce my mother because of me since all of their arguments always revolved around me in some way or another.  I had no idea why—I was a happy, well-mannered, well-behaved child that had gone to a gifted grade school and regularly scored excellent grades.  None of it made sense to me, but it inadvertently taught me to be ashamed of myself for things I either didn’t understand or flat out didn’t deserve to bear the responsibility for.

Fast forward to adulthood and I am a codependent, abandonment-fearing man who always thinks everything is his fault and feels entirely unlovable.  Likely a perfect match for a beautiful BPD woman that served to fill the hole in my soul better than anyone I’d ever met…then emptied it and dug the hole even deeper than it had been in the first place.

The irony of the entire story is that my step-father, who managed to overcome his demons, has been one of my biggest supporters as I work to navigate this life-changing crisis.  Funny how the circle comes together sometimes.

[Perfidy]

I know this is a big part of my healing. I do feel the wound has become even greater with the failure in my last relationship. It feels so wholey destructive to me I see no future and my past was a complete failure except for my children. I have very little hope and almost no happiness. It really really sucks. I am struggling but at least I'm doing that. Everyone tells me to think positive and count my blessings. I try. I fall right back into the crap. I had indirect and uninvited contact about my ex last week. It put me way further back to where I was suicidal again. I friggin hate this.

[Surnia]

O perfidy,

what a story! This is so horrible, mad my cry. 

I agree, that your last relationship made things worse for you right now. I wish you could find another T who is dealing differently with this than the one before. What do you think about it?

Yes, like others before, you are very courageous to write this down, to face it.

[Perfidy]

Surnia this is my truth. Courage really has nothing to do with it. I have to face it with or without courage. I have found fear that I haven't ever seen before. I really thought that I had faced all of my fear. I was wrong.

[Clearmind]

Perfidy, hugs to you. This is a huge step for you in acknowledging the environment you have come from. This is the beginning of you letting go of all that anger and resentment and trying to right the wrongs by rescuing a Borderline.

My father was also an alcoholic and likely BPD. You have no idea how much your story resonated with me. My therapist asked me about my father around Session 3 – I said “Oh, he drinks a little”. At the age of 37 I was still protecting my abuser. He was a drunk no doubt about it. I was hit – often. I was denied free speech, healthy boundaries and private space. My brother was 4 years older and was the brunt of much of my fathers anger. I felt guilty for a long time that I was spared somewhat.

I was put down on a daily basis for my looks, academic ability and it took me til I was 37 to realize a) I am not ugly or flawed b) I actually excelled at school.

My parents separated when I was 11 and my brother was 14. They got back together a year later and my brother stayed with my grandmother.

To this day it really does make me sad to think of what my brother and I endured. I have however forgiven my father for all his wrongs. I honestly believe he did the best he could with what he himself was dealt. Violence was the norm and alcohol for him was an escape.

I chose Borderlines and/or abusive men because they were like my father – I thought if I could “successfully” rescue damage goods (my ex’s) then I somehow righted all the wrongs that were done to me.  I became an over achiever to prove to myself I was not stupid. I busted my butt to prove it. Choosing Borderlines was part of that proving to myself.

However, because I could not fix my ex, I fell apart – hit rock bottom and got to that point you are at now – for me – it was complete despair.

Now! I have never felt better. I have relinquished much of my childhood conditioning and angst, I have forgiven my father, and my mother for enabling an abuser and I now that I am pregnant, I am well aware of what my child needs to feel emotionally validated and live a shame free life.

Perfidy, I tell you this story because you are not alone. Adult children of alcoholics do have a lot of emotional healing to do. I strongly encourage you to seek help to get through the pain and hurt you carry – I was not emotionally equipped to travel that journey alone.

A good book I have read- "children of alcoholic parents" - Bowden.

All the best to you.

[Perfidy]

Hazelrah... I'm sorry you had to experience a similar less than perfect childhood too. It's a miracle that you are being supported by your abuser now. My trust in sincerity from behavioral health professionals is almost nonexistent. I know myself very well and I certainly did not carry my fathers behavior on to my family. I swore that if I ever had a family I would make them sacred. My marriage failed. My family didn't. All of my five kids are amazing. Tops in their fields. Great families. No drug problems. No drunks. All buying homes. All healthy in relationships. A huge source of achievement for me to be their father and friend. I have them the love that I didn't get. When I divorced their mom it was because we had grown differently. We were teens when we got together. Had kids early. I loved it because I knew that I would know my children as adults. I never knew my father as an adult. He died when I was barely 16. I took custody of the kids in the divorce. I gave her a good divorce. I asked for no child support and was very liberal with the visitation. I let the kids make most of the decisions. Sometimes they would stay with mom for months. I was not bitter. It's always been about the love for me. I gave up though. After my divorce I simply gave up on finding a person that loved me just for me. Seriously... I settled for a drug addicted mental patient. She was very sick. I tried.

[Perfidy]

Clearmind... . Thank you for the hug. Feeling good has been a tremendous task for me. Sometimes I really question my own sanity and wonder exactly what I am and am not responsible for. I wonder sometimes if I am not more screwed up than even I am aware of. I hate telling people this story because of the expressions of shock that I see on their faces. Makes me think that I am exaggerating but if anything I am leaving things out. I know all of this and more happened. Pretty bad when your story makes the jaw of your T drop and he throws a bottle of Prozac at you. I really don't expect anyone to understand what I endured as a child. I have been honest with my partners that I have become intimate with. I don't go into a lot of detail but I tell them that I had a crappy thing or two happen to me when I was younger. 

Congratulations on the new addition! I sure enjoyed being dad. Take a lot of pride in my kids. Worth it.

[Clearmind]

For a while I questioned what was considered normal. I question it less now - I trust my thinking more and self judge less. Positive self talk is paramount.

Posting on Personal Inventory is great for processing what is normal. I can guarantee other members know exactly what you are referring to. Good to explore how you can begin to heal - which also means relinquishing some of the anger towards our ex's - to actively and productively work on us we need to talk less (consciously) about our ex's.

You will get there and are well on the way. Admitting and crawling out of denial is 99% of the battle. When you are ready.

[Rose Tiger]

So true what Clearmind is saying.  So many are still in that denial and of course, shocked.  I can relate to having a dad with anger issues, too.  Getting screamed at as a toddler is rough stuff.  I was living with my dad and his new wife when I was 16 in my sophomore year.  My half sister was 1.5 years.  She was toddling across the floor and walked on shutters that dad was about to install in a window.  All hell broke loose as he screamed a bloody streak of vile at this BABY.  I grabbed her and took her away telling her it's ok, it's ok sweetie.  Remembering when I got the same thing when I was little.  Why couldn't he have said, no no baby, we don't walk on those and put them against the wall?  Why couldn't your dad have laughed at the smart alec comment, because really, that was cute as all get out.  Then said I'm going to get you, you little snickerdoodle, while he tickled you?  I don't know how anyone could abuse babies, I just don't get it.  And what it does to us, wounds us at the very core of not just doing something wrong, but feeling we are wrong and defective in some way.

It makes total sense the way you are feeling, I remember feeling exactly the same way.  This is facing the stuff that sends people to addictions to avoid.  You are older now, stronger and not the small powerless child, although it can feel like it.  Healing your heart is a hard journey but it doesn't last forever.  You'll feel so much stronger and healthier on the other side, it is worth it.  Hang in there!

[Perfidy]

Rose tiger, clear mind. Thanks for discussing this post with me. I have a great need right now. I need to heal and the suffering is no joke. I know how important it is for me to understand my behavior and be aware of what I need to change in myself. Now I know this is not real counterproductive. She has her own issues. She behaved in a very belittling and messed up way. The abuse that I endured from her was in every way the same abuse that I endured from my father. Physical abuse. Verbal abuse.substance abuse. That abuse caused me to become angry and unhappy. That abuse is her problem not mine.

[Perfidy]

Now that my mind is more focused on me a thought entered my mind. The behavior called codependency. When I was raising my children they went through their teen years and had the learning independence stage. For a while they didn't want to be my friend. I watched all of them do it. I raised five kids. They became disrespectful and we had our disagreements. We got through it. It seemed that I was dealing with abusive behavior from them too. Not extreme but they did go through a phase.

[Clearmind]

Perfidy when kids go through the individuation stage they rebel in order to find their own feet - I did it and my guess is many of us did. Its a normal part of being a teenager. We need to let go of the reins a little to let them explore and make mistakes. They come back.

Lets make this thread about you Perfidy - how can you begin to process this new found knowledge and what can you start on?

[Perfidy]

Clearmind I'm not even sure where to start. I feel overwhelmed by everything that has happened to me and all of the negative emotions. My head needs to clear a little more so I can think better. I feel like I might still be in shock or denial about everything. I don't know how much of my story you know but I have really been through a lot in a short period of time. It's been a little over five months since my place burned. That was the same day the ex decided to tell me that she was practically married to someone else while I was out of town working. Several deaths of close family members. It really has been a nightmare. Everything still seems surreal most of the time. I still cry a lot. It is starting to get better. She was the closest person to me in my life and she is the one I turned to in my time of hardship. Everything alone now. It seems like I lost a whole bunch on just one day. I still have my life. I still have my family. I'm finding out who my real friends are. I've made some new friends.

[Clearmind]

You have mad a great start by posting on Personal Inventory! So good for you. Its really important to write about your feelings even though it feels risky and vulnerable.

Crying is good! Don’t feel ashamed – life deals some heavy blows sometimes.

As I said in your other thread – begin to build your strengths and your self worth.

Go gently – I promise it will all fall into place. Keep posting.